Topic: Presidential Debates Agreement

[TomS]

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
by CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY
Issue of 2004-10-04
Posted 2004-09-27

At no time during these debates shall either candidate move from their designated area behind their respective podiums.

ùFrom the agreement worked out for the Presidential debates.

Paragraph Two: Dress.
Candidates shall wear business attire. At no time during the debates shall either candidate remove any article of clothing, such as tie, belt, socks, suspenders, etc. Candidates shall not wear helmets, padding, girdles, prosthetic devices, or ôelevatorö-type shoes. Per above, candidates shall not remove shoes or throw same at each other during debate. Once a debate is concluded, candidates shall be permitted to toss articles of clothing, excepting underwear, into the audience for keepsake purposes.

Paragraph Six: Hand gestures.
ôItalian,ö ôFrench,ö ôLatino,ö ôBulgarian,ö or other ethnic-style gestures intended to demean, impugn, or otherwise derogate opponent by casting aspersions on opponentÆs manhood, abilities as lover, or cuckold status are prohibited. Standard ôAmericanö-style gestures meant to convey honest bewilderment, doubt, etc., shall be permitted. Candidates shall not point rotating index fingers at their own temples to imply that opponent is mentally deranged. Candidates shall at no time insert fingers in their own throats to signify urge to vomit. Candidates shall under no circumstances insert fingers into opponentÆs throat.

Paragraph Seventeen A: Bodily fluids-Perspiration.
Debate sponsors shall make every effort to maintain comfortable temperature onstage. Candidates shall make reasonable use of underarm deodorant and other antiperspirant measures, subject to review by Secret Service, before the debates. In the event that perspiration is unavoidable, candidates may deploy one plain white cotton handkerchief measuring eight inches square. Handkerchief may not be used to suggest that opponent wants to surrender in global war on terrorism.

Paragraph Forty-two: Language.
Candidates shall address each other in terms of mutual respect (ôMr. President,ö ôSenator,ö etc.). Use of endearing modifiers (ômy distinguished opponent,ö ôthe honorable gentleman,ö ôPookie,ö ôDiddums,ö etc.) is permitted. The following terms are specifically forbidden and may not be used until after each debate is formally concluded: ôgirlie-man,ö ôdraft dodger,ö ôdrunk,ö ôignoramus,ö ôJesus freak,ö ôfrog,ö ôbozo,ö ôwimp,ö ôtoad,ö ôlickspittle,ö ôrat bastard,ö ôpolluting bastard,ö ôlying bastard,ö ôdemon spawn,ö ôarchfiend,ö or compound nouns ending in ô-holeö or ô-ucker.ö

Paragraph Fifty-eight: Spousal references.
Each candidate may make one reference to his spouse. All references to consist of boilerplate praise, e.g., ôI would not be standing here without [spouseÆs first name]ö or ô[SpouseÆs name] would make a magnificent First Lady.ö Candidates shall not pose hypothetical scenarios involving violent rape or murder of opponentÆs spouse so as to taunt opponent with respect to his views on the death penalty.

Paragraph Ninety-eight: Vietnam.
Neither candidate shall mention the word ôVietnam.ö In the event that either candidate utters said word in the course of a debate, the debate shall be concluded immediately and declared forfeit to the third-party candidate.

[Nacho]

LOL!!!!

Too bad no real questions will be asked anyway at the debates. If I were the moderator, I would have both candidates sweating.

My first line of questioning would probably be along the lines of illegal immigration which is of course one of the biggest things on the mind of your average citizen, but we all know that will be brushed aside in the debates. Here are a few examples:

1.Mr. Bush or Mr. Kerry, what are you going to do about the illegal invasion that is costing us billions every year???
2.Mr. Bush or Mr. Kerry, what will you do about closing down our borders???
3.Mr. Bush & Mr. Kerry, what will you do about the illegals busting out our hospitals causing many of them to shut down or go bankrupt??
4. Mr. Bush or Mr. Kerry, what are you going to do about the disenfranchisement (of mostly poor African Americans) & discrimination of poor americans in some inner city areas that can't get jobs because they don't speak spanish??
5. Mr. Bush or Mr. Kerry, what are you going to do about poor american children not getting a fair shake in our education system because they have  to sit through half the class listening to a spanish interpreter???
6. Mr Bush or Mr Kerry, there are reports of islamic radicals slipping across the mexican -US Border, what is your plan to stop this so we don't get hit again like 9/11???


Of course if these real questions were asked I'm sure you would hear nothing but dead silence because they both are selling us down the river on these kind of issues.

[Jakub]

What debate ? They can't ask each other direct questions, the moderator does.

My favorite Pres. was Theodore Roosevelt ! Walk softly and carry a BIG stick!

JB

[MsGuided]

I thought that was "speak softly"

Either way, good theory

[Jakub]

MsGuided,

You're correct, I've had one too many Yogi-isms today.

james

[Ebor]

MsGuided,

You're correct, I've had one too many Yogi-isms today.

james

"Let's to see what the tourists have in their pic-a-nic baskets, Boo-Boo."
"Mr. Ranger isn't going to like that, Yogi."

 

Ebor

[Anastasios]

The rules of engagement don't matter because the networks basically told the candidates to shove it. They said they would ask what they wanted and film what they wanted. Frankly, I agree with them.

Anastasios