Author Topic: lame jokes  (Read 11164 times)

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Offline Chiere

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #90 on: September 26, 2014, 05:33:36 AM »
These jokes are really funny. I'm splitting my sides laughing. :)
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Offline Tallitot

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #91 on: November 25, 2014, 02:57:14 PM »
 A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus…. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Proverbs 22:7

Offline Asteriktos

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #92 on: December 25, 2014, 01:31:11 AM »
An immature, young man wanted to wed an old man's daughter, but the young man knew that the Father was opposed to the wedding, so rather than ask for his blessing he asked if the old man knew of any advice he could give from the Bible. "Aye," the Father said, "The Bible made this prophecy about you: 'Eat, drink, and get married, and tomorrow you die.'"
"Well, do I convince you, that one ought never to despair of the disorders of the soul as incurable? ...For even if thou shouldst despair of thyself ten thousand times, I will never despair of thee" - St. John Chrysostom

Offline Georgii

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #93 on: December 25, 2014, 02:49:54 AM »
· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Never try this one on an actual German - you'll just get a pronunciation lesson.

Meter-long German sausages, hah! Russian sausages are a verst.
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Offline Georgii

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #94 on: December 25, 2014, 03:11:40 AM »
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Fish.
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Offline hecma925

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #95 on: December 25, 2014, 03:14:35 AM »
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Fish.

That made me laugh.
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Offline Georgii

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #96 on: December 25, 2014, 03:19:55 AM »
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Fish.

That made me laugh.

That's a running joke between my wife and I: we call movies or any other art with a surrealist bent "fishy".
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Offline Maria

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #97 on: January 28, 2015, 01:03:42 AM »

You will think.... as you read it ..... Because as stupid as it may sound, this is exactly what we do!

GOD to ST. FRANCIS :
Frank , ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
 
 
   
   
            
            


The memory of God should be treasured in our hearts like the precious pearl mentioned in the Holy Gospel. Our life's goal should be to nurture and contemplate God always within, and never let it depart, for this steadfastness will drive demons away from us. - Paraphrased from St. Philotheus of Sinai
Writings from the Philokalia: On Prayer of the Heart,
Translated from the Russian by E. Kadloubovksy and G.E.H. Palmer, Faber and Faber, London, Boston, 1992 printing.

Offline Luke

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #98 on: January 28, 2015, 01:16:39 AM »
I was shocked to learn my toaster is not waterproof.  :)

Offline Tallitot

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #99 on: January 28, 2015, 03:33:44 AM »
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Proverbs 22:7

Offline hecma925

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #100 on: January 28, 2015, 07:21:21 AM »
I was shocked to learn my toaster is not waterproof.  :)

I'll test that theory the next time I take a bath.
Happy shall he be, that shall take and dash thy little ones against the rock. Alleluia.

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Offline biro

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #101 on: January 28, 2015, 10:14:07 AM »
A little not-so-serious commentary on the storm that hit the Northeast: "Can you still see your dog?"

http://m.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-30995619
My only weakness is, well, never mind

And you'll sleep, but they'll find you

Come back my dream into my arms, into my arms

London is drowning, and I live by the river

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Offline Luke

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #102 on: February 03, 2015, 11:29:45 PM »
 :)   Toward the end of the Super Bowl game, the Seattle assistant coach was speaking with the head coach.  The assistant coach said, “We only have time for one more offensive play.  Let's make a touchdown.”
   The head coach replied, “No, I think I'll pass.”

Offline Tallitot

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #103 on: February 04, 2015, 07:53:44 PM »
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"
 "Why shouldn't I?" he said.
 I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
 He said, "Like what?"
 I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
 He said, "Religious."
 I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
 I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"
 He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
 I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"
 He said, "Baptist church of god!"
 I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?"
He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!"
 I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"
 He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!", and pushed him off...
Proverbs 22:7

Offline Tallitot

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #104 on: January 25, 2017, 09:55:03 AM »
What does the Secret Service yell when there's a security incident close to the president?
'Donald, Duck!"
Proverbs 22:7

Offline minasoliman

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #105 on: August 31, 2017, 10:19:43 AM »
How did you do on your Church history paper?

https://twitter.com/panmidwest/status/902685361524105217
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Offline RaphaCam

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #106 on: August 31, 2017, 12:26:20 PM »
"My friend told me onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut on his face."
"May the Lord our God remember in His kingdom all Holy Catholic Apostolic Church, which heralds the Word of Truth and fearlessly offers and distributes the Holy Oblation despite human deficiencies and persecutions moved by the powers of this world, in all time and unto the ages of ages."

May the Blessed Light shine Forth

Offline Luke

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #107 on: April 22, 2018, 04:43:17 PM »
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” -- Bob Hope

Offline Luke

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #108 on: June 29, 2018, 06:55:21 PM »
A photon checks into a motel.  When asked if it needs help with its luggage, the photon replies, "No, I am traveling light."

Offline Alpha60

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #109 on: July 02, 2018, 08:11:11 AM »
My mother’s favorite stupid joke, of her own invention (my ego overrides my sense of filial piety and compels me to give credit, if credit is the right word, where credit is due, in this case):

What goes oom?
A cow walking backwards.

 :-X
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Offline Orthodox_Slav

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #110 on: July 02, 2018, 08:41:52 AM »
the biggest joke

Heresy!
"Two Romes fell, a third stands, and there will not be a fourth one."—Philotheus of Pskov

Offline Luke

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #111 on: July 02, 2018, 10:27:02 AM »
YOU MATTER.

Until you travel at the speed of light squared.  Then you energy.

Offline BrotherInChrist

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #112 on: July 08, 2018, 06:10:43 PM »
I'd make a cheesy joke, but I know if I did I'd get grilled for it.

Offline Luke

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #113 on: August 05, 2018, 01:28:27 AM »

Offline Jackson02

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Re: lame jokes
« Reply #114 on: August 05, 2018, 01:33:00 AM »
"Don't keep Orthodoxy to yourself as if it were some private treasure. Share it!"

Fr. Seraphim Rose