Author Topic: Random Postings  (Read 7758388 times)

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Online Dominika

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28170 on: April 10, 2018, 11:50:31 PM »
Note to self: 6am flights are a bad idea. Like really bad idea.
Maybe not so bad, unless you have to wait a whole night at the airport for the flight.
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Offline Alpo

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28171 on: April 11, 2018, 12:16:08 AM »
Note to self: 6am flights are a bad idea. Like really bad idea.
Maybe not so bad, unless you have to wait a whole night at the airport for the flight.

It is if the traveler is like me i.e. sleeps only a few hours before flight. I'm not afraid of flying or anything but I simply can't get to sleep before midnight when I'm about to fly.
I just need to find out how to say it in Slavonic!

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28172 on: April 11, 2018, 12:31:56 AM »
Note to self: 6am flights are a bad idea. Like really bad idea.
Maybe not so bad, unless you have to wait a whole night at the airport for the flight.

It is if the traveler is like me i.e. sleeps only a few hours before flight. I'm not afraid of flying or anything but I simply can't get to sleep before midnight when I'm about to fly.

I know the feeling. Do you also have a hard time sleeping on planes? I sure do.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline RobS

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28173 on: April 11, 2018, 08:16:00 AM »
I was reading the appendix in Fr. Alexander Schemann's Great Lent and he seemed to suggest the sacrament of Confession should be used only when a faithful member has excommunicated himself/herself or by some "mortal sin". Otherwise we already ask God for forgiveness before we commune and when we do commune "for the remission of sins".

I'm going to ask my priest this week about it, but what do you guys think? I also agree with him that Christian asceticism/living for layman should be done by a class rather than a quick 3 minute counsel by a priest during Confession.
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Offline Iconodule

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28174 on: April 11, 2018, 09:12:59 AM »
Hmm, in his report on confession and communion Fr Alexander seems to think that confession should be done at least once a month for those who are communing regularly. He is of course opposed to the practice of requiring confession each time someone communes.

He might be referring to the fact that the sacrament of confession originated as a means of re-admitting lapsed Christians into the Church, ie it was a remedy for apostasy.
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Offline RobS

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28175 on: April 11, 2018, 10:16:05 AM »
I'm convinced Old Calendarists are idiots
"The business of the Christian is nothing else than to be ever preparing for death (μελεπᾷν ἀποθνήσκειν)."

— Saint Irenaeus of Lyons, Fragment XI

Modernist thinking and being consists of nothing but uncritical acceptance.

Offline Mor Ephrem

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28176 on: April 11, 2018, 01:42:52 PM »
I'm convinced Old Calendarists are idiots

Let’s not go there.

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Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28177 on: April 11, 2018, 04:13:02 PM »
Hmm, in his report on confession and communion Fr Alexander seems to think that confession should be done at least once a month for those who are communing regularly. He is of course opposed to the practice of requiring confession each time someone communes.

He might be referring to the fact that the sacrament of confession originated as a means of re-admitting lapsed Christians into the Church, ie it was a remedy for apostasy.

I think he was also trying to avoid encouraging scrupulosity wasn't he?
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28178 on: April 11, 2018, 04:34:07 PM »
"Whoever lusts after coherence lusts after lies."- Howard Jacobson

A quote I just happened to come across today. I feel like it has a lot of interesting depths to it.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Online Asteriktos

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28179 on: April 13, 2018, 01:46:33 AM »
These Quips Don't Lie: The Abba Hezekiah Story

Coming soon to a bookseller near you!

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28180 on: April 13, 2018, 02:12:10 AM »
These Quips Don't Lie: The Abba Hezekiah Story

Coming soon to a bookseller near you!

You better beardlieve it!
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28181 on: April 13, 2018, 05:03:30 AM »
I think every church needs one of these in the narthex. https://twitter.com/MarzGurl/status/882343566885912577
« Last Edit: April 13, 2018, 05:03:43 AM by Volnutt »
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline RaphaCam

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28182 on: April 13, 2018, 07:27:34 AM »
I think every church needs one of these in the narthex. https://twitter.com/MarzGurl/status/882343566885912577
My great-grandma had a similar low-relief in her living room, but it was far less scary.
"May the Lord our God remember in His kingdom all Holy Catholic Apostolic Church, which heralds the Word of Truth and fearlessly offers and distributes the Holy Oblation despite human deficiencies and persecutions moved by the powers of this world, in all time and unto the ages of ages."

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Offline Ainnir

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28183 on: April 13, 2018, 08:08:46 AM »
"Whoever lusts after coherence lusts after lies."- Howard Jacobson

A quote I just happened to come across today. I feel like it has a lot of interesting depths to it.

I don't know about depth, but this makes me feel better.   ;D
Is any of the above Orthodox?  I have no clue, so there's that.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28184 on: April 13, 2018, 03:01:00 PM »
"Whoever lusts after coherence lusts after lies."- Howard Jacobson

A quote I just happened to come across today. I feel like it has a lot of interesting depths to it.

I don't know about depth, but this makes me feel better.   ;D

Hah, yeah me too!
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28185 on: April 13, 2018, 03:01:38 PM »
I think every church needs one of these in the narthex. https://twitter.com/MarzGurl/status/882343566885912577
My great-grandma had a similar low-relief in her living room, but it was far less scary.

Wow. I wonder how that became so big in Latin America.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28186 on: April 13, 2018, 04:48:14 PM »
Every revelation about scummy abusive men brings my confidence in my own gender just a little lower.

Some days it feels like the only thing keeping me from "cutting myself off" is fear of Hell and a hearty does of mealy-mouthed "both sides" talk lol.




:(
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28187 on: April 13, 2018, 04:50:39 PM »
With all the constant, unremitting crap that you ladies have to put up with from us, I also can't help but feel that you're lucky in the sense that you aren't as vile as we are.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28188 on: April 13, 2018, 04:51:49 PM »
Did I just pull the reverse of the "Thank you Lord that I was not born a woman" routine?


Maybe. I honestly don't know anymore...
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline RaphaCam

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28189 on: April 13, 2018, 04:54:10 PM »
Women can be pretty abusive too, and they are very often, although it's probably rarer since most cultures give men more power to do so. I've been there more than once, probably because I'm way nicer with girlfriends than I should and have a hard time saying no.

Did I just pull the reverse of the "Thank you Lord that I was not born a woman" routine?
lol this is actually a Jewish prayer, from the Shacharith. Obviously only men pray this, women thank God for making them as he wished to.
"May the Lord our God remember in His kingdom all Holy Catholic Apostolic Church, which heralds the Word of Truth and fearlessly offers and distributes the Holy Oblation despite human deficiencies and persecutions moved by the powers of this world, in all time and unto the ages of ages."

May the Blessed Light shine Forth

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28190 on: April 13, 2018, 05:10:12 PM »
Women can be pretty abusive too, and they are very often, although it's probably rarer since most cultures give men more power to do so. I've been there more than once, probably because I'm way nicer with girlfriends than I should and have a hard time saying no.

Oh I know they can. I'm just beginning to doubt whether it's a complete "both sides are equally bad," especially when arguments about systemic sexism come into the fray.

But, then again it might not be a useful conversation to even have ultimately (the uselessness of playing at the "Oppression Olympics" and all).

Did I just pull the reverse of the "Thank you Lord that I was not born a woman" routine?
lol this is actually a Jewish prayer, from the Shacharith. Obviously only men pray this

I know. That's why I mentioned it lol. Sometimes I feel like cursing God for making me a man, you see. That's why it's the opposite.

I know it's wrong, but still it's how I feel sometimes.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28191 on: April 13, 2018, 05:56:43 PM »
Changing my sentence structurethe topic- today's trending words on etymonline:

tomboy, wife, cotton-picking, urchin, good
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Ainnir

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28192 on: April 13, 2018, 06:17:23 PM »
You're fine.  I tend to view it through the lens of Genesis, so I'd vote for "equally bad" as far as our capacity to hurt each other goes.  I'm quite happy being female, and I don't even think y'all are vile.   :D  For what it's worth.

I guess I'll clarify a post I made a while back about all men being scary.  It's a potential, more than anything--especially if rage or intoxication are involved.  I wasn't saying all men are definitely inclined to violence and such, just that no one has a sign on their head.  And most of the time, we aren't going to know people well enough to know their personal limits.  So there's that.  It wasn't fair, in retrospect.
« Last Edit: April 13, 2018, 06:31:43 PM by Ainnir »
Is any of the above Orthodox?  I have no clue, so there's that.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28193 on: April 13, 2018, 06:51:53 PM »
You're fine.  I tend to view it through the lens of Genesis, so I'd vote for "equally bad" as far as our capacity to hurt each other goes.  I'm quite happy being female, and I don't even think y'all are vile.   :D  For what it's worth.

Thanks :)

I guess I'll clarify a post I made a while back about all men being scary.  It's a potential, more than anything--especially if rage or intoxication are involved.  I wasn't saying all men are definitely inclined to violence and such, just that no one has a sign on their head.  And most of the time, we aren't going to know people well enough to know their personal limits.  So there's that.  It wasn't fair, in retrospect.

I don't even remember that post. Generally, I'd say it makes sense for women to be wary, not scared, of men because of the general physical and societal power imbalances. A bad man can often do more immediate damage than a bad woman.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Ainnir

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28194 on: April 13, 2018, 07:13:59 PM »
I don't even remember that post. Generally, I'd say it makes sense for women to be wary, not scared, of men because of the general physical and societal power imbalances. A bad man can often do more immediate damage than a bad woman.

It may have been during one of your absences, then.  I'd have to go through my history, honestly.   8)  I've been meaning to amend it for a while, anyway; it just hasn't really come up again until now.  But it's largely a physical thing in those specific situations (raging and intoxication); I'd made it sound like it's always a fear on all our minds with all men.  Maybe I'm just less anxious than I used to be, though.   ;D  And day-to-day, I'd say wariness is not something I experience, either.  Just me, though.  I haven't canvassed the rest of my sex.   :)
Is any of the above Orthodox?  I have no clue, so there's that.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28195 on: April 13, 2018, 07:23:20 PM »
Ah. Yeah, that makes a certain amount of sense.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28196 on: April 13, 2018, 07:37:45 PM »
Grilled Cheese Sandwich day is on April 12 every year, and next year that's a Friday. I suggest you all start contacting your bishop now to make sure an allowance is in place and that all parishes are informed. Let's not drag our feet with this, folks.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28197 on: April 13, 2018, 07:41:33 PM »
I wonder if future "grilled cheese sandwich" flavored pills will be fast-allowed.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28198 on: April 14, 2018, 02:00:11 PM »
With Met. Hilarion Alfeyev there seems to be this thing where in theology he is open-minded and what many might label left-leaning (pro-OO/EO dialogue, flexible views on things like place of Ecumenical Councils, sympathetic towards Origen and St. Isaac), yet in politics and worldly affairs he is much more "conservative," though sometimes in a reactionary or defensive way (supports Trump, thinks there is some kind of "fake news" conspiracy by places like CNN, conservative on the hot topic social/moral issues). Is this a fair assessment, and if so is it a normal thing in Orthodoxy in Russia or Europe?
« Last Edit: April 14, 2018, 02:01:03 PM by Asteriktos »

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28199 on: April 14, 2018, 06:33:42 PM »
With Met. Hilarion Alfeyev there seems to be this thing where in theology he is open-minded and what many might label left-leaning (pro-OO/EO dialogue, flexible views on things like place of Ecumenical Councils, sympathetic towards Origen and St. Isaac), yet in politics and worldly affairs he is much more "conservative," though sometimes in a reactionary or defensive way (supports Trump, thinks there is some kind of "fake news" conspiracy by places like CNN, conservative on the hot topic social/moral issues). Is this a fair assessment, and if so is it a normal thing in Orthodoxy in Russia or Europe?

Reminds me of how there seems to be a fair amount of people, both Christian and Nonchristian, in the US who are socially liberal, but fiscally conservative. Aaron Sorkin seems like the most famous example of that.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28200 on: April 15, 2018, 11:08:00 AM »
Just got an ad on YouTube for a local service that delivers groceries (and restaurant food). Funny how things come full circle. In the 50s and 60s, every grocery store in the US delivered. Passed away when more people started getting cars, I think.

Or I could be jumping to conclusions and it's just an Alaska thing...
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28201 on: April 15, 2018, 11:09:18 AM »
When I worked at Fred Meyer (Pacific NW version of Kroger), we took orders all the time to be shipped on flights out to the villages).
« Last Edit: April 15, 2018, 11:10:24 AM by Volnutt »
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28202 on: April 15, 2018, 11:19:51 AM »
The employee training video back then (early 2000s) claimed that Fred G. Meyer invented the shopping cart/trolley in the 30s. Wikipedia says Sylvan Goldman. *shrug*
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

Offline Volnutt

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28203 on: April 15, 2018, 11:27:05 AM »
Meyer called his version the Baskart (basket+cart) because apparently he was really a soulless homunculus created by Professor Harold Hill from The Music Man during some abandoned flirtation with alchemy.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28204 on: April 15, 2018, 11:31:15 AM »
The training video obviously expected us to the call them that, too.




Nobody ever did.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28205 on: April 15, 2018, 11:34:06 AM »
The fact that spellcheck doesn't recognize the word "homunculus" vexes me to no end.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28206 on: April 15, 2018, 11:42:49 AM »
Can't sleep. Got heartburn. Just had a can of Diet Dr. Pepper. Using Google for spellcheck has got me thinking about homunculi.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28207 on: April 15, 2018, 12:04:32 PM »
From wikipedia:

Quote
In 1775, Count Johann Ferdinand von Kufstein, together with Abbé Geloni, an Italian cleric, are reputed to have created ten homunculi with the ability to foresee the future, which von Kufstein kept in glass containers at his Masonic lodge in Vienna. Dr. Emil Besetzny's Masonic handbook, Die Sphinx, devoted an entire chapter to the wahrsagenden Geister (scrying ghosts). These are reputed to have been seen by several people, including local dignitaries.

Is this in an issue of Hellboy? I feel like it needs to be in an issue of Hellboy.
« Last Edit: April 15, 2018, 12:05:40 PM by Volnutt »
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28208 on: April 15, 2018, 12:10:21 PM »
The fact that spellcheck doesn't recognize the word "homunculus" vexes me to no end.


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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28209 on: April 15, 2018, 12:16:12 PM »
Wait, I'm confused.


So, according to you, am I not merciful?
« Last Edit: April 15, 2018, 12:16:30 PM by Volnutt »
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28210 on: April 15, 2018, 12:19:50 PM »
Wait, I'm confused.


So, according to you, am I not merciful?

Maybe not merciful, no, but you have other virtues. Ambition, that can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resourcefulness. Courage. Perhaps not on the battlefield but there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to your family, to oc.net.

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28211 on: April 15, 2018, 12:32:41 PM »
With Met. Hilarion Alfeyev there seems to be this thing where in theology he is open-minded and what many might label left-leaning (pro-OO/EO dialogue, flexible views on things like place of Ecumenical Councils, sympathetic towards Origen and St. Isaac), yet in politics and worldly affairs he is much more "conservative," though sometimes in a reactionary or defensive way (supports Trump, thinks there is some kind of "fake news" conspiracy by places like CNN, conservative on the hot topic social/moral issues). Is this a fair assessment, and if so is it a normal thing in Orthodoxy in Russia or Europe?

Reminds me of how there seems to be a fair amount of people, both Christian and Nonchristian, in the US who are socially liberal, but fiscally conservative. Aaron Sorkin seems like the most famous example of that.

That's basic mainstream US liberalism. Occasionally make some vaguely left noises while shilling for corporations and gutting social programs. Aaron Sorkin and his awful shows are a perfect representation of this.
Mencius said, “Instruction makes use of many techniques. When I do not deign to instruct someone, that too is a form of instruction.”

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28212 on: April 15, 2018, 12:48:46 PM »
Wait, I'm confused.


So, according to you, am I not merciful?

Maybe not merciful, no, but you have other virtues. Ambition, that can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resourcefulness. Courage. Perhaps not on the battlefield but there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to your family, to oc.net.

What if ambition drives me to LibreOffice Calc or Calligra Suite, though?
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28213 on: April 16, 2018, 07:10:06 AM »
1) Read a youtube comment saying that the person in the vid is "a liberal elite out of touch with normal people" or something
2) Go to the profile of the commenter and watch one of their videos
3) See that the vid involves them shooting a gun in their backyard with fancy ammo they are proudly showing off
4) ????
5) Trump wins reelection!

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Re: Random Postings
« Reply #28214 on: April 16, 2018, 07:11:45 AM »
Wait, I'm confused.


So, according to you, am I not merciful?

Maybe not merciful, no, but you have other virtues. Ambition, that can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resourcefulness. Courage. Perhaps not on the battlefield but there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to your family, to oc.net.

What if ambition drives me to LibreOffice Calc or Calligra Suite, though?

I googled both of those, and the joke is still going over my head, sorry! :)