Please pray for me. I don't know if anyone else experienced this as they were seeking Orthodoxy, but I'm now in a season where I am overwhelmed by everything. On one side my connections are still strong at my old church, socially (as I still attend my Presbyterian church on alternate weeks), but whenever I am among them now or sit in service I feel like a foreigner. Additionally, I feel as if I am being somewhat dishonest with them in attending there as I continue to seek Orthodoxy and, in reality, my beliefs are shifting away from theirs.
Conversely, when I go to DL I feel such a peace there. Not that I allow my mind to "check out" entirely (because I'm following along with the liturgy and participating as best I know how), but I stand there and pray that the Lord will open my heart to Him and experience all that is going on around me. . .sort of like riding a wave out in the ocean and allowing it to carry you where it will, as Father explained to me. I have a simple prayer rule and have been reading a lot and the more on Orthodoxy I read, the more I see how vast everything is, which overwhelms me. Also, it's like one day I feel the Lord makes something in Orthodoxy very clear to me (ex: asking saints to intercede for us) and I embrace it and another day (as, while in prayer, I ask a saint to intercede for me) my "Protestant self" chimes in that "praying to the dead" is evil, and I become highly anxious. I have backed off any reading for the past few days because I've been overwhelmed, though I continue in my prayer time. I even went to bed last night somewhat anxious and repeated the Jesus Prayer until I fell asleep.
I appreciate your prayers.
Lord have mercy.
Many years ago, I also struggled when I was converting as I felt like a hypocrite whenever I attended the RC Church. However, my priest told me that when the day came that I could no longer receive communion in the RCC, then I should ask to become a catechumen. That day approached sooner than we thought it would. Once I was received as a catechumen, then I no longer attended the RCC.
I will pray for you that you too will find peace.
Most Holy Theotokos, save us.
Oh, try to attend the Canon to the Most Holy Theotokos during the Fast of the Theotokos, from August 1 to August 14. It is so awesome.
"Assaults of temptations cause me distress,
Waves of despondency overwhelming my very soul.
O Maiden, restore to me that peace
That thy Son and our God gives, O blameless One."
Narthex Press, Canon of the Theotokos.