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Author Topic: Contradictions in Parenting  (Read 784 times) Average Rating: 0
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JamesR
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« on: July 06, 2012, 03:01:49 PM »

A few things I observe among my parents and I wanted some insight or opinions from other parents who probably do the same things.

First question, why do parents urge their children to be confident and stand up for themselves when they are being mistreated or cheated and to not just be sheep if we want to make it anywhere in the world, but, the moment their children employ this tactic against them, they get angry and expect their children to just blindly obey them even though that is precisely what they formerly advised their children not to do in life? In other words, it seems like they are saying 'Stand up for yourself in this world against everyone else and don't be sheep, but when we are mistreating you, don't stand up to us.' It just seems kind of contradictory.

Why do parents say that it is good to question everything and research it lest you be taken advantage of in life and not be fooled, but when they tell you to do something and you ask them why, they get upset? It seems like they constantly give advice but the moment you employ it on them, they get angry.

Why do parents say that you should always obey and respect them, never arguing with them and keeping their opinions in mind, even when you are an adult. But everytime our grandparents are over, my parents end up arguing with them? So they want me to respect and always obey my parents--even as an adult--even though they cannot even do the same thing? Whenever I bring this up to them, their only answer is 'Well, we're not as bad as our parents (my grandparents) are so it's different,' This seems far from satisfactory because can't I then just as easily do the same thing to my parents when I become a man and tell my future children the same thing?

Why do parents tell you not to do certain things even though they themselves did them and turned out fine? For example, don't have sex until you are married or it could screw up your life even though my mom got pregnant with me at fifteen and turned out fine?

Lastly, why do parents say that they love you all equally even though they clearly show signs of favoritism for the younger child? Me being the oldest, they generally come down on me the hardest and expect me to keep the younger ones in line, and whenever a younger one misbehaves, they usually just let it go, but whenever I--the oldest one--does something stupid (which I rarely do) all Hell breaks loose and they crack down on me?

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You're really on to something here. Tattoo to keep you from masturbating, chew to keep you from fornicating... it's a whole new world where you outsource your crosses. You're like a Christian entrepreneur or something.
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James, you have problemz.
HabteSelassie
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« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2012, 03:22:30 PM »

Greetings in that Divine and Most Precious Name of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

I can't answer this as a parent, but I can as an educator who deals with kids on a daily basis (except for at the moment, GOD BLESS SUMMER VACATION Wink

A few things I observe among my parents and I wanted some insight or opinions from other parents who probably do the same things.

First question, why do parents urge their children to be confident and stand up for themselves when they are being mistreated or cheated and to not just be sheep if we want to make it anywhere in the world, but, the moment their children employ this tactic against them, they get angry and expect their children to just blindly obey them even though that is precisely what they formerly advised their children not to do in life? In other words, it seems like they are saying 'Stand up for yourself in this world against everyone else and don't be sheep, but when we are mistreating you, don't stand up to us.' It just seems kind of contradictory.

Firstly, I've never disciplined a student or child relative for anything that wasn't deserved.  I learned at a seminar some ridiculously good advice about parenting or teaching or any leadership responsibility over children.  Whenever we are about to correct, stop, otherwise discipline a child, we should always pause and reflect on the why.  If there truly is not actually good reason aside from working our nerves, then we should let them be. So kids are making noise, or doing something we don't like. If there is truly no harm in their behavior, then it is in fact more harmful to try to correct it.  Always pause for a few seconds and think before jumping in to discipline a child, there may simply be no reason aside from a subconscious power trip.

That being said, people should stand up for yourself, but learning to stand up against authority is a matter of style and taste.  You must do it in a way which is the most-effective, has the most impact without self-destructing.  Kids CAN rebel against their parents, so long as its not a mutiny.  Parents don't mind their kids doing new things, its all about the vibe, the approach.  Is the rebellion respectful? That is the key issue.  When kids respect their parents, they will be conscious of how their new decisions affect other people, and they will be more careful with them. Remember, kids, especially teenagers, are rather rash and impulsive, but enforcing the arbitrary authority of "parents" or "teachers" on them, it requires them to learn the art of finesse which means everything.  In life, sometimes it is not what you do or say that is important, but how you do our say it. 

Quote
Why do parents say that it is good to question everything and research it lest you be taken advantage of in life and not be fooled, but when they tell you to do something and you ask them why, they get upset? It seems like they constantly give advice but the moment you employ it on them, they get angry.

House Rules:

1) Mom is always right.

2) IF Mom is wrong, see rule 2.

You will learn this rule applies with ALL women in general, especially including spouses Smiley


Quote

Why do parents say that you should always obey and respect them, never arguing with them and keeping their opinions in mind, even when you are an adult. But everytime our grandparents are over, my parents end up arguing with them? So they want me to respect and always obey my parents--even as an adult--even though they cannot even do the same thing? Whenever I bring this up to them, their only answer is 'Well, we're not as bad as our parents (my grandparents) are so it's different,' This seems far from satisfactory because can't I then just as easily do the same thing to my parents when I become a man and tell my future children the same thing?

That is because parents are humans too, and humans wear many hats, play many roles.  When our parents get together with their parents, they are no longer parents at all, but revert to childhood.  That is the appropriate role to play.  Why do you think that sometimes people can actually have a better relationship with grandparents? It is because the roles change.  Grandparents are bit more more like friends or siblings in this regard.

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Why do parents tell you not to do certain things even though they themselves did them and turned out fine? For example, don't have sex until you are married or it could screw up your life even though my mom got pregnant with me at fifteen and turned out fine?

It is called good advice, parents are trying to help their children benefit from a lifetime of experience which teenagers have not had the benefit of living yet.  Its called distilled wisdom.  When I was a teenager, I was very wise to hear what the grown folk were always talking about it, they called me an "old soul".  The best thing young people can do is listen, even if they disagree. 

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Lastly, why do parents say that they love you all equally even though they clearly show signs of favoritism for the younger child? Me being the oldest, they generally come down on me the hardest and expect me to keep the younger ones in line, and whenever a younger one misbehaves, they usually just let it go, but whenever I--the oldest one--does something stupid (which I rarely do) all Hell breaks loose and they crack down on me?

Get over it, everyone is different. Our relationships are different.  Jealousy is destructive, don't feed it.

Now to get the heart of all these sour grapes, heed some age old advice.

Psychologists tell us that we never truly grow up and mature as adults, until we learn to forgive our parents of every mistake we hold against them.
  They are just people, they have the same natural flaws we all do, and they were just trying their best.  Some people learn this early on, some people have to wait until they themselves are parents, some never learn it all and live their lives stunted and immature, as kind of pseudo-adults.  Cultivate empathy.

stay blessed,
habte selassie
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"Yet stand aloof from stupid questionings and geneologies and strifes and fightings about law, for they are without benefit and vain." Titus 3:10
ialmisry
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« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2012, 03:37:50 PM »

A few things I observe among my parents and I wanted some insight or opinions from other parents who probably do the same things.

First question, why do parents urge their children to be confident and stand up for themselves when they are being mistreated or cheated and to not just be sheep if we want to make it anywhere in the world, but, the moment their children employ this tactic against them, they get angry and expect their children to just blindly obey them even though that is precisely what they formerly advised their children not to do in life? In other words, it seems like they are saying 'Stand up for yourself in this world against everyone else and don't be sheep, but when we are mistreating you, don't stand up to us.' It just seems kind of contradictory.

Why do parents say that it is good to question everything and research it lest you be taken advantage of in life and not be fooled, but when they tell you to do something and you ask them why, they get upset? It seems like they constantly give advice but the moment you employ it on them, they get angry.

Why do parents say that you should always obey and respect them, never arguing with them and keeping their opinions in mind, even when you are an adult. But everytime our grandparents are over, my parents end up arguing with them? So they want me to respect and always obey my parents--even as an adult--even though they cannot even do the same thing? Whenever I bring this up to them, their only answer is 'Well, we're not as bad as our parents (my grandparents) are so it's different,' This seems far from satisfactory because can't I then just as easily do the same thing to my parents when I become a man and tell my future children the same thing?

Why do parents tell you not to do certain things even though they themselves did them and turned out fine? For example, don't have sex until you are married or it could screw up your life even though my mom got pregnant with me at fifteen and turned out fine?

Lastly, why do parents say that they love you all equally even though they clearly show signs of favoritism for the younger child? Me being the oldest, they generally come down on me the hardest and expect me to keep the younger ones in line, and whenever a younger one misbehaves, they usually just let it go, but whenever I--the oldest one--does something stupid (which I rarely do) all Hell breaks loose and they crack down on me?


don't know.  You would have to ask my sons' mother (not recommended), though she favors the elder.
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A hasty quarrel kindles fire,
and urgent strife sheds blood.
If you blow on a spark, it will glow;
if you spit on it, it will be put out;
                           and both come out of your mouth
Mokek Kwe
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« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2012, 12:20:30 PM »

A few things I observe among my parents and I wanted some insight or opinions from other parents who probably do the same things.

First question, why do parents urge their children to be confident and stand up for themselves when they are being mistreated or cheated and to not just be sheep if we want to make it anywhere in the world, but, the moment their children employ this tactic against them, they get angry and expect their children to just blindly obey them even though that is precisely what they formerly advised their children not to do in life? In other words, it seems like they are saying 'Stand up for yourself in this world against everyone else and don't be sheep, but when we are mistreating you, don't stand up to us.' It just seems kind of contradictory.

Why do parents say that it is good to question everything and research it lest you be taken advantage of in life and not be fooled, but when they tell you to do something and you ask them why, they get upset? It seems like they constantly give advice but the moment you employ it on them, they get angry.

Why do parents say that you should always obey and respect them, never arguing with them and keeping their opinions in mind, even when you are an adult. But everytime our grandparents are over, my parents end up arguing with them? So they want me to respect and always obey my parents--even as an adult--even though they cannot even do the same thing? Whenever I bring this up to them, their only answer is 'Well, we're not as bad as our parents (my grandparents) are so it's different,' This seems far from satisfactory because can't I then just as easily do the same thing to my parents when I become a man and tell my future children the same thing?


It sounds like you may be having communication issues with your own parents? (am I wrong?)

I can only answer as the mother of a 3 year old.
I have worked very hard to teach her to be assertive, and polite/tactful when needed.
When she asks why (the first time), I realize that I didn't communicate to her why something was neccessary. Sometimes, the answer has to be, "Obey now, and I'll explain later," but I try to always address it.
We can't change the way our parents are parenting us, but we can take note and remember the approaches that probably would have worked better for each of us, to try to employ those tactics with our own children.
I'm not sure if I answered any of your questions in any way that is helpful at all for you, but hopefully I helped somewhat.
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Baptized with my husband and our four year old daughter on May 4, 2013
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