Author Topic: Schlock Orthoproducts  (Read 7872 times)

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Offline Agabus

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Schlock Orthoproducts
« on: December 01, 2013, 04:56:01 PM »
In the vein of the schlock icons thread, we shall herein discuss the merits of various products of Orthokitsch.

My first offering:

The "Acquire Peace" t-shirt



The second is much more ephemeral:

The Jesus Prayer App for Android.
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Offline mike

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2013, 05:02:36 PM »
I suppose this thread will provide many inspirations for me.

Offline Shanghaiski

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2013, 05:03:07 PM »
This thread will meet a real need.
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Offline Agabus

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2013, 05:24:40 PM »
Doesn't take much searching to find loads of sacred objects attached to keychains.

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Offline LBK

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2013, 05:33:02 PM »
One of my "favorites", the dreaded icon bracelet:



Ugh.  :P
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Offline Alpo

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2013, 05:36:16 PM »
I use St. Benedict Medal as a keychain. Does it count?

Offline Cognomen

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2013, 06:09:26 PM »

The Jesus Prayer App for Android.

This alone makes the thread worthwhile. 

I don't have any visual contributions, but the vomit inducing prelude music and introductory comments to most podcasts seem, at best, to fall into the schlock category.
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Offline Shanghaiski

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2013, 06:24:05 PM »
One of my "favorites", the dreaded icon bracelet:



Ugh.  :P

Come on, we all know you secretly long to have a bracelet of your favorite schlock icons. :)
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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2013, 06:26:42 PM »
I use St. Benedict Medal as a keychain. Does it count?

I've seen St Benedict and St Bridget medals on zip pullers on Etsy. I'd link if they were still there.
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Offline LBK

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2013, 06:29:16 PM »
One of my "favorites", the dreaded icon bracelet:



Ugh.  :P

Come on, we all know you secretly long to have a bracelet of your favorite schlock icons. :)

Only to get the satisfaction of burning it!  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Offline Alpo

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2013, 11:32:50 AM »
I use St. Benedict Medal as a keychain. Does it count?

I've seen St Benedict and St Bridget medals on zip pullers on Etsy. I'd link if they were still there.

I had to google to see what is Etsy. I'm Glad that I haven't seen it around here. One international market chain selling ugly low quality products less to boycott.

My medal is from Medjugorje. Two of my RC friends made a pilgrimage there. I been considering whether I should ask my priest to bless it just in order to see his face. "St. Benedict Medal? What's that?"

Offline Agabus

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2013, 12:34:40 PM »
If you play it right, you can venerate and get a sip of coffee all in one fluid motion:

Blessed Nazarius practiced the ascetic life. His clothes were tattered. He wore his shoes without removing them for six years.

THE OPINIONS HERE MAY NOT REFLECT THE ACTUAL OR PERCEIVED ORTHODOX CHURCH

Offline orthonorm

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #12 on: December 02, 2013, 12:38:46 PM »
If you play it right, you can venerate and get a sip of coffee all in one fluid motion:



LOL @ your posts.

Jesus prayer app! Good grief. There is now an app for everything. Slide while counting . . .
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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #13 on: December 02, 2013, 12:52:40 PM »
One of my "favorites", the dreaded icon bracelet:

Ugh.  :P

Ooops, I wear such thing for special occasions (I have two such bracelets and both are important for me as I've receive them from Serbia). But people rather like it, one of my Orthodox friends even said it's nice I wanted to take my friends with me.

In my opinion e.g icons-puzzles are one of Schlock Orthoproducts. Unfortunately, last year I got it as a birthday gift :laugh: (a canonical Serbian fresco presenting the Last Judgment)
« Last Edit: December 02, 2013, 12:53:11 PM by Dominika »
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Offline Shiny

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #14 on: December 02, 2013, 12:57:12 PM »
I'll have to find the Photoshop I did of putting St John of Shanghai on a tshirt. Looked good to me lol.
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Offline Agabus

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #15 on: December 02, 2013, 01:28:34 PM »
I'll have to find the Photoshop I did of putting St John of Shanghai on a tshirt. Looked good to me lol.

Like this?

Blessed Nazarius practiced the ascetic life. His clothes were tattered. He wore his shoes without removing them for six years.

THE OPINIONS HERE MAY NOT REFLECT THE ACTUAL OR PERCEIVED ORTHODOX CHURCH

Offline podkarpatska

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #16 on: December 02, 2013, 02:08:23 PM »
I'll have to find the Photoshop I did of putting St John of Shanghai on a tshirt. Looked good to me lol.

Like this?



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Offline Justin Kissel

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #17 on: December 02, 2013, 02:16:19 PM »
Jesus prayer app! Good grief. There is now an app for everything. Slide while counting . . .

I wonder if, many centuries ago, people railed against prayer ropes.  "Why do you need a rope to pray? Why would you introduce such a material thing into the pure act of prayer with God? Is it that you wish to show off to others? Is prayer by itself not exciting enough for you? Are you so inattentive that you can't keep track of what you're doing without one? Are you so bent on following the latest fad? Truly I tell you, this is nothing more than a passing triviality, a way for people to bring worldly corruptions into their prayer life! We are called to silence, to quiet, not to introduce unnecessary reasons for movement and shifting thoughts while we pray, or put unnecessary physical barriers between ourselves and God!"
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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #18 on: December 02, 2013, 02:25:39 PM »
But people rather like it, one of my Orthodox friends even said it's nice I wanted to take my friends with me.

I do that with paper icons as bookmarks. >_>
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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #19 on: December 02, 2013, 02:32:16 PM »
Jesus prayer app! Good grief. There is now an app for everything. Slide while counting . . .

I wonder if, many centuries ago, people railed against prayer ropes.  "Why do you need a rope to pray? Why would you introduce such a material thing into the pure act of prayer with God? Is it that you wish to show off to others? Is prayer by itself not exciting enough for you? Are you so inattentive that you can't keep track of what you're doing without one? Are you so bent on following the latest fad? Truly I tell you, this is nothing more than a passing triviality, a way for people to bring worldly corruptions into their prayer life! We are called to silence, to quiet, not to introduce unnecessary reasons for movement and shifting thoughts while we pray, or put unnecessary physical barriers between ourselves and God!"

Well, if I go to a monastery and they all have their Iphones out and using this app, I'm going to take out my Iphone and take a picture, because that would be a weird sight.
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Offline Justin Kissel

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #20 on: December 02, 2013, 02:37:18 PM »
Well, if I go to a monastery and they all have their Iphones out and using this app, I'm going to take out my Iphone and take a picture, because that would be a weird sight.

Give it a few generations. Then we'll talk. :)
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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #21 on: December 02, 2013, 02:39:03 PM »
Well, if I go to a monastery and they all have their Iphones out and using this app, I'm going to take out my Iphone and take a picture, because that would be a weird sight.

Give it a few generations. Then we'll talk. :)

If you're still around, you can talk with me at my grave.  Assuming, of course, someone bothered to bury me.
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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #22 on: December 02, 2013, 03:46:40 PM »
But people rather like it, one of my Orthodox friends even said it's nice I wanted to take my friends with me.

I do that with paper icons as bookmarks. >_>

I do that with religious books, but I'm not sure what a Saint would think about marking the spot in Blood Meridian. 
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Offline orthonorm

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #23 on: December 02, 2013, 04:35:34 PM »
Jesus prayer app! Good grief. There is now an app for everything. Slide while counting . . .

I wonder if, many centuries ago, people railed against prayer ropes.  "Why do you need a rope to pray? Why would you introduce such a material thing into the pure act of prayer with God? Is it that you wish to show off to others? Is prayer by itself not exciting enough for you? Are you so inattentive that you can't keep track of what you're doing without one? Are you so bent on following the latest fad? Truly I tell you, this is nothing more than a passing triviality, a way for people to bring worldly corruptions into their prayer life! We are called to silence, to quiet, not to introduce unnecessary reasons for movement and shifting thoughts while we pray, or put unnecessary physical barriers between ourselves and God!"

Ropes are goofy too.
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Offline Agabus

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #24 on: December 02, 2013, 04:40:07 PM »
Jesus prayer app! Good grief. There is now an app for everything. Slide while counting . . .

I wonder if, many centuries ago, people railed against prayer ropes.  "Why do you need a rope to pray? Why would you introduce such a material thing into the pure act of prayer with God? Is it that you wish to show off to others? Is prayer by itself not exciting enough for you? Are you so inattentive that you can't keep track of what you're doing without one? Are you so bent on following the latest fad? Truly I tell you, this is nothing more than a passing triviality, a way for people to bring worldly corruptions into their prayer life! We are called to silence, to quiet, not to introduce unnecessary reasons for movement and shifting thoughts while we pray, or put unnecessary physical barriers between ourselves and God!"

Ropes are goofy too.
Speaking of, I present you the survival chotki:



Or, as the product description calls it, the "professional and exprienced orthodox prayer rope wristband survival bracelet."
Blessed Nazarius practiced the ascetic life. His clothes were tattered. He wore his shoes without removing them for six years.

THE OPINIONS HERE MAY NOT REFLECT THE ACTUAL OR PERCEIVED ORTHODOX CHURCH

Offline orthonorm

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #25 on: December 02, 2013, 04:43:39 PM »
Jesus prayer app! Good grief. There is now an app for everything. Slide while counting . . .

I wonder if, many centuries ago, people railed against prayer ropes.  "Why do you need a rope to pray? Why would you introduce such a material thing into the pure act of prayer with God? Is it that you wish to show off to others? Is prayer by itself not exciting enough for you? Are you so inattentive that you can't keep track of what you're doing without one? Are you so bent on following the latest fad? Truly I tell you, this is nothing more than a passing triviality, a way for people to bring worldly corruptions into their prayer life! We are called to silence, to quiet, not to introduce unnecessary reasons for movement and shifting thoughts while we pray, or put unnecessary physical barriers between ourselves and God!"

Ropes are goofy too.
Speaking of, I present you the survival chotki:



Or, as the product description calls it, the "professional and exprienced orthodox prayer rope wristband survival bracelet."

Awesome. I know * likes to level everything down to some ridiculous common denominator which he believes conditions the view he is taking a stance against.

That he is almost always wrong is beside the point. He is clever when he does it, but nevertheless usually inaccurate.
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Offline LBK

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #26 on: December 02, 2013, 06:09:31 PM »
Jesus prayer app! Good grief. There is now an app for everything. Slide while counting . . .

I wonder if, many centuries ago, people railed against prayer ropes.  "Why do you need a rope to pray? Why would you introduce such a material thing into the pure act of prayer with God? Is it that you wish to show off to others? Is prayer by itself not exciting enough for you? Are you so inattentive that you can't keep track of what you're doing without one? Are you so bent on following the latest fad? Truly I tell you, this is nothing more than a passing triviality, a way for people to bring worldly corruptions into their prayer life! We are called to silence, to quiet, not to introduce unnecessary reasons for movement and shifting thoughts while we pray, or put unnecessary physical barriers between ourselves and God!"

Somehow I doubt iphones are made with prayer and fasting by monks.
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Offline ZealousZeal

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #27 on: December 02, 2013, 06:20:15 PM »
One of my "favorites", the dreaded icon bracelet:



Ugh.  :P

Come on, we all know you secretly long to have a bracelet of your favorite schlock icons. :)

Brilliant! Now I have to keep my fingers crossed for an OC.net Secret Santa, and then hope and pray I draw LBK.
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Offline LBK

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #28 on: December 02, 2013, 06:31:32 PM »
One of my "favorites", the dreaded icon bracelet:


Ugh.  :P

Come on, we all know you secretly long to have a bracelet of your favorite schlock icons. :)

Brilliant! Now I have to keep my fingers crossed for an OC.net Secret Santa, and then hope and pray I draw LBK.

You evil woman, you!  ;) :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Offline ZealousZeal

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #29 on: December 02, 2013, 06:43:43 PM »
You wouldn't want a fine bracelet lovingly crafted by a friend?  ;) I already have a prototype photoshopped using some of your favorites!  8)
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Offline Agabus

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #30 on: December 02, 2013, 06:47:41 PM »
One of my "favorites", the dreaded icon bracelet:



Ugh.  :P

Come on, we all know you secretly long to have a bracelet of your favorite schlock icons. :)

Brilliant! Now I have to keep my fingers crossed for an OC.net Secret Santa, and then hope and pray I draw LBK.
And thus was born the Great Schlockoclasty controversy of 2013, in which the Confessor LBK defended the right of schlockoclasm against the schlockodules.

In more recent times, some theologians have suggested the schlockodules were misunderstood by the schlockkoclasts, who — though both parties spoke English — no longer shared a common culture or language with the opposing party. Some have suggested a mistranslation resulted in accidental schlockodulism, while others suggested the entire thing was a joke.

Despite the current charitable ecumenical reading of history, the schism has remained in place since 2013, though members of both parties openly commune in each others’ churches.
« Last Edit: December 02, 2013, 06:48:56 PM by Agabus »
Blessed Nazarius practiced the ascetic life. His clothes were tattered. He wore his shoes without removing them for six years.

THE OPINIONS HERE MAY NOT REFLECT THE ACTUAL OR PERCEIVED ORTHODOX CHURCH

Offline LBK

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #31 on: December 02, 2013, 06:51:44 PM »
You wouldn't want a fine bracelet lovingly crafted by a friend?  ;) I already have a prototype photoshopped using some of your favorites!  8)

Oooo, goody! Can I have a look? Pretty-please?  :laugh:
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Offline LBK

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #32 on: December 02, 2013, 06:53:01 PM »
One of my "favorites", the dreaded icon bracelet:



Ugh.  :P

Come on, we all know you secretly long to have a bracelet of your favorite schlock icons. :)

Brilliant! Now I have to keep my fingers crossed for an OC.net Secret Santa, and then hope and pray I draw LBK.
And thus was born the Great Schlockoclasty controversy of 2013, in which the Confessor LBK defended the right of schlockoclasm against the schlockodules.

In more recent times, some theologians have suggested the schlockodules were misunderstood by the schlockkoclasts, who — though both parties spoke English — no longer shared a common culture or language with the opposing party. Some have suggested a mistranslation resulted in accidental schlockodulism, while others suggested the entire thing was a joke.

Despite the current charitable ecumenical reading of history, the schism has remained in place since 2013, though members of both parties openly commune in each others’ churches.


All hail St Agabus, chronicler and elucidator of our Faith!  :laugh:
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Offline ZealousZeal

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #33 on: December 02, 2013, 07:02:46 PM »
You wouldn't want a fine bracelet lovingly crafted by a friend?  ;) I already have a prototype photoshopped using some of your favorites!  8)

Oooo, goody! Can I have a look? Pretty-please?  :laugh:

Well, okay... but it totally ruins the surprise:

"For this God is our God forever and ever; He will be our guide, even to the end." Psalm 48:14

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #34 on: December 02, 2013, 07:28:38 PM »
You wouldn't want a fine bracelet lovingly crafted by a friend?  ;) I already have a prototype photoshopped using some of your favorites!  8)

Oooo, goody! Can I have a look? Pretty-please?  :laugh:

Well, okay... but it totally ruins the surprise:



You are lovely. 
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Offline Justin Kissel

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #35 on: December 02, 2013, 07:33:39 PM »
Well, okay... but it totally ruins the surprise:



I see no icons of Jesus doing resistance training, I think you're safe!
We all have an El Guapo to face. Be brave, and fight like lions!

Form a 'brute squad' then!

Offline ZealousZeal

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #36 on: December 02, 2013, 07:41:59 PM »
There were so many options... She might have to get an entire jewelry set. Maybe featuring God the Father as earrings? I know she loves that. ;)
"For this God is our God forever and ever; He will be our guide, even to the end." Psalm 48:14

Offline ZealousZeal

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #37 on: December 02, 2013, 07:57:08 PM »
Well, okay... but it totally ruins the surprise:



You are lovely. 

I can make you one if you'd like, Mor. I'm thinking Carmen Electra, Louis CK, merkins, maybe a cat...
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Offline Mor Ephrem

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #38 on: December 02, 2013, 07:58:55 PM »
I can make you one if you'd like, Mor. I'm thinking Carmen Electra, Louis CK, merkins, maybe a cat...

If you can make one where the only image is of Louis CK wearing nothing but a merkin and holding a cat, I'd cope with the absence of Carmen Electra. 
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Offline orthonorm

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #39 on: December 02, 2013, 07:59:15 PM »
Jesus prayer app! Good grief. There is now an app for everything. Slide while counting . . .

I wonder if, many centuries ago, people railed against prayer ropes.  "Why do you need a rope to pray? Why would you introduce such a material thing into the pure act of prayer with God? Is it that you wish to show off to others? Is prayer by itself not exciting enough for you? Are you so inattentive that you can't keep track of what you're doing without one? Are you so bent on following the latest fad? Truly I tell you, this is nothing more than a passing triviality, a way for people to bring worldly corruptions into their prayer life! We are called to silence, to quiet, not to introduce unnecessary reasons for movement and shifting thoughts while we pray, or put unnecessary physical barriers between ourselves and God!"

Somehow I doubt iphones are made with prayer and fasting by monks.

When the "labor market" gets especially competitive, maybe they will. Sanctity will be required to remain sane under the conditions developing for global labor.
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Offline ZealousZeal

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #40 on: December 02, 2013, 08:01:29 PM »
I can make you one if you'd like, Mor. I'm thinking Carmen Electra, Louis CK, merkins, maybe a cat...

If you can make one where the only image is of Louis CK wearing nothing but a merkin and holding a cat, I'd cope with the absence of Carmen Electra. 

Is that a challenge?  ;)
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Offline Mor Ephrem

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #41 on: December 02, 2013, 08:47:46 PM »
I can make you one if you'd like, Mor. I'm thinking Carmen Electra, Louis CK, merkins, maybe a cat...

If you can make one where the only image is of Louis CK wearing nothing but a merkin and holding a cat, I'd cope with the absence of Carmen Electra. 

Is that a challenge?  ;)

Surprise me.  ;)
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Offline TheTrisagion

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #42 on: December 02, 2013, 10:06:18 PM »
*TheTrisagion approves of this thread*
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Offline LBK

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #43 on: December 02, 2013, 10:41:25 PM »
You wouldn't want a fine bracelet lovingly crafted by a friend?  ;) I already have a prototype photoshopped using some of your favorites!  8)

Oooo, goody! Can I have a look? Pretty-please?  :laugh:

Well, okay... but it totally ruins the surprise:



You are lovely.  

Isn't she just!  :laugh:  :laugh: :laugh:
« Last Edit: December 02, 2013, 10:41:56 PM by LBK »
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Offline Shanghaiski

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Re: Schlock Orthoproducts
« Reply #44 on: December 02, 2013, 10:42:00 PM »
Jesus prayer app! Good grief. There is now an app for everything. Slide while counting . . .

I wonder if, many centuries ago, people railed against prayer ropes.  "Why do you need a rope to pray? Why would you introduce such a material thing into the pure act of prayer with God? Is it that you wish to show off to others? Is prayer by itself not exciting enough for you? Are you so inattentive that you can't keep track of what you're doing without one? Are you so bent on following the latest fad? Truly I tell you, this is nothing more than a passing triviality, a way for people to bring worldly corruptions into their prayer life! We are called to silence, to quiet, not to introduce unnecessary reasons for movement and shifting thoughts while we pray, or put unnecessary physical barriers between ourselves and God!"

Somehow I doubt iphones are made with prayer and fasting by monks.

This just in: Apple hires Ethiopian monks to make iPhones. "We're really excited about this new arrangement," said Apple CEO Timothy Cook. "We used to get bad press using Chinese slave labor to make our products--and we still had to pay them. Now, we get monks to make iPhones with prayer and fasting, and we don't have to pay them anything. They get work to do while practicing ascesis and we get cheap phones to sell for outrageous profits. Everybody wins."
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