You guys got me. quitmorning's last post really spoke to me. I guess I will at least try to come back to the faith and heal myself. But the fact remains that I still have so many questions. Everyone just keeps telling me how to deal with suffering and while it is all good advice, my scholastic side is still demaning an answer as to why God allows it in the first place. I'm afraid I cannot get myself to follow any of that advice until I know the answer because my entire perception of whp God is is based on what that answer will be.
What comes after anger? I do not know. Where do I go from here? I'm scared of God now that I cursed Him and I feel like if I prayed to Him I would just be lying to Him and to myself because I would not really feel it or care. And unfortunately I committed a great sin by Communing last Sunday in this state because I thought that maybe it would 'motivate me to find righteousness'.
James, I'm going to give you some SOUND advice.
Quit making big decisions so quickly. Many people here have had moments where they were angry with God. I had a moment like that when there was a suicide in my external family. I loved God, but hated the things he "let" happen and was angry. Often when we are angry, we say things we don't mean.
Also, if you are looking at pornography, stop. It's vile, evil and wicked. It's women who are exploited for their drug habits, often sexually abused, and often being abused in front of the camera. This could be a vice hurting you badly and don't even know it. I see often in your posts talking about "urges", which is what I could only assume is going on. Every member on this forum that is male understands the struggles of lust in one way or another (if not they should check their pulse). Many old toots like myself, did not have the internet, nor really access to pornography in our teen years. This has to be a horrific struggle at this time of the ease of access. The song of songs and the physical love between a husband and wife should not be tarnished with the thoughts and fantasies that watching the abuse of women will give you. Men should be praying for these women for their souls and for God to intercede into their lives and heal their pain. I believe the pornography problem is WIDE SPREAD and it grasps more people than we can imagine.
BUT ANYWAY, you need to deal with one issue at a time. If you were born from fornication, that is NOT your sin. You were born into sin just like any of us.
There is a flip side to many of your questions.... Let me give you an example.
"Why did God kill my puppy" - or - "why did God let my puppy die".
"God blessed me with a puppy for a short time" - or - "why did God create puppies".
Often its easy to focus on the glass half empty, and not even consider the half full glass before you. Why did God even bless you with life? Why did he bless any of us with life? Why did he make mankind smart enough to create the internet where EO Christians can communicate across the world with one another? Why did he make tadpoles if they are going to turn to frogs then die? Why would he allow people to die? Why would he make babies if they would just die when they are old?
Then you have to consider self pity, which you are doing in your post and many of us do this - Let me give you a person example of myself
Why did God let my relative commit suicide?
Why did God let my brother abort several of my nieces or nephews? (I guess God didn't restrict him and he did what he wanted as Satan let him)
Why did God allow a 19 year old that I know be killed in a car accident 2 weeks ago?
Why does God not just swoop down and stop all abortions?
Why did God let my cousin cheat on his wife when they had a nice family?
Why does God restrict me from lusting after women when I have a wife and children? (At least Satan offers me to do it!)
I know you understand this. You need to SLOW DOWN, stop, and smell the roses. Look at your blessings. If you struggle with porn, you need to "pluck it out" NOW, because I'm seeing a lot of youth fall into that dangerous cycle. It's really screwing them up.