I find consciousness to be utterly pointless without God, lately everything I see and look at become a mass of tiny particles of energy arranged together in some kind of mystery. I look at material goods such as food, clothing, every kind of gadget and gizmos and even the human body with a profound sense of utter meaninglessness but yet with a sense of wonder. With an American education I have an idea of a basic function of the universe on a microscopic level which brings me to bewilderment while, at the same time, I can drive down a country road with trees set on either side; the sunset peeking through and gaze in amazement at the harmony of all things. I long for a sense of contrition and heartfelt tears to draw close to the creator of these things but I don't know if it will ever come. I find myself subject and tossed about by the passions of my mind and thoughts, and sometimes I don't think I can take the life long struggle. I long for love, kindness and compassion, patients, humility but I'm unfathomably lazy when it comes to the effort to cultivate them. Without my infinitesimally small seed of faith I feel like I would fall into despair at the loss of all hope in a purpose, I wouldn't know how to go on. I pray for myself I never lose it, I pray for you who read this, pray for me! Lord have mercy, glory to Him.