Im really just wanting Christ to become real to me, I dont want to believe in a threory or an ideology. I know my sins, I know what the Orthodox say about life...I really need this transformation, I want to become clean, if baptism really works
i fully relate to this need. you will not find this in any books, nor on an internet forum (on the latter, though, what you will find is caring people who seek to help you
so this was not in vain!). my advice: attend a liturgy, and simply bask in the beauty and the weight of it. pay attention to the prayers being prayed, but also the manner in which they are prayed. keep all of your senses open - you will not regret it. try not to judge it as "too unfamiliar" (which was what i did on my first visit to a liturgy), but rather seek in that unfamiliarity a glimpse of the Kingdom of Heaven, which is what the liturgy is a taste of here on earth. then afterwards, try to schedule a time to talk to the priest about This which you crave, and im sure he will be able to help you start in the right direction. but simply attending a liturgy i think is the first and easiest step, and hopefully it will spur you on to the next one
please keep us updated on your search - you will be in my prayers!
go to www.OCA.org
and search the parish directory for your area...if there are no OCA churches in your area, then come back here and someone can help you find a link to where you can search for other Orthodox churches as well. God be with you!
(and He is