I hope you'll rethink. It's like St. Paul said, "This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief. However, for this reason I obtained mercy, that in me first Jesus Christ might show all longsuffering, as a pattern to those who are going to believe on him for everlasting life." I used to struggle a lot with the type of thing you're talking about, until I thought, do I imagine that I've beaten God? Do I think that I've sinned enough that He's no longer able to forgive me? This was really significant for me, because I realized that until then I had half-consciously been thinking that God was forgiving me because my sins weren't really all that bad. It sounds like you've lost your confidence in yourself, which is a good thing, but only if it's the foundation of gaining confidence in God. Once you openly admit that you don't have a lot going for you, and you're just looking to God to save you, there's not much of a "game" to be played anymore, in the Church or anywhere else.
I'm sorry if I've been a bit nosy or presumptuous; I know I don't really know that much about you, but I definitely wish you the best.