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Author Topic: Silent nights..  (Read 680 times) Average Rating: 0
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SerenAnahtar
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« on: December 04, 2005, 07:03:28 PM »

So strange.. Sometimes in the deepness of my heart i see that this pain was born with me.. Like keen knife in heart.. With keen and thin blade that came in my heart with my first breathing..
How hard you try, you wont do it alone.. You wont take this knife alone..
Sometimes it even seems that it doesnt hurt.. But when you only for a little touch it, you die from pain..
I dont know what to do.. I fear one night i wont endure this loneliness.. Most of the times pain from this knife hides somewhere inside, hurting everywhere and nowhere at the same time.. it seems pain became easier.. But even at this time there is hardly felt, but living in every thought and feeling, bitterness.. Bitterness like from sea water in the summer beautiful evening.. When sun sets.. It seems, like its slowly falling and melting in sea with all its fansinating, a little sad, but so beautiful and bright shining.. And for the last evening minutes when sea fulles up with last sun shine.. Sea becomes sun.. when i watch it, i feel like i hear the most beautifull love song.. Sunset and sea..
Im touching silk of waves but.. Feel tears.. Bitter.. Bitter tears, when despair and bliss become the one..

Sometimes i want so much to foget it all.. Never feel this.. How i wish to see onl sea and sun like hundreds people do, and never feel pain or bliss.. despair or crying from beauty..How i wish to forget..

I cant see people around.. I feel i hate them and i feel im powerless against them.. I know, i have no right to hate, only because they are different from me, but i cant.. Their wishes, hopes, lives.. I cant think of them.. I cant see their empty eyes..

"When people run in circles, its a very very mad world"..




My memories.. My childhood.. My school. My world.. Memories. Memories. Memories.. Rust chains that i cant breake.. Snining summer days and choking smell of despair, isolation and insane fearfull thoughts.. Loneliness.. Lonelines.. Loneliness.. Naive clean tears year from years became salty mad scarlets drops ob blood..


"Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand
Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
'cause I've been treated so wrong,
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Well, contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
but I don't need them, no I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong,
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow-dying flower
In the frost-killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable
I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness
Oh I need this
I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel, sweet love of my life
Oh I need this
I'm a slow-dying flower
Frost-killing hour
The sweet turning sour and untouchable
Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored
Your face-saving promises
Whispered liked prayers
I don't need them
I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness
Oh, I need this
I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel, sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this
Well is it dark enough
Can you see me
Do you want me
Can you reach me
Oh, I'm leaving
Better shut your mouth, and hold your breath
You kiss me now, you catch your death

I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel, sweet love of my life"



Everyday these chains become only more and more rust and i lose dreams, hopes and wishes to breake them.. I walk the same streets.. i see the same picture from window.. Smile to the same people, hating and envying at the same time to their stupid and meaningless lifes..

Night is full of brightest stars, but no one eyes are reflecting that beautiful silent shining..

The more i feel im stranger to others, the more i want to find someone who will understand me.. I never truly believed that, but this dream came so deep into breathing of my spirit from the first tear of loneliness.. Maybe its way to comforting myself.. Believeing that one day i wont be lonely saved me.. This dream was a my little cute home, where everything is so safe and dear to me, where i can hide and be myself, where some tender hands can heal all my wounds, troubles, pain i lived during long day..



"I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
playing the angel says:
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it..."




"I've felt you coming girl, as you drew near
I knew you'd find me, cause I longed you here
Are you my desitiny? Is this how you'll appear?
Wrapped in a coat with tears in your eyes?
Well take that coat babe, and throw it on the floor
Are you the one that I've been waiting for?


As you've been moving surely toward me
My soul has comforted and assured me
That in time my heart it will reward me
And that all will be revealed
So I've sat and I've watched an ice-age thaw
Are you the one that I've been waiting for?


Out of sorrow entire worlds have been built
Out of longing great wonders have been willed
They're only little tears, darling, let them spill
And lay your head upon my shoulder
Outside my window the world has gone to war
Are you the one that I've been waiting for?


O we will know, won't we?
The stars will explode in the sky
O but they don't, do they?
Stars have their moment and then they die
There's a man who spoke wonders though I've never met him
He said, "He who seeks finds and who knocks will be let in"
I think of you in motion and just how close you are getting
And how every little thing anticipates you
All down my veins my heart-strings call
Are you the one that I've been waiting for?"



And i stayed with these thoughts, songs, hopes, dreams that were my best friends in my little lovely lonely place, one of the dearest rooms in my heart.. Room of waiting and dreaming. Room where every little detail was prepared, cleaned and recleaned thousand times because of every minute ardent waiting.. Room that have one the hardest lock, but two silver keys.. However, last time i fear the is only one key, that i wear at my chest near heart..


My pain can be healed only in someones pain.. I can share my loneliness only with other`s loneliness.. I can rid of my pain only in someone`s else painfull world.. I need you..



seren-anahtar@rambler.ru
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Salpy
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Faith: Oriental Orthodox Christian
Jurisdiction: Armenian Church
Posts: 12,646


Pray for the Christians of Iraq and Syria.


« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2005, 07:46:52 PM »

I will pray for you.  If you are able to describe more specifically what is hurting you, you may want to post on the prayer forum, so more people can have you in their prayers.

It seems you are experiencing emotional pain and loneliness. The most perfect solution to our emotional pain and loneliness, of course, is Christ.  Pray to Him for His mercy.  Ask Him to heal you and to fill your emptiness.  Sometimes it is when we are completely empty that He is most able to be with us and to fill us.

May Christ be with you and help you.
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