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Offline brokenhearted_husband

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my wife hates me
« on: April 17, 2015, 10:58:36 PM »
I don't know what to do. My wife and I haven't been married a year, we have a baby on the way, I love her very much but I feel like she doesn't care about me at all. All we do lately is argue, she seems to care more about everything or anything more than she does me. And what's worse is anytime I bring this up she gets angry at me and tells me that I hurt her feelings. She will not accept my feelings at all. She also will not go to counseling. She says that we don't need it. I don't know what to do, I suffer from severe depression and because we recently moved the VA hasn't given me a new doctor yet, I've been off my meds for a couple of months now and I can feel myself breaking. I feel so lost.



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« Last Edit: April 20, 2015, 01:04:35 PM by PeterTheAleut »

Offline biro

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2015, 11:01:44 PM »
Lord have mercy. I am so sorry.
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Offline xOrthodox4Christx

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2015, 11:04:14 PM »
Quote
she seems to care more about everything or anything more than she does me.

That's where your problem is. You need to love her, even if she doesn't love you. Telling things to women that they don't want to hear just makes them more upset and defensive.
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Offline Porter ODoran

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2015, 11:09:01 PM »
I am very sorry, and I pray the Lord to comfort and strengthen you.

I also pray the Lord heal your relationship with your beloved. You do need to sit down with her and make clear to her that, yes, we do need marriage counseling. Her "not needing" it does not mean the marriage does not need it. Arrange it without her cooperation if necessary, and go and continue to press her to go.
"Love ... is an abyss of illumination, a mountain of fire ... . It is the condition of angels, the progress of eternity" (Climacus).

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Offline JTLoganville

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2015, 11:36:48 PM »
The problems with your marriage are a symptom---a very, very, important symptom, but a single symptom nonetheless--of a much deeper disease/disorder.

The disorder is stress overload brought about by too many major changes too quickly:  Marriage, pregnancy, relocation, loss of medical resource.  You are going through a lot.

Contact your Congressional representative's office to light a fire under the VA.  You need to get back onto the antidepresants ASAP but under medical supervision.

No mention in your post about settling in to a new parish:   You also are in need of coming under the care of a Priest (who represents the Great Physician and healer of our souls).

Offline littlepilgrim64

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2015, 12:20:23 AM »
Lord, have mercy! I will be praying for you both.


Offline Maria

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2015, 12:33:20 AM »
Lord have mercy.

Most Holy Theotokos, save us.
The memory of God should be treasured in our hearts like the precious pearl mentioned in the Holy Gospel. Our life's goal should be to nurture and contemplate God always within, and never let it depart, for this steadfastness will drive demons away from us. - Paraphrased from St. Philotheus of Sinai
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Offline eddybear

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2015, 08:28:17 AM »
Lord, have mercy.

I echo what JT said above in that you need to get back on medication, under appropriate supervision, as soon as possible. Until that is addressed, marriage counselling is not what you need to focus on, as you won't be in the right place to benefit from it. Nor will your wife if she doesn't want it, and if you push the issue you will only make it worse.

Bear in mind too how much your wife has got on her plate. The stress of a move, missing the support of friends nearby, adjusting to being married, pregnancy and all the physiological and emotional changes that go with it ...... I expect she still loves you dearly, but is probably completely worn out! Counselling in those circumstances would just be yet another thing for her to cope with, and she may be quite relieved if you were to tell her you've realised you don't need it. Cut her some slack, love her as best you can, apologise to her for where you've upset her (which is an essential part of any marriage), and see what happens.

Offline LenInSebastopol

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2015, 09:34:04 AM »
JT and Eddybear have sound advice.
There is nothing more I may add except my prayers for you and the love of your life.
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Offline Alxandra

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2015, 09:35:23 AM »
Lord have mercy.
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Offline Iconodule

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2015, 09:36:18 AM »
Here's a song for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmkQmcxtUgw

No, seriously, it might make you feel better. Lord have mercy.
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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2015, 12:17:16 PM »
God be with you.  I've been in the same place with girlfriends but never a wife with a kid.  I can only imagine how you must be feeling.  I pray that the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, come to you.
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Offline Branthony

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #12 on: April 18, 2015, 03:51:37 PM »
I know how you feel, I've been married just under a year, my wife is pregnant and I suffer from depression. Sometimes my wife makes me feel the same way but you have to remember, there are a lot of hormones in her body right now, her body is under a lot of stress, if she didn't love you she wouldn't be with you. Just be patient and hang in there brother, and above all don't do anything that you'll regret.
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Offline WPM

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2015, 04:18:26 PM »
Quote
she seems to care more about everything or anything more than she does me.

That's where your problem is. You need to love her, even if she doesn't love you. Telling things to women that they don't want to hear just makes them more upset and defensive.


The actual problem itself? ...
« Last Edit: April 18, 2015, 04:18:52 PM by WPM »
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Offline St. Christopher

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2015, 05:08:24 PM »
Have you considered St. John's Wort?  It's a natural antidepressant.  I started taking it when I lost my insurance and it helps.  A month's worth can be bought for a few dollars.  It might get you through until your insurance starts. 

Offline LenInSebastopol

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #15 on: April 18, 2015, 05:50:21 PM »
Vitamin B, the cheap store brand is good. Vitamine B12 really helps me a lot too. I'm just saying my stuff.........

As for the VA, write to this guy directly
http://www.va.gov/opa/bios/secretary.asp

The media has been all over these guys for a couple of months so you will probably get a quicker response if you send a carbon copy to your federal representative, Senate and House.
And what's the worse they can do to you? pull you back in?  ;)

Oh, and if your beloved does not want to "talk about it" then don't. Wait a year.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2015, 05:51:14 PM by LenInSebastopol »
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Offline Porter ODoran

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #16 on: April 18, 2015, 05:57:04 PM »
Oh, and if your beloved does not want to "talk about it" then don't. Wait a year.

This advice is flatly bad. You (OP) do need to get help now.
"Love ... is an abyss of illumination, a mountain of fire ... . It is the condition of angels, the progress of eternity" (Climacus).

Quote from: Seekingtrue
Yes we who are far from sainthood we can recognize a living saint and I'm talking from personal experience.Yes they are gentle soo gentle it can not be described it is like gentleness and humility in one and also they have this light this energy it's beyond words...and when you are near them you feel ecstatic and very happy

Offline LenInSebastopol

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #17 on: April 18, 2015, 06:02:16 PM »
Oh, and if your beloved does not want to "talk about it" then don't. Wait a year.

This advice is flatly bad. You (OP) do need to get help now.

He is right, in both cases.

However, as you 'force' your opinions and/or doubts about love upon her and she is carrying a baby, the better advice, besides getting help for your self and meds, is to simply and quickly say,"yes, dear" and do as she asks.  She is in a vulnerable state and all that 'let us talk of love' stuff is a bunch of hooey. Support her and keep her well fed and rested. Go to work, bring home the groceries and take all this internet opinion and garbage with a grain of salt.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2015, 06:10:18 PM by LenInSebastopol »
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Offline Arachne

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #18 on: April 18, 2015, 06:34:11 PM »
Have you considered St. John's Wort?  It's a natural antidepressant.  I started taking it when I lost my insurance and it helps.  A month's worth can be bought for a few dollars.  It might get you through until your insurance starts. 

Like all herbal remedies, St. John's Wort takes time to show results - no less than three weeks. It can also interact in all sorts of nasty ways with conventional medications, inhibiting some and amplifying others. Self-medicating with non-standardised herbs without advice at least from a herbalist (not the health food store assistant kind) is a bad idea.

On the other hand, I have friends who have seen very good results taking fish oil supplements. Maybe our grandparents were on to something when they trotted out the cod liver oil at the first sign of unwellness.
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Offline brokenhearted_husband

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #19 on: April 18, 2015, 08:59:36 PM »
I think for tonight at least I'm just gonna ignore it and drink a whole bottle of wine

Offline LenInSebastopol

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #20 on: April 18, 2015, 09:03:38 PM »
Don't. Period.
A bit, maybe......
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Offline Alxandra

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #21 on: April 18, 2015, 09:04:31 PM »
I think for tonight at least I'm just gonna ignore it and drink a whole bottle of wine

Lord have mercy, I'm sorry you are feeling this way tonight. I think prayer could help much more than wine could though :) Every struggle is an opportunity to see God's grace. As Christians we will suffer but Christ does not ask us to suffer alone, because when we pray He takes our burdens and is always with us. I will be praying for  you.

Here is a comforting and peaceful video on suffering from Elder Aresnie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANiI9-9hVoA
« Last Edit: April 18, 2015, 09:08:22 PM by Alxandra »
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Offline biro

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #22 on: April 18, 2015, 09:09:08 PM »
I think for tonight at least I'm just gonna ignore it and drink a whole bottle of wine

Lord have mercy. Please, water instead?

All saints, pray for us.
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Offline JTLoganville

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #23 on: April 18, 2015, 09:17:51 PM »
I think for tonight at least I'm just gonna ignore it and drink a whole bottle of wine

As others have said:  DON'T!!

Alcohol is a depressant and will make your depression deepen geometrically.

Offline LenInSebastopol

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #24 on: April 18, 2015, 09:23:14 PM »
Good book, maybe in your church library. Not a "cure all" but a good resource, God's Path to Sanity, by Dee Pennock. Rather expensive but check it out as soon as practical.

http://www.amazon.com/Gods-Path-Sanity-Dee-Pennock-ebook/dp/B008G0ELU6/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1429406221&sr=1-1&keywords=god%27s+path+to+sanity

It's $20 for hardcopy so I hope your church has it to loan.
Wife read it, didn't get it, so I skipped the first couple of chapters & simply jumped into starting with the "meat" of the substance. The author is Orthodox so there's no great leap or interpretation.
Hold on to your chair as she is not gentle when going; ripped me a new one....... and after the pain, was glad.
It was like exercising, discomforting during and feel great afterwards.

Matter of fact, go for a walk, jog, do a chin-up, push up, something other than drink wine. Do it NOW and within 20 minutes you will feel better.
People are praying for you tonight. Don't let yourself down.
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Offline brokenhearted_husband

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #25 on: April 18, 2015, 10:04:13 PM »
Sorry, I'm drunk. But I am ok.

Offline LenInSebastopol

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #26 on: April 18, 2015, 11:10:01 PM »
Of course you think you're ok. Your drunk
Enjoy.
Now and later, you are not OK.
You are just drunk and none can blame you.
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Offline Porter ODoran

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #27 on: April 18, 2015, 11:18:40 PM »
Sorry, I'm drunk. But I am ok.

Brave man. Don't give up hope!

Lord, have mercy on your servant.
"Love ... is an abyss of illumination, a mountain of fire ... . It is the condition of angels, the progress of eternity" (Climacus).

Quote from: Seekingtrue
Yes we who are far from sainthood we can recognize a living saint and I'm talking from personal experience.Yes they are gentle soo gentle it can not be described it is like gentleness and humility in one and also they have this light this energy it's beyond words...and when you are near them you feel ecstatic and very happy

Offline Maria

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #28 on: April 18, 2015, 11:47:59 PM »
Have you considered St. John's Wort?  It's a natural antidepressant.  I started taking it when I lost my insurance and it helps.  A month's worth can be bought for a few dollars.  It might get you through until your insurance starts. 

Like all herbal remedies, St. John's Wort takes time to show results - no less than three weeks. It can also interact in all sorts of nasty ways with conventional medications, inhibiting some and amplifying others. Self-medicating with non-standardised herbs without advice at least from a herbalist (not the health food store assistant kind) is a bad idea.

On the other hand, I have friends who have seen very good results taking fish oil supplements. Maybe our grandparents were on to something when they trotted out the cod liver oil at the first sign of unwellness.

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Writings from the Philokalia: On Prayer of the Heart,
Translated from the Russian by E. Kadloubovksy and G.E.H. Palmer, Faber and Faber, London, Boston, 1992 printing.

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #29 on: April 19, 2015, 12:04:16 AM »
"Lord have mercy." +++


Selam
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Offline Porter ODoran

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #30 on: April 19, 2015, 12:18:03 AM »
O Most Holy Theotokos and all the saints, intercede with Christ God to rescue this household and the souls within it and to grant healing and blessing. Lord, be quick to save.
"Love ... is an abyss of illumination, a mountain of fire ... . It is the condition of angels, the progress of eternity" (Climacus).

Quote from: Seekingtrue
Yes we who are far from sainthood we can recognize a living saint and I'm talking from personal experience.Yes they are gentle soo gentle it can not be described it is like gentleness and humility in one and also they have this light this energy it's beyond words...and when you are near them you feel ecstatic and very happy

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #31 on: April 19, 2015, 01:05:38 AM »
Do any of you people offering advice know what the hell you're talking about? ???
Not all who wander are lost.

Offline Porter ODoran

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #32 on: April 19, 2015, 01:08:58 AM »
Only from sad personal experience. I hope we're all hoping a professional counselor or priest will weigh in.
"Love ... is an abyss of illumination, a mountain of fire ... . It is the condition of angels, the progress of eternity" (Climacus).

Quote from: Seekingtrue
Yes we who are far from sainthood we can recognize a living saint and I'm talking from personal experience.Yes they are gentle soo gentle it can not be described it is like gentleness and humility in one and also they have this light this energy it's beyond words...and when you are near them you feel ecstatic and very happy

Offline PeterTheAleut

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #33 on: April 19, 2015, 01:52:49 AM »
Only from sad personal experience. I hope we're all hoping a professional counselor or priest will weigh in.
Until then, I think it highly unethical for anyone without a psychological license to offer counseling, and I think it just as unethical for a licensed psychologist to offer counseling over the Internet. This is a very serious situation. ISTM the height of hubris to offer advice when we don't know any of the details. Such ill-informed advice can be extremely destructive.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2015, 01:53:13 AM by PeterTheAleut »
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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #34 on: April 19, 2015, 01:56:20 AM »
Only from sad personal experience. I hope we're all hoping a professional counselor or priest will weigh in.
Until then, I think it highly unethical for anyone without a psychological license to offer counseling, and I think it just as unethical for a licensed psychologist to offer counseling over the Internet. This is a very serious situation. ISTM the height of hubris to offer advice when we don't know any of the details. Such ill-informed advice can be extremely destructive.

Then no one should have responded to the OP, except a "Go get professional help" or "Lord, have mercy"?
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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #35 on: April 19, 2015, 01:58:43 AM »
Only from sad personal experience. I hope we're all hoping a professional counselor or priest will weigh in.
Until then, I think it highly unethical for anyone without a psychological license to offer counseling, and I think it just as unethical for a licensed psychologist to offer counseling over the Internet. This is a very serious situation. ISTM the height of hubris to offer advice when we don't know any of the details. Such ill-informed advice can be extremely destructive.

Then no one should have responded to the OP, except a "Go get professional help" or "Lord, have mercy"?
EXACTLY!!! Thank you for understanding what I'm saying. :)
« Last Edit: April 19, 2015, 02:02:09 AM by PeterTheAleut »
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Offline hecma925

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #36 on: April 19, 2015, 02:01:07 AM »
Only from sad personal experience. I hope we're all hoping a professional counselor or priest will weigh in.
Until then, I think it highly unethical for anyone without a psychological license to offer counseling, and I think it just as unethical for a licensed psychologist to offer counseling over the Internet. This is a very serious situation. ISTM the height of hubris to offer advice when we don't know any of the details. Such ill-informed advice can be extremely destructive.

Then no one should have responded to the OP, except a "Go get professional help" or "Lord, have mercy"?
EXACTLY!!! Thank you for understanding what I'm saying.  :)
;)
Happy shall he be, that shall take and dash thy little ones against the rock. Alleluia.

Once Christ has filled the Cross, it can never be empty again.

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Offline RobS

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #37 on: April 19, 2015, 02:13:59 AM »
Only from sad personal experience. I hope we're all hoping a professional counselor or priest will weigh in.
Until then, I think it highly unethical for anyone without a psychological license to offer counseling, and I think it just as unethical for a licensed psychologist to offer counseling over the Internet. This is a very serious situation. ISTM the height of hubris to offer advice when we don't know any of the details. Such ill-informed advice can be extremely destructive.
As much as I agree, why restrict commentary on OP's situation when it was posted on a public board? OP is inviting "ill-informed" advice from anonymous strangers who may have no clue. It's the OP who runs the naive risk of taking such advice to heart.

If the OP were seriously seeking advice, why post here? It's clearly beyond the scope of this board as you say. Maybe the OP just needs to release some steam.
"The business of the Christian is nothing else than to be ever preparing for death (μελεπᾷν ἀποθνήσκειν)."

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Modernist thinking and being consists of nothing but uncritical acceptance.

Offline PeterTheAleut

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #38 on: April 19, 2015, 03:33:26 AM »
Only from sad personal experience. I hope we're all hoping a professional counselor or priest will weigh in.
Until then, I think it highly unethical for anyone without a psychological license to offer counseling, and I think it just as unethical for a licensed psychologist to offer counseling over the Internet. This is a very serious situation. ISTM the height of hubris to offer advice when we don't know any of the details. Such ill-informed advice can be extremely destructive.
As much as I agree, why restrict commentary on OP's situation when it was posted on a public board? OP is inviting "ill-informed" advice from anonymous strangers who may have no clue. It's the OP who runs the naive risk of taking such advice to heart.

If the OP were seriously seeking advice, why post here? It's clearly beyond the scope of this board as you say. Maybe the OP just needs to release some steam.
Why cater to his naïvete by being stupid?
Not all who wander are lost.

Offline RobS

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #39 on: April 19, 2015, 04:56:49 AM »
Why cater to his naïvete by being stupid?
Yeah I'm really not taking the OP serious anyway, especially having 3 posts all in this thread.
"The business of the Christian is nothing else than to be ever preparing for death (μελεπᾷν ἀποθνήσκειν)."

— Saint Irenaeus of Lyons, Fragment XI

Modernist thinking and being consists of nothing but uncritical acceptance.

Offline hecma925

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #40 on: April 19, 2015, 05:20:31 AM »
Why cater to his naïvete by being stupid?
Yeah I'm really not taking the OP serious anyway, especially having 3 posts all in this thread.

Sorry, I'm drunk. But I am ok.

Especially when all it took was some wine to fix everything.
Happy shall he be, that shall take and dash thy little ones against the rock. Alleluia.

Once Christ has filled the Cross, it can never be empty again.

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Offline WPM

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #41 on: April 19, 2015, 09:33:13 AM »
You mean your mom, .. and not your wife.  ;)
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Offline Porter ODoran

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #42 on: April 19, 2015, 11:03:38 AM »
Why cater to his naïvete by being stupid?
Yeah I'm really not taking the OP serious anyway, especially having 3 posts all in this thread.

Best not to judge everyone else by our own character.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2015, 11:05:25 AM by Porter ODoran »
"Love ... is an abyss of illumination, a mountain of fire ... . It is the condition of angels, the progress of eternity" (Climacus).

Quote from: Seekingtrue
Yes we who are far from sainthood we can recognize a living saint and I'm talking from personal experience.Yes they are gentle soo gentle it can not be described it is like gentleness and humility in one and also they have this light this energy it's beyond words...and when you are near them you feel ecstatic and very happy

Offline Porter ODoran

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #43 on: April 19, 2015, 11:05:04 AM »
How is this thread suddenly becoming shameful?

If you cannot relate, exercise charity.
"Love ... is an abyss of illumination, a mountain of fire ... . It is the condition of angels, the progress of eternity" (Climacus).

Quote from: Seekingtrue
Yes we who are far from sainthood we can recognize a living saint and I'm talking from personal experience.Yes they are gentle soo gentle it can not be described it is like gentleness and humility in one and also they have this light this energy it's beyond words...and when you are near them you feel ecstatic and very happy

Offline vamrat

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Re: my wife hates me
« Reply #44 on: April 20, 2015, 11:22:20 AM »
Do any of you people offering advice know what the hell you're talking about? ???

Yeah.  I am still praying that the Holy Spirit helps him.  He is good at that sort of thing.

Also, IF YOU START TAKING XANAX, DO NOT, DO FRIKKING NOT, DRINK ALCOHOL!!!!!1!  If there is a half percent chance that you have anywhere near the reaction I had after one beer + one xanax, YOU WILL BE SORRY.  It is the most intense misery I can remember and it was all over something not that bad, in the grand scheme of things. 
Das ist des Jägers Ehrenschild, daß er beschützt und hegt sein Wild, weidmännisch jagt, wie sich’s gehört, den Schöpfer im Geschöpfe ehrt.