Yeah, hey, don't get down on yourself. Go to the Liturgy, pray, seek spiritual guidance, and by all means, never forget-there are assuredly people who have sinned greater than you who will be forgiven in the end (just as we all will, insha' Allah!). I think that most of us, having grown up in this shipwreck society can share plenty of painful stories and memories that we're not particularly proud of. Like the others said, I may not know exactly where you're coming from, but I bet I have an idea. PM me or email me if you need to talk!