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Author Topic: What ever happened to Casual Dating?  (Read 2464 times) Average Rating: 0
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Matthew777
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« on: August 12, 2006, 02:41:24 AM »

Many people speak of casual dating as if it's a bad thing, often mistaking the term for casual sex. But these also seem to be the same people who jump into a relationship before they really know the person.

If you have not made any commitments to a person, how can casual dating be the same as cheating?  Shouldn't you be able to see different people, and then make an informed commitment on whom to choose?

"Remember when dating used to be fun? Yeah, me neither. Dating for our generation has lost its appeal because it is difficult for dates these days to be casual. A short-lived commitment, a casual date was a time-honored tradition of courtship which provided social codes for guy-girl interactions. Without such codes, definitions of boy-girl liaisons today are ill-defined and dating as a result has become perplexing and misunderstood. Casual dating is tremendously valuable for a healthy dating climate and by understanding its benefits, perhaps our generation can reconstitute it appropriately for today's mores...

A casual date is an evening, a meal, or a get-together of some kind in which there is no expectation of further commitment on either side. Although one side may desire a further relationship, it is understood that both parties are free to sample the company of each other and are as equally free to terminate any sense of relationship as well. With casual dating boundaries and expectations are defined and understood by both parties. Kissing on the first date is perhaps the only boundary open to interpretation.

Today not enough guys understand casual dating because they do not allow dates to remain casual. Guys do not permit casual dating because they presumptuously assume they have landed a girlfriend if a girl agrees once to a date. Predictably, girls become reluctant to accept dates because they do not think they will be able to remove themselves from a guy's fancy if things do not work out. Understandably, this drastically curtails dating because girls may find it easier to politely decline rather than put themselves in a potentially sticky situation...

Relationships today are too polarized between one-night stands and attached-at-the-hip couples. I yearn for a middle ground where casual dating is the norm and guys and girls can interact intimately without an assumption of commitment. Although I admit casual dating is not as needed today as decades ago, we should admit that today's dating scene is frustrating and at times depressing. Dating for us will certainly not be as extensive as our parents' generation but it doesn't mean we can't improve the current climate."
http://www.dailyprincetonian.com/archives/2002/10/15/opinion/5723.shtml

If I am wrong, please rebuke me.

One love.

Peace.
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« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2006, 08:03:07 AM »

Oi vey. Tread lightly, boys.
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« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2006, 08:16:34 AM »

Oi vey. Tread lightly, boys.
Awwww!...
But!...but!...That's like putting a rump steak in front of a Doberman and telling him to "STAY!"...... 
Oh, OK. Since you asked so nicely:  Lips Sealed
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« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2006, 08:23:43 AM »

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I yearn for a middle ground where casual dating is the norm and guys and girls can interact intimately without an assumption of commitment.

Lol, I love it. Sort of a swinger-in-training. Grin Come on Matthew, even a pagan like me knows that if you "interact intimately" with someone that their should by some type of commitment.
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« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2006, 09:02:24 AM »

Some people apply this philosophy to religion.

No commitments anyplace in specific. Just try em on for size until you get one that tickles your fancy.
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« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2006, 12:51:20 PM »

Lol, I love it. Sort of a swinger-in-training. Grin Come on Matthew, even a pagan like me knows that if you "interact intimately" with someone that their should by some type of commitment.

I don't see why Billie-Joe can't have dinner with Peggie-Sue on Friday and then see a movie with Sara-Anne on Saturday. Isn't this how adults date anyway, before they've decided who the right one is? He's only a player if he's having sex with them or making them think that they are in a relationship.

Peace.
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« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2006, 12:58:28 PM »

Is seeing a movie or having dinner really "interacting intimately?"  I'm not saying that "intimate" should only be used for physical contact-type activity, but the "intimacy" of the two aforementioned activities depends on how much is invested by the two parties involved.  That's the key word, "intimately," that is separating your and Asteriktos' positions.
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« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2006, 01:03:12 PM »

Is seeing a movie or having dinner really "interacting intimately?"ÂÂ

I would say that if you are dating, you share things about yourself that you would otherwise not tell other people. This creates an emotional connection or understanding.
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« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2006, 01:07:37 PM »

How about a very complicated approach?

You tell her on the first "date" that you have no interest in commiting to anyone right now.

I know, it is convoluted, but if you speak really really slowly she might just catch on.

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« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2006, 01:40:21 PM »

You tell her on the first "date" that you have no interest in commiting to anyone right now.

If we've only been on one date, it should not be expected that we are in a committed relationship. How can you make a long-term commitment with someone you barely even know?
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« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2006, 01:59:10 PM »

If we've only been on one date, it should not be expected that we are in a committed relationship. How can you make a long-term commitment with someone you barely even know?

Re read my post and then read your reply.
Who said anything about there being any commitment?
I said tell her right from the minute one that you can not commit to anything and then she will understand what your goals/lack of are.
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« Reply #11 on: August 12, 2006, 02:03:08 PM »

If you are implying that most women expect a first date to become a long-term commitment, this is a sad world in which we live.
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« Reply #12 on: August 12, 2006, 02:10:10 PM »

You didn't get what I said (which was a serious question and statement), and you're not getting the thick, dripping sarcasm that the other posters are pouring out.
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« Reply #13 on: August 12, 2006, 02:14:21 PM »

If you are implying that most women expect a first date to become a long-term commitment, this is a sad world in which we live.

Where do you see that in what I said?

I'll do an ozgorge and <sigh> here.

No, Matthew but some women (I have no idea how old you are so bear with me) have what you might call Biological clocks ticking loudly in their ears and don't want to waste time with a guy that is grocery shopping.
They don't want to wait it out and see.
They want to go on to the next one fast. One that is looking for stability with one good person. All I am saying is no one is going to have any expectations if you make it clear right from the start.


Then there are ones like you. And so on, but the point is BE HONEST and you can avoid all problems like your assumption that anyone would want to date you twice.

KIDDING!!!!

Hope you have good luck out there! And get the woman of your dreams when you are ready for it.

Prayers
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« Reply #14 on: August 12, 2006, 02:30:01 PM »

Hope you have good luck out there! And get the woman of your dreams when you are ready for it.

I'm only 20, hopefully that will be a long time from now. Thank you for the advice.

Peace.
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« Reply #15 on: August 12, 2006, 03:03:08 PM »

I'm only 20, hopefully that will be a long time from now.

But before you join that ROCOR monastery, right?  Wink
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« Reply #16 on: August 12, 2006, 03:26:11 PM »

But before you join that ROCOR monastery, right?ÂÂ  Wink

That's only if I don't get married, my friend.
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« Reply #17 on: August 14, 2006, 12:10:18 PM »

what is the point of "dating" anyway?  It's a relatively new invention as of the 20th century.  Which of the church fathers or biblical personalities do you picture sampling women for the fun of it?  I don't mean sexually necessarily.
NO woman wants to be anyone's "flavor of the weekend", and a different one every single weekend.  That's a huge investment of her time and energy, with no option of a return on the investment!  She can hang out with anyone for a "Fun time", her girlfriends, or even a mixed group of people.  Why should any woman spend time with one guy, who has made it clear he has no long term interest in her (showing how much he values her?)  She is just going out with you to keep you from being bored some evening?  What is the point of casual dating??  Just to spend time not being alone at home, or with the guys?  Or to get sexual favors?  Ask yourself what the point is, what the value is-and line it up with your faith.
Every woman out there will probably be someone's wife someday, someone's mother.  She might be a wife to two guys eventually.  Nevertheless, she is probably someone else's wife *at least in the future tense* and you are hanging out with her.  Why?  I am fairly sure God didn't create the female form to just be everyone's flavor of the month until she happens upon the one decent man He meant for her.  If you are meant to be married, God will bring His intended along your path in his time.  IN the meantime, stop sampling the ladies if you have no intent on being worthy of their time.  Focus on something more eternal and valuable than dating.
I sure hope for a resurrection of some sort of code of gentleman's conduct before my daughters get to this point!  Though I am glad I am an expert markswoman... Grin
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« Reply #18 on: August 14, 2006, 12:31:36 PM »

what is the point of "dating" anyway?ÂÂ  It's a relatively new invention as of the 20th century.ÂÂ  Which of the church fathers or biblical personalities do you picture sampling women for the fun of it?ÂÂ  I don't mean sexually necessarily.
NO woman wants to be anyone's "flavor of the weekend", and a different one every single weekend.ÂÂ  That's a huge investment of her time and energy, with no option of a return on the investment!ÂÂ  She can hang out with anyone for a "Fun time", her girlfriends, or even a mixed group of people.ÂÂ  Why should any woman spend time with one guy, who has made it clear he has no long term interest in her (showing how much he values her?)ÂÂ  She is just going out with you to keep you from being bored some evening?ÂÂ  What is the point of casual dating??ÂÂ  Just to spend time not being alone at home, or with the guys?ÂÂ  Or to get sexual favors?ÂÂ  Ask yourself what the point is, what the value is-and line it up with your faith.
Every woman out there will probably be someone's wife someday, someone's mother.ÂÂ  She might be a wife to two guys eventually.ÂÂ  Nevertheless, she is probably someone else's wife *at least in the future tense* and you are hanging out with her.ÂÂ  Why?ÂÂ  I am fairly sure God didn't create the female form to just be everyone's flavor of the month until she happens upon the one decent man He meant for her.ÂÂ  If you are meant to be married, God will bring His intended along your path in his time.ÂÂ  IN the meantime, stop sampling the ladies if you have no intent on being worthy of their time.ÂÂ  Focus on something more eternal and valuable than dating.
I sure hope for a resurrection of some sort of code of gentleman's conduct before my daughters get to this point!ÂÂ  Though I am glad I am an expert markswoman... Grin
Rebecca

I shoot skeet with amazing accuracy. Had to give it up because hubbie does not like guns.
But, give me one and I'll join you with a good sit down with any prospective suitor for your girls and we can polish 'em up in full view as we ask the pertinant questions that he will face.
Such as:
What are your plans? I want full disclosure and a full accounting of how you will be spending each minute with my daughter. Thank you for your cooperation.
I want to see your DL and insurance card please.
Excuse me for a minute while I make a copy of your DL and insurance. Thank you for understanding.
Is your gas tank FULL?
How are the tires?
Brakes?
Have you ever had a speeding ticket or any other infraction with the law?
(this is where having a cop for a BIL helps me out. He can run the info for me!)
Are you aware that violence is condoned in our faith?
(this is only a teaser to see how much he really does know- and it is a win win anyway)
I could go on, but you get the point.
If he is brave enough to want to go through this again, he's OK in my book.
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« Reply #19 on: August 14, 2006, 01:33:49 PM »

Quote
what is the point of "dating" anyway? ...Which of the church fathers or biblical personalities do you picture sampling women for the fun of it?

I used to be of a similar opinion as you. Dating seemed like test-driving cars, and you sometimes even had the nerve to leave mud all over the floor and oil on the steering wheel. However, considering that most parents aren't going to engage in arranging marriages these days, the options are limited. The practice of courting is really not all that different than dating, the main difference (from an outside perspective) is how open our culture is to people "exploring" each other during that dating/courting process. But it's not just since dating started that people have been playing footsies (to send signals about sexual intentions), french kissing, necking, and having sex. Many of the old penitentials (both Catholic and Orthodox) instruct priests to ask about this kind of stuff in confession.

Now, from an inside perspective, dating can indeed be very different than similar relationships have been in the past. That has more to do with convenience, automobiles, the amount of free time people have, the amount of independence that people have, etc. For better or worse, dating is really just the logical end of how our society has developed. Dating is not a perversion cooked up by Satan or Sam Sexfiend, but a fairly natural manifestation of the societal changes which have taken place in the last hundred years. Dating is as natural and moral today as courting was 300 years ago, and arranged marriages were 1300 years ago. Yes, people will abuse the system; maybe even most people will abuse the system.

But was it any different with previous patterns of hooking up? If anything, I think it's much better with dating, because at least now each person has much more freedom in making the choice that they want to make. If they choose wrong, it is because they made a mistake, and they can now back out of it (with the stigma of divorce fading). If you consider dating to be so casual as to be immoral, then either don't date, or only go out with someone who you really, really think you might marry. I did that, and I wouldn't knock it. But it isn't the only way, and to be quite honest I think that half the people who do that will regret it later in life. I know I have.

However, this is not to say that I think everyone should flippantly marry the first person to come along, and think of divorce as an easy out. And I don't think things work that way anyway--the stigma of divorce has been removed, but divorce hasn't really exploded in the way that people think it has. According to this page (which just confirms what I had read previously), the divorce rate in 1972 was the same as in 2001: 4.0 divorces for every 1000 people. So people who were raised by baby boomers and grew up in the 70's through 90's were no more likely to divorce than people who were raised by the WW2/Great Depression generation who grew up in the 40's through 60's. Also, with the population explosion, it might seem like there are more divorces, but when you are talking about an increase of 80 million people between 1970 and 1990, even if the divorce rate stays the same there can still be a significant difference in the size of the total number of divorces.
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« Reply #20 on: August 14, 2006, 02:06:37 PM »

Asteriktos, Maybe the perception of divorce's explosion has been aided by a decrease in the marriage rate?  I don't have numbers, which is why I am posing it as a question.  But I think your entire post is quite good and relevent.
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« Reply #21 on: August 14, 2006, 02:31:44 PM »

Why should any woman spend time with one guy, who has made it clear he has no long term interest in her

The point of a first date should be to see whether or not you would have long-term interest in the person. Committing to someone right off the bat is a little rash. There would be no point in casual dating other than looking for someone with whom one could have a real relationship.

Peace.
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« Reply #22 on: August 14, 2006, 03:09:30 PM »

Not that I really want to continue this conversation, but I'm a sucker for an opportunity to change one's mind...

"Why should any woman spend time with one guy, who has made it clear he has no long term interest in her"

I suppose the "casual date" is really just a set-up for courtship.  Two folks that find out they might possibly be attracted to one another (and I mean that on multiple levels, not just the physical) could use the opportunity to just hang out (dinner, movie, etc) without the long-term commitment, in order to see if they're really interested in investing the time/energy/emotion into a committed (i.e. "monogamous") relationship.
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« Reply #23 on: August 14, 2006, 03:26:05 PM »

This is wise and I agree.(cleaveland)

My problem is parents that let their little girls go out with a guy who honks the horn outside in the driveway to pick her up!

What?

My father never let anyone do that. I would not want to go out with an idiot that would do that.

They had to come in and talk to my Dad.

Not pleasant, but they had to.

Thanks Dad!

Matthew- be a gentleman in all you do and you will be fine, and God will do the rest!
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« Reply #24 on: August 14, 2006, 03:29:53 PM »

I love how my next door neighbor relates the first encounters between himself and his daughters' potential boyfriends... quite frequently, her date nights "happened" to coincide with his clean-the-knife-collection days.
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« Reply #25 on: August 14, 2006, 04:21:13 PM »

I love how my next door neighbor relates the first encounters between himself and his daughters' potential boyfriends... quite frequently, her date nights "happened" to coincide with his clean-the-knife-collection days.

 Grin I like that man! 

Good old common sense. Don't need a divinity degree for it!
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« Reply #26 on: August 14, 2006, 04:25:37 PM »

I wish i were half the man he is.
Nothin like a big 'ol italian who pretends to be scottish (kilt and all).
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« Reply #27 on: August 14, 2006, 05:16:48 PM »

I suppose the "casual date" is really just a set-up for courtship.ÂÂ  Two folks that find out they might possibly be attracted to one another (and I mean that on multiple levels, not just the physical) could use the opportunity to just hang out (dinner, movie, etc) without the long-term commitment, in order to see if they're really interested in investing the time/energy/emotion into a committed (i.e. "monogamous") relationship.

Exactly. Furthermore, by not attempting to "get laid" or land a relationship, I am actually able to enjoy dating, rather than worrying over outcomes.

Peace.
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« Reply #28 on: August 14, 2006, 06:31:46 PM »

My father was a lifetime law enforcement officer, so there was NO dating until I was an adult basically-and I always smelled distinctly like gunpowder as a deterrent. Smiley  He had me load bullets, polish brass, and anything else related to make me smell like weaponry, so no guy would ask me out.  Or at least that was the goal.  I had to earn gas money somehow, and he took all my paycheck from work.

Dad did eventually warm up to dh, who was the only one brave enough to come over.  But I still had to double date him and only after dh had come inside to greet my parents (and dads many guns which happened to be out for cleaning)  Dh said later that it had the desired effect. 
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