Asteriktos excellent points.I don't even know how to make sense of that. If you think a guy is going to leave or take your kids, you should not marry him. If the family/your close friends see a bunch of things you don't, it is probably good to listen.
Anastasia, what would you say to me, deciding to marry a man who I anticipate has a probable potential to not only want to divorce me but also to take my children away from me. also if I tell you that in anticipation of such a move by him I have decided the way to avoid it is by making sure he becomes a citizen. while we are at it , what would you say if I tell you that I plan to have a pre nup signed to protect my money from this man I am marrying.but at the end of all this talk I tell you that I totally love this man, and I can not imagine life without him. what would you say to me, I hope it will be ' for heaven's sake ,wake the heck up!' or something to that effect..self deception is a dangerous dangerous game. there is a saying i know, roughly it translates as ' when someone wants to eat the crow he calls it chicken' its quite easy to see only what we want to see and ignore what we do not. there is a difference between knowing that what one has is not a real thing therefore legal protection is important vs saying what one has is a real thing and still insisting that such type of anticipated eventualities are probable. I am sorry personally this is one of those things I think of only as in either-or about and because of that I can be very wrong. good luck
I feel like this example is a little bit of a stretch to apply yet. I have had only a couple of dates with someone who is not a citizen because I listen to my family and am trying to decide for myself if this advice to marry a citizen is worth necessarily listening to and passing guys up on that basis if I do not plan on moving long-term. I feel like you said a lot here and it is hard for me to break down. We both agree that self-deception is dangerous. It sounds like when you said, " there is a difference between knowing that what one has is not a real thing therefore legal protection is important vs saying what one has is a real thing and still insisting that such type of anticipated eventualities are probable" this is comparing walking into a known failure and being deceived.
Anastasia, I think you got it,
although I will explain further. You have to keep in mind that on issues such as this my views are quite archaic and may be even naïve by most people’s standards; I offer them only as existing perspectives available on the issue. So here it goes..
Relationships have stages of development not always cast in stone but somewhat of an evolving dynamic pattern. When we are talking about a married man with children deciding to take his children away from their mother, we have jumped all the events involved in the formation of the relationship they have and all issues that have led to the present situation.
I think in this particular case, what one must ask is: what is citizenship’s role in the personality of the person one is dating. Include in that what economic social and cultural conflict of interest exists in dating some one of a different origin. We are now speaking in broad general terms without taking individual person’s psychological makeup. So ignoring the positive aspects for now, let us focus on the probable negatives.
-If you are an American citizen, and that person sees it as a way of gaining economic and political advantage then there is the chance of being used to get that coveted advantage. Just like if you are rich and someone who sees that forming a relationship with you as a way to get to your money might try to use you.
-If you are an American citizen, and that person has decided to end his relationship with you ( here we got to consider what the possible reasons may be) and to cut you out of their life in a way that includes separating you from your children, one of the drastic methods being snatching them to his country of citizenship where you potentially have no right.
The above scenarios are potential risks one has to think about I believe in the very early stages of the relationship. Without necessarily jumping into the relationship with blind eyes or avoiding persons of such social status out right based on perceived risks alone, if all other important aspects of compatibility are present then it is in my opinion worth it to get to know the person better. You might have something so genuine and extraordinary that it becomes capable of crossing human boundaries. In this life there is very little that is beautiful and lasts.
Because you are orthodox it gives me a certain leverage to say, there are ways that the spiritual person if humble enough, can sift through the public masquerade and see the naked person not just the image and find out if one can live with all the flaws of the person one sees and even love them for it. Find the person’s flaws, find and face yours honestly as well, and add them all to the good you both have and decide what you think about the mix whether it will hold or disintegrate when tested by life. After the initial screenings you do to find out whether or not you can genuinely trust this person in all matters of life known or unknown to you. You will have someone you can trust even if they were the citizen of mars, and any other issues people get suspicious about. Or someone you will avoid voluntarily and with ease. Now we move forward and think about marriage, you see now that given all that you have done to decide whether or not you two can mesh together, if you still have those kinds of serious doubts, then it is time to turn back before going to the altar. Because no amount of legal protection can save you from the real disaster that awaits. The man you decide to trust, love and honor enough to marry Anastasia, it is my expectation (because of how smart and grounded you are) that he would be noble and trust worthy, worthy of your love and honor. Not some lunatic citizen or none-citizen, who at a drop of a dime or when the going gets tough, victimizes his children’s wellbeing for his personal vendetta against you, by separating them from the mother they love and who loves them.
Now concerning your parents’ advice, I think it is every parent’s job to look for and do a preemptive damage control to all possible negative outcomes given all the elements involved for the sake of their children’s welfare and happiness. They also know you well enough to make a fair assessment of how you would relate to the situation you are facing. Friends also are in that position to pitch in because of their intimate knowledge of your character both in your guarded and unguarded moments so they are in a good place to point out certain facts you might be prone to gloss over or be blind to. Therefore like you said, with that in mind it is good to listen to them; initially and even then up to a point. Because in the end it is you who must live your life, we are not static personalities frozen in time never to adopt and evolve; we have a capacity to rise up to challenges and grow by meeting them head on and be better for it. Just like men of questionable character are out there having all sorts of citizenship, men of noble character are available in all manners of social and political status also. For the right reasons we must take a calculated risk otherwise we will never live. What Christianity teaches us most is that we have a potential to rise above what we know to be our self, and genuine love has the infinite potential to energies us in that assent towards heights we did not know exist, lending us the strength, making us capable of loving in the fullest sense of the term. So even if your parents may say this guy is not the kind of guy we wanted for you, but you have gone through all the stages of knowing him and now you do love him for all the right reasons, I say stand by your love. Choose him. Because such choice will be presented to you in some form or another by life, every single day of your life and you must make that same choice over and over again for the rest of your life, above yourself and against all odds. Even scriptures say man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. In the practice of your faith you will have the grace you need to live a joyful committed life. I am not saying you will be happy all the time.
I realize you just had few dates with this person, and your parents are trying to eliminate all the potential risk factors, but you are an adult so get to know the person a bit if citizenship is the only factor that is a potential problem.
Like I said before I could be very wrong.
Sorry for the length.