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Anastasia1
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« on: June 24, 2013, 12:53:14 AM »

Is it better to date the guy who you are good friends with but wants a little more different life than you do or the guy you don't know well but who has similar life-style/life-style aspirations to what you want?
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« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2013, 01:14:24 AM »

I don't know if one is "better" than the other in a philosophical sense, but you have to ask yourself what is more important to you, especially in a marriage?  Remember, marriage is sacrifice and submission to one another as Christ humbled Himself and sacrificed Himself for the good of the church.  Either way you go, sacrifice is going to be required. You just have to know which you're willing to sacrifice if these are the only two options available to you.
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« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2013, 01:37:07 AM »

It depends upon the differences. People change over time.

Example:
I didn't to ever have children. I married a man that didn't want to have children. We both changed our minds and have 6 children now. When we married we wanted to be in a very, very different place in life than we are now. But we are very happy we aren't where we had always planned to be.
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« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2013, 03:54:14 AM »

It's not either or.

It is dating. Date both.

Decide who you like best, not what theory you like the best.

I know figuring out who you might want to spend your life with by spending time with them is novel concept perhaps to some who believe life is lived by the extrapolation of decisions from principles run through some morality compiler.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2013, 03:54:45 AM by orthonorm » Logged

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« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2013, 04:04:40 AM »

It's not either or.

It is dating. Date both.

Decide who you like best, not what theory you like the best.

I know figuring out who you might want to spend your life with by spending time with them is novel concept perhaps to some who believe life is lived by the extrapolation of decisions from principles run through some morality compiler.
Not sure how things would go with someone else or how they would feel about me dating multiple guys, but the guy I have been friends with for a few years and who has been in love with me for six months would to my understanding want to be exclusive, thus there is no both.
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« Reply #5 on: June 24, 2013, 04:08:31 AM »

It's not either or.

It is dating. Date both.

Decide who you like best, not what theory you like the best.

I know figuring out who you might want to spend your life with by spending time with them is novel concept perhaps to some who believe life is lived by the extrapolation of decisions from principles run through some morality compiler.
Not sure how things would go with someone else or how they would feel about me dating multiple guys, but the guy I have been friends with for a few years and who has been in love with me for six months would to my understanding want to be exclusive, thus there is no both.

Dating ain't a commitment.

If a guy is insecure about your dating others without having any commitment from you, I would pass.

But hey its your life and if you think decision by oc.net consensus is helpful have at it.

Oh since you are looking for oc.net consensus, I wouldn't be really thrilled about someone who has been "in love" with me for six months while we have been "friends".

No thanks.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2013, 04:08:54 AM by orthonorm » Logged

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« Reply #6 on: June 24, 2013, 05:24:04 AM »

don't date either.
stay friends with both. hang out with either of them in the presence of other friends and get to know each of them better.
if you are not sure which one you want to be with, you are not ready for a serious relationship with either of them.
may God guide u and give u His peace.
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« Reply #7 on: June 24, 2013, 08:52:16 AM »

don't date either.
stay friends with both. hang out with either of them in the presence of other friends and get to know each of them better.
if you are not sure which one you want to be with, you are not ready for a serious relationship with either of them.
may God guide u and give u His peace.

What you mean is 'get to know the other one more'.  She is already good friends with the first one. 

Getting to know a bit more about the other one is probably a good idea.  Right now your lack of knowledge about him is why this is still a balanced equation.  If you can change it from "guy I know/different lifestyle" vs "guy I don't know/same lifestyle" into "guy I know with different lifestyle" vs "guy I know with same lifestyle" then it gets a bit easier to decide.   Wink  Also, if you get to know him them it might show some unacceptable traits and then you still have current friend.

Also, you need to discern if the lifestyle choices the other one has are going to make things impossible.  It might be worth discussing these things with him.  I guess knowing what you mean by "lifestyle" is also important.  If these are immutable personality traits then there could be problems regardless of any promises to "change".
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« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2013, 04:38:17 PM »

It's not either or.

It is dating. Date both.

Decide who you like best, not what theory you like the best.

I know figuring out who you might want to spend your life with by spending time with them is novel concept perhaps to some who believe life is lived by the extrapolation of decisions from principles run through some morality compiler.

I agree with orthonorm.

Unless you think dating means sex, in which case I would suggest you rethink your definition.

Dating is getting together with someone to get to know them better. It isn't about fondling each other as often as possible.
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« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2013, 10:06:01 PM »

I can't tell without pics of all three involved  Smiley
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« Reply #10 on: June 25, 2013, 10:06:55 PM »

I can't tell without pics of all three involved  Smiley

I applaud you, sir. 
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« Reply #11 on: June 25, 2013, 10:11:47 PM »

It's not either or.

It is dating. Date both.

Decide who you like best, not what theory you like the best.

I know figuring out who you might want to spend your life with by spending time with them is novel concept perhaps to some who believe life is lived by the extrapolation of decisions from principles run through some morality compiler.
Not sure how things would go with someone else or how they would feel about me dating multiple guys, but the guy I have been friends with for a few years and who has been in love with me for six months would to my understanding want to be exclusive, thus there is no both.

Dating ain't a commitment.

If a guy is insecure about your dating others without having any commitment from you, I would pass.

But hey its your life and if you think decision by oc.net consensus is helpful have at it.

Oh since you are looking for oc.net consensus, I wouldn't be really thrilled about someone who has been "in love" with me for six months while we have been "friends".

No thanks.
That guy and I dated a little three years ago and then were friends. We've been friends for three years. He's been in love with me for 6 months.
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« Reply #12 on: June 25, 2013, 10:31:57 PM »

What you mean is 'get to know the other one more'.  She is already good friends with the first one.  

Getting to know a bit more about the other one is probably a good idea.  Right now your lack of knowledge about him is why this is still a balanced equation.  If you can change it from "guy I know/different lifestyle" vs "guy I don't know/same lifestyle" into "guy I know with different lifestyle" vs "guy I know with same lifestyle" then it gets a bit easier to decide.   Wink  Also, if you get to know him them it might show some unacceptable traits and then you still have current friend.

Also, you need to discern if the lifestyle choices the other one has are going to make things impossible.  It might be worth discussing these things with him.  I guess knowing what you mean by "lifestyle" is also important.  If these are immutable personality traits then there could be problems regardless of any promises to "change".
I'm doubt I will have the current friend. He and I had a fight, sort of, and I don't think he is interested in staying just friends with me unless it is something more. He's a nice guy, genuinely cares for me, wants a small town life with a family and has a little less ambition than I, small town, small company engineer/wanna be husband and eventually a father. He is definitively Roman rite, white guy, but accepting of eastern Christianity and stuff. One of my friends thinks he is a great guy, and worth keeping. He wants to eventually have four kids. (He is mildly OCD, and I am ADHD.) I do meet similar guys every once in a while, and on some level feel like that is what I am supposed to end up with, but I don't know if I would have to give up too much for that.

His fiance knows another guy whom I do not know much about, but let's say he may represent others as well. His dad is high up in a big company and this guy has a good job, and is friends with the more capitalist friend. (Don't know this particular guy's faith, but this friend is Catholic and knows I am Orthodox and religious.)

I recently decided that I want to start a small business and or non-profit unless I get a really busy or great job and I want to be able to afford to travel at some point. I hope I'm not being shallow here. I spent jr. high and part of high school reading travel guides, dreaming of adventures, just didn't know how to do it or believe that I could. I grew up in a mobile home park, and then had a parent get sick.

I was described a year or two ago as a rural personality with urban tastes. I have to preschedule any evening outings because of family right now, and make slightly above minimum wage, but am working on changing that.
« Last Edit: June 25, 2013, 10:38:23 PM by Anastasia1 » Logged

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« Reply #13 on: June 26, 2013, 07:08:52 AM »

Just date JamesR.

You will get more mileage out of him than your new car.

Are you even sexually attracted to your friend? I wouldn't even bother. I know orthonorm downplays sex as being overrated, but I don't see how you could date someone if you did not find them sexually attractive. Unless you are like an asexual type or something.

And you already had a fight, over what exactly?

You don't have to answer that, obviously.

I guess dudes with good jobs are a turn on here? I mean you aren't Ayn Rand, which is a plus, but maybe you can find a dude that would help jumpstart your business too. Both business and pleasure...

What exactly is a "rural personality"? Is that a nice way of saying redneck? I'm geniuenly curious and have no idea. Urban tastes...such as? Shopping at Macys?

I have no problem knowing exactly what I want from a girl, the problem I have is breaking hearts. So don't do what I do.
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« Reply #14 on: June 26, 2013, 07:08:52 AM »

That guy and I dated a little three years ago and then were friends. We've been friends for three years. He's been in love with me for 6 months.
No guy likes to be friendzoned.

Just FYI.
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« Reply #15 on: June 26, 2013, 07:08:52 AM »

the extrapolation of decisions from principles run through some morality compiler.
Who needs morality when God will give you whatever the hell you want, no matter how selfishly self-centered you are? Hey if Joyce got that Gulfstream, so can I? That's on my heart bro.

No woman has my heart, so God can burden my cross even more so.
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« Reply #16 on: June 26, 2013, 09:20:07 AM »

What you mean is 'get to know the other one more'.  She is already good friends with the first one.  

Getting to know a bit more about the other one is probably a good idea.  Right now your lack of knowledge about him is why this is still a balanced equation.  If you can change it from "guy I know/different lifestyle" vs "guy I don't know/same lifestyle" into "guy I know with different lifestyle" vs "guy I know with same lifestyle" then it gets a bit easier to decide.   Wink  Also, if you get to know him them it might show some unacceptable traits and then you still have current friend.

Also, you need to discern if the lifestyle choices the other one has are going to make things impossible.  It might be worth discussing these things with him.  I guess knowing what you mean by "lifestyle" is also important.  If these are immutable personality traits then there could be problems regardless of any promises to "change".
I'm doubt I will have the current friend. He and I had a fight, sort of, and I don't think he is interested in staying just friends with me unless it is something more. He's a nice guy, genuinely cares for me, wants a small town life with a family and has a little less ambition than I, small town, small company engineer/wanna be husband and eventually a father. He is definitively Roman rite, white guy, but accepting of eastern Christianity and stuff. One of my friends thinks he is a great guy, and worth keeping. He wants to eventually have four kids. (He is mildly OCD, and I am ADHD.) I do meet similar guys every once in a while, and on some level feel like that is what I am supposed to end up with, but I don't know if I would have to give up too much for that.

His fiance knows another guy whom I do not know much about, but let's say he may represent others as well. His dad is high up in a big company and this guy has a good job, and is friends with the more capitalist friend. (Don't know this particular guy's faith, but this friend is Catholic and knows I am Orthodox and religious.)

I recently decided that I want to start a small business and or non-profit unless I get a really busy or great job and I want to be able to afford to travel at some point. I hope I'm not being shallow here. I spent jr. high and part of high school reading travel guides, dreaming of adventures, just didn't know how to do it or believe that I could. I grew up in a mobile home park, and then had a parent get sick.

I was described a year or two ago as a rural personality with urban tastes. I have to preschedule any evening outings because of family right now, and make slightly above minimum wage, but am working on changing that.

Achronos brings up some good points.  If he is friendzoned, he is trying to find a way out of it.  If he finds a replacement for you, don't expect the friendship to last much longer than that.  It might, but don't bet more than $20 on it.

Mystery guy is an unknown variable.  Nothing can be said.

As for life choices, you are at the Rubicon and now you must cast the dice.  Weigh your options and decide which one is more important to you - a family and a relationship or a career.  There is a chance you can have both but there is an equally likely chance that you won't.  This is why it is important to make a hierarchy and then go for that, but note that once the die is cast you may not be able to change your mind and the hurdles may become insurmountable.  Owning a business will take up a lot of energy from you and will devour your time. 
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« Reply #17 on: June 26, 2013, 12:29:54 PM »

I'm doubt I will have the current friend. He and I had a fight, sort of, and I don't think he is interested in staying just friends with me unless it is something more. He's a nice guy, genuinely cares for me, wants a small town life with a family and has a little less ambition than I, small town, small company engineer/wanna be husband and eventually a father. He is definitively Roman rite, white guy, but accepting of eastern Christianity and stuff. One of my friends thinks he is a great guy, and worth keeping. He wants to eventually have four kids. (He is mildly OCD, and I am ADHD.) I do meet similar guys every once in a while, and on some level feel like that is what I am supposed to end up with, but I don't know if I would have to give up too much for that.

His fiance knows another guy whom I do not know much about, but let's say he may represent others as well. His dad is high up in a big company and this guy has a good job, and is friends with the more capitalist friend. (Don't know this particular guy's faith, but this friend is Catholic and knows I am Orthodox and religious.)

I recently decided that I want to start a small business and or non-profit unless I get a really busy or great job and I want to be able to afford to travel at some point. I hope I'm not being shallow here. I spent jr. high and part of high school reading travel guides, dreaming of adventures, just didn't know how to do it or believe that I could. I grew up in a mobile home park, and then had a parent get sick.

I was described a year or two ago as a rural personality with urban tastes. I have to preschedule any evening outings because of family right now, and make slightly above minimum wage, but am working on changing that.

Your friend who wants to be more than a friend already has a fiance?

As to advice, listen to Vamrat.
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« Reply #18 on: June 26, 2013, 02:29:35 PM »

Your friend who wants to be more than a friend already has a fiance?
A lady once complained to me that all her husband did was "drink, drink, drink... he's sloppy drunk every single day and I'm just sick of it all."

In the course of the conversation I happened to ask (not fishing, just by chance) where they met. "In a bar" she said.
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« Reply #19 on: June 26, 2013, 02:49:46 PM »

I'm doubt I will have the current friend. He and I had a fight, sort of, and I don't think he is interested in staying just friends with me unless it is something more. He's a nice guy, genuinely cares for me, wants a small town life with a family and has a little less ambition than I, small town, small company engineer/wanna be husband and eventually a father. He is definitively Roman rite, white guy, but accepting of eastern Christianity and stuff. One of my friends thinks he is a great guy, and worth keeping. He wants to eventually have four kids. (He is mildly OCD, and I am ADHD.) I do meet similar guys every once in a while, and on some level feel like that is what I am supposed to end up with, but I don't know if I would have to give up too much for that.

His fiance knows another guy whom I do not know much about, but let's say he may represent others as well. His dad is high up in a big company and this guy has a good job, and is friends with the more capitalist friend. (Don't know this particular guy's faith, but this friend is Catholic and knows I am Orthodox and religious.)


I recently decided that I want to start a small business and or non-profit unless I get a really busy or great job and I want to be able to afford to travel at some point. I hope I'm not being shallow here. I spent jr. high and part of high school reading travel guides, dreaming of adventures, just didn't know how to do it or believe that I could. I grew up in a mobile home park, and then had a parent get sick.

I was described a year or two ago as a rural personality with urban tastes. I have to preschedule any evening outings because of family right now, and make slightly above minimum wage, but am working on changing that.

Your friend who wants to be more than a friend already has a fiance?

As to advice, listen to Vamrat.

yeah in addition to clarifying that Anastasia, can you answer Achronos's first question about sexual attraction?

he might love you and that might feel good for one's ego but the real question is do you or can you return the sentiment?

I too had trouble understanding those sentences I have highlighted in addition to what tuesdayschild did.

and I agree, excellent advice Vamrat, especially his last paragraph Anastasia.
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« Reply #20 on: June 26, 2013, 09:29:57 PM »

I'm doubt I will have the current friend. B and I had a fight, sort of, and I don't think B is interested in staying just friends with me unless it is something more. B's a nice guy, genuinely cares for me, wants a small town life with a family and has a little less ambition than I, small town, small company engineer/wanna be husband and eventually a father. B is definitively Roman rite, white guy, but accepting of eastern Christianity and stuff. One of my friends (E) thinks B is a great guy, and worth keeping. B wants to eventually have four kids. (B is mildly OCD, and I am ADHD.) I do meet similar guys every once in a while, and on some level feel like that is what I am supposed to end up with, but I don't know if I would have to give up too much for that.

E's fiance (K) knows another guy whom I do not know much about, but let's say he (x) may represent others as well. X's dad is high up in a big company, and X has a good job, and is friends with the more capitalist friend. (Don't know this particular guy's faith, but this friend (K) is Catholic and knows I am Orthodox and religious.)


I recently decided that I want to start a small business and or non-profit unless I get a really busy or great job and I want to be able to afford to travel at some point. I hope I'm not being shallow here. I spent jr. high and part of high school reading travel guides, dreaming of adventures, just didn't know how to do it or believe that I could. I grew up in a mobile home park, and then had a parent get sick.

I was described a year or two ago as a rural personality with urban tastes. I have to preschedule any evening outings because of family right now, and make slightly above minimum wage, but am working on changing that.

Your friend who wants to be more than a friend already has a fiance?

As to advice, listen to Vamrat.

yeah in addition to clarifying that Anastasia, can you answer Achronos's first question about sexual attraction?

he might love you and that might feel good for one's ego but the real question is do you or can you return the sentiment?

I too had trouble understanding those sentences I have highlighted in addition to what tuesdayschild did.

and I agree, excellent advice Vamrat, especially his last paragraph Anastasia.
I have two friends (E and K) that are engaged and this guy (B) who is in love with me is another guy. Total of three people. The woman in the engaged couple knows another guy (4th person) who the thought of setting me up with had crossed her mind.

This guy that is in love with me, he is sort of cute, but I would be more attracted to him if he was more a bold guy, and a go-getter, less of a quiet little home somewhere with wife and kids and not much else that he needs in life. (Is it bad to say that about such an approach to life?)

The context of urban vs. rural was in asking if I seemed like I belonged more with an urban city guy or a rural country guy.
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« Reply #21 on: June 26, 2013, 09:36:41 PM »

As for life choices, you are at the Rubicon and now you must cast the dice.  Weigh your options and decide which one is more important to you - a family and a relationship or a career.  There is a chance you can have both but there is an equally likely chance that you won't.  This is why it is important to make a hierarchy and then go for that, but note that once the die is cast you may not be able to change your mind and the hurdles may become insurmountable.  Owning a business will take up a lot of energy from you and will devour your time. 
I want to be a soccer mom one day, but I don't want to complete give up on having a career when I have hardly had a decent one so far and it is just beginning to get good, and especially when the future dominant family provider has been more concerned with finding a wife than growing the career he would care for his children with.
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« Reply #22 on: June 26, 2013, 09:50:04 PM »

I guess dudes with good jobs are a turn on here? I mean you aren't Ayn Rand, which is a plus, but maybe you can find a dude that would help jumpstart your business too. Both business and pleasure...
How does Ayn Rand fit in?

The most sexually attractive celebrity guys I know of that I would not date are Jose Mourinho and Stephen Colbert. Very confident (at least to the audience), honorary graduate degrees, highly successful, brunette, average height, fit-looking build, well-dressed-is there anything more attractive on a guy than dress clothing, especially well-tailored dress clothing?

That guy and I dated a little three years ago and then were friends. We've been friends for three years. He's been in love with me for 6 months.
No guy likes to be friendzoned.

Just FYI.
B originally broke up with me. Then said that he loved me two years later, then I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with him because I was still thinking over what I wanted in a guy.
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« Reply #23 on: June 26, 2013, 10:20:02 PM »

The most sexually attractive celebrity guys I know of that I would not date are Jose Mourinho and Stephen Colbert.

Colbert is sexy?  Even with those ears?  Tongue
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« Reply #24 on: June 26, 2013, 10:26:33 PM »

The most sexually attractive celebrity guys I know of that I would not date are Jose Mourinho and Stephen Colbert.

Colbert is sexy?  Even with those ears?  Tongue

He's confident, charismatic and smooth... that's essentially the same as sexy for most women Huh
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« Reply #25 on: June 26, 2013, 10:37:05 PM »

If the OP won't date Colbert, would she date David Letterman or Jimmy Fallon?
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« Reply #26 on: June 27, 2013, 08:49:49 AM »

As for life choices, you are at the Rubicon and now you must cast the dice.  Weigh your options and decide which one is more important to you - a family and a relationship or a career.  There is a chance you can have both but there is an equally likely chance that you won't.  This is why it is important to make a hierarchy and then go for that, but note that once the die is cast you may not be able to change your mind and the hurdles may become insurmountable.  Owning a business will take up a lot of energy from you and will devour your time. 
I want to be a soccer mom one day, but I don't want to complete give up on having a career when I have hardly had a decent one so far and it is just beginning to get good,

Just decide which one is most important and accept that the second place one might not come true.  The point is to acheive maximum happiness from whichever one you put the most effort towards.  If you do get both and one of the two is stressed, your hierarchy should help you to handle it.  Keep in mind that if you do go for the husband and children route, the family should ALWAYS come before the career.  If one has to go, it is better to not ruin the lives of several other people.  Employees are infinitely replaceable (right to work laws prove this) a mother/wife really isn't.  Keep this in mind when determining your hierarchy. 

Quote
and especially when the future dominant family provider has been more concerned with finding a wife than growing the career he would care for his children with.

Too many men these days think that "Disregard females, acquire currency" is a joke.  Rather, it is the best advice floating around out there for men under 30.
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« Reply #27 on: June 27, 2013, 09:55:49 AM »

As for life choices, you are at the Rubicon and now you must cast the dice.  Weigh your options and decide which one is more important to you - a family and a relationship or a career.  There is a chance you can have both but there is an equally likely chance that you won't.  This is why it is important to make a hierarchy and then go for that, but note that once the die is cast you may not be able to change your mind and the hurdles may become insurmountable.  Owning a business will take up a lot of energy from you and will devour your time.  
I want to be a soccer mom one day, but I don't want to complete give up on having a career when I have hardly had a decent one so far and it is just beginning to get good,

Just decide which one is most important and accept that the second place one might not come true.  The point is to acheive maximum happiness from whichever one you put the most effort towards.  If you do get both and one of the two is stressed, your hierarchy should help you to handle it.  Keep in mind that if you do go for the husband and children route, the family should ALWAYS come before the career.  If one has to go, it is better to not ruin the lives of several other people.  Employees are infinitely replaceable (right to work laws prove this) a mother/wife really isn't.  Keep this in mind when determining your hierarchy.  

Quote
and especially when the future dominant family provider has been more concerned with finding a wife than growing the career he would care for his children with.

Too many men these days think that "Disregard females, acquire currency" is a joke.  Rather, it is the best advice floating around out there for men under 30.

Frankly, your advice throughout this thread is in my opinion is either psychic suicide or psychic styrofoam. And I am not sure if I know the difference between the two.

Achieving maximum happiness? I don't think even Benthem managed utter such a depressing maximum. Maybe he did. I am not sure that happy quite had the same connotation in his day.

Oh well. But everyone knows no one hardly ever listens to advice anyway.
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« Reply #28 on: June 27, 2013, 10:13:52 AM »

As for life choices, you are at the Rubicon and now you must cast the dice.  Weigh your options and decide which one is more important to you - a family and a relationship or a career.  There is a chance you can have both but there is an equally likely chance that you won't.  This is why it is important to make a hierarchy and then go for that, but note that once the die is cast you may not be able to change your mind and the hurdles may become insurmountable.  Owning a business will take up a lot of energy from you and will devour your time.  
I want to be a soccer mom one day, but I don't want to complete give up on having a career when I have hardly had a decent one so far and it is just beginning to get good,

Just decide which one is most important and accept that the second place one might not come true.  The point is to acheive maximum happiness from whichever one you put the most effort towards.  If you do get both and one of the two is stressed, your hierarchy should help you to handle it.  Keep in mind that if you do go for the husband and children route, the family should ALWAYS come before the career.  If one has to go, it is better to not ruin the lives of several other people.  Employees are infinitely replaceable (right to work laws prove this) a mother/wife really isn't.  Keep this in mind when determining your hierarchy.  

Quote
and especially when the future dominant family provider has been more concerned with finding a wife than growing the career he would care for his children with.

Too many men these days think that "Disregard females, acquire currency" is a joke.  Rather, it is the best advice floating around out there for men under 30.

Frankly, your advice throughout this thread is in my opinion is either psychic suicide or psychic styrofoam. And I am not sure if I know the difference between the two.

Don't worry.  Neither do I.

Quote
Achieving maximum happiness? I don't think even Benthem managed utter such a depressing maximum. Maybe he did. I am not sure that happy quite had the same connotation in his day.

I would have said "maximum gaiety" but I didn't want an overzealous mod to think I was waxing political.

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Oh well. But everyone knows no one hardly ever listens to advice anyway.

'Twas better to have fought and lost than not have fought at all.
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« Reply #29 on: June 27, 2013, 10:34:57 AM »

I'm doubt I will have the current friend. B and I had a fight, sort of, and I don't think B is interested in staying just friends with me unless it is something more. B's a nice guy, genuinely cares for me, wants a small town life with a family and has a little less ambition than I, small town, small company engineer/wanna be husband and eventually a father. B is definitively Roman rite, white guy, but accepting of eastern Christianity and stuff. One of my friends (E) thinks B is a great guy, and worth keeping. B wants to eventually have four kids. (B is mildly OCD, and I am ADHD.) I do meet similar guys every once in a while, and on some level feel like that is what I am supposed to end up with, but I don't know if I would have to give up too much for that.

E's fiance (K) knows another guy whom I do not know much about, but let's say he (x) may represent others as well. X's dad is high up in a big company, and X has a good job, and is friends with the more capitalist friend. (Don't know this particular guy's faith, but this friend (K) is Catholic and knows I am Orthodox and religious.)


I recently decided that I want to start a small business and or non-profit unless I get a really busy or great job and I want to be able to afford to travel at some point. I hope I'm not being shallow here. I spent jr. high and part of high school reading travel guides, dreaming of adventures, just didn't know how to do it or believe that I could. I grew up in a mobile home park, and then had a parent get sick.

I was described a year or two ago as a rural personality with urban tastes. I have to preschedule any evening outings because of family right now, and make slightly above minimum wage, but am working on changing that.

Your friend who wants to be more than a friend already has a fiance?

As to advice, listen to Vamrat.

yeah in addition to clarifying that Anastasia, can you answer Achronos's first question about sexual attraction?

he might love you and that might feel good for one's ego but the real question is do you or can you return the sentiment?

I too had trouble understanding those sentences I have highlighted in addition to what tuesdayschild did.

and I agree, excellent advice Vamrat, especially his last paragraph Anastasia.
I have two friends (E and K) that are engaged and this guy (B) who is in love with me is another guy. Total of three people. The woman in the engaged couple knows another guy (4th person) who the thought of setting me up with had crossed her mind.

This guy that is in love with me, he is sort of cute, but I would be more attracted to him if he was more a bold guy, and a go-getter, less of a quiet little home somewhere with wife and kids and not much else that he needs in life. (Is it bad to say that about such an approach to life?)

The context of urban vs. rural was in asking if I seemed like I belonged more with an urban city guy or a rural country guy.

Thank you for clarifying, Anastasia1.

Regarding your friend B, you describe him as Roman Rite but accepting of eastern Christianity, a mildly OCD engineer (imagine that!) wanting the small town family life.  And you don't want him? Okay. I know a couple of cute young ladies that are looking for a stable, employed, devout Christian man. PM his contact info. If he plays his cards right, he might just find himself in a frivorce-proof marriage to a sweet little homemaker.
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« Reply #30 on: June 27, 2013, 02:33:49 PM »

That guy and I dated a little three years ago and then were friends. We've been friends for three years. He's been in love with me for 6 months.
Did he 'declare his love' six months ago, or get friendly then, or what?

Tha sounds rather odd.
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« Reply #31 on: June 27, 2013, 04:19:59 PM »

when i was 15 i started to think about marriage.
i knew 2 guys who were Christian and who were within 2 years of my age. (it was a mainly pagan / atheist town).
i spent ages agonising over whether i wanted to be with the more spiritual one who had terrible achne but was kind, or the good looking one who only went to Christian meetings when he had too.
after a few months, i realised that these kind of deliberations indicated that i was way off being ready and i allowed myself to loose touch with both guys.
i decided to not think about guys at all until i was 18!

now i know you are older than 18, but i'm sharing my experience in case it is useful, and instead of asking you too many personal questions.

also sending u p.m. so u can see the story had a happy ending!
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« Reply #32 on: June 27, 2013, 05:23:20 PM »

Date the Orthodox one if not, the friend.
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« Reply #33 on: June 28, 2013, 01:38:15 AM »

That guy and I dated a little three years ago and then were friends. We've been friends for three years. He's been in love with me for 6 months.
Did he 'declare his love' six months ago, or get friendly then, or what?

Tha sounds rather odd.
He declared his love after a dinner out with a group of my friends and again the other night. I suspected he liked me already, but he also stayed a good friend after he broke up with me like 2.5 years ago (wanted someone more Catholic).
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« Reply #34 on: June 28, 2013, 03:46:41 PM »

You know where you can find lots of great single men?  Monasteries. 

Its like shooting fish in a barrel.  Grin
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« Reply #35 on: June 28, 2013, 07:07:04 PM »

That guy and I dated a little three years ago and then were friends. We've been friends for three years. He's been in love with me for 6 months.
Did he 'declare his love' six months ago, or get friendly then, or what?

Tha sounds rather odd.
He declared his love after a dinner out with a group of my friends and again the other night. I suspected he liked me already, but he also stayed a good friend after he broke up with me like 2.5 years ago (wanted someone more Catholic).
Sounds like a lot of trouble to me. But who knows.
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« Reply #36 on: June 29, 2013, 10:11:20 AM »

I'm doubt I will have the current friend. B and I had a fight, sort of, and I don't think B is interested in staying just friends with me unless it is something more. B's a nice guy, genuinely cares for me, wants a small town life with a family and has a little less ambition than I, small town, small company engineer/wanna be husband and eventually a father. B is definitively Roman rite, white guy, but accepting of eastern Christianity and stuff. One of my friends (E) thinks B is a great guy, and worth keeping. B wants to eventually have four kids. (B is mildly OCD, and I am ADHD.) I do meet similar guys every once in a while, and on some level feel like that is what I am supposed to end up with, but I don't know if I would have to give up too much for that.

E's fiance (K) knows another guy whom I do not know much about, but let's say he (x) may represent others as well. X's dad is high up in a big company, and X has a good job, and is friends with the more capitalist friend. (Don't know this particular guy's faith, but this friend (K) is Catholic and knows I am Orthodox and religious.)


I recently decided that I want to start a small business and or non-profit unless I get a really busy or great job and I want to be able to afford to travel at some point. I hope I'm not being shallow here. I spent jr. high and part of high school reading travel guides, dreaming of adventures, just didn't know how to do it or believe that I could. I grew up in a mobile home park, and then had a parent get sick.

I was described a year or two ago as a rural personality with urban tastes. I have to preschedule any evening outings because of family right now, and make slightly above minimum wage, but am working on changing that.

Your friend who wants to be more than a friend already has a fiance?

As to advice, listen to Vamrat.

yeah in addition to clarifying that Anastasia, can you answer Achronos's first question about sexual attraction?

he might love you and that might feel good for one's ego but the real question is do you or can you return the sentiment?

I too had trouble understanding those sentences I have highlighted in addition to what tuesdayschild did.

and I agree, excellent advice Vamrat, especially his last paragraph Anastasia.
I have two friends (E and K) that are engaged and this guy (B) who is in love with me is another guy. Total of three people. The woman in the engaged couple knows another guy (4th person) who the thought of setting me up with had crossed her mind.

This guy that is in love with me, he is sort of cute, but I would be more attracted to him if he was more a bold guy, and a go-getter, less of a quiet little home somewhere with wife and kids and not much else that he needs in life. (Is it bad to say that about such an approach to life?)

The context of urban vs. rural was in asking if I seemed like I belonged more with an urban city guy or a rural country guy.

Thank you for the clarification Anastasia.

Anastasia , I don’t know how serious your question was or whether or not it was a rhetorical one, but in case it was a serious one I find it to be very difficult to answer without who I am coloring my perspective into a knee jerk reply. So let me just say because of that difficulty I am going to take a while in making my point, so please bear with me.


From an evolutionary perspective at least, your approach towards relationships and what you find attractive and worth pursuing makes a perfect sense.  Where survival is at stake, things get basic. However, fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, the human being is quite a complex creature. In addition to All the basic instincts or drives for safety and survival  humans have other higher instincts as well that are as much part of what and who they are as the basic ones they share with all life on this planet. The part of them that seeks purpose, truth, beauty, love etc. is a powerful drive even trumping the survival drive.so fair warning, the ancient maxim ‘ know thyself’ is as profound now as it was then.


Seeing as you are into business, I am sure you know about the concept of opportunity cost. I am not pitching for either your friend or the other guy you talked about, but to address the general point of what you described as flaws in your friend as it relates to your question. Your friend wants what some might describe as ‘ the simple life’ but depending on how you look at it, there is nothing simple about it , it is the grand life, a very demanding life one that demands everything from a man or a woman.  so lets compare between the man who makes his family first in his heart vs the go getter who rather amass wealth and power and then accessorize with a family unit that suits his image.

The opportunity cost of going along with a man who makes his career first is immense. If and I say if what you had in mind is making such a man make you be first in his life, then there lies the contradiction of what you seek. Changing him is a risk you will take in that failure means incalculable consequences. The devastation such a man or a woman leaves is indescribable; life is full of ugly examples of it. When you add kids to the mix, no matter how many soccer games you take them to, no matter how much of their material needs are fulfilled, that higher drive I mentioned would not let them be content without the proper balance of love, devotion, respect etc. from both their parents toward one another and towards them. His family is and will remain second in many ways than one, they will be trophies, among many trophies such power and influence offers him.


The opportunity cost of finding a man who loves his family above all other things that this world offers him, is knowing that he will demand the same from you.  He might not be a millionaire but he will do his very best to provide for his family that includes encouraging and supporting your dreams and ambitions …. Because he loves. He might not buy you your dream house, but he will always try to make wherever you are the happiest home you have known… because he loves.  He might not afford that platinum ring you wanted but with the ring he offers you he will give you himself, his love, his fidelity, his protection his trust, his very life… because he loves. He might never become the CEO of a thriving company commanding many under him, but he will definitely be a true father to his kids… because he loves. He might not be able to take you to different places you want to see around the world, but he can send you to a different galaxy with his touch. Need I go on? mention growing old together, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer?  in good times or in the not so pleasant surprises that life throws at us? I fear I am going to tire or bore you too much. In plain terms without adding any other factor such as the role of faith in a person’s life,  I am just saying choose wisely in regard to such approach to life, you have the advantage of your time, you are living in the 21st century. Which gives you the luxury of playing for the highest prize: Love, it holds everything within it.


I will also suggest take time to ‘ know thyself’  I am not talking about the urban vs. rural type of reflection.. ask the big questions  the questions themselves are most often the answers. So good luck my dear Anastasia Smiley
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« Reply #37 on: June 29, 2013, 04:46:14 PM »

What is wrong with me then that I am not as attracted to "the simple life" kind of guys?

And how do I deal with the fact that I take prescription medication and my future children may end up doing the same (though hopefully less), and living out in the desert is bad for my asthma (dust and particulate stuff)?

And how am I supposed to not want any of that other stuff, like a vacation to Europe one day, or should I just give up on relationships for now and adopt one day if I ever get married?
« Last Edit: June 29, 2013, 04:46:39 PM by Anastasia1 » Logged

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« Reply #38 on: June 29, 2013, 05:04:46 PM »

What is wrong with me then that I am not as attracted to "the simple life" kind of guys?

And how do I deal with the fact that I take prescription medication and my future children may end up doing the same (though hopefully less), and living out in the desert is bad for my asthma (dust and particulate stuff)?

And how am I supposed to not want any of that other stuff, like a vacation to Europe one day, or should I just give up on relationships for now and adopt one day if I ever get married?

I was afraid of this my dear Anastasia, this being the fact that I will fail to communicate my point. forgive and please ignore me on this one.Smiley
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« Reply #39 on: June 29, 2013, 06:50:23 PM »

What is wrong with me then that I am not as attracted to "the simple life" kind of guys?

And how do I deal with the fact that I take prescription medication and my future children may end up doing the same (though hopefully less), and living out in the desert is bad for my asthma (dust and particulate stuff)?

And how am I supposed to not want any of that other stuff, like a vacation to Europe one day, or should I just give up on relationships for now and adopt one day if I ever get married?

I was afraid of this my dear Anastasia, this being the fact that I will fail to communicate my point. forgive and please ignore me on this one.Smiley
Is that a reflection of a contradiction between my perception of being told I should want one thing and my actually desires being slightly different and resulting things like threads like this from my difficulty working through it?
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« Reply #40 on: June 29, 2013, 08:39:36 PM »

What is wrong with me then that I am not as attracted to "the simple life" kind of guys?

And how do I deal with the fact that I take prescription medication and my future children may end up doing the same (though hopefully less), and living out in the desert is bad for my asthma (dust and particulate stuff)?

And how am I supposed to not want any of that other stuff, like a vacation to Europe one day, or should I just give up on relationships for now and adopt one day if I ever get married?

I was afraid of this my dear Anastasia, this being the fact that I will fail to communicate my point. forgive and please ignore me on this one.Smiley
Is that a reflection of a contradiction between my perception of being told I should want one thing and my actually desires being slightly different and resulting things like threads like this from my difficulty working through it?

I am sorry Anastasia, telling you who to want was not my intention and in my mind I thought I avoided that audacity, but I see now that perhaps I have not. like you said, who you want, what you want are ultimately yours to decide, threads like this serve a purpose and I admire your openness for getting different perspective. take my comments as one perspective on those types of issues and nothing more. if they help to see things from a different angle fine, if not send them to the recycle bin. my path is certainly not your path and vice versa and life had different things to teach me. I've came across the opulent and the destitute, know life can be beautiful as it is horrible, still I know I am quite naïve on certain things and very stubborn on others.so my perspective is skewed for various reasons. I found replying to your 'is it bad' question difficult for that reason, good or bad is not my place to decide for you. but because you asked , showing you what I see in general was enough for me. ultimately your life, yours to decide on how to live it. that we definitely agree on.
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« Reply #41 on: June 30, 2013, 02:40:17 AM »

I honestly believe that many young women have a perception of what they want in a spouse based upon faulty ideas of what marriage/romance/love/success is.

My husband seems like a quiet guy. He is in general not a real go-getter kind of person. But when it comes to his family he is anything but a quiet unassuming man.

In the long run you want a man that knows when to fight, and when not to fight. A man that fights everything has no concept as to what is truly important. That type of posturing gets really old, really fast. Most of the real go-getter competitive types end up driving me nuts fairly quickly.


And speaking as someone from a relatively small town that moved to a very urban area; you may not like that urban life all that much once you have it. The first few years are alright. After awhile that small town feel is something you miss. In a big urban area there isn't a sense of community. Ideally I would like a suburban life. I would like to live within 30-45 minutes of the city, but not *in* the city.
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« Reply #42 on: July 01, 2013, 08:01:45 AM »

I honestly believe that many young women have a perception of what they want in a spouse based upon faulty ideas of what marriage/romance/love/success is.

My husband seems like a quiet guy. He is in general not a real go-getter kind of person. But when it comes to his family he is anything but a quiet unassuming man.

In the long run you want a man that knows when to fight, and when not to fight. A man that fights everything has no concept as to what is truly important. That type of posturing gets really old, really fast. Most of the real go-getter competitive types end up driving me nuts fairly quickly.


And speaking as someone from a relatively small town that moved to a very urban area; you may not like that urban life all that much once you have it. The first few years are alright. After awhile that small town feel is something you miss. In a big urban area there isn't a sense of community. Ideally I would like a suburban life. I would like to live within 30-45 minutes of the city, but not *in* the city.
I know many young men and women who love the urban life while single, but once you have kids, priorities often change and boring suburbia seems to be the more attractive option.
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« Reply #43 on: July 01, 2013, 08:11:35 AM »

Advice List:

1) Don’t take advice from those too young to give it out.
2) Don’t take advice from someone who immediately asks sexual or sensual questions.  That isn't what it's all about.
3) Date only those you feel are potential mates, no one else. That is sort of the point of dating, yes?
4) Pray about it.  God may have neither of them planned for you.  For instance, are they Orthodox?
5) Don’t rush into anything.
6) Follow your heart as God provides.

« Last Edit: July 01, 2013, 08:17:43 AM by Kerdy » Logged
Anastasia1
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« Reply #44 on: July 01, 2013, 10:23:23 AM »

3) Date only those you feel are potential mates, no one else. That is sort of the point of dating, yes?
No offense intended, but worst dating advice ever. Spat out by Christians and the like to sounds wise but never really answers what could be a good mate. (i.e. heard that one 40 times and followed it since 6 years before I had an opportunity to have a first date.)
« Last Edit: July 01, 2013, 10:24:06 AM by Anastasia1 » Logged

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