I know that this question has been way overdone, and is probably one of the deepest, most confusing theological questions, but I'm still going to ask it anyway. Why did God create us? I know to "become gods" and deification and all that stuff, but, here's a thought. What if we don't want deification? Our only other option is Orthodox Hell. What if we want neither? St. Paul compares this live to a race, and fighting the good fight and all that stuff, but I don't recall ever agreeing to this. I don't recall ever choosing to be born in the middle of a marathon, to have to be involved in a big spiritual battle with only two options. I don't see any freedom at all. What if we would just prefer to cease existing or have never been brought into existence? I'd much rather have never existed than have to live in toil to master my vices.
God created you in His image for dialogue with you, to speak to your heart and have you speak with Him from your heart. And for communion, with humanity and creation, to know and to love and care for them them in His light. To partake of his priesthood, to grant you His grace that you might manifest this in your Person.
But since you know all of this, already, I will speak personally: I struggle with the same question- not abstractly, or even in words but existentially and with groans, as it were... as it seems you do as well. Remember, James, that God didn't make sin and hell (and there is no such thing as Orthodox hell, only an Orthodox understanding of hell
) and He didn't create us to vex and to tempt us. We are tempted of our own sins and the sins of others. These are conditions we accumulate through life in a fallen world and the only way to transcend them is through the Cross.
Call on Him, ask Him to help you love Him that you may better serve Him. Thank Him for everything, as hard as that seems. The pain you are undergoing means you are alive and struggling, which is better than spiritual death. Think of all the spiritually sick people in this world who do not even know or acknowledge that they are sick unto death, who are the cause of their own and others' continual suffering. Pray for them, do good for them and thank God that He has opened your eyes to see your own condition, and the destiny to which you are called.
Believe me, James, you are not the only one who is tempted every day of his life. I'd like to say it gets easier, and in certain ways it does, but it also gets harder. Believe me also when I say that it is easier to struggle in a continual ascent from sin to virtue, than it is to give up and have to begin anew. It is much less painful in the long run to just keep struggling from where you are now.
Those who have abandoned themselves to the will of the flesh and the devil have their crosses too, but they are not unto salvation, because they are borne with selfish despair and ingratitude and when their pleasure comes to an end, as all pleasures do, they have lost their 'god' and their
raison d'etre and must either move on to a new mode of distraction and alienation or give up and forfeit the priceless gift of life. Do not become one of them.
Keep your chin up, soldier, and remember, you are not struggling alone.
