I feel so bad. I have so much anger about Mormons and Mormonism. It's wrecking me and this weekend was awful. I was a source of darkness, not light, at home. As you know, my wife is still LDS and really wants my boys there with her. I go with her to help get them there, but I have so much emotional baggage. I turned my back on my family's heritage (mom, dad, and wife) because I never did get that vaunted Mormon 'witness' of the spirit that Joseph Smith was a true prophet, went to university and learned the truth about Mormon origins, then discovered the ancient Way. Mormons tend to not handle people leaving well at all. All of my relationships are strained, including with my wife. Making things worse is my weakness - I don't take insinuations of insincerity and faithlessness well at all. That's usually what Mormons say to people who try and fail to gain that witness of the spirit. I was such a devout, faithful Mormon and it just didn't happen for me!! Instead of compassion and understanding of how devastating it was for me to learn the truth about the faith of my ancestors and never feeling the presence of God, despite a desperate desire, I was passively-aggressively asked by family, friends, and church leaders whether I was really willilng to do what it takes for that witness, implying that I wasn't doing it right. I allowed this to go on for many years as I clung on, trying to make Mormonism work, until I got so incredibly intensely angry. I thought the anger and resentment at being told these things was going away. But it's still there under the surface, just waiting for the right combination of factors to produce the darkness again. It's like some kind of demonic attack and I so easily fall for it. Things at home have reached a crisis point since my older son knows how I feel about Mormonism. He knows I'm Orthodox and that I was Catholic first. He hears Mormons talk negatively about Catholics at church and it really bothers him. I drink beer and coffee ( a big Mormon no no). He hears Mormons talk negatively about people who drink beer and coffee. It makes him angry. He doesn't want to go to church anymore. He sees my turmoil. He hears my wife and I argue about the church (I try so hard not to argue, but it's so hard. I loathe Mormonism so much). He's getting to the point that he doesn't want anything to do with religion at all and I don't blame him. He's only 14 and I'm not helping him by being angry and arguing. Yesterday he put his foot down and told my wife he's not going to church. This upset her greatly and she blames me. It's going to require me forcing him to go, even though I hate going myself and would rather the whole family went with me to Divine Liturgy. Forcing him, as I've had to do for a while now, makes me feel so awful. I get angry and depressed. My wife doesn't understand at all. She's the more liberal kind of California cradle Mormon and just blames my parents, who are really hardcore Utah Mormons, for ruining me. When she does that I go blind with anger. It's a slap at my parents and it's a slap at me, since I'm smart and educated and I learned the truth of ancient Christianity by actually reading every ancient Christian document from the first two centuries of the Church. My wife's family knew my parents before I met my wife. They have a picture of me when I was 3 years old at their son's birthday party, right after my wife was born; her parents and mine were friends in grad school in the 60s. Her family thinks what she thinks about my parents. They all feel sorry for me, like I can't help feeling how I feel about Mormonism. I don't handle insinuations about my character well at all. It's just pride, I know. I need healing from that pride and anger. I long for chrismation so I can commune with our God and find that healing. Sundays are horrible, the worst day of the week. Instead of peace and rest on those days, they reveal the division within my family. I fear for my young sons and I don't know what to do.