Author Topic: Confession for Everything - My life sucks  (Read 836 times)

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Offline Amatorus

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Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« on: July 16, 2014, 09:50:34 PM »
I have been absent from this forum for some time, and I have been thinking about writing this topic for some time. My mind is racing with thoughts and I don't even know where to start, I just ask that you read all of it but I am embarrassed and feel ashamed and hate myself.

I guess I'll start with what happened a couple of years ago. I am not sure on the details, but I started getting sores on my back. They would (and do) hurt and itch and all these nasty details. This might have come from pockets of MRSA or other bacteria I caught from my mother when she was hospitalized around that time. I think it contributes to my draining of energy and mild acne that I am always getting (I am 16.) That leads me to my most dreaded topic; my sloth.

I am so lazy, you have no idea. I was born in the morning, but I am not a morning person....correction: I LOVE the feeling and brightness of the morning, but I sleep late into the afternoon especially on this summer break unless I am forced to get up for something. I hate this. I want to get up full of energy by my own volition and work and relax and be cheery in the morning and get things done. I also suffer broken mild insomnia, these days I can't sleep until 3 or 4 AM.

I also am subject to my two most embarrassing sins: lust and gluttony. I am overweight and I binge on junk at night. I want to be lean and fit. I don't drink enough water or any drink at all for that matter but I love soda and sweets. I also admit to...masturbating. Almost every day since I was 12 or maybe before I have done it and the most I have gone in the past couple of years was a week or so. Now it's every day and I can't break the urge and it drains me and I feel horrible and I hate myself so much. I even try internet filters but my hands give in and I want to burn them off. I hate this.

And also I feel so lonely every day and I am a hopeless romantic, I want a girlfriend over the internet so badly (I'm too awkward for IRL relationship). My heart feels empty and I crave romance and happiness.

I don't know what to do. I just want energy and fulfillment and to create what I want. I procrastinate everything and I can't even watch shows or draw because I'm so lazy. I admit I have not even prayed in over two years I think (although yesterday I prayed to St. Expeditus and St. Rasso for help with stomach pains and procrastination). I want to be in connection with God. Please help me, it feels embarrasing to even ask for prayer....I'm so helpless and I feel like a loser. I even failed some subjects this year. I hate my life. Thank you for reading this.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2014, 10:06:04 PM by Amatorus »
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Offline Pravoslavbob

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2014, 09:53:17 PM »
Lord, have mercy.


If you have a priest you trust and relate well to, you already have a big head start on your struggle!  If you don't, sincerely ask God regularly from the bottom of your heart to help you find one: He will not let you down!

Here is my two cents worth of advice, I hope that at least some of it is relevant to you and that it helps: (And please remember, I am just a sinner like you, so what do I know.  I'm just some guy on the internet.  The main thing is to talk to you priest.)

Pray to the Lord to enter your life and for Him to heal you.

Please struggle to love yourself, and to accept God's love.  You are God's creation and made in the image and likeness of God, and He loves you more than if you were His only child.  This makes you worthy of love!  Hate the sins you do, but not yourself.  It's really tough being 16 and being in your situation.  Just keep begging God in humility to help you.  When you sin, just keep begging God to help you not to sin again.  This is not easy, it is spiritual warfare.  It is all too human to sin, but it can get much better through God's grace and your effort, believe me!  Keep struggling to let the Lord work change in your life: struggle to let him do it, and not you.  Ask your spiritual director about prayer, and ask the Holy Spirit to teach you how to pray.  Struggle to devote a few minutes to silent prayer and/or recited prayer of some kind  every day.  (But ask your spiritual director (priest) about how to go about doing this, this is really important!)   Drink a little Holy water every day.  Go to communion (and confession) as much as possible: this is really important too!  Get as much exercise as you can, and try to make it be in as natural a setting (forest, beach, riverbank, park, field etc.) as possible.  Give thanks to God for everything good in your life, even if it seems really phony at first.  Just keep being thankful.

You are in my unworthy prayers.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2014, 10:26:29 PM by Pravoslavbob »
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Offline LizaSymonenko

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2014, 10:00:16 PM »

You're not a loser.  You're a teenager with raging hormones.

May the Lord strengthen you and guide you.

Lord, have mercy!
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Offline SolEX01

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2014, 10:02:25 PM »
Lord have mercy.

Offline Porter ODoran

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2014, 10:04:53 PM »
Hey hey, you are sixteen! That age is a time full of these things for anybody. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

O Lord, have mercy on Amatorus, and, Most Holy Theotokos, save him.
One hides amid pornography, angry music, television that shows the worst of mankind, misanthropic politics, an internet populace led by all the passions: and then one asks, "Where is God?"


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Offline Antonis

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2014, 10:07:00 PM »
"Since my youth have many passions waged war against me, but, my Savior, nonetheless, do thou help me and save me."
As I dissipate, Christ precipitates.

Offline Amatorus

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2014, 10:08:06 PM »
Ehh, I'm sorry for this. It's wrong for me to come on for life advice haha. I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders though. I think I will try going to sleep early and give a proper prayer to Christ in thanks for everything. I'm going to turn my life around, but I wish I was not so subject to temptation.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2014, 10:08:24 PM by Amatorus »
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Offline Antonis

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2014, 10:13:46 PM »
Just remember that you will emerge from the temptation stronger. God has permitted it for a reason.
As I dissipate, Christ precipitates.

Offline Porter ODoran

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2014, 10:17:56 PM »
Work on showing love for God, work on showing love for others. Tell yourself you certainly don't need a girlfriend for a few years! Get off the internet (yeah, right, like I follow that advice myself ;) ).

I hope you sleep well.
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Offline CopticDeacon

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2014, 10:19:14 PM »
I turn 17 in a month. Dude, I know the struggle..
 I will briefly paraphrase something from "Unseen Warfare" :
The first step is to understand you can do nothing by your own will alone. Completely deny any thought of self reliance. Rely solely on your Savior. The man who relies on himself for his strength, experiences extreme sorrow and grief for his transgression, having hoped he could have avoided it this time. But the man who denies himself, and puts Complete Faith and trust in God, will not be so lost and despairing. He knows nothing good comes from himself because of his corruption. He ascribes the shame and sadness due for his sin, repents, and rejoices. Also, avoid any kind of extraordinary contact with the opposite sex. Talking excessively, suggestive looks, flirty conversations or physical contacts, if you have lustful struggles. Such things only plant evil seeds in your heart and mind.

Tip from my Father of confession: The moment you come to yourself after your sin, stand, pray, and cry to the Lord. No matter how hard it is, ask for forgiveness, strength and comfort. No matter how unworthy or lazy you feel, that is the crucial moment of prayer.

This has opened my eyes a lot and I hope it helps you.

Get some prostrations in daily, they wear you out.

Lord, have mercy.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2014, 10:20:56 PM by CopticDeacon »
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Offline Pravoslavbob

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2014, 10:22:14 PM »

You're not a loser.  You're a teenager with raging hormones.

May the Lord strengthen you and guide you.

Lord, have mercy!

I turn 17 in a month. Dude, I know the struggle..
 I will briefly paraphrase something from "Unseen Warfare" :
The first step is to understand you can do nothing by your own will alone. Completely deny any thought of self reliance. Rely solely on your Savior. The man who relies on himself for his strength, experiences extreme sorrow and grief for his transgression, having hoped he could have avoided it this time. But the man who denies himself, and puts Complete Faith and trust in God, will not be so lost and despairing. He knows nothing good comes from himself because of his corruption. He ascribes the shame and sadness due for his sin, repents, and rejoices. Also, avoid any kind of extraordinary contact with the opposite sex. Talking excessively, suggestive looks, flirty conversations or physical contacts, if you have lustful struggles. Such things only plant evil seeds in your heart and mind.

Tip from my Father of confession: The moment you come to yourself after your sin, stand, pray, and cry to the Lord. No matter how hard it is, ask for forgiveness, strength and comfort. No matter how unworthy or lazy you feel, that is the crucial moment of prayer.

This has opened my eyes a lot and I hope it helps you.

Get some prostrations in daily, they wear you out.

Lord, have mercy.

Hey hey, you are sixteen! That age is a time full of these things for anybody. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

O Lord, have mercy on Amatorus, and, Most Holy Theotokos, save him.

IMHO there's real wisdom in these words!
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Offline Maximum Bob

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #11 on: July 16, 2014, 11:22:28 PM »
Lord, have mercy on your servant Amatorus.
Psalm 37:23 The Lord guides a man safely in the way he should go.

Prov. 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #12 on: July 16, 2014, 11:42:38 PM »
Pray the Canon to the Most Holy Theotokos as she is quick to hear.

Know that I am praying for you too.

Lord have mercy.
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Offline GabrieltheCelt

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #13 on: July 16, 2014, 11:54:28 PM »
Like everyone else has advised: see your priest.  Have you talked to your doctor about these things?  There are a whole slew of things that came to mind when I read your post about your eating habits.  Binge eating anything late at night, let alone "junk" food, can contribute to poor health (overweight, lethargy, depression).  I think if you began to change a few things, you might begin to feel better.  Slowly wean yourself off of soda (or at least cut back).  Stop eating past 8 pm and try to eat only healthy food then.  Maybe try walking around the block a few times until you can do something more strenuous like join a gym or martial arts?  Also, when you do see your doctor, don't be ashamed to bring up depression.  I'm not suggesting you're clinically depressed, but it wouldn't hurt to bring it up.  The other stuff, such as lust, etc., will work itself out with prayer.  You're a teenager after all.

 Lord, have mercy!
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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #14 on: July 17, 2014, 12:11:58 AM »
Lord, have mercy.

I know many people here would suggest the counsel of a priest which is all well and good, but based on what I have read, I would seek out, in addition to a priest, a licensed therapist and maybe even a doctor.  A priest can do a lot of good, but with insomnia and some of the other symptoms you describe, you need to seek out professionals.

You say you are unhappy with how you look and unfit you are. I can relate.  that's been  a  struggle my whole life.  I go to the gym when I can which is a hard thing to do even with no entanglements.  If you can, find a gym that has personal trainers.  I know that can be expensive, but I'd be willing (and I'm sure a number of people here would be too) to help pony up the $ so that you can find a trainer and start getting to the gym on a regular basis (please PM me).  Once you establish a rhythm, you won't need a trainer anymore. YOu'll go regularly because you want to go and maybe even like to.  Find a buddy to go with so that  you can keep each other in check. You'll feel better and you will sleep better, too.  I still would seek out some professional help.  OK?
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Offline Amatorus

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #15 on: July 17, 2014, 12:13:49 AM »
Like everyone else has advised: see your priest.  Have you talked to your doctor about these things?  There are a whole slew of things that came to mind when I read your post about your eating habits.  Binge eating anything late at night, let alone "junk" food, can contribute to poor health (overweight, lethargy, depression).  I think if you began to change a few things, you might begin to feel better.  Slowly wean yourself off of soda (or at least cut back).  Stop eating past 8 pm and try to eat only healthy food then.  Maybe try walking around the block a few times until you can do something more strenuous like join a gym or martial arts?  Also, when you do see your doctor, don't be ashamed to bring up depression.  I'm not suggesting you're clinically depressed, but it wouldn't hurt to bring it up.  The other stuff, such as lust, etc., will work itself out with prayer.  You're a teenager after all.

 Lord, have mercy!

@everyone in this thread: Thank you so much for your thoughts. It means alot and I will pray for all of you.


Anyway, I have depression and anxiety disorder, as well as mild Asperger's Syndrome. I will try doing exercises in my home (I'm too anxious for a gym or anything heh). Will fasting help my health? Am I too young to fast? I heard it stunts your growth and whatever ypu eat afterwards turns into fat. If it had both religious and health benefit I would definitely do it. I am trying to drink more water as well.
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Offline Amatorus

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #16 on: July 17, 2014, 12:17:16 AM »
Lord, have mercy.

I know many people here would suggest the counsel of a priest which is all well and good, but based on what I have read, I would seek out, in addition to a priest, a licensed therapist and maybe even a doctor.  A priest can do a lot of good, but with insomnia and some of the other symptoms you describe, you need to seek out professionals.

You say you are unhappy with how you look and unfit you are. I can relate.  that's been  a  struggle my whole life.  I go to the gym when I can which is a hard thing to do even with no entanglements.  If you can, find a gym that has personal trainers.  I know that can be expensive, but I'd be willing (and I'm sure a number of people here would be too) to help pony up the $ so that you can find a trainer and start getting to the gym on a regular basis (please PM me).  Once you establish a rhythm, you won't need a trainer anymore. YOu'll go regularly because you want to go and maybe even like to.  Find a buddy to go with so that  you can keep each other in check. You'll feel better and you will sleep better, too.  I still would seek out some professional help.  OK?

Oh gosh, thank you so much but I don't need all that at all. I have seen my own thrapist at a private school and I might see a new one one day. It's not like I am obese or anything either, just a bit out of shape. I think I overreact. Anyway I am kind of introverted and it is summer break so I tgink I will just do sit-ups, push-ups, lift some things, and walk around the neighborhood along with a diet change.

Thank you so much for your kindness.
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Offline CopticDeacon

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #17 on: July 17, 2014, 12:22:21 AM »
Drinking lots of water is great, but be sure not to intake alot of sodium as well. It will cause you to retain all the water= water weight. Fasting usually starts (if not enforced by parents haha) around the teen years as this is when cradle orthodox believers start getting into everything. Smells, bells, books, and spirituality. Try Wednesday's and Friday's. You could abstain from meat and eat very little on those days.
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Offline Amatorus

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #18 on: July 17, 2014, 12:29:03 AM »
Drinking lots of water is great, but be sure not to intake alot of sodium as well. It will cause you to retain all the water= water weight. Fasting usually starts (if not enforced by parents haha) around the teen years as this is when cradle orthodox believers start getting into everything. Smells, bells, books, and spirituality. Try Wednesday's and Friday's. You could abstain from meat and eat very little on those days.

That sounds like a good idea, I think I will schedule that on my phone. :)

On a strange note, I have been having some odd long dreams featuring God and clergymen. One was about me panicking about something and crying running up into the arms of a (Catholic?) priest begging for forgiveness. The other one was one where I was killed in a Battle Royale-type scenario in a hotel but my soul stayed on Earth, so I kept trying to jump off buildings to "super-die" but I kept falling softly and God manifested as Morgan Freeman and said nice things to me. Okay I know the second is silly but that dream was scary.
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Offline hecma925

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #19 on: July 17, 2014, 02:46:11 AM »
Drinking lots of water is great, but be sure not to intake alot of sodium as well. It will cause you to retain all the water= water weight. Fasting usually starts (if not enforced by parents haha) around the teen years as this is when cradle orthodox believers start getting into everything. Smells, bells, books, and spirituality. Try Wednesday's and Friday's. You could abstain from meat and eat very little on those days.

That sounds like a good idea, I think I will schedule that on my phone. :)

On a strange note, I have been having some odd long dreams featuring God and clergymen. One was about me panicking about something and crying running up into the arms of a (Catholic?) priest begging for forgiveness. The other one was one where I was killed in a Battle Royale-type scenario in a hotel but my soul stayed on Earth, so I kept trying to jump off buildings to "super-die" but I kept falling softly and God manifested as Morgan Freeman and said nice things to me. Okay I know the second is silly but that dream was scary.

Lord, have mercy.

Prayers before sleep always ask God for peaceful and undisturbed rest. 

"It is better for us not to believe in dreams at all, because many have gone astray on their account. There are three kinds of dreams: those from God, those from our thoughts, and those from the enemy. If they are from God and we don’t believe them, God does not take offense, because we don’t believe them out of fear, lest we be led into deception. If I should come in the night and knock on your door, and you don’t open to me because you do not recognize my voice, I am not offended. So it is with God, He is not angry when out of fear of God we don’t believe dreams. Wine and vinegar have the same appearance. From the taste you understand the difference. If the dreams are from God, they bring calm; if they are from the enemy, they bring turmoil. Beware of deceptions. Better to protect ourselves and not believe anything outside of what our Church teaches."
 
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Offline Tikhon.of.Colorado

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #20 on: July 17, 2014, 03:33:03 AM »
You say you've tried internet filters, so I'm going to infer that you struggle with looking at pornography.  So many of us struggle with the same thing (I'm a little bit older than you.)

You should really try the k9 browser.  If you have it, set it to block porn AND proxy services, make the password something ridiculous that you won't remember, and find an accountability partner whose email you can put in place of your own (so you can't unlock the sites when you're feeling frisky.

Also, apply to the Fortify program.  People under 21 get free memberships.  It's helped me so much.  You'll learn why pornography/masturbation can be damaging, and there is a nifty calendar to track your falls and wins. 

http://www.fortifyprogram.org/

Offline marigold

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #21 on: July 17, 2014, 06:59:23 PM »
Lord, have mercy on Amatorus.

Offline Christos3

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #22 on: July 17, 2014, 07:47:33 PM »
As in the great movie "What about Bob?" you need to start taking baby steps in modifying your behavior. These steps should take you to your overall goal: A healthy (mind, body and spirit), active, contributing member of society/community.

Baby step one should be to focus. You can do that by reading prayers from your prayer book (morning, afternoon, evening)
Baby step 2 should be back away from the computer and start exercising.: walking ,biking, lifting weights, swimming. Something to burn off all that pent up energy.
Baby step 3: Get involved in youth activities at church or school. Who knows you might meet a real girl.

Don't be too hard on yourself. With daily changes you can turn into the person you want to be. I commend you for seeing your problems. Most kids your age are blaming society on their failures.

God Bless.

To keep focused just repeat the Jesus prayer all the time.

Offline Maria

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #23 on: July 25, 2014, 04:41:11 PM »
Lord have mercy.
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Offline ironchapman

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #24 on: July 29, 2014, 06:35:18 AM »
I can't add much to what has already been said here, but I do want to note something about temptations and decision making.

The part of the brain that governs judgment and inhibitions doesn't fully develop until the average person is about 25 (I suppose it could be said that we're still in puberty till then, hehe). I struggle with a variety of sins. Lust is among them. I turned 25 earlier this month. Sure enough, over the past year or so, I've found the "voice" inside telling me to back away (or run away, in some cases) from various temptations has gotten a lot stronger and more effective. It doesn't fix everything, but I've found strength, thank God, that I didn't know I had before.

What I mean by this is that, while sin is always wrong, you're still young. Struggle against and resist temptation as best you can and trust that God will make you wiser and stronger as you get older. And as always, develop a strong relationship with you spiritual father (and, I would add, with a community of faithful Orthodox Christians and even good non-Orthodox) to keep you accountable.
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Offline Georgii

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Re: Confession for Everything - My life sucks
« Reply #25 on: July 29, 2014, 09:18:19 AM »
Indeed lots of good advice here, especially about speaking with a priest; I'd just like to add that I'm 50, a husband and father, and I have every one of the problems you mentioned except for the sores, acne and lack of a girlfriend.

However, I think that saying the morning and evening prayers from my prayer book has changed me a lot. We do tend to get what we ask for.

About not hating life, the only way that that seems to work for me is to treat it as if it were not really my life. If you're anywhere near that at your age you'll be way ahead of me.
my garment accuses me, for it is not a wedding garment