His Inebriatedness the Bishop of Bourbon, Vicar of the Great Distiller, Successor to the Prince of the Apprentices of the Great Distiller, Supreme Pontiff of All Alcohol, Patriarch of all Grain-Based Alcohols, Primate of Kentucky, Archbishop and Metropolitan of All Whisky, Sovereign of Loretto, and Servant of the Servants of the Great Distiller, Presiding Bishop of the Holy Synod of the Spirits.
To His All-Imbibedness the Metropolitan of Metaxa and His Imbibedness the Bishop of Schlivo,
It greatly saddens Our Inebriatedness to see such bitterness and fighting amongst the Holy Synod of the Spirits and the Alcoholic Community, which should concern itself not with such petty concerns of this world but rather to the higher calling of drinking and drunkenness. Thus in the name of peace and alcoholic communion Our Inebriatedness proposes the following solution.
His All-Imbibedness the Metropolitan of Metaxa has since time immemorial laid claim to the title of 'Patriarch of All Brandy' and has long held claim to primacy, though not supremacy, amongst non-grained-based alcohols and Our Inebriatedness does not wish to deny these ancient claims. However, it cannot be denied that the Bishop of Schlivo has, in these recent days, risen to a glory beyond what his see in times past would have warranted, especially in his recent stewardship of the see of All Vodka. Thus Our Inebriatedness proposes the following Solution, His Inebriatedness the Bishop of Schlivo shall take over all traditional Rights of the Archbishop of Stolichnaya, except for the recent and false claims to the titles of 'Third Distillery and Ecumenical Patriarch' by the deposed Archbishop George, while maintaining his Jurisdiction over Schlivo. Thus His Imbibedness shall be the Bishop of Schlivo, Archbishop of Stolichnaya, and Patriarch of All-Vodka, and with His Imbibedness' increased jurisdiction shall also come the ancient rights of Autonomy including the Right to summon his own Patriarchal Synods to deal with all issues of both Schlivo and Vodkas, independent of the Patriarchal Synod of Brandy, but, of course, as all local synods subject to the rulings of the Holy Synod of the Spirits.
It saddens Our Inebriatedness that the realm of Brandy must be so divided, but we are comforted by the hope that all Alcohol shall remain forever united through the Holy Synod of the Spirits. And Our Inebriatedness prays that this solution will bring peace to the Alcoholic community, allowing us to drink alcohol in communion and to maintain our common drunkenness.
His Inebriatedness the Bishop of Bourbon, Supreme Pontiff of All Alcohol, and Servant of the Servants of the Great Distiller, President of the Holy Synod of the Spirits.