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Author Topic: I'm such a hypocrite inside  (Read 581 times) Average Rating: 0
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GTAsoldier
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« on: May 30, 2012, 11:22:29 AM »

Peace. I really hope that I don't sound like a broken record to you all.

I keep committing the same old sins over and over again. Harboring slanderous thoughts, fighting them off with other slanderous thoughts, jerking off, falling into lust, being internally angry with others when they judge me, criticize me, or play jokes with me to arouse my temper. The more I try to fight them off, the more I fail and be driven to uncertainty, apathy, and meaningless-ness.

The more I try to repent, the worse my sins appear to me. It makes me feel like I'm further away from God than I originally thought and that I'm not repenting correctly or that I'm not praying right or with true repentant fervor. It's like paying lip-service.

There are times when I harbor righteous thoughts, but my faulty self won't act upon them at the risk of being hypocritical. Then again, I just try to perform good acts towards others (helping my family in day-to-day activities for instance), but something tells me it's not enough to receive God's mercy and spirit within me. It's like the thorns of this world are choking me by the moment. I understand that living a life in Christ calls us to be not of this world, but I can't shake the notion that includes being "above it" as in being in the "in-crowd". So now I'm having a bit of an identity and faith crisis.

Believe it or not, before my quest into Orthodoxy I was part of that SNR (Spiritual but not Religious) crowd when I was fed up with the state of Christianity in the West. Now that I'm on the path to Orthodoxy, all the hypocrisies that I was fed up with are really revealed within myself. This has caused me to feel at war with myself internally. If I can't be at peace with myself, who in God's name will I be at peace with?

All my life I sought to avoid getting on everyone's bad side and be right with them (God, family, friends). Now I realize that that you can't be right with everyone no matter what happens. And some of the things I ask for, I don't deserve at all because I think my motives and intentions are completely off track, if not perverse.

Pray for me,

Jade
« Last Edit: May 30, 2012, 11:32:27 AM by GTAsoldier » Logged

God be merciful to us sinners.

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the best way of conveying God's love to people is through your own presence and deeds.
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« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2012, 11:26:59 AM »

My opinion:
Quote
The more I try to repent, the worse my sins appear to me
I would say this is a good thing. The more we sincerely ask for mercy, the more we realize how badly we need it.

Quote
I keep committing the same old sins over and over again. Harboring slanderous thoughts, fighting them off with other slanderous thoughts, jerking off, falling into lust, being internally angry with others when they judge me, criticize me, or play jokes with me to arouse my temper. The more I try to fight them off, the more I fail and be driven to uncertainty, apathy, and meaningless-ness
Repentance is a constant turning to God. We will continually fall. We will never be perfect this side of the Kingdom.

Lord have mercy.

PP
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« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2012, 11:48:58 AM »

My opinion:
Quote
The more I try to repent, the worse my sins appear to me
I would say this is a good thing. The more we sincerely ask for mercy, the more we realize how badly we need it.

+1. The further you move into the Light of Christ, the more you can see how far you are from His perfection. The important thing is not to despair but give glory to God that He is giving you this opportunity to increase your reliance on Him.


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GTAsoldier
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2012, 11:54:02 AM »

Thanks for the replies so far. But another thing I'm having issues with is the thanksgiving to God. How can I properly thank Him without being prideful? How can I know that God is being merciful to me or hearing my prayers?
« Last Edit: May 30, 2012, 11:58:32 AM by GTAsoldier » Logged

God be merciful to us sinners.

Quote from: IoanC
the best way of conveying God's love to people is through your own presence and deeds.
No longer posting on this forum. Thanks to all the helpful people who inspired me. God bless.
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« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2012, 11:56:05 AM »

Everything witega and PP said are very true.  In addition, concentrate on doing good things.  Repent of the sinful actions you do.  But keep in mind that sin is not a thing, it's a state.  You are in sin.  So am I.  The more you do good things for other people, the more you praise God and show Him your love, the harder it will be for sin to take root.  At the same time, even if you are sinning less they will look all the worse.  As long as you can perceive that the things you are doing are wrong, that means your conscience and Guardian Angel are working.  It's when you just don't care anymore and don't even recognize your sins that you have a real problem.  As it is, just pray, repent, and try to follow Christ's example.

Peace.
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« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2012, 01:35:28 PM »

Hi Jade,

 My advice will probably be a little unOrthodox, so take it with a grain of salt.

 First, I'd have a talk with those who are pushing you around trying to get the best of you.  Keep it simple, but be assertive.  Let them know that you don't appreciate it, even if they're joking.  If that doesn't work, then give them what they want- your temper.  Hit fast and hit hard.  If you've requested them to stop multiple times and they continue, well then they deserve it.  Otherwise, you're gonna be their toy until someone moves away.  I know this sounds unChristian, but a man must stand up for himself; a man must defend himself.  Do you want the reputation that you're a push-over?  What happens when you get married?  Are you gonna stand up for your wife and family or just roll over? 

 Here's a couple other bits of advice.  Try volunteering at an elderly nursing home.  The lessons you will learn there will be worth pure gold.  Plus, it'll teach you how to be humble.

 Additionally, maybe you could take up Karate or another martial art.  The discipline is really great, plus if people know you're taking karate, maybe your "friends" won't be so quick to mess with you. 

 Lastly, and I'm boring myself saying this, put prayer really does work.  Most of the time, I don't want to pray either.  Boring boring boring... but when I force myself to do it, I do feel better have a little more clarity. 

 PS- Do you read Scripture?  If you have a Bible, do it.  As an Orthodox Christian, it'll seem weird, but do it anyway.
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« Reply #6 on: May 30, 2012, 01:40:03 PM »

Greetings in that Divine and Most Precious Name of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

Thanks for the replies so far. But another thing I'm having issues with is the thanksgiving to God. How can I properly thank Him without being prideful? How can I know that God is being merciful to me or hearing my prayers?

By being honest with God.  God knows who you are, even better than yourself!  God accepts us as we are, flaws and all.  If He didn't, we'd spontaneously combust at the first instances of sin.  So just relax a bit.  It is appropriate to struggle.  I would say this.  Do you have a spiritual Father? Fathers are sent to us by God to be our grace-ordained therapists.  Further, they are like fathers in our lives, who help care for our needs by God's Grace.  So that should be where you discuss these matters often as needed.  In your prayers, just be honest and be yourself.  That is all God asks of us, especially when we are being tried.

stay blessed,
habte selassie
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« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2012, 02:20:33 PM »

Brother,  all of what has been said is great advice.  I know exactly where you are coming from.  As the others have said, keep praying and stay on the path.  What I have noticed is that change happens gradually and can only be seen in retrospect.  Even though I often feel that I am letting God down and not doing well in my Christian life, if I look back at where I was in the past, I can see the changes that have happened so far.  Becoming Orthodox and attempting to live a Christian life, as poorly as I feel I have done so far, I can really see that the Holy Spirit has been at work in my life.  As St. Paul would say, stay in the race.

Lord have mercy!
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« Reply #8 on: May 30, 2012, 02:22:03 PM »

Thanks for the replies so far. But another thing I'm having issues with is the thanksgiving to God. How can I properly thank Him without being prideful?

It's entirely possible that you can't. Don't worry about it. Doing the right thing, even if it's in an imperfect way or with mixed motives is still doing the right thing. Think of it as spiritual exercise. The first time you go to throw a football or ride a bike or whatever, you don't do it perfectly. But the way to get better is not to sit and wait, it's to keep doing it and keep trying to do it better until you actually get better.

Be open with God--He knows what's in your heart, but admit to Him that you know it too, that you know your gratitude towards him is a weak and defective thing. And ask Him to continue to bear with you and to purify you and teach you how pray.

Maybe someday you will reach the point where you can do everything out of pure love for God, completely unadulterated with selfishness, pride, fear. But that is the level of the great saints. Work on getting there, but if you don't ever reach the level of a St. Anthony or a St. Seraphim, know that God died for you and is seeking to save you anyway.


Quote
How can I know that God is being merciful to me or hearing my prayers?

Trust. Sometimes you can see it. Sometimes it comes down to pure decision to trust in what you cannot see.
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« Reply #9 on: May 30, 2012, 04:12:08 PM »

Thanks for the replies so far. But another thing I'm having issues with is the thanksgiving to God. How can I properly thank Him without being prideful?

Give thanks for all that you have and all that is in your life. God has sustained you, after all, due to nothing of your own glory ("if You should mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand?"), but of His own love for you. As we pray in the introduction to every Coptic hour, from the Thanksgiving prayer: "O Master, Lord, God the Almighty, the Father of our Lord, God, and Savior, Jesus Christ, we thank You for every condition, concerning every condition, and in every condition, for You have covered us, helped us, guarded us, accepted us unto You, spared us, supported us, and have brought us to this hour."

When you pray with the realization that God has granted you every breath, it becomes really hard to be prideful. Or at least that's the idea. Smiley We of course still struggle with our fallen human nature, but again, God still sustains us, so give thanks and praise always, and take strength from God. He has transformed many a hypocrite into a saint. The fact that you see your own hypocrisy and are struggling with it would suggest that you are on the right path. We should all realize the same in ourselves.
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« Reply #10 on: May 30, 2012, 04:35:24 PM »

Peace. I really hope that I don't sound like a broken record to you all.

I keep committing the same old sins over and over again. Harboring slanderous thoughts, fighting them off with other slanderous thoughts, jerking off, falling into lust, being internally angry with others when they judge me, criticize me, or play jokes with me to arouse my temper. The more I try to fight them off, the more I fail and be driven to uncertainty, apathy, and meaningless-ness.

The more I try to repent, the worse my sins appear to me. It makes me feel like I'm further away from God than I originally thought and that I'm not repenting correctly or that I'm not praying right or with true repentant fervor. It's like paying lip-service.

There are times when I harbor righteous thoughts, but my faulty self won't act upon them at the risk of being hypocritical. Then again, I just try to perform good acts towards others (helping my family in day-to-day activities for instance), but something tells me it's not enough to receive God's mercy and spirit within me. It's like the thorns of this world are choking me by the moment. I understand that living a life in Christ calls us to be not of this world, but I can't shake the notion that includes being "above it" as in being in the "in-crowd". So now I'm having a bit of an identity and faith crisis.

Believe it or not, before my quest into Orthodoxy I was part of that SNR (Spiritual but not Religious) crowd when I was fed up with the state of Christianity in the West. Now that I'm on the path to Orthodoxy, all the hypocrisies that I was fed up with are really revealed within myself. This has caused me to feel at war with myself internally. If I can't be at peace with myself, who in God's name will I be at peace with?

All my life I sought to avoid getting on everyone's bad side and be right with them (God, family, friends). Now I realize that that you can't be right with everyone no matter what happens. And some of the things I ask for, I don't deserve at all because I think my motives and intentions are completely off track, if not perverse.

Pray for me,

Jade


Depends on what you really want right now.Do you want to fully live a religious life and dedicate your whole being into it?Than I advice you to do things even if they feel hypocritical.. will is something that needs to be trained.. and chances are that that thought "it might be hypocritical" might be from the devil.. not all things have a good mood from the start.. that`s why they need training.. hard things need training.. sometimes things formally frameworked tend to give the impression of stillness and "hypocrisy".. but... you don`t get a better satisfaction if you have them giving the desired result and happening according to plan..


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« Reply #11 on: May 30, 2012, 04:37:28 PM »

Thanks for the replies so far. But another thing I'm having issues with is the thanksgiving to God. How can I properly thank Him without being prideful? How can I know that God is being merciful to me or hearing my prayers?

just do it... do not bother about originality and originality will come someone wise said..
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« Reply #12 on: May 30, 2012, 04:39:58 PM »

how can you know prayers are heard or answered or that you receive the mercy you asked?it is when things you asked in prayer or related things to what you asked in prayer happen either adliteram or pedagogical(showing you that what you asked was not really good for you).
« Last Edit: May 30, 2012, 04:40:18 PM by Azul » Logged

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« Reply #13 on: May 30, 2012, 04:47:16 PM »

Quote
Then again, I just try to perform good acts towards others (helping my family in day-to-day activities for instance), but something tells me it's not enough to receive God's mercy and spirit within me.

Absolutely nothing we do will be worthy of receiving God's mercy. Good deeds and prayer don't make us any more worthy than a prostitute who worships the flying spaghetti monster (it was the first thing that I could think of). If your dad offers you $5000 for brushing your teeth in the morning, was it because you deserve it or because he is compassionate and loving? We still have to do our part (by walking in the path in which we were taught and constantly asking for mercy and forgiveness), but the reward we're getting for "good deeds" is much greater than we think.

I used to think that the more I do "good", the more I'll get gold stars and make it to Heaven, but here is an awesome response by Fr. Peter: http://tasbeha.org/content/community/index.php/topic,11522.msg138786.html#msg138786
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