Lord have mercy!
James, being true to oneself is a great strength, AFAIAC. whatever ones purpose may be , a person who is true to himself/himself is capable of achieving it because he or she will see reality as it is and strategise accordingly.I think you did a marvelous thing when you sat down and thought deeply about your behavior. it is also a sign of the inherent goodness of your character that you learnt from that book the importance of being kind,loving,gentle, at the same time how sinful-anger and its manifestations serve as breeding ground for evil.I believe that internal goodness is the lens of those who experience life in all its beauty and ugliness yet learn to be a better person,as a result and/or in-spite of it. while the same experience can leave others to increase in evil. a person can read many books and we can call him/her a well read person, yet what he or she has learnt from reading say.. hamlet might be , the role of poison, the different kinds of poison (the herbal and the ideological)how to perfect the art of poisoning in their persuit of power, the art of betrayal etc..all for themselves to emulate. while others who have read the same book might have learnt about love, suffering and its impact, kindness and loyalty, the negative impact of greed, envy, lust, etc... at the same time pragmatically realising the negative potential inherent in things and a moral building up of the person occurs because of the lens through which one sees the very same thing. you are a wonderful person, to realise that you must change and for the better by reading that book so take courage,what is internal in you is not darkness but goodness, and you are on the right track.
Christianity is not a costume we put on, on certain stages, and take off on others. it must change us, and to our very core,because of that and rightfully so, it is there at the core of what we are that the intense battle rages.Battles have costs we must consider what those are by looking at ourself deeply and honestly as well as our enemy, so we can strategise . The Holy Spirit, uses all sorts of things to grab our attention from our slumber, and invite us to what will transfigure us if we are willing to pay the price: which the perfect tell us that its no price at all. take a time to meditate on this passage of the Scripture Luke 14:28-35.
May the Prayers of the Saints be with you! Get close to your spiritual father, listen to what he has to say and practice obedience, do acts of humility( genuine humility). Psychological help is wonderful to have to help you get to the bottom of things and get help in fixing them the best way for all involved.
May the Protection of the Mother of God be with you, and shelter you from what haunts all mankind. Amen.