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Author Topic: The OC.net "Epilogue from Ohrid"  (Read 1443 times) Average Rating: 0
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NicholasMyra
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« on: September 06, 2012, 06:03:45 PM »

In which we post the Vita of our favorite Oc.net members.

A legend of Abba Achronos:

Abba Achronos was peeling a sugar cane when brother Apophis came to him lamenting, "Abba, I am in great travail. I have slept with a man's wife and now everywhere I go, I am assaulted by ticks!'

At that moment, the sugar cane snapped, and when the sweet sugar fell from within, it drove away the brother's ticks.

Abba Achronos said, "As the stalk cannot withstand the pressure of my peeler, so a woman yields willingly or unwillingly; such is her lot through Eve. It behoveth man to guard the peeler for the sake of woman, for whom he has reponsibility. The pure sugar produced from a broken and contrite spirit gives us only what is required, without excess or waste."

At this, the brother wept bitterly and his tears turned to amber. Upon each stone was written the word "metanoia". This is why it is said in Egypt: "It is May, the Nile runs amber like brother Apophis."


Severian and the Locusts

Once, a great plague of locusts descended upon the sedges of Alexandria, so that no papyrus could be manufactured that year.

The Latin, Byzantine and Coptic men of Alexandria, balking at the idea of not being able to write any scathing letters for a whole year, appealed to the holy men of the desert for help.

Psalmodising atop his date palm, the monk Severian received a runner from Alexandria. "O wise Severian," cried the runner, "all the sedges have been laid waste by a plague of locusts from Arabia!"

Severian shook his date palm violently until all of the palm branches were waving about in the breeze.

"Papyrus resurrection!" He shouted.

All across the land, the sedges stretched forth, and color returned to them. The bishops of Alexandria rejoiced, and so many letters were written that over twenty riots rocked the cities of Alexandria and Antioch that year.


An Adze for Augustin

The archimandrite subdeacon reader-vicar Augustin had been sent by the Archbishop of Bucharest to help with evangelization efforts in Sitka, Alaska.

One day, while he was walking among the totem poles, praying his rosary, a native approached him.

"Spiritual Father," the native exclaimed, "it is good for us to be here. I would like to prepare three totem poles: One for you, one for Holy Czar-Martyr Nicholas, and one for our heiromonk Aristides Swanson."

"Why do you want to give me a pole," ASdR-VFr. Augustin scolded, "when only one is worthy of honor, that is, God?"

"But Spiritual Father! I must do something with my grandfather's Adze, for it was hewn from the bone of a silver whale."

Augustin took the adze from the native man, and it immediately turned red with blood...

[manuscript damaged]

...And so, the native man and ASdR-VFr. Augustin walked away from the burning capitol building, rejoicing and praising God.

« Last Edit: September 06, 2012, 06:11:42 PM by NicholasMyra » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2012, 06:22:53 PM »

omg
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« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2012, 06:23:22 PM »

Verily Nicholas is an overworked graduate student studying the Desert Fathers long into the wee hours of the morning. After he receives his PhD, costing much but bringing in little, he will look back at this moment and realize it was the best of his life. His friends will mayhap take pity upon him, invite him into their homes, and make him the godfather of their screaming babes, but Nicholas will have only two options--either to be an eternal student or to sacrifice himself on the altar of the priesthood and hope to God he can find a wife before the bishop comes calling.
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« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2012, 06:26:48 PM »

Verily Nicholas is an overworked graduate student studying the Desert Fathers long into the wee hours of the morning. After he receives his PhD, costing much but bringing in little, he will look back at this moment and realize it was the best of his life. His friends will mayhap take pity upon him, invite him into their homes, and make him the godfather of their screaming babes, but Nicholas will have only two options--either to be an eternal student or to sacrifice himself on the altar of the priesthood and hope to God he can find a wife before the bishop comes calling.
It's not very Christian to condemn people to hell, Shanghaiski!

God protect me from the devil!
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« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2012, 07:01:05 PM »

Verily Nicholas is an overworked graduate student studying the Desert Fathers long into the wee hours of the morning. After he receives his PhD, costing much but bringing in little, he will look back at this moment and realize it was the best of his life. His friends will mayhap take pity upon him, invite him into their homes, and make him the godfather of their screaming babes, but Nicholas will have only two options--either to be an eternal student or to sacrifice himself on the altar of the priesthood and hope to God he can find a wife before the bishop comes calling.
It's not very Christian to condemn people to hell, Shanghaiski!

God protect me from the devil!

I have to agree; find thee a good Orthodox bride before the Bishop makes you an offer you cannot refuse.
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« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2012, 07:01:23 PM »

Orthonorm's Supper

Every Dormition Feast, in the Russian monastery at Bellingshausen Station, the monks gather round to have their one poultry meal of the year: Adélie penguin with mussel gravy.

In the 11th year of the reign of Putin I, the monks sat down to such a meal on a frigid August evening. The abbot of the monastery, Orthonorm, said a blessing for the food. One monk, however, in his haste to begin eating, had inhaled the scent of penguin wing too deeply. This left an opening for the enemy to enter in.

The Abbot Orthonorm, sensing the presence of an adversary, promptly grabbed the pitcher of mussel gravy and drank it all in one gulp.

The brothers gasped.

"Our feast!" One moaned.

"Freyja's cold has caught his mind!" Another weak brother shouted.

Abbot Orthonorm held up his hands to silence the brethren. He took in a great breath through his nose, and spat the mussel gravy upon the brother who had sniffed the penguin.

"It is not you I spit upon," the Abbot declared, "but upon the devil whom your gluttony invited!"

That brother repented in permafrost and ashes.
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« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2012, 07:06:22 PM »

I have to agree; find thee a good Orthodox bride before the Bishop makes you an offer you cannot refuse.
Why find an Orthodox bride when I can make an Orthodox bride?   Cool
« Last Edit: September 06, 2012, 07:06:55 PM by NicholasMyra » Logged

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« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2012, 08:51:08 PM »

(Oiy Veh! The Onion Dome has major competition)
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« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2012, 08:51:43 PM »

I can't wait for the ialmisry and PeterTheAleut ones.
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« Reply #9 on: September 06, 2012, 10:13:26 PM »

I can't wait for the ialmisry and PeterTheAleut ones.

SECONDED!!  laugh
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« Reply #10 on: September 06, 2012, 10:27:00 PM »

(Oiy Veh! The Onion Dome has major competition)

But more witty in a 'dark' sense!  Smiley
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« Reply #11 on: September 06, 2012, 10:52:09 PM »

I have to agree; find thee a good Orthodox bride before the Bishop makes you an offer you cannot refuse.

But venerable elder, I am still in my Orthodox youth.

I have to sow my wild handholding-through-a-hole-in-a-sheet's before I can think about marriage.
« Last Edit: September 06, 2012, 10:52:22 PM by NicholasMyra » Logged

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« Reply #12 on: September 06, 2012, 11:31:46 PM »

I can't wait for the ialmisry and PeterTheAleut ones.

Ialmisry's Journey through the Celestial Spheres

[THE FOLLOWING WAS REVEALED IN A VISION FROM THE GRIM REAPER TO THE PIOUS VASSAL SIKAMOROS THE BOGOMIL]

And it came to pass that the Elder Ialmisry departed this life.

He was greeted by St. Peter and Pope Pius X at the gates of Paradise. They both held giant silver keys in their hands.

"Ialmisry, my child, it turns out that, according to my associate here, the Lombardo-Gothic Carolingians were correct about the supremacy of Old Rome," said St. Peter.

The venerable Ialmisry shook his head. "I refuse to accept it," he replied.

Pope Pius X was taken aback by the Elder's stubbornness. "But you now stand in the very maw of Purgatory!"

The Elder patted out a few flames creeping up the side of his robe. "This fire is clearly immaterial," he answered.

"Fine, fine," said Pope Pius X. "The two of us shall have a contest. I'll summon my champion, and if you can defeat him, then I shall accept Roman Catholicism, and renounce Vaticanianism."

With a flourish, the venerable Ialmisry gave his assent.

And it came to pass, that a glowing light appeared, and a fourth man was found in their midst.

"Ialmisry, meet Beatus of Liébana, legendary geographer," Pope Pius boasted. "He is my champion; best him in a contest of cartography, and the day is yours."

"And what, pray tell, will we be mapping?" St. Beatus inquired.

"The Kingdom of Heaven!" St. Peter declared. "The first of you to map it correctly wins the faith!"

And it came to pass, that ink, quill and parchment were prepared for the two contestants. And it came to pass that, with a wave of their mighty keys, the Apostle and Pope signaled the start of the race.

The Elder Ialmisry began his labor with a small smile on his face.

St. Beatus scribbled furiously, blended colors, thrusting forth upon his canvas arching spears of latitudes and longitudes. Mountains arose, rivers filled, cities and townships were established. His compass danced across the parchment, carving out roads, tradeways, borders of empire. And it came to pass that after many hours, he arose from his work and shouted, "Complete!"

And the map was truly a grand affair. It was a worthy tapestry of terrain, fit to adorn the war-tent of the heavenly host.

"Fine and good," observed Elder Ialmisry, "but I finished an hour ago."

"Absurd!" scoffed Pope Pius X, "You've never even been inside the Gates behind us, and you think you've bested Beatus at mapping out the Kingdom of Heaven?"

Elder Ialmisry held up his parchment. Upon it he had drawn a small icon of Christ's Transfiguration.

"It's 'Reign of Heaven," the Elder corrected. "Haven't you read Fr. Romanides?"
« Last Edit: September 06, 2012, 11:34:40 PM by NicholasMyra » Logged

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« Reply #13 on: September 07, 2012, 04:10:36 PM »

ROFL!!

This thread needs more love.
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« Reply #14 on: September 07, 2012, 04:15:11 PM »

ROFL!!

This thread needs more love.

Agreed. One of your finest, Nicholas! 
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« Reply #15 on: September 07, 2012, 10:36:43 PM »


Ialmisry's Journey through the Celestial Spheres

[THE FOLLOWING WAS REVEALED IN A VISION FROM THE GRIM REAPER TO THE PIOUS VASSAL SIKAMOROS THE BOGOMIL]

And it came to pass that the Elder Ialmisry departed this life.

He was greeted by St. Peter and Pope Pius X at the gates of Paradise. They both held giant silver keys in their hands.

"Ialmisry, my child, it turns out that, according to my associate here, the Lombardo-Gothic Carolingians were correct about the supremacy of Old Rome," said St. Peter.

The venerable Ialmisry shook his head. "I refuse to accept it," he replied.

Pope Pius X was taken aback by the Elder's stubbornness. "But you now stand in the very maw of Purgatory!"

The Elder patted out a few flames creeping up the side of his robe. "This fire is clearly immaterial," he answered.

"Fine, fine," said Pope Pius X. "The two of us shall have a contest. I'll summon my champion, and if you can defeat him, then I shall accept Roman Catholicism, and renounce Vaticanianism."

With a flourish, the venerable Ialmisry gave his assent.

And it came to pass, that a glowing light appeared, and a fourth man was found in their midst.

"Ialmisry, meet Beatus of Liébana, legendary geographer," Pope Pius boasted. "He is my champion; best him in a contest of cartography, and the day is yours."

"And what, pray tell, will we be mapping?" St. Beatus inquired.

"The Kingdom of Heaven!" St. Peter declared. "The first of you to map it correctly wins the faith!"

And it came to pass, that ink, quill and parchment were prepared for the two contestants. And it came to pass that, with a wave of their mighty keys, the Apostle and Pope signaled the start of the race.

The Elder Ialmisry began his labor with a small smile on his face.

St. Beatus scribbled furiously, blended colors, thrusting forth upon his canvas arching spears of latitudes and longitudes. Mountains arose, rivers filled, cities and townships were established. His compass danced across the parchment, carving out roads, tradeways, borders of empire. And it came to pass that after many hours, he arose from his work and shouted, "Complete!"

And the map was truly a grand affair. It was a worthy tapestry of terrain, fit to adorn the war-tent of the heavenly host.

"Fine and good," observed Elder Ialmisry, "but I finished an hour ago."

"Absurd!" scoffed Pope Pius X, "You've never even been inside the Gates behind us, and you think you've bested Beatus at mapping out the Kingdom of Heaven?"

Elder Ialmisry held up his parchment. Upon it he had drawn a small icon of Christ's Transfiguration.

"It's 'Reign of Heaven," the Elder corrected. "Haven't you read Fr. Romanides?"

POST OF THE YEAR!!  laugh laugh laugh
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« Reply #16 on: September 07, 2012, 10:49:51 PM »

He couldn't have nailed Isa better.

Nicholas FTW, brilliance. I wish I could come up with something that good, bravo!
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« Reply #17 on: September 08, 2012, 03:38:39 PM »

And then the poor seminary scribe Nicholas, puffed up by the praise of his inferiors, was taken by ninjas in the middle of the night and sent to Siberia.

"At least it's not hell," he thought as he descended into the mines through the permafrost.
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« Reply #18 on: September 09, 2012, 02:31:02 AM »

And then the poor seminary scribe Nicholas, puffed up by the praise of his inferiors, was taken by ninjas in the middle of the night and sent to Siberia.

"At least it's not hell," he thought as he descended into the mines through the permafrost.

Quoth the hater:

"Gonna hate."
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« Reply #19 on: September 09, 2012, 03:59:23 PM »

I can't wait for the ialmisry and PeterTheAleut ones.

A Skicharionagigkovnenamorotou of PtA

The archon Peter went to market one day to buy raisin cakes.

Along the way, a devil took the form of a beggar to tempt him.

"Good sir," pleaded the devil, "I Beg of you just one thing."

"What is that?" Peter asked.

"The Question," replied the devil.

Peter's countenance grew fierce. "Petitio Principii!" he cursed at the devil.

It fled in distress.
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« Reply #20 on: September 09, 2012, 04:17:37 PM »

And then the poor seminary scribe Nicholas, puffed up by the praise of his inferiors, was taken by ninjas in the middle of the night and sent to Siberia.

"At least it's not hell," he thought as he descended into the mines through the permafrost.

Quoth the hater:

"Gonna hate."

Come now. If you think that was hateful, you have no imagination.
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« Reply #21 on: September 09, 2012, 04:19:24 PM »

Come now. If you think that was hateful, you have no imagination.
Haters are never actually hateful.

They're like the Marley's Ghosts of hating. They hate, but it availeth them not.
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« Reply #22 on: September 09, 2012, 04:21:22 PM »

Come now. If you think that was hateful, you have no imagination.
Haters are never actually hateful.

They're like the Marley's Ghosts of hating. They hate, but it availeth them not.

Marley's Ghost was actually very helpful.

Anyway, I'll try not to distress myself that I have been completely misunderstood (again).
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« Reply #23 on: September 11, 2012, 12:10:51 PM »

I can't wait for the ialmisry and PeterTheAleut ones.

A Skicharionagigkovnenamorotou of PtA

The archon Peter went to market one day to buy raisin cakes.

Along the way, a devil took the form of a beggar to tempt him.

"Good sir," pleaded the devil, "I Beg of you just one thing."

"What is that?" Peter asked.

"The Question," replied the devil.

Peter's countenance grew fierce. "Petitio Principii!" he cursed at the devil.

It fled in distress.

And then the devil muted him for 99 days!

 angel
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« Reply #24 on: September 13, 2012, 04:28:06 PM »

Really guys? Maybe this thread needs more anal sex, homphobia, sexual positions, the Vatican papists, and Fr. Seraphim Rose to be successful.

Isn't it funny how much those things have in common?
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« Reply #25 on: September 14, 2012, 10:05:41 AM »

Really guys? Maybe this thread needs more anal sex, homphobia, sexual positions, the Vatican papists, and Fr. Seraphim Rose to be successful.

Isn't it funny how much those things have in common?

I suppose you weren't referring to the fact that all of the phrases are in the English language?  Wink
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« Reply #26 on: September 17, 2012, 01:06:22 PM »

Verily Nicholas is an overworked graduate student studying the Desert Fathers long into the wee hours of the morning. After he receives his PhD, costing much but bringing in little, he will look back at this moment and realize it was the best of his life. His friends will mayhap take pity upon him, invite him into their homes, and make him the godfather of their screaming babes, but Nicholas will have only two options--either to be an eternal student or to sacrifice himself on the altar of the priesthood and hope to God he can find a wife before the bishop comes calling.
It's not very Christian to condemn people to hell, Shanghaiski!

God protect me from the devil!

I have to agree; find thee a good Orthodox bride before the Bishop makes you an offer you cannot refuse.

No kidding!  Smiley LOL
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« Reply #27 on: January 28, 2013, 10:54:13 PM »

Thread Resurrection!
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« Reply #28 on: January 30, 2013, 12:21:46 PM »

IMHO, after the "A legend of Abba Achronos" and "An Adze for Augustin,"  the quality went down from "pure genius" to "good."
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« Reply #29 on: June 25, 2013, 11:56:33 AM »

Thread resurrection!

I wish I had noticed this sooner. Thanks, Nicholas!
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« Reply #30 on: June 25, 2013, 12:05:57 PM »

Even though this is only one page in length, it is by far the best thread on oc.net. NicolasMyra is my new favorite poster.
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« Reply #31 on: June 25, 2013, 12:13:37 PM »

I liked the ones about Severian and Isa.
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Shanghaiski
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« Reply #32 on: June 25, 2013, 09:33:08 PM »

Thread resurrection!

I wish I had noticed this sooner. Thanks, Nicholas!

You haven't resurrected a thread in a long time.

Is that because of the rumor that you are a priest now? Or have I misread the rumor?
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Quote from: GabrieltheCelt
If you spend long enough on this forum, you'll come away with all sorts of weird, untrue ideas of Orthodox Christianity.
Quote from: orthonorm
I would suggest most persons in general avoid any question beginning with why.
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Saint Severus of Antioch - the Eloquent Mouth

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« Reply #33 on: June 25, 2013, 09:34:05 PM »

Thread resurrection!

I wish I had noticed this sooner. Thanks, Nicholas!

You haven't resurrected a thread in a long time.

Is that because of the rumor that you are a priest now? Or have I misread the rumor?
Lol wut?
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"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." -Jesus Christ

I am currently not an active poster on the forum. Please forgive any offense I might have caused in the past. Thank you.
Shanghaiski
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Holy Trinity Church of Gergeti, Georgia


« Reply #34 on: June 25, 2013, 09:36:13 PM »

Thread resurrection!

I wish I had noticed this sooner. Thanks, Nicholas!

You haven't resurrected a thread in a long time.

Is that because of the rumor that you are a priest now? Or have I misread the rumor?
Lol wut?

You didn't get the congratulatory memo from His Holiness Pope Tawadros II? The candidate is always the last to know.
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Quote from: GabrieltheCelt
If you spend long enough on this forum, you'll come away with all sorts of weird, untrue ideas of Orthodox Christianity.
Quote from: orthonorm
I would suggest most persons in general avoid any question beginning with why.
Severian
God save Egypt, Syria, Lebanon & Iraq
Protokentarchos
*********
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Faith: Miaphysite Orthodoxy
Jurisdiction: The Church of Alexandria
Posts: 5,047


Saint Severus of Antioch - the Eloquent Mouth

Partisangirl
WWW
« Reply #35 on: June 25, 2013, 09:44:16 PM »

Thread resurrection!

I wish I had noticed this sooner. Thanks, Nicholas!

You haven't resurrected a thread in a long time.

Is that because of the rumor that you are a priest now? Or have I misread the rumor?
Lol wut?

You didn't get the congratulatory memo from His Holiness Pope Tawadros II? The candidate is always the last to know.
Lol, no. I guess I'm the Paulinianus of the Coptic Church.
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"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." -Jesus Christ

I am currently not an active poster on the forum. Please forgive any offense I might have caused in the past. Thank you.
Tags: lives of the saints  cheval mort  not the teaching of islam Apocryphal musings cheval amusant 
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