Well, my Baptism is this Saturday and I am really nervous, anxious, excited yet afraid all at the same time. On top of all of this, there are some more issues arising with my mother which I knew would happen. Recently she has been making it very clear to me how she disapproves of my Baptism and thinks that I am getting it done for the wrong reason. She asked me why I want to be Baptised, and my response was 'To become a part of the Church; the New Covenant, God's people' and she misinterpreted me, took it the wrong way and went total Evangelical with how my purpose should be to 'express my love for Jesus, not join a Church'. I'm not sure where that came from, but, I hate how she never understands my views or responses. As if expressing your love to Jesus is mutually exclusive to becoming a part of His Church. Why does she separate the two? Anyhow, she does not approve of it at all, yet, for some reason, she is still going to be attending this Saturday and I have to say that I am even more nervous than before. She has already very rudely made it clear how she disapproves of my decision, so why would I even want her to attend? It is just going to add more stress to me worrying about what she must be thinking while it is happening.
Why does she hate my conversion so much? Another strange thing that she told me was that I should consider myself lucky because after me, she is not allowing any of her younger children to convert to a different religion until they are adults. In a sense, I feel like I screwed everything up for my younger siblings now. What if they ever want to convert to Orthodoxy when they become older? I may have ruined it by causing my mother to adopt such an anti-conversion attitude hostile to Orthodoxy.
I know that blessed is my reward in Heaven for awknowledging God over my mother who has been holding me back, and that I should just take her disapproval like a man and focus on God, but I'm not entirely capable. I still love her as my mother. We still had pretty crappy lives together and crappy situations bring people closer. I still see that poor young girl who was abused by her family, who had me at fifteen and raised me the best she could and absolutely loved me. I just want her to be happy for me and I want to make her happy. I know that I have to make decisions for myself being that I'm older now and God comes first, but deep down I still want to make my mother happy. I've tried explaining myself to her before but she never listens or understands.
What do I do?