"There are a number of things
I could have chosen to write about in this letter. I could have chosen to write about how Mr. John J Jingleheimer-Schmidt V is hell-bent on appropriating sacred symbols for fatuous purposes. Or I might have chosen to write something about the way that this is the precondition for my crusade against iniquitous Leninism. But, instead, I've decided to devote this entire letter to explaining how Mr. Jingleheimer-Schmidt fears nothing more than the exposure of his motives and activities. What follows is the story of how Mr. Jingleheimer-Schmidt can be so rich in the rhetoric of democracy and yet so poor in its implementation. I cannot emphasize enough how much I resent his policies.
If we don't turn random, senseless violence into meaningful action then Mr. Jingleheimer-schmidt will feature simplistic answers to complex problems. This message has been brought to you by the Department of Blinding Obviousness. What might not be so obvious, however, is that everybody is probably familiar with the cliche that Mr. Jingleheimer-schmidt's cock-and-bull stories are colored and flavored to appeal to the worst kinds of atrabilious, blowsy malefactors I've ever seen. Well, there's a lot of truth in that cliche. He claims to have donated a lot of money to charity over the past few years. I suspect that the nullibicity of those donations would become apparent if one were to audit Mr. Jingleheimer-schmidt's books—unless, of course, “charity” includes Mr. Jingleheimer-schmidt-run organizations that marginalize and eventually even outlaw responsible critics of homophobic sciolists. In that case, I'd say that we live in a deeply troubled society. But there's the rub; even Mr. Jingleheimer-schmidt's legates are afraid that Mr. Jingleheimer-schmidt will bake us a cake of antinomianism, filled with fogyism and topped with a layer of corporatism as soon as our backs are turned. I have seen their fear manifested over and over again, and it is further evidence that Mr. Jingleheimer-schmidt may have access to weapons of mass destruction. Then again, I consider him to be a weapon of mass destruction himself.
Mr. Jingleheimer-schmidt will plunge the whole of Christendom into wars and chaos long before he can convert me into one of his grunts. He hates you—yes, you, because you, like me, want to give him the severe tongue-lashing he deserves. Whenever anyone states the obvious—that he's cursed with the vice of pleonexia, of the urge to receive more than his fair share,—discussion naturally progresses towards the question, “How can he be so self-centered?” There is widespread agreement in asking that question but there is great disagreement in answering it. No matter how bad you think Mr. Jingleheimer-schmidt's homilies are, I assure you that they are far, far worse than you think. Mr. Jingleheimer-schmidt hates people who have huge supplies of the things he lacks. What he lacks the most is common sense, which underlies my point that we need to make Mr. Jingleheimer-schmidt's crime-stained gibes understood, resisted, and made the object of deserved contempt by young and old alike. Unfortunately, reaching that simple conclusion sometimes seems to be above human reason. But there is a wisdom above human, and to that we must look if we are ever to analyze Mr. Jingleheimer-schmidt's denunciations in the manner of sociological studies of mass communication and persuasion. Now that you've read the bulk of this letter, it should not come as a complete surprise that it is easier for me to imagine a million-dimensional vector space than the number of inconsistencies in Mr. John J Jingleheimer-schmidt V's plans for the future. However, this fact bears repeating again and again, until the words crack through the hardened exteriors of those who would reap a whirlwind of destroyed marriages, damaged children, and, quite possibly, a globe-wide expression of incurable sexually transmitted diseases. I am referring, of course, to the likes of John J Jingleheimer-schmidt."