I find consciousness to be utterly pointless without God, lately everything I see and look at become a mass of tiny particles of energy arranged together in some kind of mystery. I look at material goods such as food, clothing, every kind of gadget and gizmos and even the human body with a profound sense of utter meaninglessness but yet with a sense of wonder. With an American education I have an idea of a basic function of the universe on a microscopic level which brings me to bewilderment while, at the same time, I can drive down a country road with trees set on either side; the sunset peeking through and gaze in amazement at the harmony of all things. I long for a sense of contrition and heartfelt tears to draw close to the creator of these things but I don't know if it will ever come. I find myself subject and tossed about by the passions of my mind and thoughts, and sometimes I don't think I can take the life long struggle. I long for love, kindness and compassion, patients, humility but I'm unfathomably lazy when it comes to the effort to cultivate them. Without my infinitesimally small seed of faith I feel like I would fall into despair at the loss of all hope in a purpose, I wouldn't know how to go on. I pray for myself I never lose it, I pray for you who read this, pray for me! Lord have mercy, glory to Him.
Hang in there. You're just going through a dry spell.
Perhaps you are trying too hard. You seem to recognize God's hand in everything around you....the harmony of nature, the beauty of the sunset, etc.
Maybe reading from the Church Fathers, or the Lives of the Saints, etc. might spark something within you.
Laziness affects us all. Therefore, work around it. Download some "good" reading material (perhaps to your phone, etc.) and when you have a moment read a few lines. Subscribe to pages on Facebook that send you daily Church readings, proverbs, etc....so, when you are standing in the checkout line, you can surf through and read a few enlightening words.
Every little bit helps.
You'll always struggle...we all do. Don't get discouraged.
You're doing fine...just take it one step at a time.