Author Topic: "I Waited Until My Wedding Night to Lose My Virginity, and I Wish I Hadn’t"  (Read 13161 times)

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Offline BrethrenBoy

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This article popes up I my Facebook feed recently. I  insure of how to respond to it.
http://www.styleite.com/first-person/i-waited-until-my-wedding-night-to-lose-my-virginity-and-i-wish-i-hadnt/
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Offline Asteriktos

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An unfortunate experience, I'm sorry that she got conditioned in such a horrible way (and still seems to be so?) I was similarly a virgin on my wedding night, and I also think it was unnecessary, though for seemingly different reasons than her.

Offline ialmisry

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"When I have sex with my husband, I make sure it’s because I have a sexual need and not because I feel I’m required to fulfill his desires."
So, he's just a tool to fulfill her sexual needs, and that is progress.  OK.

"Your sexuality is nobody’s business but yours." Only if your masturbating, and some would dispute even then.  You don't have to listen to them though.
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Offline JamesR

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"When I have sex with my husband, I make sure it’s because I have a sexual need and not because I feel I’m required to fulfill his desires."
So, he's just a tool to fulfill her sexual needs, and that is progress.  OK.

"Your sexuality is nobody’s business but yours." Only if your masturbating, and some would dispute even then.  You don't have to listen to them though.

I love you

Offline Gorazd

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It seems to me like she first of all has an issue with her faith.

Offline littlepilgrim64

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It is very concerning that she states that after she was married she felt that sex was "dirty and wrong and sinful".  Also, that she felt that after she was married those around her viewed her as being "soiled and tarnished".  She must have been in some ultra-fundamentalist Baptist church and/or her parents views of sex were unhealthy.  Very sad.

I was raised Roman Catholic and I remember my mom explaining to me that I was to remain a virgin until I was married because God designed sex to be a holy and beautiful connection between a husband and wife.  It was all positive and holding on to that is what helped me remain a virgin until marriage (though really, really, really difficult). 

Offline Agabus

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She must have been in some ultra-fundamentalist Baptist church...
I was raised amongst ultra-fundamentalist Baptists, and we were told by numerous people that sex was off limits until marriage not because it is dirty but because it is awesome and thus must not be experienced.

It was kind of a weird message, actually.

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Offline Aquensis

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From the article: "It was entirely possible that my future husband wouldn’t remain pure for me, because he didn’t have that same responsibility, according to the Bible."

Why is it these people ALWAYS say this? Everyone is always telling me Christianity teaches women have to remain virgin until marriage, and men do not. I don't even believe these people came from families identifying as Christian when they are so clueless. Just more liars that probably never entered a church in their life.

Offline Porter ODoran

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From the article: "It was entirely possible that my future husband wouldn’t remain pure for me, because he didn’t have that same responsibility, according to the Bible."

Why is it these people ALWAYS say this? Everyone is always telling me Christianity teaches women have to remain virgin until marriage, and men do not. I don't even believe these people came from families identifying as Christian when they are so clueless. Just more liars that probably never entered a church in their life.

You're simply unaware of many people's experience. I understand your exasperation -- but aim it at the hucksters who pose as spiritual teachers in this country, don't "shoot the messenger."
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Offline scamandrius

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Whenever any group, be it a church  or anyone else, only demonizes sex then this kind of reaction as portrayed in the article is, to me, understandable. 
Da quod iubes et iube quod vis.

Offline TheTrisagion

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She must have been in some ultra-fundamentalist Baptist church...
I was raised amongst ultra-fundamentalist Baptists, and we were told by numerous people that sex was off limits until marriage not because it is dirty but because it is awesome and thus must not be experienced.

It was kind of a weird message, actually.


This is pretty much what I was taught with the exception for a warning that if you did partake of the awesomeness of sex before you were married, then no one would ever want to marry you except for some godless devil worshipper or their equivalent, the liberal mainline denominationalists.
God bless!

Offline Punch

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She must have been in some ultra-fundamentalist Baptist church...
I was raised amongst ultra-fundamentalist Baptists, and we were told by numerous people that sex was off limits until marriage not because it is dirty but because it is awesome and thus must not be experienced.

It was kind of a weird message, actually.
This is pretty much what I was taught with the exception for a warning that if you did partake of the awesomeness of sex before you were married, then no one would ever want to marry you except for some godless devil worshipper or their equivalent, the liberal mainline denominationalists.


I was taught something similar.
I would be happy to agree with you, but then both of us would be wrong.

Offline Arachne

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I find purity pledges creepy as all get out. Especially when they involve prepubescent kids, who may have no clue what they're getting themselves into, but who will most definitely be held to that pledge with all the force guilt-tripping can muster.
'Evil isn't the real threat to the world. Stupid is just as destructive as evil, maybe more so, and it's a hell of a lot more common. What we really need is a crusade against stupid. That might actually make a difference.'~Harry Dresden

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Offline TheTrisagion

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Personal experience leads me to the belief that purity pledges only work when the child involved does not have the means to act contrary to the pledge.  It is easy to pledge purity when the girls run in fear from your pimple ridden face.  :P
God bless!

Offline Alpo

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I'm sorry for her. It seems that the problem wasn't the prohibition of pre-marital sex itself but all the other stuff his former church add to that. Christians can be be morons too.
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Offline Alveus Lacuna

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To offer a balanced perspective, I have a friend who saved himself for marriage. He's still glad he waited, but it has definitely caused problems with his sex life afterward. You just can't have guilty sex feelings for your whole life and then expect to suddenly have it all be OK.

I personally think that Christianity is intrinsically sexually ackward. There's just no getting around it.

Also, in Orthodoxy virginity is the ultimate. Christ and his Mother were both virgins, and those who assert that there is something wrong, undeveloped, or half-human about virgins would do well to remember that!
« Last Edit: August 15, 2014, 04:55:33 PM by Alveus Lacuna »

Offline orthonorm

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To offer a balanced perspective, I have a friend who saved himself for marriage. He's still glad he waited, but it has definitely caused problems with his sex life afterward. You just can't have guilty sex feelings for your whole life and then expect to suddenly have it all be OK.

I personally think that Christianity is intrinsically sexually ackward. There's just no getting around it.

Also, in Orthodoxy virginity is the ultimate. Christ and his Mother were both virgins, and those who assert that there is something wrong, undeveloped, or half-human about virgins would do well to remember that!

Sex is intrinsically awkward. Christianity just turns the intrinsic awkwardness oft into something pathological.

Offline Godspell

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It is very concerning that she states that after she was married she felt that sex was "dirty and wrong and sinful".  Also, that she felt that after she was married those around her viewed her as being "soiled and tarnished".  She must have been in some ultra-fundamentalist Baptist church and/or her parents views of sex were unhealthy.  Very sad.

I was raised Roman Catholic and I remember my mom explaining to me that I was to remain a virgin until I was married because God designed sex to be a holy and beautiful connection between a husband and wife.  It was all positive and holding on to that is what helped me remain a virgin until marriage (though really, really, really difficult). 

I was actually thinking the same thing. In the Mormon Church, my wife was told that an unchaste girl was like an ice cream Sunday with a cockroach on it. Or like chewing a piece of used gum. All that goes into the idea that sex makes you "dirty". I don't like this idea that we should be ashamed of our body, it's just that our body is a gift to our spouse. So give it to him or her, and not someone who is going to not appreciate it.

Notice, she didn't say she wanted to have sex with other guys other than her husband. She just wished she had sex with him before marriage.

Honestly, though, I think people get a little TOO hyped up about sex on one's wedding night. Don't hype it up, its probably not going to be that great. I'd rather have a great marriage than a great wedding day.

To offer a balanced perspective, I have a friend who saved himself for marriage. He's still glad he waited, but it has definitely caused problems with his sex life afterward. You just can't have guilty sex feelings for your whole life and then expect to suddenly have it all be OK.

I personally think that Christianity is intrinsically sexually ackward. There's just no getting around it.

Also, in Orthodoxy virginity is the ultimate. Christ and his Mother were both virgins, and those who assert that there is something wrong, undeveloped, or half-human about virgins would do well to remember that!

Didn't St. Paul say "Food is for the stomach, and sexual immorality is for the body"? (Just Kidding)  ;D
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Offline JamesR

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Sex is intrinsically awkward.

Maybe this is off topic, but is it really? Serious question. I mean, I imagine if it weren't for all that Christianity stuff I could probably easily have sex and not feel awkward or affected by it really at all anymore than I am after eating or using the bathroom. I imagine if love is involved, then yeah, it could be awkward. But is say a "casual" encounter really awkward? (assuming such a thing exists). I get the hunch that society just makes sex awkward but what do I know? Hands don't teach you much.

Offline Theophania

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)
It's common knowledge that you secretly want to be born in early 17th century Russia.  As a serf or a royal, I know not.  Chances are serf.

Offline DeniseDenise

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

because its mostly male
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Offline Godspell

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o
Just as the thought of fire does not warm the body, so faith without love does not actualize the light of spiritual knowledge in the soul.

Just as the light of the sun attracts a healthy eye, so through love knowledge of God naturally draws to itself the pure intellect.

– St Maximos

Offline DeniseDenise

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o

Trust us when we say, our -secular- friends don't talk about sex and masturbation nearly as much as this forum does over time. A few weeks of being here does not reveal that -fun-....stick around and ye shall see
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Offline Theophania

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o

LOL, yeah that's totally what I was implying.
It's common knowledge that you secretly want to be born in early 17th century Russia.  As a serf or a royal, I know not.  Chances are serf.

Offline Godspell

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o

LOL, yeah that's totally what I was implying.

Maybe everyone here is just really comfortable with their sexuality.

I noticed their was a post to stop posting about homosexuality too.

Maybe they're just confused. Need clarification and such.
Just as the thought of fire does not warm the body, so faith without love does not actualize the light of spiritual knowledge in the soul.

Just as the light of the sun attracts a healthy eye, so through love knowledge of God naturally draws to itself the pure intellect.

– St Maximos

Offline biro

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

because its mostly male

This.
https://archiveofourown.org/users/Parakeetist/works Warning: stories have mature content.

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Offline Theophania

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o

LOL, yeah that's totally what I was implying.

Maybe everyone here is just really comfortable with their sexuality.

I noticed their was a post to stop posting about homosexuality too.

Maybe they're just confused. Need clarification and such.

Stick around long enough and you'll see it's basically the same people talking about their masturbatory habits all. the. time.
It's common knowledge that you secretly want to be born in early 17th century Russia.  As a serf or a royal, I know not.  Chances are serf.

Offline Godspell

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o

LOL, yeah that's totally what I was implying.

Maybe everyone here is just really comfortable with their sexuality.

I noticed their was a post to stop posting about homosexuality too.

Maybe they're just confused. Need clarification and such.

Stick around long enough and you'll see it's basically the same people talking about their masturbatory habits all. the. time.

Well, why do you keep asking them about it?  ::)
« Last Edit: August 15, 2014, 08:31:08 PM by Godspell »
Just as the thought of fire does not warm the body, so faith without love does not actualize the light of spiritual knowledge in the soul.

Just as the light of the sun attracts a healthy eye, so through love knowledge of God naturally draws to itself the pure intellect.

– St Maximos

Offline DeniseDenise

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o

LOL, yeah that's totally what I was implying.

Maybe everyone here is just really comfortable with their sexuality.

I noticed their was a post to stop posting about homosexuality too.

Maybe they're just confused. Need clarification and such.

Stick around long enough and you'll see it's basically the same people talking about their masturbatory habits all. the. time.

Well, maybe you should stop asking them about it, then.  ::)

again.....you do not know of what you are speaking.


this information is volunteered repeatedly.  NO one is asking...no one cares......
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Offline ialmisry

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o

Trust us when we say, our -secular- friends don't talk about sex and masturbation nearly as much as this forum does over time.
you new to the internet, besides this forum?
Question a friend, perhaps he did not do it; but if he did anything so that he may do it no more.
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Offline DeniseDenise

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o

Trust us when we say, our -secular- friends don't talk about sex and masturbation nearly as much as this forum does over time.
you new to the internet, besides this forum?

actually i meant real life people....even the least godly are honestly no where near as topically challenged as here

and no...I am not at al new to the internet.
All opinions expressed by myself are quite tragically my own, and not those of any other poster or wall hangings.

Offline Godspell

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o

LOL, yeah that's totally what I was implying.

Maybe everyone here is just really comfortable with their sexuality.

I noticed their was a post to stop posting about homosexuality too.

Maybe they're just confused. Need clarification and such.

Stick around long enough and you'll see it's basically the same people talking about their masturbatory habits all. the. time.

Well, maybe you should stop asking them about it, then.  ::)

again.....you do not know of what you are speaking.


this information is volunteered repeatedly.  NO one is asking...no one cares......

LOL, maybe the site should make a board only for masturbation issues, and then all four individuals can discuss it there.
Just as the thought of fire does not warm the body, so faith without love does not actualize the light of spiritual knowledge in the soul.

Just as the light of the sun attracts a healthy eye, so through love knowledge of God naturally draws to itself the pure intellect.

– St Maximos

Offline JamesR

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o

LOL, yeah that's totally what I was implying.

Maybe everyone here is just really comfortable with their sexuality.

I noticed their was a post to stop posting about homosexuality too.

Maybe they're just confused. Need clarification and such.

Stick around long enough and you'll see it's basically the same people talking about their masturbatory habits all. the. time.

You had to say "stick"...

Offline Godspell

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o

LOL, yeah that's totally what I was implying.

Maybe everyone here is just really comfortable with their sexuality.

I noticed their was a post to stop posting about homosexuality too.

Maybe they're just confused. Need clarification and such.

Stick around long enough and you'll see it's basically the same people talking about their masturbatory habits all. the. time.

You had to say "stick"...

James, you have problemz.
Just as the thought of fire does not warm the body, so faith without love does not actualize the light of spiritual knowledge in the soul.

Just as the light of the sun attracts a healthy eye, so through love knowledge of God naturally draws to itself the pure intellect.

– St Maximos

Offline vamrat

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

I ain't saying nothing on the former, and truth be told ain't gonna say nothing on the latter.
Das ist des Jägers Ehrenschild, daß er beschützt und hegt sein Wild, weidmännisch jagt, wie sich’s gehört, den Schöpfer im Geschöpfe ehrt.

Offline Punch

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)

Yeah! In society they really tone down all the sex stuff...  :o

Trust us when we say, our -secular- friends don't talk about sex and masturbation nearly as much as this forum does over time.
you new to the internet, besides this forum?

actually i meant real life people....even the least godly are honestly no where near as topically challenged as here

and no...I am not at al new to the internet.

Must not have a lot of male friends that are not closet homosexuals.  I have found that men talk and joke about sex quite frequently, particularly in the blue collar world.  I have also found that the more they talk, the less they are getting.  Women talk not so much.  But then again, that is why women have the upper hand in a lot of things.  For women, sex is nothing other than a way to get what they want.  For men, sex is what they want.
I would be happy to agree with you, but then both of us would be wrong.

Offline orthonorm

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I get the hunch that society just makes sex awkward but what do I know?

Sex doesn't exist outside society.


Offline LBK

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James, you have problemz.

You're learning, Grasshopper!  :laugh:
Am I posting? Or is it Schroedinger's Cat?

Offline Charles Martel

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"When I have sex with my husband, I make sure it’s because I have a sexual need and not because I feel I’m required to fulfill his desires."
So, he's just a tool to fulfill her sexual needs, and that is progress.  OK.

"Your sexuality is nobody’s business but yours." Only if your masturbating, and some would dispute even then.  You don't have to listen to them though.
Onanism is a sin.........

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/onanism

http://www.catholicculture.org/culture/library/view.cfm?recnum=2940

http://www.beginningcatholic.com/catholic-teaching-on-masturbation.html
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Offline Papist

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The most insane thing about this article is that she identified her virginity with her identity. She is missing the entire point. All Christians are called to chastity, but that takes different forms given one's state in life. When single it means celibacy, but when married it means sexual fidelity to one's spouse. She got the wrong message. It's not that sex is bad, but abuse of sex is.
"For, by its immensity, the divine substance surpasses every form that our intellect reaches. Thus we are unable to apprehend it by knowing what it is. Yet we are able to have some knowledge of it by knowing what it is not." - St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa contra gentiles, I, 14.

Offline orthonorm

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The most insane thing about this article is that she identified her virginity with her identity. She is missing the entire point. All Christians are called to chastity, but that takes different forms given one's state in life. When single it means celibacy, but when married it means sexual fidelity to one's spouse. She got the wrong message. It's not that sex is bad, but abuse of sex is.

Sex is bad. Christians have sex in public? I don't think the blinds are there just to protect prying eyes. Sex is shameful. The question isn't whether or not it is shameful to have sex but how to understand the origins of the shame and how to best enjoy the shame which accompanies sex.

Offline littlepilgrim64

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The most insane thing about this article is that she identified her virginity with her identity. She is missing the entire point. All Christians are called to chastity, but that takes different forms given one's state in life. When single it means celibacy, but when married it means sexual fidelity to one's spouse. She got the wrong message. It's not that sex is bad, but abuse of sex is.

+1

Offline Shlomlokh

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Why is this forum so obsessed with sex and masturbation?  ::)
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"I will pour out my prayer unto the Lord, and to Him will I proclaim my grief; for with evils my soul is filled, and my life unto hades hath drawn nigh, and like Jonah I will pray: From corruption raise me up, O God." -Ode VI, Irmos of the Supplicatory Canon to the Theotokos

Offline yeshuaisiam

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It's honestly as simple as following the gospel and the teachings.  Pledges and all that are .. whatever.  Following God's will is where it is at.

At matrimony, the two become one flesh.  Yes, it is very important.   There are so many biblical warnings about fornication/adultery.  Also so many writings of EO saints warning of it.   Along with that it is a commandment.

It's a touchy subject but fornication can affect people in their marriages.   I have a friend who suffers knowing that his wife was not exactly a virgin.  There is a purity in the giving of herself to him and only him.  I don't think he reacts in a jealous way, nor does it consume him, but he has expressed that it bothers him fwiw. 

Perhaps we should look at St. Joseph and consider what he thought of the Mary before his dream. 
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Offline PeterTheAleut

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It's honestly as simple as following the gospel and the teachings.  Pledges and all that are .. whatever.  Following God's will is where it is at.

At matrimony, the two become one flesh.  Yes, it is very important.   There are so many biblical warnings about fornication/adultery.  Also so many writings of EO saints warning of it.
It's easy to cite EO saints when they agree with you, isn't it, yesh? ;)
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