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Author Topic: HOW TO SING THE BLUES(A PRIMER )  (Read 254 times) Average Rating: 0
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Tallitot
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« on: June 30, 2014, 07:19:35 PM »

HOW TO SING THE BLUES ... A PRIMER

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning...
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line
like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch-ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or
Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train, blues NEVER go
on the northbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin'
plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood"
means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in
Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your
leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking
lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept
in it for the last six months.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

Not if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston
could. Ugly white people also got leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues
beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a
jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting
liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how
many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For
example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

And remember-no one leaves this place without singing the blues
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXIVk_wsZEg
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« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2014, 07:26:57 PM »

 Grin Cheesy
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biro
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« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2014, 07:31:09 PM »

 Wink
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Fran Lebowitz: Everything. There is not one thing with which I am satisfied.

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« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2014, 08:46:10 PM »

Did you google this list or just make it up?  If the latter, why?

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« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2014, 03:26:15 AM »

Did you google this list or just make it up?
Friend sent it to me.

If the latter, why?
Why not?
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« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2014, 03:54:02 AM »

"I woke up this morning..."

If you're living the Blues that's all the Blues you need to know.  Wink



Selam
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« Reply #6 on: July 02, 2014, 11:36:57 AM »

I'm changing my user name to Diabetic Tangerine Eisenhower.
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« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2014, 12:21:41 PM »

"I woke up this morning..."

If you're living the Blues that's all the Blues you need to know.  Wink



Selam


Don't take more'n that to screw up your day. Wink

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« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2014, 06:07:25 PM »

-Must have guitar

-If possible, other guy with a harmonica
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Charlie Rose: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

Fran Lebowitz: Everything. There is not one thing with which I am satisfied.

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« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2014, 11:33:22 PM »

This was extremely amusing.
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« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2014, 12:04:05 AM »

Quote
Hard times in
Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.


oh so very very true.....
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« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2014, 01:49:13 AM »

I played harmonica in a few Blues bands in high school and college. I went by the name "Blue Whiskey Wood." I was far from a Christian at the time. "Good times, bad times, you know I've had my share."  Wink


Selam
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« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2014, 03:48:11 AM »

So Pomegranate Chadwick and the Wall Street Yachtsmen from Nantucket is probably not a blues show worth seeing?
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« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2014, 04:50:41 AM »

So Pomegranate Chadwick and the Wall Street Yachtsmen from Nantucket is probably not a blues show worth seeing?

LOL! I would avoid that show as much as I would avoid the music of a "Blues flautist."


Selam
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« Reply #14 on: July 03, 2014, 04:53:30 AM »

So Pomegranate Chadwick and the Wall Street Yachtsmen from Nantucket is probably not a blues show worth seeing?

Is Pom that man from Nantucket, then?
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« Reply #15 on: July 03, 2014, 05:34:44 AM »

I need you guys to vote in the poll I posted last night Wink
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