So... at this point, only atheism and Orthodoxy make any sense to me. Given that...
Fwiw, (if you don't recall/know) I'm approaching this as someone who has bounced between unbelief and belief the last half dozen years. So I feel your pain.
If I'm not religious: Humanity is dominated by primitive urges, petty, and ultimately meaningless. I am a social outcast and struggle to attach artificial meaning to my life.
If I'm religious: Humanity is dominated by the passions, petty, and in deep peril of eternal damnation. I am a social outcast and a sinner, and struggle with enduring doubts the rest of my life.
I similarly feel torn, especially because for me, I feel like if I'm "going to do the religion thing" then I've got to do it full force, 100%, the whole way. If I'm going to do it, I don't wanna half a** it. Unfortunately I don't have any profound or magic words for you to sway you towards Orthodoxy. I just keep getting drawn back. Perhaps you do as well? Perhaps, perhaps not. I've found that my doubts have lessened over the years, fwiw... though a lot of that was deciding that a lot of my doubts just weren't the theological/practical mountains I wanted/thought them to be. Or so I tell myself. Now, when I read about demons influencing us so we're tempted, do I just swallow it hook, line and sinker? No. I still struggle with such things. Perhaps I'm too modern. So what are we to do? I don't know, except try.
And do. Doing is important in Orthodoxy. Not just thinking, but actually doing. Not figuring things out by thinking them through, but experiencing life. Is that enough? I don't know. Conversion of heart is what is needed, conversion daily, if Orthodoxy is correct. But like I said, nothing profound here. I guess all I'm trying to do is say, yeah, other people are also struggling along the same lines (I think?) Keep going. The only failure is in throwing your hands up in the air and giving up, IMO. If we are sincere and honest and open, I think we'll come out ok in the end. Even if I don't claim to know what that end will be.
But them I might be too much of an optimist!
(Yes, I'm mostly a pessimist by nature.)
If you must be a pessimist, don't think of the glass as half empty, but rather at least imagine it as having been half drunk by you already. At least get something out of the deal!
