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Author Topic: Relationalships  (Read 2516 times) Average Rating: 0
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ZealousZeal
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« Reply #45 on: January 07, 2014, 11:44:32 AM »

I doubt that sharing her FB profile so that a bunch of Internet strangers can gawk at her and now know her full name is going to be appreciated. I feel bad that it was posted in response to me, but I honestly wasn't saying "I wonder" expecting an answer.
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« Reply #46 on: January 07, 2014, 11:48:16 AM »

I am wondering how soon it will be before this young lady realizes that James posted her profile and how soon after that will we find out that he no longer needs a vasectomy because he has been castrated.
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« Reply #47 on: January 07, 2014, 01:24:54 PM »

I am wondering how soon it will be before this young lady realizes that James posted her profile and how soon after that will we find out that he no longer needs a vasectomy because he has been castrated.

Hmmm, message her on Facebook and let's see what happens.
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« Reply #48 on: January 07, 2014, 02:48:15 PM »

I am wondering how soon it will be before this young lady realizes that James posted her profile and how soon after that will we find out that he no longer needs a vasectomy because he has been castrated.

That would surely solve at least another of his problems.  Cheesy
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« Reply #49 on: January 07, 2014, 04:13:44 PM »

If you're asking how does one know -- in the very earliest stages of a relationship -- if someone is 'the one', then I would have to say that if someone is 'the one', then you *might* know it the first time you see the person in person. It might be a flash of recognition, of 'coming home', so to speak. But that 'flash' is just the beginning; the rest of journey would (probably) require transcending one's 'normal' selfish tendencies that would inevitably re-assert themselves eventually.

Agreed. I blush to admit that I saw my future husband "across a crowded room" (okay, it was a college bar) and told my friends that I had met the man I was going to marry. I had nothing on which to base this, except how he looked (very attractive, I thought!) and that he listened to me seriously and attentively.
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« Reply #50 on: January 07, 2014, 04:59:59 PM »

If you're asking how does one know -- in the very earliest stages of a relationship -- if someone is 'the one', then I would have to say that if someone is 'the one', then you *might* know it the first time you see the person in person. It might be a flash of recognition, of 'coming home', so to speak. But that 'flash' is just the beginning; the rest of journey would (probably) require transcending one's 'normal' selfish tendencies that would inevitably re-assert themselves eventually.

Agreed. I blush to admit that I saw my future husband "across a crowded room" (okay, it was a college bar) and told my friends that I had met the man I was going to marry. I had nothing on which to base this, except how he looked (very attractive, I thought!) and that he listened to me seriously and attentively.

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cracking a chest open and spilling their soul out for the world to see. It turns a person inside out, and there’s no going back from it. Once the thunderbolt hits, your life is
irrevocably changed.”


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« Reply #51 on: January 07, 2014, 05:16:52 PM »

I could write a book on how to screw relationships up, or how to run away when the going gets crappy.  As for making one work, I plan on writing that book right before I die, supposing I have enough data collected by that point.
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« Reply #52 on: January 07, 2014, 05:20:54 PM »

“Colpo di fulmine. The thunderbolt, as Italians call it. When love strikes someone like lightning, so powerful and intense it can’t be denied. It’s beautiful and messy,
cracking a chest open and spilling their soul out for the world to see. It turns a person inside out, and there’s no going back from it. Once the thunderbolt hits, your life is
irrevocably changed.”


― J.M. Darhower, Sempre


Ain't that the truth!  Wink
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« Reply #53 on: January 07, 2014, 05:21:42 PM »

I could write a book on how to screw relationships up, or how to run away when the going gets crappy.  As for making one work, I plan on writing that book right before I die, supposing I have enough data collected by that point.

One doesn't need a whole book on the first subject.  A sentence or two, or at the most  a short paragraph would be more than enough. Grin
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« Reply #54 on: January 07, 2014, 10:36:49 PM »

You two make me sad  Sad

Do not lose hope! There is no cure, but we may yet receive helpful treatments  Cool
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« Reply #55 on: January 07, 2014, 11:49:14 PM »

I think the problem in relationships is that everyone thinks they are entitled to something, when in reality, they are all disposable. Every man can be replaced with a wealthier, more desirable man and every woman can be replaced with a younger, more attractive woman. Humble thyself; you aren't worth crud. Once this is realized, then the relationship can go somewhere. When two people finally realize how desperate and disposable they really are, given that there is always someone better than them available somewhere else, then I imagine that there would be less pickiness, more humility, and a genuine desire to please each other.
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« Reply #56 on: January 08, 2014, 12:03:57 AM »

Sometimes James says outrageously stupid things.  Sometimes he says some really brilliant things, and sometimes he says things that I can't figure out which one of the two it is.
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« Reply #57 on: January 08, 2014, 12:51:46 AM »

Sometimes James says outrageously stupid things.  Sometimes he says some really brilliant things, and sometimes he says things that I can't figure out which one of the two it is.

Honestly, with this one, I'm thinking the first with an outer wrapping of the third.
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« Reply #58 on: January 08, 2014, 01:27:21 AM »

I could write a book on how to screw relationships up, or how to run away when the going gets crappy.  As for making one work, I plan on writing that book right before I die, supposing I have enough data collected by that point.

Oh, please don't wait that long. Start writing now. It would be a good alternative to Nicholas Sparks' "white people almost kissing" genre. Please, make it stop.
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« Reply #59 on: January 08, 2014, 01:30:00 AM »

While in a relationship with a significant other, what would make you think it'll work out long term
Love

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and what would make you think it wouldn't work out long term?
Hate

What are those?

Well, love is an encochrine response according to one movie I've since forgotten. And hate is a corruption of love.
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« Reply #60 on: January 08, 2014, 01:32:00 AM »

While in a relationship with a significant other, what would make you think it'll work out long term
Love

Quote
and what would make you think it wouldn't work out long term?
Hate

What are those?
Love: the willingness to give, to sacrifice, one's life (time, energy, actions)  for the beloved.

Hate: the inability to love

In many cases, hate is not the inability to love, but actually has a lot to do with love itself. It could be unwillingness to give, to sacrifice, to put the other first--or it could be a reaction to the other in some way. In many ways, indifference is more "hateful."
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« Reply #61 on: January 08, 2014, 01:34:52 AM »

What the dickens is a "significant other"? This has to be the most ludicrous 'label' or euphemism I've come across in while.

Current love interest
special friend
prospective life partner

There have got to be other ludicrous terms.
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« Reply #62 on: January 08, 2014, 01:37:15 AM »

On top of her physical beauty and extremely glamorous nature (she spends hours doing her makeup, very creative),

This should be a red flag for you.

Why? I like a glamorous woman. She's rather cultured, always dressing formal, eating seafood, spent a semester as an exchange student in Japan.

If you like a glamorous woman, you may as well like paying for her upkeep, too.
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« Reply #63 on: January 08, 2014, 01:38:39 AM »

While in a relationship with a significant other, what would make you think it'll work out long term


That she would date me.

Quote
and what would make you think it wouldn't work out long term?

That should would date me.

Hahahahaha.
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« Reply #64 on: January 08, 2014, 01:39:42 AM »

If the two truly like each other, it would probably help to determine their common goal and commit to it, instead of sort of expecting things to just work.

Common goal? That sounds too logical for something that involves feelings and Byzantine intrigue.
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« Reply #65 on: January 08, 2014, 02:54:44 AM »

If a girl says verbatim she's looking for someone that would help her grow as a person and has life goals, what do you think, is it safe to assume she's an idiot on a certain level? I mean she almost speaks like a hr employee
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« Reply #66 on: January 08, 2014, 02:59:24 AM »

I think it'd be safe to assume that she uses different terminology than you.
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« Reply #67 on: January 08, 2014, 03:02:52 AM »

Well anyways fir me that terminology is a turnoff
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« Reply #68 on: January 08, 2014, 03:11:56 AM »

If the two truly like each other, it would probably help to determine their common goal and commit to it, instead of sort of expecting things to just work.

Common goal? That sounds too logical for something that involves feelings and Byzantine intrigue.

Even feelings need to be defined by logical language, just like you have to name the sin before you can repent of it. I agree, it's a bit too logical, an inferior step, but the absence of it will lead to a rather abstract experience even in the wonderful world of feelings.
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« Reply #69 on: January 08, 2014, 03:27:44 AM »

Well anyways fir me that terminology is a turnoff

Yeah, I guess it would be for me as well. Then again I use terms like "I really dig [such and such music]" or whatever else, which I'm sure would make some roll their eyes at me.  Cool
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« Reply #70 on: January 08, 2014, 04:09:53 AM »

Conversation and comfort around each other; no need to put on a false facade and just a natural spark between us.

Clingy, thinks she's a queen, behaves like my mother, wants a huge amount of children.

First part I agree with. I think we need to look at this simply, not in fancy words like we are giving a sermon. It's one of my faults. Really, simplicity and brevity are wiser than eloquence. I think the first sign of a good relationship is the conversation and comfort comes easily. You find the person agreeable to your own personality. You find their words comforting and their company joyful.

The second part I am afraid I agree with, too, but I know it's my cynical "Shakespearian" view of women speaking. I think there is truth to the this sadly, but we do not have to be cynical like I find myself being so often. Women are the way they are. I think we have to understand that each gender has its nature. I'd like to say more but brevity and simplicity is something to work on. Women today especially because of feminism tend to think they are queens and can because of the natural weakness of their feminine nature become clingy, I suppose. But if a woman is really clingy that is an excess of her nature and a fault. It is one thing for a woman to be so gentle that she relies on her man, but a truly humble woman has a real fortitude that does not require her to be clingy. A real woman can be sweet and dependent on her man but not clingy. And she can be strong without being a "queen". The golden mean....It's hard.

But to get back to speaking in simple terms without vanity: I want a woman first of all I find physically attractive and her personality so. I want as the relationship gets deeper not just to "feel" love, but for it to be the nature of our relationship. Her conversation is joy. Her company is joy and it's something better than I have had with any other woman. I think love like that cannot be explained but we have to try.
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« Reply #71 on: January 08, 2014, 04:28:02 AM »

Is this thread supposed to be what you want in a relationship, or what you think will make a relationship work? They're not the same thing. I mean, I would love to meet a lady who wants to watch Louie CK and Mike Birbiglia comedy specials with me, but I don't think that's necessarily the key to a lasting relationship... (can't hurt, though!)
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« Reply #72 on: January 08, 2014, 04:43:16 AM »

I knew this one Asian girl named Naomi since 7th grade. Was absolutely perfect now that I think about it. On top of her physical beauty and extremely glamorous nature (she spends hours doing her makeup, very creative), she hated children just like me and didn't want any, was crazy obsessed with education, not like these traditional girls who want to trap you with children, we had a perfect spark between each other where we could literally spend hours upon hours every day just talking to each other and hanging out, laughing. Similar senses of humor, common values, perfect conversation etc. In retrospect, now that I think about it, she's one of the few females I really trust. She was quite the sophisticated character as well, being that she's an orphan from China that was adopted by a Japanese-American Protestant pastor who was actually my father's co-worker for a few years (which is how I met Naomi). We both know what it's like to experience pain.

Only problem was, her father absolutely hates me because him and my father had some workplace quarrels a few years back that haven't been resolved. I don't know if it's an Asian culture thing or something, but the girl Naomi won't date me because she doesn't want to disobey her father who disapproves of me, which, I find odd being that she's 18 already.

I think JamesR and I are alike. Sorry I have to rant about this.  I do not share his dislike for children but I do have a thing for upper middle class or sophisticated girls. And I can't stand these crazy traditional girls who want all these children or who want to look like Amish. I want as many children as God gives but I had a problematic friendship that almost got serious with a traditional girl obsessed with children. She wanted like twenty or at least fourteen. I said, "Well if God gives that many, fine. You'll likely have five or six." Well she also could not understand why I liked all the girls at church who were what she considered vain. I told her I like a girl to wear some makeup at least and have care for her appearance. She just thought I was seeking a girl who was vain and not good for me. Glad that never turned into a dating relationship, let alone marriage. I just like a girl who likes to put on makeup and all that but I think brains are important.

I guess if I had to say what the ideal woman in terms of looks and personality that everyone knows it would be Emma Watson. She's smart, dresses well and has class, etc. But like JamesR I can think of a real girl I knew in high school that would make a great wife--but she's in a relationship now and we are just friends on Facebook. But I had a crush on her in high school and she knew it. She was a cheerleader and all. Beautiful, popular and everything but not at all ill-natured. My "friend" let it around I was "in love" with her. She did not try to avoid me but was even more friendly towards me. We were in different cliques and I was too shy and stupid anyway to come on to her in any way other than a friend. I don't know how to explain it but she is the best woman I have ever known other than one other perhaps. I don't think I am idealizing her. There was just something about her. She had the brains, class, and everything but without vanity, pride, etc. She was my first true love, and honesty, I love her still in a platonic way. Since it is very unlikely I will ever "have" her and because of the special admiration I have for her virtues, I love her and desire her happiness and the welfare of all those dear to her. I wish I could get to know her better so I could learn her faults. There's the sign: When you are willing to love them even for their faults and try your best to be patient to them.

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« Reply #73 on: January 08, 2014, 12:51:51 PM »

Is this thread supposed to be what you want in a relationship, or what you think will make a relationship work? They're not the same thing. I mean, I would love to meet a lady who wants to watch Louie CK and Mike Birbiglia comedy specials with me, but I don't think that's necessarily the key to a lasting relationship... (can't hurt, though!)

What will make a relationship work. Actually it is exactly the entertainment/past-time/hobby connections that I would like to have excluded from the discussion, but I figured, hey, if someone wants to defend that as a basis for a solid relationship, why stop them? But I recently mentioned to someone else something very similar to what you said about Louie CK and it not necessarily being, well, whatever, so... yeah. Smiley
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« Reply #74 on: January 08, 2014, 01:10:32 PM »

Actually it is exactly the entertainment/past-time/hobby connections that I would like to have excluded from the discussion

Then you will fail at relationships. They matter the most. Morals being second. And attractiveness mattering the mostest later on.
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« Reply #75 on: January 08, 2014, 01:13:46 PM »

Actually it is exactly the entertainment/past-time/hobby connections that I would like to have excluded from the discussion

Then you will fail at relationships. They matter the most.

The last time I tried that our interests changed over a relatively short time period, which led to the collapse of the relationship since common interests were what it had been built on.
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« Reply #76 on: January 08, 2014, 01:14:53 PM »

My wife and I have absolutely nothing in common other than our children. We have no hobbies we share, we don't like the same kind of movies, we go to two different churches, we have very different backgrounds, personalities and philosophical approaches to life. Having said that, we have been married for 10 years and I consider us to have a very strong marriage.  Neither one of us could ever imagine ending the relationship.

If someone wanted to know what the secret to our relationship is, I would just say tenacity.  Neither one of us is willing to give up on it. If we have problems, we talk about them as soon as they come up, but we don't expect the conversation to fix anything at that time.  We discuss it, then leave it for awhile so we can both think it over and consider the other person's position and whether we can find merit in it. For me, I knew from my wife's personality before we were even dating that she is a very persistent person.  She does not give up.  It can be aggravating as all heck when we are disagreeing about things or if she gets something in her mind that she wants to do, but I also know that she will go through hell and back before she would let our relationship fail. I trust her and she trusts me.

I think it is tough when you are starting a relationship to really identify objectively the traits in the other person that will work well with you. Likely you will come into it starry-eyed and emotional. It is useless trying to evaluate a relationship while you are in that stage.   It takes time to effectively evaluate someone.  I think it is very helpful to hold off for awhile before dating someone.  If you can hang out with someone as friends for a year or two before dating, you can see what that person is like outside of sexual attractivity.

Another thing is that you have to accept that people change.  Even if someone has every trait you could possibly want when you are dating, the likelyhood of them being the same person 5 or 10 years from now is nil.  My 24 year old self would probably not recognize my 34 year old self and I know my 14 yr old self would never recognize my 24 yr old self.  My wife went from wanting to be a working career woman to wanting to be a stay at home mom to wanting to find some employment that would be a hybrid of the two. At each stage, I never would have imagined that she would have wanted to do something different, she seemed so dead set on filling the role she was currently in. I went from protestant fundamentalist to protestant liberal to agnostic to orthodox. No one would have ever seen that in me 10 years ago. My wife stuck with me the whole way even if she disagrees with my conclusions.

I don't know if anyone is still reading or if this is tl/dr, but hopefully some of this is helpful to someone.
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« Reply #77 on: January 08, 2014, 01:15:32 PM »

Actually it is exactly the entertainment/past-time/hobby connections that I would like to have excluded from the discussion

Then you will fail at relationships. They matter the most. Morals being second. And attractiveness mattering the mostest later on.
No. Just no.
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« Reply #78 on: January 08, 2014, 01:26:50 PM »

Actually it is exactly the entertainment/past-time/hobby connections that I would like to have excluded from the discussion

Then you will fail at relationships. They matter the most.

The last time I tried that our interests changed over a relatively short time period, which led to the collapse of the relationship since common interests were what it had been built on.

People need space. It is absolutely imperative for each one to have at least a couple of interests that the other doesn't share.
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« Reply #79 on: January 08, 2014, 01:34:23 PM »

Actually it is exactly the entertainment/past-time/hobby connections that I would like to have excluded from the discussion

Then you will fail at relationships. They matter the most. Morals being second. And attractiveness mattering the mostest later on.
No. Just no.

Whatever dude. You are an N of 1. And really, I am not sure you have such a hot relationship or anyone here does who spends as much time here as you do when not working, unless your wife is oc.netting as well.

This stuff has been studied and it is pretty clear what drives long term relationships. Shared activities, values, attractiveness (which become more important over time not less).
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« Reply #80 on: January 08, 2014, 01:34:45 PM »

Actually it is exactly the entertainment/past-time/hobby connections that I would like to have excluded from the discussion

Then you will fail at relationships. They matter the most.

The last time I tried that our interests changed over a relatively short time period, which led to the collapse of the relationship since common interests were what it had been built on.

People need space. It is absolutely imperative for each one to have at least a couple of interests that the other doesn't share.

No it isn't.
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« Reply #81 on: January 08, 2014, 01:37:35 PM »

Oh and that noise Tri is talking about, people changing? They don't. Only people with a superficial view of others ever see much change.

We have things called personalities for a reason. They don't change outside of head trauma, psychological illness, or acute trauma.

People remain rather predictable. I know people who haven't changed since they were 6 months old. I knew they would be gay, straight, outgoing, pensive, etc.

Pay attention and you will get surprised a lot less by others. All that changes in others is our ability to lie to ourselves about who we wish they were.
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« Reply #82 on: January 08, 2014, 01:38:47 PM »

Actually it is exactly the entertainment/past-time/hobby connections that I would like to have excluded from the discussion

Then you will fail at relationships. They matter the most. Morals being second. And attractiveness mattering the mostest later on.
No. Just no.

Whatever dude. You are an N of 1. And really, I am not sure you have such a hot relationship or anyone here does who spends as much time here as you do when not working, unless your wife is oc.netting as well.

This stuff has been studied and it is pretty clear what drives long term relationships. Shared activities, values, attractiveness (which become more important over time not less).
lol, I await the posting of your "studies".  Roll Eyes
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« Reply #83 on: January 08, 2014, 01:40:09 PM »

Actually it is exactly the entertainment/past-time/hobby connections that I would like to have excluded from the discussion

Then you will fail at relationships. They matter the most. Morals being second. And attractiveness mattering the mostest later on.
No. Just no.

Whatever dude. You are an N of 1. And really, I am not sure you have such a hot relationship or anyone here does who spends as much time here as you do when not working, unless your wife is oc.netting as well.

This stuff has been studied and it is pretty clear what drives long term relationships. Shared activities, values, attractiveness (which become more important over time not less).
lol, I await the posting of your "studies".  Roll Eyes

I don't need to. Google. This is like talking about that water is wet.
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« Reply #84 on: January 08, 2014, 01:40:46 PM »

Actually it is exactly the entertainment/past-time/hobby connections that I would like to have excluded from the discussion

Then you will fail at relationships. They matter the most. Morals being second. And attractiveness mattering the mostest later on.
No. Just no.

Whatever dude. You are an N of 1. And really, I am not sure you have such a hot relationship or anyone here does who spends as much time here as you do when not working, unless your wife is oc.netting as well.

This stuff has been studied and it is pretty clear what drives long term relationships. Shared activities, values, attractiveness (which become more important over time not less).
lol, I await the posting of your "studies".  Roll Eyes

I don't need to. Google. This is like talking about that water is wet.
Just as I thought.
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Somebody just went all Jack Chick up in here.
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« Reply #85 on: January 08, 2014, 01:47:48 PM »

Actually it is exactly the entertainment/past-time/hobby connections that I would like to have excluded from the discussion

Then you will fail at relationships. They matter the most.

The last time I tried that our interests changed over a relatively short time period, which led to the collapse of the relationship since common interests were what it had been built on.

People need space. It is absolutely imperative for each one to have at least a couple of interests that the other doesn't share.

No it isn't.

Yes it is.

This whole 'shared interests' thing is a creation of the last 4-5 decades, tops. Before then, a couple shared obligations, their time together was little more than mealtimes and bedtimes (unless they had to work together), and they wouldn't have it any other way.
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« Reply #86 on: January 08, 2014, 01:57:27 PM »

I got lost a while back, thankfully. Now "Oh, yes it is" and "Oh, no it isn't" makes it sound more like the script for a Pantomine.

Seriously, a serious point has been made. In times not that long gone, shared obligations and hard work cemented couples. The self indulgence of people today who talk endlessly of their busy lives in an age where we are warmer than ever before, exercise less than ever before and have - more often than not - more labour saving gadgets and shorter working hours than before. Shared hardships bound neighbours too.
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« Reply #87 on: January 08, 2014, 02:32:35 PM »

I don't know if anyone is still reading or if this is tl/dr, but hopefully some of this is helpful to someone.

Not tl;dr at all, thanks for sharing Smiley
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« Reply #88 on: January 08, 2014, 02:33:56 PM »

My husband and I don't have a lot in common either. Our hobbies are very different, we don't like the same kinds of movies either, etc. We do share a similar sense of humor, so that has been pretty solidifying I think. We've also gone through some pretty major life changes together, so we have common experiences that would be impossible to replicate with anyone else. If we had met each other in high school I doubt we would even have been friends, so I'm glad we didn't.  Wink
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« Reply #89 on: January 08, 2014, 05:36:25 PM »

You just have to like being around each other.  For today's Soul-Mate view of marriage.

 I don't think I'd want to share every interest and goal with my husband.  I can only take so much car stuff and auto racing and I don't quite see how he can listen to an engine and hear all sorts of things I can't hear.  I didn't quite get why there were car parts and tool boxes all over the house, including in the kitchen cabinets and under the bed and I'm doing my best to prevent more auto parts from being stockpiled.  But, I do like being able to stand back and admire him in his own element, such as when he's in his old clothes working on the cars and making things really hum.

Maybe that's the key, to find traits to admire in the other......

And, what ZealousZeal said about sharing a sense of humor.  It's no fun to be with someone who doesn't get your humor.
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