Author Topic: Trouble  (Read 19434 times)

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Offline ignatios

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Trouble
« on: April 15, 2014, 03:54:46 PM »
Please pray for me. I don't believe I can bear God's will for me, and the alternative is for me to be condemned. I am angry that I have been brought here. I cannot trust him when his will is my lifelong suffering. I am supposed to grovel like trash and be thankful for what I have while he destroys who I am and who I might be.

It's ironic to ask for prayers to the God of my death, but here I am, doing just that. I keep going each day in the weakest hope that something will come; I don't know what. I guess I just figure he has the resources. Or maybe there's a faint hope that he's different than he appears.

I can't live in this, but I cannot die on account of the consequences. I am just here, going through this day by day.

Offline vamrat

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2014, 04:46:10 PM »
I'll bet He is different than He appears to you.  I pray that He lists whatever afflicts you or at the very least gives you the strength to deal with it on your own.

But I would caution against blaming God for whatever it is you are facing.  It has a tendency to end up badly.
« Last Edit: April 15, 2014, 04:47:05 PM by vamrat »
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Offline SolEX01

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2014, 08:51:35 PM »
Lord have mercy.

Offline Maria

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2014, 09:02:14 PM »
Lord have mercy.

When we seem to have plenty of trouble, God is the only one who can help us.
Trust in God. Pray constantly. He will hear you if you persevere in faith, in trust, and in love.
Remember that we must become like little children.

Lord have mercy.
The memory of God should be treasured in our hearts like the precious pearl mentioned in the Holy Gospel. Our life's goal should be to nurture and contemplate God always within, and never let it depart, for this steadfastness will drive demons away from us. - Paraphrased from St. Philotheus of Sinai
Writings from the Philokalia: On Prayer of the Heart,
Translated from the Russian by E. Kadloubovksy and G.E.H. Palmer, Faber and Faber, London, Boston, 1992 printing.

Offline Ionnis

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2014, 09:10:04 PM »
Praying for you Ignatios.  If you need to talk, don't hesitate to send me a private message.
"If you cannot find Christ in the beggar at the church door, you will not find Him in the chalice.”  -The Divine John Chrysostom

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Offline marigold

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2014, 10:24:46 PM »
Lord, have mercy on ignatios.

Offline Maximum Bob

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2014, 11:35:26 PM »
Lord, have mercy on your child, ignatios.
Psalm 37:23 The Lord guides a man safely in the way he should go.

Prov. 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

Offline militantsparrow

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2014, 12:43:45 AM »
Lord have mercy.
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Offline Gebre Menfes Kidus

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2014, 12:52:12 AM »
"Lord have mercy" +++


Selam
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Offline Antonious Nikolas

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #9 on: April 16, 2014, 08:26:26 AM »
Lord have mercy.  You'll be in my prayers, Ignatios.  It's times like this - when our problems seem insurmountable - that we learn that only God can save us and learn to depend upon His mercy.  Control is an illusion.  Our strength and cleverness cannot save us, only He can.  May He grant you His comfort, peace, mercy, and strength.  Read the Psalms.  There's much comfort in them.  Pray and beg Him fervently, and never forget His Holy Mother and His saints.


"Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
    or discipline me in your wrath.

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
    heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.

My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?

Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
    save me because of your unfailing love.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2014, 08:27:18 AM by Antonious Nikolas »
I'm with the camp of 13 million Americans that believe politicians are, or are controlled by, Reptilians. I think only monks can solve this problem. It doesn't seem right that they prefer to ignore it.

Offline ignatios

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #10 on: April 16, 2014, 04:55:00 PM »
Thank you all so much for your prayers.

Things don't look to get much better any time soon, but knowing of your prayers helps because I have nobody to turn to and my priest is busy this week for the services.

It's hard to go to the services when I feel like God is crushing me in his fist, but I'm going to Holy Unction tonight, and hopefully I can stand it. I am thankfully able to utter a few "lord have mercies" throughout the day, but it brings me to tears. Please keep praying, even if you just see this thread title when you refresh, please say "lord have mercy".

Offline Ansgar

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2014, 05:09:55 PM »
There isn't anything we can do to help?
Do not be cast down over the struggle - the Lord loves a brave warrior. The Lord loves the soul that is valiant.

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Offline Hawkeye

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #12 on: April 16, 2014, 05:11:29 PM »
Lord have mercy!
"Take heed, you who listen to me: Our misfortune is inevitable, we cannot escape it. If God allows scandals, it is that the elect shall be revealed. Let them be burned, let them be purified, let them who have been tried be made manifest among you."   - The Life of the Archpriest Avvakum by Himself

Offline Maximum Bob

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #13 on: April 16, 2014, 05:32:46 PM »
Continued prayers. Lord, have mercy.
Psalm 37:23 The Lord guides a man safely in the way he should go.

Prov. 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

Offline Antonious Nikolas

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #14 on: April 16, 2014, 06:42:46 PM »
Thank you all so much for your prayers.

Things don't look to get much better any time soon, but knowing of your prayers helps because I have nobody to turn to and my priest is busy this week for the services.

It's hard to go to the services when I feel like God is crushing me in his fist, but I'm going to Holy Unction tonight, and hopefully I can stand it. I am thankfully able to utter a few "lord have mercies" throughout the day, but it brings me to tears. Please keep praying, even if you just see this thread title when you refresh, please say "lord have mercy".

I can assure you I will and have been praying for you throughout the day.  I'd appreciate your praying for my weakness as well.  Consider this: Our merciful Lord isn't crushing you in His fist, but rather "the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son" (Hebrews 1:26) and "because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in" (Proverbs 3:12).

Ask Him, "Lord, what do you want me to learn from this?  How can this draw me closer to you?"

Please pray Psalm 50 ("The bones which Thou hast broken shall rejoice...") and this prayer:

Quote
O God, our help and assistance, who art just and merciful, and who hears the supplications of Your people; look down upon me. a miserable sinner, have mercy upon me, and deliver me from this trouble that besets me, for which, I know, I am deservedly suffering. I acknowledge and believe, O Lord, that all trials of this life are given by You for our chastisement, when we drift away from You and disobey Your commandments; deal not with me after my sins, but according to Your bountiful mercies, for I am the work of Your hands, and You know my weakness. Grant me, I beseech You, Your divine helping grace, and endow me with patience and strength to endure my tribulations with complete submission to Your Will. You know my misery and suffering and to You, my only hope and refuge, I flee for relief and comfort; trusting to Your infinite love and compassion, that in due time, when You know best, You will deliver me from this trouble, and turn my distress into comfort, when I shall rejoice in Your mercy, and exalt and praise Your Holy Name, O Father, Son, and Holy Spirit: now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.

And the Prayer of the Heart continually, as much as you can.

It's good you're going to the Holy Unction tonight.  Don't worry.  God will bring you through this, and I promise I'll be praying for you every day.
I'm with the camp of 13 million Americans that believe politicians are, or are controlled by, Reptilians. I think only monks can solve this problem. It doesn't seem right that they prefer to ignore it.

Offline Anastasia1

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #15 on: April 16, 2014, 08:05:07 PM »
Lord have mercy.
Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation. (2 Cor 2:6)

Offline Maria

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #16 on: May 28, 2014, 09:07:23 PM »
Lord have mercy.

Any updates?
The memory of God should be treasured in our hearts like the precious pearl mentioned in the Holy Gospel. Our life's goal should be to nurture and contemplate God always within, and never let it depart, for this steadfastness will drive demons away from us. - Paraphrased from St. Philotheus of Sinai
Writings from the Philokalia: On Prayer of the Heart,
Translated from the Russian by E. Kadloubovksy and G.E.H. Palmer, Faber and Faber, London, Boston, 1992 printing.

Offline ignatios

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #17 on: June 01, 2014, 04:13:32 AM »
Thank you again for your prayers. Things have not gotten better, to my knowledge. I have suffered from depression since I was a child, with certain years being more extreme than others, and with attendant memory problems and persistent cognitive "fog" that inhibits relationships and activities. I am married, but would rather not be. I would also rather not be alive. These are separate concerns with separate motivations. The first is a problem, because although my depression and other difficulties are contributing to the dissolution of my marriage, its dissolution would require me to be celibate for the rest of my life, even though my dream is to be in a marriage that I actually chose without being manipulated. Second, I don't know if I have the capacity to love someone in the way I want to, because I am so incapacitated by my depression.  I am basically disabled and mentally degenerating as time passes. I am frustrated with God because I am supposed to simply be thankful for what I have, because I deserve nothing. I have to continue eating the trash shoveled for me because I am trash. So many saints had it worse, so I should just be thankful I have anything. I am bitter at where others have led me and how they have had the ability to do that to me, and that I am now obligated to fulfill their wishes. I am at the point where I am fine with being the sinner. I am broken, not by repentance, but by the knowledge that I must die for my sins, and I cannot deny who I am.

You can revile or dismiss me as selfish, weak, or an idiot. I know there are plenty of people that don't think depression even exists or it's nothing but a choice. Because of that I am that much more alone, but I can pass beyond that. I guess I posted here hoping some prayer would help. Maybe something will still happen. I don't want to live, but I don't want to give up hope. I just don't see a way out right now.

Offline biro

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #18 on: June 01, 2014, 06:12:37 AM »
Lord have mercy.

Most Holy Theotokos, pray for us.
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Offline Antonious Nikolas

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #19 on: June 01, 2014, 09:44:55 AM »
I don't usually log on before Liturgy, but I'm glad I did today.  I'll be praying for you today in Church.  Hang in there.  God be with you.
I'm with the camp of 13 million Americans that believe politicians are, or are controlled by, Reptilians. I think only monks can solve this problem. It doesn't seem right that they prefer to ignore it.

Offline LenInSebastopol

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #20 on: June 01, 2014, 09:52:29 AM »
Ignatos, if you are on meds, see your MD to adjust. If not, then go and find a medical doctor. If you had a broken arm you would see a doc, so ......meanwhile today I will pray for you to do that.
Seems you wish to "blame" yourself for this condition, as if you had a broken bone and it is your "fault". It could be but not necessarily so. Being depressed and living with it since childhood can be realigned in light of knowing we live in a fallen world and this is a condition which one finds themselves, with some times being worse than others.
This "suppose to be thankful" to God and "saints had it worse, so I SHOULD just be thankful" is not quite right. The "suppose" to game is infinitely regressive to nothing-ness and one can find despondency for "supposing" since perfection and fulfillment will only be found in Heaven. Let saints be saints and you nor I are one, so why compare us to them? Such a condition often leads to anger and could be dealt with in the Mystery of Confession.
As to your desiring to love the way you want to, none but The Man could, no, not one. We are as inch worms...all that struggle, all that movement, all that stuff and we move barely an inch. IOW, you are not alone in this as the whole world joins you, except you see it and find poverty probably due to your depression.
It is the marriage issue that is rather troubling. If your spouse does not wish to be married, truly wants out without reconciliation or repentance to what is being suffered now, then you must do what you do not wish: remain celibate. In my advanced years celibacy is of little significance and easier for me to write so. Is she Orthodox? It may be the case you feel "manipulated" DUE to your current mentation; marriage is a "manipulative" thing in that we adjust to the other person daily, if not moment by moment. I am saying you may not see it clearly and feel manipulated, again, due to your current state. Hard to determine from this side of a simple forum.
Having found myself, years ago, in a similar state as you, this is some of what I learned. Depression is like a sock turned inside out, reach in, turn it right side out and joy will be there. If I were with you, after spending several hours over several days, weeks and months, at one point I would slap you so hard as to knock the snot out of you, pick you up and we would start all over again. Works for some, and maybe for you too.
Finding an excellent confessor will help tremendously and for that I pray today, Ignatos.
Lord have MERCY and forgive me.
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Offline Maximum Bob

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #21 on: June 01, 2014, 12:10:52 PM »
Continued prayers. Lord, have mercy.
Psalm 37:23 The Lord guides a man safely in the way he should go.

Prov. 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

Offline militantsparrow

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #22 on: June 01, 2014, 12:20:13 PM »
I feel I can relate to some degree with what you're going through. I know it is very difficult. I pray that you may be lifted up.

Lord have mercy.
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Offline Maria

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #23 on: June 01, 2014, 01:01:32 PM »
Do not give up hope. Listen to Ancient Faith Radio chant. Prayer will lift up your spirit.

Know that I am praying for you.
The memory of God should be treasured in our hearts like the precious pearl mentioned in the Holy Gospel. Our life's goal should be to nurture and contemplate God always within, and never let it depart, for this steadfastness will drive demons away from us. - Paraphrased from St. Philotheus of Sinai
Writings from the Philokalia: On Prayer of the Heart,
Translated from the Russian by E. Kadloubovksy and G.E.H. Palmer, Faber and Faber, London, Boston, 1992 printing.

Offline Phoenix73

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #24 on: June 06, 2014, 09:28:59 AM »
Lord have mercy

Offline ignatios

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #25 on: June 06, 2014, 10:02:43 PM »
Thanks again, everyone, for your prayers. I'm going to go ahead and spill what is troubling me specifically, because although it's probably just a statement of how pathetic and wicked I am, it's there and it hasn't gone away for years.

Ignatos, if you are on meds, see your MD to adjust. If not, then go and find a medical doctor. If you had a broken arm you would see a doc, so ......meanwhile today I will pray for you to do that.
Seems you wish to "blame" yourself for this condition, as if you had a broken bone and it is your "fault". It could be but not necessarily so. Being depressed and living with it since childhood can be realigned in light of knowing we live in a fallen world and this is a condition which one finds themselves, with some times being worse than others.
This "suppose to be thankful" to God and "saints had it worse, so I SHOULD just be thankful" is not quite right. The "suppose" to game is infinitely regressive to nothing-ness and one can find despondency for "supposing" since perfection and fulfillment will only be found in Heaven. Let saints be saints and you nor I are one, so why compare us to them? Such a condition often leads to anger and could be dealt with in the Mystery of Confession.
As to your desiring to love the way you want to, none but The Man could, no, not one. We are as inch worms...all that struggle, all that movement, all that stuff and we move barely an inch. IOW, you are not alone in this as the whole world joins you, except you see it and find poverty probably due to your depression.
It is the marriage issue that is rather troubling. If your spouse does not wish to be married, truly wants out without reconciliation or repentance to what is being suffered now, then you must do what you do not wish: remain celibate. In my advanced years celibacy is of little significance and easier for me to write so. Is she Orthodox? It may be the case you feel "manipulated" DUE to your current mentation; marriage is a "manipulative" thing in that we adjust to the other person daily, if not moment by moment. I am saying you may not see it clearly and feel manipulated, again, due to your current state. Hard to determine from this side of a simple forum.
Having found myself, years ago, in a similar state as you, this is some of what I learned. Depression is like a sock turned inside out, reach in, turn it right side out and joy will be there. If I were with you, after spending several hours over several days, weeks and months, at one point I would slap you so hard as to knock the snot out of you, pick you up and we would start all over again. Works for some, and maybe for you too.
Finding an excellent confessor will help tremendously and for that I pray today, Ignatos.
Lord have MERCY and forgive me.

I'm not currently on meds because the last few times I've tried them, the effects have been terrible. I recently came off a cocktail which put me into suicidal mania, so I've been off them for a couple months now.

The greater part of my problem is that I'm realizing that I'm living a life that I hate. I don't think any of my decisions has ever been the right one, but the worst of them was definitely to get married a few years ago. The gist of it is that I've been in a mental fog for my whole life, and when I met the woman who is now my wife, I was so alone that I simply couldn't believe anyone was interested in me. The whole time I remember having this gut feeling that it wasn't right to be involved with her, but I let her lead me, even constantly nag and pressure me, the whole way into marriage. I literally buckled under the weight of her pressure to marry her. Only recently have I tried to finally get help for my depression through therapy and medication, and now that I feel like I'm somewhat waking up, I realize that I'm married to a stranger. I've read plenty of websites about "not being attracted to my spouse anymore", but that's not the issue. I've never known her, never been attracted to her, and never loved her as a wife. She has used me to get what she wants, and now she's having trouble because she isn't getting what she wants (after several years, I don't want to start a family). I have spent our entire marriage in a depressed fog at the mercy of her direction and with no personality or personhood of my own.

The perspective I have now is that of despair, because of what I've learned. I've learned that I need to "man up" and "take responsibility for my actions", that even though I don't think I was mentally capable of making the decision to get married, because I was immature and was married with no capable oversight whatsoever (by a crazy pastor we didn't even know), I still need to honor the sacrament of marriage. Who cares if I was used and didn't have the willpower to say "no" at the time; it's binding forever.

Maybe I'm a scumbag, or selfish, or whatever. I want to be with someone that I CHOSE of my own free will. I'm angry at God for letting this happen in his providence and then commanding me to stay in this marriage. I can't leave, because I have no support system and God will condemn me. I have absolutely only one way out, because I am surrounded by people whose support of me is entirely conditional (they're all part of the Orthodox Church). I have nobody. I have no choice but to submit and suffer, but I will not. I have spent these years almost completely unaware of the time passing because my mind couldn't understand it. I can't believe it's been so long, that I'm just now becoming aware of this nightmare. I guess this forum gets plenty of people asking for prayers on the receiving end of a spouse who doesn't want to be married anymore. I might as well be the odd one out.

Offline PorphyriosK

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #26 on: June 06, 2014, 10:30:41 PM »
Lord, have mercy and pity upon Thy servant Ignatios.  Lord, have mercy.

Offline WPM

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #27 on: June 06, 2014, 10:41:41 PM »
I'm here.

« Last Edit: June 06, 2014, 10:42:34 PM by WPM »
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Offline Justin Kolodziej

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #28 on: June 06, 2014, 10:46:59 PM »
lord have mercy, lord have mercy, lord have mercy
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Offline LizaSymonenko

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #29 on: June 06, 2014, 11:35:04 PM »

May the Lord be merciful upon you, and grant you peace and happiness.

Why is your Orthodox family's support "conditional"?  It shouldn't be.

Praying.
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Offline ignatios

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #30 on: June 07, 2014, 01:00:02 AM »
Shortly after I posted my last message a few hours ago, my wife unexpectedly talked with me and said she doesn't want to continue being married. Thanks for continued prayers.


May the Lord be merciful upon you, and grant you peace and happiness.

Why is your Orthodox family's support "conditional"?  It shouldn't be.

Praying.

Because my wife will likely keep our friends and, unfortunately, has said she'd tell everyone how awful I really am. Thanks for your prayers.

Offline therovingmethodist

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #31 on: June 07, 2014, 01:12:10 AM »
Lord, have mercy!
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Offline biro

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #32 on: June 07, 2014, 07:06:09 AM »
Lord have mercy.
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Offline Maximum Bob

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #33 on: June 08, 2014, 06:23:51 PM »
Lord have mercy. If you came off your meds on your own, see your doctor meds can be adjusted, meds can be changed. Medication is not a one size fits all proposition, your doctor has to tailor them specifically to you but can only do so if you tell him/her what's happening and work with them.
Psalm 37:23 The Lord guides a man safely in the way he should go.

Prov. 3: 5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

Offline Papist

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #34 on: June 09, 2014, 03:41:15 PM »
Lord, have mercy.
"For, by its immensity, the divine substance surpasses every form that our intellect reaches. Thus we are unable to apprehend it by knowing what it is. Yet we are able to have some knowledge of it by knowing what it is not." - St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa contra gentiles, I, 14.

Offline elephant

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #35 on: June 09, 2014, 04:59:15 PM »
Lord Have Mercy Lord Have Mercy Lord Have Mercy
Most Holy Theotokos Save Us
Saint Nektarios Pray For Us

Please see your doctor.  And your priest. 

Love, elephant

Offline littlepilgrim64

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #36 on: June 11, 2014, 09:46:28 AM »
Lord have mercy! 

May He bring peace and comfort to you during this time of suffering and trial. Know He is ever with you and that in His time your burdens will be lifted.  Times of hardship (to a point where we feel we can't go on anymore) will come in this life, but they drive us to the Lord all the more. May your priest be a source of good counsel to you as well.  Praying for you.

Offline Gayle

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Re: Trouble
« Reply #37 on: June 11, 2014, 11:16:04 PM »
YOU are Not made in the image of hate or badness, you are made in the image of God,goodness, love.I know how depression can be.Don't give up on the meds,or the doctors and mostly do not give up on yourself. GOD IS LOVE.   Praying