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Author Topic: Advice on possibly having to miss a funeral...  (Read 674 times) Average Rating: 0
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Timon
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« on: January 18, 2013, 10:40:10 AM »

Ok. I am in a dilemma.

As you may have read here, my Priest passed away unexpectedly on Wednesday.  I just got word that his funeral will be next Friday night and Saturday morning.  Heres the problem... I have to go out of town for work on Friday morning, and I am not sure there is anything I can do about it.  I doubt I could find a replacement in time, and even if I could, this is money that I really need.

As you can imagine, I feel absolutely terrible. I really dont know what to do.

Any advice? Is it at all appropriate or understandable to miss a funeral for work when said work is out of town?  I dont know. Ive never been in this situation.  I want so badly to be at his funeral, but it will be extremely hard to miss this gig.
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« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2013, 10:49:56 AM »

Would you think differently if this was your biological father?
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« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2013, 10:51:32 AM »

I wouldn't want someone to risk their employment to attend my funeral. I doubt that your priest would either. Take a prayer book with you and if possible say a prayer for him during the time his funeral is being done.
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« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2013, 10:53:32 AM »

i missed my father in law's funeral many months back.
it was incredibly hard, but i could not ask for leave as i just started my job, and it would have meant people suffering as there was no one to replace me (job had been vacant for a while). i needed a minimum of 3 days off to go to the other country for the funeral, and, in the end, my friends and family advised me not to go.

so ask the advice of other people who know the situation; it's too difficult to make this kind of decision alone.
what i did on the day of the funeral was to stop at a catholic church on my way home (no orthodox in the area) and find it open  Smiley and lit a candle and prayed a lot.

i still feel i missed out, but i am at peace with the decision.
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Timon
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« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2013, 11:05:03 AM »

Would you think differently if this was your biological father?

thats the thing. if this was a biological parent, it seems like a no brainer I would have to miss this job. but ive never been in a situation like this. where do you draw the line? would he even want me to miss this job?

what makes it weird is that my job is to play guitar. now, im not just going out of town to play at some bar, make $50 and come home. this is a larger event where I will make close to the same amount i make in two full weeks of teaching. it could put my family in a bind to miss it.

also, this event has been on the calendar for over 6 months. it would put my other band mates in a bind as well if I had to miss it. and when you are an independent contractor, its hard to miss gigs because you dont have steady income. this one pays exceptionally well, and it is what will help me get through next month when I am not playing quite as much...

i know i sound selfish, and it seems like its all about money, but i currently just trying to weigh my options. im still trying to figure things out.


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« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2013, 11:29:20 AM »

Would you think differently if this was your biological father?

thats the thing. if this was a biological parent, it seems like a no brainer I would have to miss this job. but ive never been in a situation like this. where do you draw the line? would he even want me to miss this job?

what makes it weird is that my job is to play guitar. now, im not just going out of town to play at some bar, make $50 and come home. this is a larger event where I will make close to the same amount i make in two full weeks of teaching. it could put my family in a bind to miss it.

also, this event has been on the calendar for over 6 months. it would put my other band mates in a bind as well if I had to miss it. and when you are an independent contractor, its hard to miss gigs because you dont have steady income. this one pays exceptionally well, and it is what will help me get through next month when I am not playing quite as much...

i know i sound selfish, and it seems like its all about money, but i currently just trying to weigh my options. im still trying to figure things out.




As a gigging musician myself, I get where you're coming from.  You are not being selfish. 

As a Christian, you can pray for him wherever and whenever you are.  Find the Akathist for the Dead online, print it, and pray it for him when you are able, especially if you can during the time the funeral services are happening.

And dedicate your playing to him at the event and, if you can, ask the audience to remember him and your parish in their prayers.

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« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2013, 11:29:44 AM »

Would you think differently if this was your biological father?

That is an odd statement. And yes, a statement it was. Unlike others here, I actually have a basic grasp of rhetoric.
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« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2013, 11:33:03 AM »

Would you think differently if this was your biological father?

thats the thing. if this was a biological parent, it seems like a no brainer I would have to miss this job. but ive never been in a situation like this. where do you draw the line? would he even want me to miss this job?

what makes it weird is that my job is to play guitar. now, im not just going out of town to play at some bar, make $50 and come home. this is a larger event where I will make close to the same amount i make in two full weeks of teaching. it could put my family in a bind to miss it.

also, this event has been on the calendar for over 6 months. it would put my other band mates in a bind as well if I had to miss it. and when you are an independent contractor, its hard to miss gigs because you dont have steady income. this one pays exceptionally well, and it is what will help me get through next month when I am not playing quite as much...

i know i sound selfish, and it seems like its all about money, but i currently just trying to weigh my options. im still trying to figure things out.

There is no good answer.

No matter what you do, you will suffer.

And no one here has any privileged position to give you advice.

If you are honest with yourself, you know the decision you have made. Some might judge you for your actions, which is reasonable, but just because something is reasonable or understandable or sympathetic doesn't make it persuasive.

I am sorry for your loss and the bind you are in.
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Timon
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« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2013, 11:43:16 AM »

Would you think differently if this was your biological father?

thats the thing. if this was a biological parent, it seems like a no brainer I would have to miss this job. but ive never been in a situation like this. where do you draw the line? would he even want me to miss this job?

what makes it weird is that my job is to play guitar. now, im not just going out of town to play at some bar, make $50 and come home. this is a larger event where I will make close to the same amount i make in two full weeks of teaching. it could put my family in a bind to miss it.

also, this event has been on the calendar for over 6 months. it would put my other band mates in a bind as well if I had to miss it. and when you are an independent contractor, its hard to miss gigs because you dont have steady income. this one pays exceptionally well, and it is what will help me get through next month when I am not playing quite as much...

i know i sound selfish, and it seems like its all about money, but i currently just trying to weigh my options. im still trying to figure things out.




As a gigging musician myself, I get where you're coming from.  You are not being selfish. 

As a Christian, you can pray for him wherever and whenever you are.  Find the Akathist for the Dead online, print it, and pray it for him when you are able, especially if you can during the time the funeral services are happening.

And dedicate your playing to him at the event and, if you can, ask the audience to remember him and your parish in their prayers.



thank you for this. and I am glad theres someone else here who does similar work as me that can understand.  this is certainly not easy. and its certainly one of the more difficult binds i have been in. its tough to lose a friend, and its extra tough knowing you likely wont be able to be there to say one final farewell.
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« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2013, 11:49:34 AM »

Would you think differently if this was your biological father?

thats the thing. if this was a biological parent, it seems like a no brainer I would have to miss this job. but ive never been in a situation like this. where do you draw the line? would he even want me to miss this job?

what makes it weird is that my job is to play guitar. now, im not just going out of town to play at some bar, make $50 and come home. this is a larger event where I will make close to the same amount i make in two full weeks of teaching. it could put my family in a bind to miss it.

also, this event has been on the calendar for over 6 months. it would put my other band mates in a bind as well if I had to miss it. and when you are an independent contractor, its hard to miss gigs because you dont have steady income. this one pays exceptionally well, and it is what will help me get through next month when I am not playing quite as much...

i know i sound selfish, and it seems like its all about money, but i currently just trying to weigh my options. im still trying to figure things out.

There is no good answer.

No matter what you do, you will suffer.

And no one here has any privileged position to give you advice.

If you are honest with yourself, you know the decision you have made. Some might judge you for your actions, which is reasonable, but just because something is reasonable or understandable or sympathetic doesn't make it persuasive.

I am sorry for your loss and the bind you are in.

thank you. as noted earlier, this is certainly very difficult for me.

i appreciate that the responses have been kind, sympathetic and understanding. 
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« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2013, 11:59:57 AM »

Would you think differently if this was your biological father?

thats the thing. if this was a biological parent, it seems like a no brainer I would have to miss this job. but ive never been in a situation like this. where do you draw the line? would he even want me to miss this job?

what makes it weird is that my job is to play guitar. now, im not just going out of town to play at some bar, make $50 and come home. this is a larger event where I will make close to the same amount i make in two full weeks of teaching. it could put my family in a bind to miss it.

also, this event has been on the calendar for over 6 months. it would put my other band mates in a bind as well if I had to miss it. and when you are an independent contractor, its hard to miss gigs because you dont have steady income. this one pays exceptionally well, and it is what will help me get through next month when I am not playing quite as much...

i know i sound selfish, and it seems like its all about money, but i currently just trying to weigh my options. im still trying to figure things out.

There is no good answer.

No matter what you do, you will suffer.

And no one here has any privileged position to give you advice.

If you are honest with yourself, you know the decision you have made. Some might judge you for your actions, which is reasonable, but just because something is reasonable or understandable or sympathetic doesn't make it persuasive.

I am sorry for your loss and the bind you are in.

thank you. as noted earlier, this is certainly very difficult for me.

i appreciate that the responses have been kind, sympathetic and understanding. 

I can only imagine. Guilt in light of the loss of someone is common, please try not to compound it for yourself buddy.

Again, my sincere sympathies.
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« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2013, 05:19:57 PM »

Would you think differently if this was your biological father?

That is an odd statement. And yes, a statement it was. Unlike others here, I actually have a basic grasp of rhetoric.
And yet you still don't understand why I asked the question. Wink
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« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2013, 05:37:26 PM »

Put your mind at rest. There are plenty of opportunities to pray for Fr. Jacob until his funeral. There are panikhidas  almost every day, and when there are no services, the Psalter is being read in the church.
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« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2013, 07:47:56 PM »

Ok. I am in a dilemma.

As you may have read here, my Priest passed away unexpectedly on Wednesday.  I just got word that his funeral will be next Friday night and Saturday morning.  Heres the problem... I have to go out of town for work on Friday morning, and I am not sure there is anything I can do about it.  I doubt I could find a replacement in time, and even if I could, this is money that I really need.

As you can imagine, I feel absolutely terrible. I really dont know what to do.

Any advice? Is it at all appropriate or understandable to miss a funeral for work when said work is out of town?  I dont know. Ive never been in this situation.  I want so badly to be at his funeral, but it will be extremely hard to miss this gig.

Pray for his soul with love and pain of heart. You can use a canon or akathist for the departed (there are a few of both of these) or use your prayer rope saying, "Give rest, O Lord, to the soul of Thy servant, the priest Jacob."

May God grant him rest with the saints and forgiveness of sins.
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« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2013, 09:05:20 PM »

Put your mind at rest. There are plenty of opportunities to pray for Fr. Jacob until his funeral. There are panikhidas  almost every day, and when there are no services, the Psalter is being read in the church.

Thank you for this.  I was hoping to hear from you.  Im sure i will see you sometime this week.
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« Reply #15 on: January 18, 2013, 10:43:52 PM »

Would you think differently if this was your biological father?

I imagine that if this were the case, the funeral would be planned around the immediate family's schedule.
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« Reply #16 on: January 18, 2013, 11:33:53 PM »

I just want to thank everyone for the kind and understanding replies.  This has certainly been a situation that I have had a very hard time with, and have been particularly upset about today.  This has been very helpful and it is greatly appreciated.
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« Reply #17 on: January 19, 2013, 07:06:22 AM »

i would pray in church before the funeral, and dedicate your playing to him at the gig.
maybe you can get one of your band members to read the dedication, so that you don't start crying at the gig!
(i know i would cry, of course you may be different.)

and then, if it's still a hard decision, you could donate a portion of the money from the gig to some charity in memory of him, or to the church.
but i am just some voice from the internet; what's really important is to take the advice of those around you (including your family).
may God guide you.
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« Reply #18 on: January 19, 2013, 01:25:27 PM »

i would pray in church before the funeral, and dedicate your playing to him at the gig.
maybe you can get one of your band members to read the dedication, so that you don't start crying at the gig!
(i know i would cry, of course you may be different.)

and then, if it's still a hard decision, you could donate a portion of the money from the gig to some charity in memory of him, or to the church.
but i am just some voice from the internet; what's really important is to take the advice of those around you (including your family).
may God guide you.

thank you very much. these are all good ideas!
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« Reply #19 on: January 19, 2013, 09:14:11 PM »

I have recently had a similar situation with my Uncle George, I am still upset that I could not attend, yet I know in my heart that he is at peace , I was able to talk to his wife soon afterwards and hope that this was enough.

He is in my prayers and I feel at peace with his soul.

Although I feel my extended family will judge me negatively for this.
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« Reply #20 on: January 23, 2013, 04:59:53 PM »

Just wanted to update everyone:

I was able to go visit Fr. Jacob today at the funeral home where he is being held until his actual funeral.  I didnt know until yesterday that he was available for visit.  I feel much better how the whole situation now that I was able to pay him one final visit.  I was probably only there for about 20 min, and I (quickly) read through my mid-day prayers and read another prayer for the dead while i was there.  Then I asked him to pray for me.  I could barely even hold the prayer book I had to bring with me because I knew I wouldnt be able to remember everything.  After my prayers, I just sat for a few minutes and reflected on the last year that I was privileged enough to know him. Im not good in these situations and really didnt know what else to do.  I guess theres not a whole lot else I couldve done. 

I just wanted to let everyone know I am much more at peace with the whole situation.   And as a parish, we will certainly make it through this and we will come out stronger because of it.  Fr. Jacob will always be here with us, and we will certainly all get to see him again soon enough!

Thank you for your prayers thus far, and please continue!
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« Reply #21 on: January 23, 2013, 06:16:51 PM »

pleased to hear this.
may God bless you and comfort all those who mourn.
he looked like such a lovely man from the photo you posted of when you joined the church.
Lord have mercy and repose the soul of our father.
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