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Author Topic: Wondering if it's my place to confront a friend on her unkindness to another  (Read 572 times) Average Rating: 0
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Faith: Non-denomination Christian
Posts: 6

« on: October 22, 2012, 05:12:03 PM »

Hopefully this is the correct forum to place this question into. It does not have to do with family, but it is about relationships.

I have two friends (A and S) who are ex-friends with each other. After not talking for almost two years, A decided to send a long text to S expressing how much she hated her, and then sent me a text to "warn" me about what she's done and what she said, just in case S decided to talk to me about it. I know that I need to talk to A about not involving me like this in the future, since I do not want to get into the middle of anything.

What I'm trying to figure out is if I should express to her how bothered I am about what she said to S. I am praying about whether the godly thing is to just set up the boundary about her choice to involve me, or if I should address how disturbed I am by the fact that she would express such hatred to someone without provocation. A is not a Christian, and does not believe she has done anything wrong. Under normal circumstances I would not say anything, but I am losing respect for her because of this incident. Would the adult, godly thing be to tell her how bothered I am, or should I stay out of it because it's none of my business? I generally flee from any sort of conflict, so I'm unsure if my hesitation to express my feelings stems from fear or from wisdom.

Any insights or suggestions would be most appreciated!
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Faith: Sola Gratia
Jurisdiction: Outside
Posts: 16,768

« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2012, 05:27:57 PM »

Jettison pop-psyche words like "boundaries". They are some appeal to authority we can use so that we can loose ourselves of responsibilities for our choices.

And it sounds cliche. And bloodless.

If you are truly friends (a rare event nowadays), I can't see why you can't tell your friend how you feel about dragging you into something and your own distaste for what they have done and how it is impacting your friendship (your loss of respect for her).

It's what friends are for after all.

If she cares about the friendship and she is damaging it without knowing, that seems unfair to her, if you care about the friendship. How can you hold her responsible for harm she is doing in your opinion, if she is not aware of it?

Or she might just take spite over the relationship.

Who knows till you find out?


Ignorance is not a lack, but a passion.
Virginal Chicano Blood
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Faith: Eastern Orthodox (but doubtful)
Jurisdiction: Orthodox Church *of* America
Posts: 6,206

St. Augustine of Hippo pray for me!

« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2012, 04:17:54 AM »

If you are truly friends, then you can be honest with each other. There have been times when my best friends were arguing with each other and tried to involve me in it, and I just told them that they were both full of -censored- and that I want us to all go back to being friends.

You're really on to something here. Tattoo to keep you from masturbating, chew to keep you from fornicating... it's a whole new world where you outsource your crosses. You're like a Christian entrepreneur or something.
James, you have problemz.
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Faith: Orthodox
Jurisdiction: OCA
Posts: 3,517

« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2012, 12:15:43 PM »

If you're going to tell her not to involve you in this, you can certainly tell her that you were disapointed in her for her unkindness. That's not conflict. And if it is, then what sort of friend is she really?

"If but ten of us lead a holy life, we shall kindle a fire which shall light up the entire city."

 St. John Chrysostom
Tags: friendship  hatred  unkindness  confront  confrontation 
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