I think I have an idea where the OP is coming from. I think that he has been investigating religion, and had been led to Orthodoxy by some means. He wants to believe in God, yet has been having doubts lately. For some reason, he thought that Orthodoxy was his last hope to find belief in God. For some reason he recently became dissapointed in it, or something happened to make him question the "legitimacy" of Orthodoxy. Now he wants to throw it all to the wind because Orthodoxy was the last "stop" on his journey towards finding faith. Now he feels "resigned" to atheism.
Is this accurate, Mint?
What if this were true?
then you can tell us some of the things that have been troubling you about the faith, and we can talk about them. I went through the same path, which is why it seemed a familiar one to me.
If I could reclaim all the hours I've wasted recounting my developing experience on discussion boards like this, who knows how young I'd be! It's a constant reenactment, writing a novel just to bring some disinterested audience 1/16 up to speed so they can facilitate some smart-jack response.
I have wasted more than 5 years of my life, dropped out of graduate school, and nearly became a monk all for the pursuit of something called God and His Son Jesus, I have wrestled with God with nearly every waking breath, I have been sent to therapy because my piety was leading an identity crisis, I have tried running away from God, I have tried practicing Dzogchen and seriously believed that I was karmically destined to practice Dzogchen, and then I get swept up again in this Christianity thing again which I can't escape, and I get really really really excited to finally become Orthodox, something I've wanted to do since first studying the Fathers in college, and, you know what, as much as I can have faith that there is a God and that all the modernist biblical scholars are viewing Scripture through postmodernist Glasses, I can equally feel like a shipwrecked sailor clutching to a piece of driftwood hovering above the abyss of the dark sea below. I realize that I practice religion because I'm not Brad Pitt who has a busy schedule. I practice religion because I want to believe there's a god, I want to believe the Buddhists are wrong, I want to believe there is hope, I want to believe that if what Jesus said is true then the Orthodox Church is the true church, I want to believe because the sun rises, the Northern Cardinal eats its food without malice but with thanksgiving, and behind each face lies a story that extends backwards in time throughout the generations.
And screw you yuppies who are to judge me.