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Author Topic: Half Dead, Half Evil  (Read 1283 times) Average Rating: 0
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LaoudenSwain
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« on: February 04, 2005, 06:00:34 PM »

I have lead an evil life. I grew up participating in many things contrary to good. Now that I am beginning to start believing that christianity could be true, I find myself half dead and sick all the time from over a decade of poisoning my body. Now that I am being taught what is good and to do the good, I find the other half of me to be a rebel and I jump into sin with glee for a time, only to come out angry with myself for doing so.

I need a real solution and a real answer to my life and the meaning of all this. If christianity is true and I was enlightened somehow, I would be willing to give up my life today to God....but would I still choose to run the other way? I Love and Hate myself. I do not know what to do.
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Bogoliubtsy
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« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2005, 06:05:44 PM »

Dear LaoudenSwain,

Believe it or not, there are many people who have now, or have had in the past feelings similar to yours. My advice is to contact an Orthodox priest in your area, start attending services, and just pray! It sounds almost too simple to be the answer, but it will really make the difference. We're all sinners, we all struggle and fall. Some of our greatest saints started out as much greater sinners than you, I'm sure. Christ heals.
Feel free to contact me off list. Maybe I know your area and could suggest a good parish.
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"When you give food to the poor, they call you a saint. When you ask why the poor have no food, they call you a communist". - Archbishop Hélder Pessoa Câmara
Matthew777
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« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2005, 06:06:02 PM »

I was a teenage dope fiend. I'm glad that Christ has given me a second chance at life. I can empathize with your struggle.
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He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how. - Friedrich Nietzsche
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Ian Lazarus
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« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2005, 07:38:13 PM »

We have all fallen short. We are all sinners.  The Church is our hosiptal from whence we recieve redemption.  God is patient and long suffering.  Be confident and be not affraid.  Sometimes it takes baby steps.  Sometimes it takes long leaps of faith.  Hang in there.  God Loves you.

The worst of sinners,

Ian Lazarus :grommit:
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« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2005, 08:05:01 PM »

Yeah, hey, don't get down on yourself.  Go to the Liturgy, pray, seek spiritual guidance, and by all means, never forget-there are assuredly people who have sinned greater than you who will be forgiven in the end (just as we all will, insha' Allah!).  I think that most of us, having grown up in this shipwreck society can share plenty of painful stories and memories that we're not particularly proud of.  Like the others said, I may not know exactly where you're coming from, but I bet I have an idea.  PM me or email me if you need to talk!
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LaoudenSwain
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« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2005, 09:38:45 PM »

Im really just wanting Christ to become real to me, I dont want to believe in a threory or an ideology. I know my sins, I know what the Orthodox say about life...I really need this transformation, I want to become clean, if baptism really works
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Donna Rose
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« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2005, 12:51:48 AM »

Quote
Im really just wanting Christ to become real to me, I dont want to believe in a threory or an ideology. I know my sins, I know what the Orthodox say about life...I really need this transformation, I want to become clean, if baptism really works

i fully relate to this need. you will not find this in any books, nor on an internet forum (on the latter, though, what you will find is caring people who seek to help you Smiley so this was not in vain!). my advice: attend a liturgy, and simply bask in the beauty and the weight of it. pay attention to the prayers being prayed, but also the manner in which they are prayed. keep all of your senses open - you will not regret it. try not to judge it as "too unfamiliar" (which was what i did on my first visit to a liturgy), but rather seek in that unfamiliarity a glimpse of the Kingdom of Heaven, which is what the liturgy is a taste of here on earth. then afterwards, try to schedule a time to talk to the priest about This which you crave, and im sure he will be able to help you start in the right direction. but simply attending a liturgy i think is the first and easiest step, and hopefully it will spur you on to the next one Smiley please keep us updated on your search - you will be in my prayers!

go to www.OCA.org and search the parish directory for your area...if there are no OCA churches in your area, then come back here and someone can help you find a link to where you can search for other Orthodox churches as well. God be with you! Smiley (and He is Wink )
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LaoudenSwain
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« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2005, 04:05:56 PM »

Ive stayed at a Monastery a couple times, I just wrote asking to come back. It is just like torment though right now, mentally and physically. Im going to ask a blessing to live there. I just wrote on here to find some answers, break the loneliness, help get the doubts to leave. Some sort of let-up.
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