So When is the Age Gap Too Big?

[JamesR]

So in regards to youngsters dating, couples, relationships and marriage and all that crap, how closely aged should the participants be? Preferably, for folks in my age group which I assume would probably be 20 years old and lower. My parents are two years apart and met in elementary school, my dad has a more conservative view on age, stating that he thinks people should be no more than three years apart, whereas my mom has an oddly liberal view, stating that she thinks six years is the maximum, and actually wouldn't feel any fear of me dating a 22 year old, or my sister when she's older dating a boy six years older than her. Would it be odd for me to be romantically interested in the girl at my Church who barely just became a High-School Freshman whereas I am a Junior about to be 17 in February? Or, on the other side of the spectrum, to be interested in the blonde who's about one or two years older than me? Where do we draw the line? And how does religion play a part in all of this. One thought that my mother always tells me (as odd as her views are) is that while a few years may seem like a big gap for people in my age range who are younger, when you become older, it won't be as odd. Quite frankly though, I can't even imagine myself ever with someone younger than me because in my odd big-brother complex, I will always see every female younger than me as being a little girl like my sister for some reason.

[William]

Half + 7

[Asteriktos]

My Mom and current Stepfather are 9 years apart. She and her third husband were 12 years apart. I'd go up to 15 years apart if the situation was right. That may be a few too many years apart for you though  

[Asteriktos]

Half + 7

So James could date a 31 year old? Or am I misunderstanding? 

[Gamliel]

Difficult to say.  I know married couples who are relatively close in age.  I know others who are many years apart. 

[William]

Half + 7

So James could date a 31 year old? Or am I misunderstanding? 

31 / 2 = 15.5

15.5 + 7 = 22.5

[Asteriktos]

sdfsdf

[JamesR]

Half + 7

So James could date a 31 year old? Or am I misunderstanding? 

According to my mom's logic, I could date a 22 year old if I wanted to. I even flat-out asked her and she said yeah. But let's face it, Hell will freeze over before I'm able to land a 22 year old at 16  

[William]

Half + 7

So James could date a 31 year old? Or am I misunderstanding? 

31 / 2 = 15.5

15.5 + 7 = 22.5

What does this mean? James is 16, half of that is 8, plus 7 is 31... 

You add the 7 to half of the original age.

[Asteriktos]

Yeah, I was adding it all together, plus the original age in there. I is dum.

[augustin717]

It's prob best to stick up with people around ur age give or take a few years. My intuition is that statistically that works best. But there are of course happy exceptions to that too. You've got to get this figured out not on a forum but with the actual girl you wanna date . Although I doubt a 22 yo girl would date  a 16 yo guy. At your age time is on your side so no reason to worry all that much.

[JamesR]

Okay I'll just admit it. Part of me is attracted to this girl who's barely a Freshman and is like either 14 1/2 or barely 15 and I'm about to be 17 in February, and I don't know what to do. Part of me says it's not that far apart, but the other big-brother part of me says she's still a little girl like my sister and I'm horrible. And then combine this with the fact that she's Orthodox, has an Orthodox family that's very nice to me (probably attractive since my own family isn't very nice) AND she's pretty attractive; she really has her mother's appearance; who's like amazingly 10/10 attractive and she's in her 30s.

[Asteriktos]

Dude. You're in high school. She's in high school. It's all good. 

[Arachne]

According to my mom's logic, I could date a 22 year old if I wanted to. I even flat-out asked her and she said yeah. But let's face it, Hell will freeze over before I'm able to land a 22 year old at 16  

Of course, because no 22-year-old would want to be involved in a statutory rape mess.

At 16, you should be more interested in landing straight As, or at least getting the most out of school. You have the rest of your life ahead of you to date.

[Gamliel]

Start out slow.  Maybe just be friends for a while.  When you both get older, if you are still seeing each other, the age difference will not be that much.

[JamesR]

Dude. You're in high school. She's in high school. It's all good. 

But she still just seems so young to me and I worry it's weird. What if she like worships me because I'm older and I end up shattering her little heart if it doesn't work out?

[JamesR]

At 16, you should be more interested in landing straight As, or at least getting the most out of school. You have the rest of your life ahead of you to date.

I already got perfect grades and plans for after school. That's smooth sailing.

[Asteriktos]

If you do the breaking up, then when you break up (and you will) there is a 72.4% chance she will say her life is over and threaten to commit suicide. The next week she will be dating someone else and saying she never liked you anyway. Just go with it. It's all part of the experience of life. If you never have a girlfriend threaten to kill herself over you then you won't have lived.

[William]

Dude. You're in high school. She's in high school. It's all good. 

Pretty much every high school coupling except freshman-senior is all good.

[JamesRottnek]

Dude. You're in high school. She's in high school. It's all good. 

But she still just seems so young to me and I worry it's weird. What if she like worships me because I'm older and I end up shattering her little heart if it doesn't work out?

Or what if she realizes you have a grandiose sense of your own self-worth, dumps you, and shatters yours?

[dzheremi]

I recognize the irony in posting this, but I always think it whenever I see JamesR's social/relationship threads: How on earth does something this silly get as many replies as it does?

James, you're 16. "Landing" someone of any age (is she a fish? Because that attraction is a whole different issue) is a non-issue, unless you seriously plan on spending the rest of your life with someone because you thought they were cute when you were 16, or their locker was next to yours or whatever.

[vamrat]

Half + 7

So James could date a 31 year old? Or am I misunderstanding? 

According to my mom's logic, I could date a 22 year old if I wanted to. I even flat-out asked her and she said yeah. But let's face it, Hell will freeze over before I'm able to land a 22 year old at 16  

I tried a 33 when I was 27 and got shot down.  I know a couple of wife-older-than-husband couples (parents, and my best friend+wife) and it worked fine, but I don't know of a lot of cases where an older woman goes for a younger guy.

The GF is 23 and I'm 28.  Another friend's woman is the same age and he's not quite a year younger than me.  Man-older-woman-younger usually seems to be easier to get into.

[orthonorm]

According to my mom's logic, I could date a 22 year old if I wanted to. I even flat-out asked her and she said yeah. But let's face it, Hell will freeze over before I'm able to land a 22 year old at 16  

Of course, because no 22-year-old would want to be involved in a statutory rape mess.

At 16, you should be more interested in landing straight As, or at least getting the most out of school. You have the rest of your life ahead of you to date.

What are you talking about?

An overview of what statutory "rape" looks like where I am:

Ohio
The age of consent in Ohio is 16 as specified by Section 2907.04 of the Ohio Revised Code. However, there exists a close in age exception where a minor 13 or older can consent to sex as long as their partner is less than 18 years old.

EDIT: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_North_America#Ohio

And if you look at the crime statistics for my neighborhood lotsa people evidently don't mind the "statutory rape mess".

James, I "dated" people all over the age difference in my life. At 16 (I was a senior?) it went from freshmen in high school to in fact a 22 year old.

I think the greatest difference in age was 16 years.

[orthonorm]

I recognize the irony in posting this, but I always think it whenever I see JamesR's social/relationship threads: How on earth does something this silly get as many replies as it does?

James, you're 16. "Landing" someone of any age (is she a fish? Because that attraction is a whole different issue) is a non-issue, unless you seriously plan on spending the rest of your life with someone because you thought they were cute when you were 16, or their locker was next to yours or whatever.

You act as if the motivations of older people are different. It always initially comes down to attraction and location. Lighten up.

[William]

James, I "dated" people all over the age difference in my life. At 16 (I was a senior?) it went from freshmen in high school to in fact a 22 year old.

I think the greatest difference in age was 16 years.

You oughta post more.

[Shanghaiski]

Half + 7

So James could date a 31 year old? Or am I misunderstanding? 

According to my mom's logic, I could date a 22 year old if I wanted to. I even flat-out asked her and she said yeah. But let's face it, Hell will freeze over before I'm able to land a 22 year old at 16  

And it would be illegal in some states.

[Shanghaiski]

I recognize the irony in posting this, but I always think it whenever I see JamesR's social/relationship threads: How on earth does something this silly get as many replies as it does?

James, you're 16. "Landing" someone of any age (is she a fish? Because that attraction is a whole different issue) is a non-issue, unless you seriously plan on spending the rest of your life with someone because you thought they were cute when you were 16, or their locker was next to yours or whatever.

Amen.

[yeshuaisiam]

Don't worry about so much.

Let it happen brother....

[dzheremi]

You act as if the motivations of older people are different. It always initially comes down to attraction and location. Lighten up.

The motivations may be the same, but I would guess that most people at 16 aren't worried about these things, and the vast majority of teenage relationships are over before school's out for summer. Lightening up is good for everybody.

[orthonorm]

You act as if the motivations of older people are different. It always initially comes down to attraction and location. Lighten up.

The motivations may be the same, but I would guess that most people at 16 aren't worried about these things, and the vast majority of teenage relationships are over before school's out for summer. Lightening up is good for everybody.

Yeah, nothing anxiety provoking about being 16.

Ignore everything ever written, filmed, or recorded on the subject to keep to your carefree fetishism of the young.

[dzheremi]

I knew I shouldn't have risked engaging you in a conversation, Orthonorm.

The point is not whether or not it is anxiety-provoking to be 16 (I was 16 once, after all; I think I already know the answer to that), but whether or not wondering about the kinds of questions in the OP does anything to help JamesR in the long run. I would say he's putting the cart before the horse, but if he has neither cart nor horse, a more basic "don't worry about it" will do.

[That person]

I knew I shouldn't have risked engaging you in a conversation, Orthonorm.

The point is not whether or not it is anxiety-provoking to be 16 (I was 16 once, after all; I think I already know the answer to that), but whether or not wondering about the kinds of questions in the OP does anything to help JamesR in the long run. I would say he's putting the cart before the horse, but if he has neither cart nor horse, a more basic "don't worry about it" will do.

That works a lot better in theory than in practice though.

[choy]

Depends where you are in life.  I remember when I was in high school and college, knowing someone who dates someone a year older or a year younger was a big deal if one is in highschool and the other is in college.  Same for those still in school vs. someone who's working.  But once you get out of school and working then you generally are in the same world, though those being fresh out of school have a completely different mindset than those who  have been out of school for 5 years or so.

The youngest I've dated, or tried to date, was 8 years younger :p

Didn't work out because she was still in school and I was working, it was like we were in two completely different worlds.  She was still in the "party all night" phase and doesn't want to go to the "fancy" places I would go to because it was so expensive (yes, for people who don't have incomes like students).  Also being the youngest in my own family, I don't like it if the girl is older than me.  Probably because I have 2 older sisters.  So it is not a general rule, but just my own situation.  Also having no one younger than me I don't look at anyone younger than me as like a little sister.  I have a friend who said he wouldn't date anyone younger than his younger sister for that reason.

So as long as you two get along and generally understand each other, I don't think are really matters.  Being the same age doesn't guarantee being on the same level of maturity anyone.  Some people are just more mature at a young age, and some are a lot older and still aren't as mature.  You just have to find that right fit.

[Quinault]

My husband is 5.5 years older than me. I don't think there is a hard and fast rule about age gaps.

As far as your interest in a 14-15 year old, that comes down to legalities. Since you will be 18 while she is still "jail bait" you need to be sure that all parental authority figures are OK with the relationship. So if the relationship ends up being a long lasting one, that is a factor. I was essentially emancipated when I met my husband at 15. Even if my parents had wanted to press charges, they wouldn't have had a legal foot to stand on. A 3 year gap isn't that big once you are in your 20's. But while one of you is underage, it can get sticky.

When I was 14 I dated a guy that was 25, so......there you go. I was already out of high school and working full time and supporting myself.

[Arachne]

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the law where James is.

What is the 2013 Age of Consent in California?

The California legal Age of Consent for sexual contact is 18 years old. eleven states have set their age of consent at 18 years old, the highest legal age of consent in any state.

The age of consent in California is 18, with a misdemeanor if the minor has 3 or fewer years of difference with the major, and potentially a felony if the major is more than 3 years older. The close-in-age rule in California (3 years) do not provide an exception nor provide any defense; it merely lowers the crime to a misdemeanor. Under this law, two minors of the exact same age could both be prosecuted with a misdemeanor. Penalties increase if the minor is under 16 and the major is above 21 or if the minor is more than 3 years younger.

[Kerdy]

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the law where James is.

What is the 2013 Age of Consent in California?

The California legal Age of Consent for sexual contact is 18 years old. eleven states have set their age of consent at 18 years old, the highest legal age of consent in any state.

The age of consent in California is 18, with a misdemeanor if the minor has 3 or fewer years of difference with the major, and potentially a felony if the major is more than 3 years older. The close-in-age rule in California (3 years) do not provide an exception nor provide any defense; it merely lowers the crime to a misdemeanor. Under this law, two minors of the exact same age could both be prosecuted with a misdemeanor. Penalties increase if the minor is under 16 and the major is above 21 or if the minor is more than 3 years younger.

Those pesky laws protecting minors. 

[Αριστοκλής]

I'm not sure if number of years is the proper consideration. Perhaps a ratio would be a better estimate?

My opinion, though: Whatever works.

[Kerdy]

Keeping all legal considerations in mind, I think maturity is more important than age.  By this I mean someone can be 20 years old physically and emotionally only be 16, or for that matter be closer to 24. 

My input is, until a person gets some age and better perspective, keep relationships within a year or so to your own age. 

[Punch]

I have always liked older women.  My wife is a little more than 4 years older than me.  A friend of mine has a husband that is 11 years younger than her.  Love has no boundaries.

[vamrat]

Don't worry about so much.

Let it happen brother....

Letting it happen leads to sin, confession, pregnancy, and STDs. 

[Punch]

Don't worry about so much.

Let it happen brother....

Letting it happen leads to sin, confession, pregnancy, and STDs. 

Could also lead to children, the STDs that keep giving 

[Achronos]

15-20 years difference I think is when the gap is too large. Seen plenty of relationships like that (usually 20 year olds with 40-50 year olds) never work.

Those that make it work seem to be outliers IMO.

BTW most of the relationships I have seen are a young woman with an older man. And for the most part, they all have daddy issues.

As for me, I'm 25, so I wouldn't mind dating as young as 18 or up to 30.

[Tags:]

OrthodoxChristianity.net > Moderated Forums > Free-For-All > Religious Topics (Moderator: Carl Kraeff (Second Chance)) > Topic: So When is the Age Gap Too Big?