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« on: November 09, 2013, 10:43:01 PM »

My wife's 15 year old nephew is living in a bad place. His dad is a drug addict and abuses him. My wife wants him to move in with us, which I'm not opposed to. I have some reservations about it. If we allow him to move in with us then financially I don't know if we can handle it. I also have to worry about his drug addict dad coming over in drug-induced rages.

I spoke with my wife and said I would agree to it if his dad and/or his grandmother would help us financially. She agreed. The boy said he would like to stay with us during the week and go home on the weekends. I asked my wife how this would work out financially for us based on what we agreed on.  She began saying things like "its the Christian thing to do" and what will God think of me if I don't agree to it".

Do you guys think I should step out in faith financially for the boys sake or is it ok to stick to our original agreement on the finances?
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« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2013, 12:49:36 AM »

My wife's 15 year old nephew is living in a bad place. His dad is a drug addict and abuses him. My wife wants him to move in with us, which I'm not opposed to. I have some reservations about it. If we allow him to move in with us then financially I don't know if we can handle it. I also have to worry about his drug addict dad coming over in drug-induced rages.

I spoke with my wife and said I would agree to it if his dad and/or his grandmother would help us financially. She agreed. The boy said he would like to stay with us during the week and go home on the weekends. I asked my wife how this would work out financially for us based on what we agreed on.  She began saying things like "its the Christian thing to do" and what will God think of me if I don't agree to it".

Do you guys think I should step out in faith financially for the boys sake or is it ok to stick to our original agreement on the finances?

It might be advisable to contact Child Protective Services and get foster kinship.
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« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2013, 01:21:04 AM »

Make sure the parents, you and your wife as well as the poor boy himself are fine with those arrangements.
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« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2013, 01:38:32 AM »

My wife's 15 year old nephew is living in a bad place. His dad is a drug addict and abuses him. My wife wants him to move in with us, which I'm not opposed to. I have some reservations about it. If we allow him to move in with us then financially I don't know if we can handle it. I also have to worry about his drug addict dad coming over in drug-induced rages.

I spoke with my wife and said I would agree to it if his dad and/or his grandmother would help us financially. She agreed. The boy said he would like to stay with us during the week and go home on the weekends. I asked my wife how this would work out financially for us based on what we agreed on.  She began saying things like "its the Christian thing to do" and what will God think of me if I don't agree to it".

Do you guys think I should step out in faith financially for the boys sake or is it ok to stick to our original agreement on the finances?

It might be advisable to contact Child Protective Services and get foster kinship.

Here in California, CPS has a bad reputation: too many kids, too large of a bureaucracy (too many case managers but not enough social workers) to protect children who often slip through the system.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2013, 01:58:11 AM by Maria » Logged

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« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2013, 01:49:20 AM »

Make sure the parents, you and your wife as well as the poor boy himself are fine with those arrangements.

Some questions to ponder:

Is the teenager an Orthodox Christian? Would he be willing to go to Divine Services with you? If not, Is that why he wants to be home with his dad on weekends?

If you have children, could this teenager be a bad influence on them?

The idea of this teenager spending the weekends with his dad would not be good if the dad has no desire to get off drugs. A 15 year old could also be a drug user or pusher. He could also be enabling his dad's behavior. He would have to be monitored, and the situation might turn ugly.

My own brother was/is into drugs. He would steal our possessions, lie about it , and try to blame us. My parents wanted to believe him because he could quote the Bible from memory. As a teenager of 15, he stole the probation officer's car and ran away. The authorities caught him when he was 17, and released him when he was 18 so he could serve in the Army. As an adult, he still has no morals, and thinks nothing about lying and stealing. He continues to be in denial about his drug addiction, but he believes that he will be saved because Christ died once for all. He zealously believes in "once saved, always saved" Protestantism. Lord have mercy.

Have you taken any courses on drug dependency so you would know how to deal with this problem?



« Last Edit: November 10, 2013, 01:54:59 AM by Maria » Logged

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« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2013, 03:22:41 PM »

I would do it. What happens if you don't help him, and his dad kills him in a drug rage later on? What happens if the boy fights back and kills his dad over years of abuse and pent up hatred?

Just food for thought. Maria also made a good point about your own kids, too. Be prepared to handle the addict if you do this, I'm sure you know they can do scary stuff when they're high. Someone said legal guardianship I think? I would ask for the boy's custody to be temporarily given to you if able and be prepared to have to take legal action against the dad. Supervised visits til he is clean for safety. Good luck.
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« Reply #6 on: November 10, 2013, 03:26:56 PM »

Lord have mercy.
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« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2013, 12:14:42 PM »

Since the boy is a minor in every sense, the authorities need to be notified before any plans can go ahead. You don't want to have to deal with abduction charges, and you do need support in case the dad decides to kick up a stink.
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« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2013, 03:00:12 PM »

The financial part would seem to be the least of your worries.
Contact a lawyer.
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« Reply #9 on: November 11, 2013, 05:29:45 PM »

The financial part would seem to be the least of your worries.
Contact a lawyer.

Or CPS, so as to establish (depending on the state of residence, though it's entirely possible that every state has) foster kinship, which will not only solve the legal issues, but should come with financial benefits as well.
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« Reply #10 on: November 11, 2013, 06:04:09 PM »

The financial part would seem to be the least of your worries.
Contact a lawyer.

Or CPS, so as to establish (depending on the state of residence, though it's entirely possible that every state has) foster kinship, which will not only solve the legal issues, but should come with financial benefits as well.

CPS should be the last ones to contact.
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« Reply #11 on: November 11, 2013, 06:48:17 PM »

The financial part would seem to be the least of your worries.
Contact a lawyer.

Or CPS, so as to establish (depending on the state of residence, though it's entirely possible that every state has) foster kinship, which will not only solve the legal issues, but should come with financial benefits as well.

CPS should be the last ones to contact.

Not really.
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« Reply #12 on: November 11, 2013, 10:50:49 PM »

The financial part would seem to be the least of your worries.
Contact a lawyer.

Or CPS, so as to establish (depending on the state of residence, though it's entirely possible that every state has) foster kinship, which will not only solve the legal issues, but should come with financial benefits as well.

CPS should be the last ones to contact.

Not really.

Depends on the state in which CPS is being contacted.
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« Reply #13 on: December 06, 2013, 02:56:04 PM »

I think you should go through the proper legal channels to gain custody/guardianship of the child so that you have the law on your side regarding child support, visitation, school, etc.  However, I wouldn't count on getting much financial support from a drug user, and I'd have to think long and hard before allowing him to go home for the weekends unless his father goes to rehab.
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« Reply #14 on: December 06, 2013, 05:59:55 PM »

My wife's 15 year old nephew is living in a bad place. His dad is a drug addict and abuses him. My wife wants him to move in with us, which I'm not opposed to. I have some reservations about it. If we allow him to move in with us then financially I don't know if we can handle it. I also have to worry about his drug addict dad coming over in drug-induced rages.

I spoke with my wife and said I would agree to it if his dad and/or his grandmother would help us financially. She agreed. The boy said he would like to stay with us during the week and go home on the weekends. I asked my wife how this would work out financially for us based on what we agreed on.  She began saying things like "its the Christian thing to do" and what will God think of me if I don't agree to it".

Do you guys think I should step out in faith financially for the boys sake or is it ok to stick to our original agreement on the finances?

Taking on the responsibility of another is a serious situation, especially that of a child in a vulnerable state,  and you are in some murky territory as you say. I would have a lot of questions to ask about the kid and you and your wife. Having seen a lot of people further harm children by naively trying to do the good thing then abandoning them when things become "impossible", I would suggest you ask yourself a lot of hard questions about the day to day practicalities and your motives.

If the child has conduct issues, I would seek professional for yourself and them if you can. I can't imagine getting out of a drunken household without damage, best to address it early and often.

But again, I've seen lives shattered. Ruined. Destroyed. Due to the failed charity of others. Be extremely honest with yourself, please.

And realize more than likely nothing but a lot of pain and confusion are ahead of you.

And that really, if you decide to take care of this child and commit yourself to it in a sober and honest manner, you are saint, end of discussion. If this doesn't get you into the Pearly Gates, everyone deserves hell. 
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« Reply #15 on: December 06, 2013, 10:56:47 PM »

My wife's 15 year old nephew is living in a bad place. His dad is a drug addict and abuses him. My wife wants him to move in with us, which I'm not opposed to. I have some reservations about it. If we allow him to move in with us then financially I don't know if we can handle it. I also have to worry about his drug addict dad coming over in drug-induced rages.

I spoke with my wife and said I would agree to it if his dad and/or his grandmother would help us financially. She agreed. The boy said he would like to stay with us during the week and go home on the weekends. I asked my wife how this would work out financially for us based on what we agreed on.  She began saying things like "its the Christian thing to do" and what will God think of me if I don't agree to it".

Do you guys think I should step out in faith financially for the boys sake or is it ok to stick to our original agreement on the finances?

Taking on the responsibility of another is a serious situation, especially that of a child in a vulnerable state,  and you are in some murky territory as you say. I would have a lot of questions to ask about the kid and you and your wife. Having seen a lot of people further harm children by naively trying to do the good thing then abandoning them when things become "impossible", I would suggest you ask yourself a lot of hard questions about the day to day practicalities and your motives.

If the child has conduct issues, I would seek professional for yourself and them if you can. I can't imagine getting out of a drunken household without damage, best to address it early and often.

But again, I've seen lives shattered. Ruined. Destroyed. Due to the failed charity of others. Be extremely honest with yourself, please.

And realize more than likely nothing but a lot of pain and confusion are ahead of you.

And that really, if you decide to take care of this child and commit yourself to it in a sober and honest manner, you are saint, end of discussion. If this doesn't get you into the Pearly Gates, everyone deserves hell. 
This.
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« Reply #16 on: December 16, 2013, 05:01:31 PM »

Contact a lawyer. I understand what others are saying about CPS but I agree that CPS should be the last resort to call. If the dad will sign "temporary" guardianship papers then you'll be better off. You'll have to have guardianship of some kind to deal with school, doctors, etc. I would definitely do this because if not you could get your neck on the line for child neglect or abuse if the child has issues come up and he's been in your care at all.

I would definitely look into getting him into therapy and also check into ALANON or something similar that would be a support group for families of drug users. I would be concerned and watch the child for drug use or other issues from what he's dealt with. Keep in mind though while I realize that some kids do turn to the dark side after having been through this that's not always the case (says the former child of a highly abusive cocaine addict.) I have been in therapy over the years and was even placed on medications for things like depression, anxiety attacks, and PTSD from my teen years of abuse. I attended classes for families of drug users at a point as well. I found the therapy and such to be helpful. Keep in mind though that even without him being on drugs it can be a tough road for him. I never used drugs or alcoholism etc because I was so put off from it because of the abuse. I did however have multiple psychological issues for some time including night terrors, anxiety attacks, and a general paranoia of being attacked particularly at night when most of the abuse had happened. Check with the school also. I had a great school counselor as a teen that I saw and she was very helpful. It was easier for my mother as well as I saw her during school hours and it was part of the school program so less money (if any?).

I commend you for even considering this but I agree that it would be worse on the child to be taken in and then abandoned than it would to be left alone so if you do it be sure you can do it for the long haul. Get a lawyer, get legal papers of some kind. Take the child for medical checkups and talk to the school. Get him in therapy immediately. If you can manage it finding him some decent friends or an activity or two can go a long way to providing some normalcy for him to help recover and feel more like a kid again. I would definitely not entertain the idea of him spending long periods of time with the dad... supervised short visits only. If he's abusive on drugs and feels lose of control when the kid doesn't live with him he could really get dangerous if he gets his hand on the boy. I know I'm new here but if you want to chat or need help brainstorming ideas I've been there and would help any way I can. Good luck!
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« Reply #17 on: December 16, 2013, 05:06:47 PM »

My wife's 15 year old nephew is living in a bad place. His dad is a drug addict and abuses him. My wife wants him to move in with us, which I'm not opposed to. I have some reservations about it. If we allow him to move in with us then financially I don't know if we can handle it. I also have to worry about his drug addict dad coming over in drug-induced rages.

I spoke with my wife and said I would agree to it if his dad and/or his grandmother would help us financially. She agreed. The boy said he would like to stay with us during the week and go home on the weekends. I asked my wife how this would work out financially for us based on what we agreed on.  She began saying things like "its the Christian thing to do" and what will God think of me if I don't agree to it".

Do you guys think I should step out in faith financially for the boys sake or is it ok to stick to our original agreement on the finances?

It might be advisable to contact Child Protective Services and get foster kinship.

Yeah, put this kid through the government system.  Great idea.  If family wants and can help, then they should. That's what family is for.  Or do you just instinctively prefer the state taking "care" of children?
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