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Author Topic: True children's version of the Bible  (Read 1417 times) Average Rating: 0
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Orthodoc
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Those who ignore history tend to repeat it.


« on: January 31, 2003, 11:42:29 AM »


Thought I'd inject a little humor.  These are true childrens comments regarding the Bible.

Orthodoc

=====

The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have
not been retouched or
corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the
animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they
had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led stray by a
Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua
led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told
his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He
fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived,
they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one
to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man
doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and
managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the opossum was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


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Grant victory to the Orthodox Christians over their adversaries.
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Amadeus
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I'm a llama!


« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2003, 12:41:55 PM »

Dear Orthodoc:


In my almost 50 years as a self-proclaimed jokester, I have not seen, read, nor heard of a better set of hilarious commentaries of and by kids such as this one! Grin

Where do you dig up these gems?

(BTW, my wife and I, together with our daughter, drove all the way from Chicago to Philadelphia last July to attend the Silver Jubilee celebrations of her class at the "Marriott.")


AmdG
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SamB
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Crates of araq for sale! *hic*


« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2003, 01:13:18 PM »

Very prolific kids if they can already employ words like "enunciated".

In IC XC
Samer
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Orthodoc
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Those who ignore history tend to repeat it.


« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2003, 02:34:06 PM »

[Very prolific kids if they can already employ words like "enunciated".]

Depends on the age range of these kids.  Considering the answers given on some of their SAT questions, the particular answer you refer to was probably a teenager which can very well have used the word "enunciated".

Orthodoc

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Oh Lord, Save thy people and bless thine inheritance.
Grant victory to the Orthodox Christians over their adversaries.
And by virtue of thy Cross preserve thy habitation.
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