I can sympathize/empathize with you. I won't go into details, but I am sincere when I say that.
One way of looking at salvation is as a form of healing. Generally we have different things that we need healed of. Some people don't think they need to be healed of anything in particular. If it helps you could think of your current struggles, confusion to understand/find answers etc. as the sickness. Even if you don't believe it entirely, let's say you go along with it and are willing to give a proposed cure a shot just to see how it goes. Now, I guess the question is, are you willing to take the medicine. For example, you said:
I'm surprised but thankful to hear you say that. It is very hard to know what is going on, or what is expected of you.
The last time I changed religions (I wanted to study the bible) they were very aggressive, had it all planned out etc.
It was very easy to convert. Perhaps I'm unfairly comparing that to Orthodox, which seems very different (difficult to convert to).
Thanks for trying to define salvation for me, as well. I'm thinking that is something to be worked on after you have been around for awhile,
but I'm not sure about using it as a reason to convert, because you can almost never get there. It seems a bit abstract.
I did do some research and found something saying: "Christianity is a life-long pursuit of virtue."http://www.stjohndc.org/Russian/what/WhatE/e_WayApart.htm
That's the first thing I ever found, to be something I can grasp on to.
That's actually a goal, not a negation; but it's the first and only one I've ever found so far.
It is strange, because this article talks about undoing a lot of RC thinking.
That may be the real problem.
Looking at an Orthodox reality on top of RC assumptions is truly horrifying, sometimes.
I just don't know how to fix all that, yet.
But, at least I'm starting to figure out what the real problem might be.
to be continued......