I'm new here. I've spent the last three years examining and reading about Orthodoxy from an outside perspective. I've attended some Lutheran and mostly Protestant churches growing up. At some times, abandoning my faith entirely. For the last year and half I have believed everything I've read about in Eastern Orthodoxy. I follow this faith behind closed doors. Yet, I have some Greek Orthodox friends who are frustrated with my spiritual path in the Orthodox Church without being baptized. I've only been to Liturgy a couple times. However, I think I have a problem to commitment and I'm not sure entirely which kind of Orthodox Church to attend and be baptized in. My beliefs follow mostly Greek Orthodox, (then outside readings from ROCOR). As much as I am a structured person, I still have a problem performing rituals too. I don't know entirely what I am doing or if I offend anyone by not kissing the icons. I'm worried I'll offend the church by not attending Orthos in the morning, but the truth is I don't know know if I am allowed to attend Orthos before Liturgy if I'm such a Novice to Orthodoxy.
Also, I am afraid of compromising my real internal relationship with Christ for an external relationship, while performing these traditions. I finally warmed up to the Saints and Angels existing around me, but I am not quite comfortable praying directly to them. I do pray indirectly to them through God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Also, I'm trying to confess by my tongue that the Theotokos is Holy, but it's difficult for me to fully accept. I know I need to talk to a priest about all this. It is kind of like swimming. The water is cold, but once I swim around enough I'll get use to it. I know I just need to attend Liturgy on Sundays regardless.
However, my other minor details are like surrounded in the fact I need to get nice clothes to wear for service, and that actual Greek Churches are really far away from where I'll be living soon. The truth sometimes is I wonder how much God really cares that I am Orthodox? I wonder if that before the Throne He will judge me for being Orthodox or not. I don't want to fall into heresy and false teaching (as seen in 2 Peter), but I guess I am just kind of lost at words and confused. My Orthodox friends confused me. Some of them don't live the "holy lifestyles" I would imagine. They then seem to judge me entirely for just simply not being baptized yet. To them, it seems their "salvation" comes before mine, simply based on Orthodoxy (I know too, overall, I should not be critical and keep to myself). That is what keeps me scared and skeptical of the whole situation. I guess, what advice would you have for someone like me? I know I need to just attend church and dive in, and ask a priest. What more can anyone say about this? Thank you.