Do you fellows ever experience this same feeling? You go on spending all week as if you were an animal--eating like a glutton, laughing with friends, masturbating & looking up porn etc. Then once Sunday arrives you feel really guilty and enter God's Church feeling ashamed? I see the Icons by the Altar; of St. John the Baptist, the Theotokos, Jesus and then our matron St. Christina of Tyre. And as I look into their eyes I feel a sense of guilt and sorrow, like they are thinking or saying 'I know what you did, but why?' and I just sense disappointment, yet a small but persistent voice urging me to become better, telling me that it is never the wrong time to do what is right.
This is what I feel very often. And I have to make some serious changes in myself to become a better person. Everyone I know--whether on the forum or at my Church--constantly tells me that I am so 'gifted' or have 'so much godly potential' and things like that, yet even if this 'gift' and 'potential' exists, I still abuse it and use it for wrongdoing most of the time. I use my brains to criticize Orthodoxy when I am depressed or having bouts of negative emotion, which probably causes many people to stumble--and I am entirely accountable for it. This is probably my worst vice--next to excessive masturbation, misogyny/porn and obsession with money.
I find it odd. Last night--after expressing some nasty views about money & women--my mother was lecturing me about greed and my attitude toward money and women. (I had said something along the lines of that I would rather have a 'cheap hoe than an expensive good woman and family that I would have to pay to take care of) And I was even rudely counting my money while she was lecturing me! I felt pretty bad afterward. My mother usually does not affect me very much, but this lecture of hers really sunk in deep and made me sad, especially when she said that she is worried I am growing into the type of man that she does not want me to be.
And on top of all this guilt from everything, even the sermon and gospel reading at Liturgy today felt like it was directed toward me! My Priest reads the story of the rich man and Jesus and I feel like every word being spoken is directed toward me. I don't get it though! How could I be rich? The only reason I am obsessed with money is because we never really had it! Yet, I still feel guilty. I'm still trying to make out how this story relates to me. I may seem obsessed with money, but my intentions are always good. I focus on collecting money precisely so I could use it for good. I only buy myself religious books and Icons to help me be a better Orthodox Christian, and most everything else I get goes to charity. Right now I have a jar with $257.12 of hard-earned money inside of it that I saved up all on my own from working, allowances and selling things and I plan to donate it to some good religious cause at the end of the year.
Is it possible that even if your intentions are good, you could still become obsessed with money to an unhealthy extent? Anyhow, I guess I just feel guilty. Liturgy always does this to me. Especially right before going up to receive the Mysteries. Do any of you ever experience anything like this?