Long story short, my mother is ape-poop insane because her mother treated her horribly, she then got knocked up with me at 15, and now she treats me the same way. Growing up, I've had an extreme love-hate relationship with my mother. On the one hand, she's the woman who raised me virtually all on her own, but on the other, she's the woman who abuses me mentally and occasionally physically. When I was a kid and she'd be an emotional wreck after arguing with my dad, I was always the one she'd vent to. And this bothers me to the extreme because half the time I didn't know what was going on, and then she's making my burden harder by forcing me to be the parent while she plays child. Yet, whenever I would cry or have a problem (especially during 8th-9th grade) she would laugh at me, insult me, and add to my pain. Eventually it turned to where I don't tell her anything about my life, and then she nags me for being too secretive.
She's prone to having seemingly psychotic breakdowns of violence and anger where she goes off on anyone who ticks her off, similar to a little girl throwing a tantrum, and I'm usually always on the receiving end of it from her. She picks on me the most because I'm the oldest child. She makes me do the most work, and hardly does anything for me in return when I ask for something. Yet, the moment I complain even once, she goes off on me, insults me, comes out with seemingly odd and unrelated insults to me. Bottom line: she resents me. For example, I may complain about having to babysit her kids (which I don't think is fair given that they are hers, not mine) after 3 or 4 days of doing it continuously in a row, and she'll start insulting my personality, like saying I'm too shy, socially awkward, "****ing weird like your father/grandparent/insert someone here" etc. Whenever something good happens to me, like I graduate early or I get my license, she's ticked off at me for no reason and I can see it in her eyes. She thinks I'm selfish whenever something good happens to me, but she spoils my younger siblings rotten and often does it strategically to try to turn them against me.
She's mad with power and extremely controlling. She will NEVER apologize for ANYTHING. Even when she knows she is wrong. Not only with me, but even with my father and siblings around the house. She will literally go days and days at a time giving everyone the cold shoulder and/or picking fights with them until they break in and have to apologize to her just to make peace around the house, and she won't accept anything than a total "I was 100% wrong" apology from anyone. She purposely gets in your face, occasionally hits you, or physically harasses you, and tempts you to use violence in retaliation. Again, another way she tries to demonstrate her complete power over everyone in the house. And she always needs to know where everyone is all the time. If I even go to Church, she needs me to text message her every 15-20 minutes that I'm okay or else she'll kill me when I get home. She even makes my father text or call her whenever he's gone as well (although she has an excuse with him since he's a recovering addict). She won't let me use public transportation or get a ride with my friends because she's paranoid, but will take me instead, and then when she's angry she throws it against me like she's doing me a favor even though she's the one who chooses to do this because of her paranoia.
She has psychological problems. She's like a little girl. She thinks that because she cries and screams she can get anything and everything, and that everyone has to submit to her power. She's paranoid and bipolar; she suffered excessive panic attacks growing up from her mother who was the same way. And well, I hate her. Bottom line. I hate her with a passion. I tore every single photograph I have of me me and her together, burned the Birthday cards she's given me, and smashed every object she's given me that has sentimental value--like this stupid blue heart-shaped box she gave me for Valentines day when I was 5. I have psychological problems too because this isn't healthy tbh and I know it. It isn't healthy that I attempted suicide when I was 12 and never told anyone. It isn't healthy that she's the same as her mom and that if I don't get any help, I'm probably going to be the same way she is to my kids if I ever have any.
I've been secretly getting therapy for myself from a former teacher who's a therapist. But, I want to get therapy with my mom. I know that this is weird, but, as much as I hate her, I still love her and want us to get therapy together so our relationship can improve. But, she'll never go for it. She won't go for it because she refuses to believe that anything is wrong with her. If I even bring it up or suggest that she may want help, she will flip into an emotional rage against me because she'll feel insulted, and I do not want to be on the receiving end of that. My dad won't be any help either because he's practically spineless and wrapped around her finger, and just blindly supports her in everything (even when he knows she's wrong), but can occasionally calm her down and divert her total rage away from me. I just want to deal with these unresolved feelings I have with my mom together with her, but she'll never go for it.
The fact that I'm moving out this February when I turn 18 with my best friend into a studio apartment makes me want to resolve our issues more so. I don't want to enter adulthood on bad terms with my mother. I want us to resolve our issues, but to her, resolution means submitting to her 100% and taking all the blame.