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Author Topic: For Spiritual Recovery  (Read 586 times) Average Rating: 0
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JamesR
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St. Augustine of Hippo pray for me!


« on: October 12, 2012, 01:38:41 AM »

Some prayers would be appreciated for the salvation of my soul. I fear that I am slowly spiraling downward in regards to my faith. I feel like every day I am constantly wrestling with different heresies; hatred toward God, or disbelieve in His entire existence, anger at Him, desire and passions etc.  Even worse, for some reason I always allow these doubts/heresies/struggles to keep me from God. Instead of going to Him for a solution, I just give up on Him, like by not praying, not reading the Scriptures, blowing off going to Church etc. Every day I say that I am going to try to make a serious effort to fix this, but then I just go on blowing God off again and living it like every other day.

I don't understand how I can 'come to God' when I have issues with Him. People always tell me that during these times it's best to stay closer to God, go to Church more, read more Scriptures etc. But I'm not like that. If I have problems with God then I don't come to God, I isolate myself, try to find a logical answer, and if that succeeds, then I will return back to Him. And if it doesn't, then it usually just becomes a doubt that plagues me forever and reoccures whenever I feel comfortable with God again. Doesn't make sense to me to come to God when I have a problem with God. Why would I serve God when many of my questions relate to why I should serve Him at all?

No matter how I look at the problem of evil, I just can't justify it. Maybe I don't want to be a god if it involves suffering. Maybe I would rather have been made without freedom, at least then we would not have any suffering. I don't have the faith to believe that all of this will really pay off someday. And how are we supposed to have the faith? God hasn't done anything to assure us of justice. Likewise, how am I supposed to 'have a relationship' with someone who isn't there? No matter how you put it, God does NOT interact with us. You CANNOT develop a 'relationship with' someone who won't interact with you and anyone who thinks so is probably mistaken. I don't know how I can get myself to love someone who I feel isn't there. Likewise, I don't understand why I should thank Him for anything when I just do not honestly understand how He was responsible for it at all. Take dinner for example, people always say I should pray before I eat, but I never do. I tell myself I should, but I don't do it. I just don't understand what the purpose is. He didn't buy or give me the food, we bought and prepared it ourselves without Him, or at least it seems that way.

Even in cases where I do believe that God maybe has done something good for us, I still don't understand how people can go around saying that 'God is good' or act like He is so great for working one act of kindness. Does one act of kindness really make up for the lifetime of suffering He allows most people to endure? That's like thanking an absent parent (s) who throughout your entire life never interacted with you and allowed bad things to happen to you just because he/she decided for some reason to buy you one lousy Christmas or birthday gift. Big deal. Does one present really compare or make up for all the bad they allowed to happen?

I ALWAYS have thoughts like this whenever I feel like praying or doing something Holy. They just come back to me constantly and I don't know how to answer them or deal with them. I also don't understand how the world could be guilty of anything when God is the one who created us with the potential to be bad and allowed us to become bad. I like to use this one a lot whenever I do something bad. I don't understand why I should adhere to a boring, somewhat outdated system of Christian ethics that will make my life on Earth boring and miserable when I could live a fun, non-Christian life and have an amazing life on Earth. Everyone tells me it is because of our 'soul' or that it will be worth it in the end because 'our afterlife will be full of greatness' but how am I supposed to believe any of these promises? God hasn't given me any assurance. I don't even know if there is an afterlife or a Resurrection so why am I going to take a chance and waste away possibly my only life?  Embarrassed nothing makes sense to me anymore. And I probably do not make any of this better by always refusing to pray or read the Scriptures and blowing off God all the time as irrelevant.

Prayers would be appreciated.
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You're really on to something here. Tattoo to keep you from masturbating, chew to keep you from fornicating... it's a whole new world where you outsource your crosses. You're like a Christian entrepreneur or something.
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James, you have problemz.
NicholasMyra
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« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2012, 03:00:43 AM »

Lord have mercy on your servant James.
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« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2012, 10:58:17 AM »

I would heartily encourage you to make this known to God and to someone in person who would be able to counsel you in spiritual matters.  We have to be careful not to let our own thoughts run amok. We cannot depend on on our minds and will to provide what we need and guide us to where we must go.  Lord have mercy.
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elephant
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« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2012, 01:23:48 PM »

Lord Have Mercy Lord Have Mercy Lord Have Mercy
Most Holy Theotokos Save Us
Father Seraphim Pray For Us

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CatherineBrigid
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« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2012, 09:57:52 PM »

Lord Have Mercy Lord Have Mercy Lord Have Mercy
Most Holy Theotokos Save Us
Father Seraphim Pray For Us


Amen. (((hugs))) love and prayers.....
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HabteSelassie
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« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2012, 10:53:02 PM »

Greetings in that Divine and Most Precious Name of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

We are all praying for you, and please know we all, cradle and converts, priest and laity alike, go through these same existential struggles you are experiencing.  I would just like to add this note, I understand perfectly the benefit of self-reflection through writing as a release, and the ability to go back and forth and re-read to help make sense of a situation, or particular feelings and circumstances.  However and again as I've told you before, perhaps the Internet isn't the best place to be airing out your spiritual and emotional laundry?  Many of us sincerely care about you, but you can't control what happens to your posts once its out there in the land of 1s and 0s.  So  please, young brother, invest in a journal and write out all these feelings and questions you have, reread them there, but keep a lot of this to yourself or in PMs with some of your friends here.

After all, this is the internet, and there are surely haters even if just as lurkers.


stay blessed,
habte selassie
« Last Edit: October 12, 2012, 10:54:04 PM by HabteSelassie » Logged

"Yet stand aloof from stupid questionings and geneologies and strifes and fightings about law, for they are without benefit and vain." Titus 3:10
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« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2012, 12:11:03 AM »

Lord have mercy.
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« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2012, 08:30:00 AM »

Lord, have mercy on Your servant, JamesR.
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« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2012, 08:29:23 AM »

Lord have mercy on James!
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In His Mercy,
BethAnna
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« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2012, 02:02:44 PM »

Lord have mercy.

Sts. Peter and Paul, pray for us.
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« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2012, 06:55:54 PM »

Jesus Christ, Son of David ,Lord Have mercy on us.
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The Lord gathers his sheep, I fear I am a goat. Lord have mercy.

"A Christian is someone who follows and worships a perfectly good God who revealed his true face through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth.“
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