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Author Topic: How do you deal with an impossible person.  (Read 930 times) Average Rating: 0
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athos
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« on: January 02, 2012, 03:54:35 PM »

I have a person in my family that has some very problematic character traits.
She is over sensitive, very easily offended.
She thinks she is always right.
She never feels the need to apologize about anything.
She is very mistrustful. She thinks everyone is out to get her.
She sometimes has paranoid fears about things or people.
She is very egocentric, seems to have ulterior motives for everything.
She lies casually even to herself.
She is very headstrong and will do things her own way, and in much anger if you don't agree, even resulting in breaking things because of her anger.
She doesn't understand the importance of rules.
There is no such thing as criticism in her vocabulary, If you try to correct her, she perceives it as personal attack, yelling, and offense.
She values strangers on the internet more than her own family.
She has very odd sleeping circles.

This person is poisoning my family, but she is family. I feel very distressed and frustrated to have her so close, she is dependent financially on us,so I can't just let her go.
What can I possibly do?



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quietmorning
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« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2012, 04:13:24 PM »

Pray for her and ask the Lord to remove your buttons so that you can respond to her in love no matter what she comes up with instead of reacting to her.  Realize that she can only push your buttons if you have them in front of her to push. 

You cannot change her.  You will never change her.  Only God can.  You yourself can change far easier, and in doing so, learn to relate to her - because there are 'hers' all over the world in every walk of life.  If you can learn how to love and relate to her, you can just about love and relate to anyone. 

It's a hard place to be, but if you will thank God FOR her, He will use her to hone and change YOU to the person He wants you to be. 

Smiley And from experience, I've found that you really can't escape this person until you yourself have changed in the way that God is looking for.  So, get comfy. (Even if you escape her. . .there will be another one just as willing to take her place so's you can grow some more.)

It's amazing that when you finally get this, suddenly the people that were like this in your life suddenly just aren't so very very bad.  They are just hurting human beings that need prayer.

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« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2012, 04:15:29 PM »

Pray for her.

See if you can find a counselor who will talk to her.

Lord have mercy.
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« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2012, 05:46:18 PM »

In addition to the very sound advice already given, having her evaluated by a Psychologist and Psychiatrist probably wouldn't be a bad idea.
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« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2012, 05:49:47 PM »

I have a person in my family that has some very problematic character traits.
She is over sensitive, very easily offended.
She thinks she is always right.
She never feels the need to apologize about anything.
She is very mistrustful. She thinks everyone is out to get her.
She sometimes has paranoid fears about things or people.
She is very egocentric, seems to have ulterior motives for everything.
She lies casually even to herself.
She is very headstrong and will do things her own way, and in much anger if you don't agree, even resulting in breaking things because of her anger.
She doesn't understand the importance of rules.
There is no such thing as criticism in her vocabulary, If you try to correct her, she perceives it as personal attack, yelling, and offense.
She values strangers on the internet more than her own family.
She has very odd sleeping circles.

This person is poisoning my family, but she is family. I feel very distressed and frustrated to have her so close, she is dependent financially on us,so I can't just let her go.
What can I possibly do?


The Lord gives us a method for conflict resolution in Matthew 18.  Our namby-pamby culture does not like to follow the Lord's methods, but they work.   You cannot skip to step three, however.  You must follow it all the way through.    
« Last Edit: January 02, 2012, 05:50:55 PM by FatherHLL » Logged
athos
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« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2012, 11:28:18 AM »

@quietmorning: Thank you for your wonderful thoughts.
I do pray for her. And I try to be silent most of the time, but even my silence is perceived negatively as she assumes the worst for it. Having a (new)dysfunctional family puts our faith at test. My parents were people of prayer and so the family environment I was raised in, didn't have those problems. I have strong examples to follow but a weak self to motivate in prayer through all those temptations.
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« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2012, 11:51:27 AM »

Athos, is this your two-year old child or someone else in the family's?  Basically, what it boils down to is that two-year olds are hard to deal with.  But don't worry, she'll grow out of it.  If you are her parent this is your responsibility and you need to deal with it.  You might need to grow up a bit as well.  If this is a sibling's child, they need your help.  You should stand by them and do everything you can to be a good example for this growing child.

(I assume that the person you are talking about is a two year old, as that is what your description leads me to believe.  If I assume wrong, I apologize.  In this case, I believe a 2x4 might be appropriate.)

Hope this helps!

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« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2012, 12:19:04 PM »

No, its a 55yr old

Athos, is this your two-year old child or someone else in the family's?  Basically, what it boils down to is that two-year olds are hard to deal with.  But don't worry, she'll grow out of it.  If you are her parent this is your responsibility and you need to deal with it.  You might need to grow up a bit as well.  If this is a sibling's child, they need your help.  You should stand by them and do everything you can to be a good example for this growing child.

(I assume that the person you are talking about is a two year old, as that is what your description leads me to believe.  If I assume wrong, I apologize.  In this case, I believe a 2x4 might be appropriate.)

Hope this helps!

 Wink
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« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2012, 02:19:47 PM »

FWIW, I can empathize with the situation you are in. A few years ago I had lost my job and was forced to move in with my father and his mentally unstable wife. Your description of the individual in your life could very well apply to my father's wife.

I spoke with my priest, my Spiritual Father, and the only advice they could give me was to pray. And so I did.

Eventually the Lord presented an opportunity for me to be able to leave and not have to deal with her anymore. (Barring the occasional 2 or three times a year for holidays, but that's much better than every day!)

Prayer really is the best answer. God will provide a way, although you may not see it now.

Also, if she refuses to seek mental help, it may not be a bad idea for you to see a therapist to help you deal with her personality. I know I became very depressed and suicidal while living under hostile conditions. I do not want the same for you. Glory to God I was able to get out!
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« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2012, 02:26:10 PM »

greetings in that divine and most precious name of our lord and savior jesus christ!

I have a person in my family that has some very problematic character traits.
She is over sensitive, very easily offended.
She thinks she is always right.
She never feels the need to apologize about anything.
She is very mistrustful. She thinks everyone is out to get her.
She sometimes has paranoid fears about things or people.
She is very egocentric, seems to have ulterior motives for everything.
She lies casually even to herself.
She is very headstrong and will do things her own way, and in much anger if you don't agree, even resulting in breaking things because of her anger.
She doesn't understand the importance of rules.
There is no such thing as criticism in her vocabulary, If you try to correct her, she perceives it as personal attack, yelling, and offense.
She values strangers on the internet more than her own family.
She has very odd sleeping circles.

This person is poisoning my family, but she is family. I feel very distressed and frustrated to have her so close, she is dependent financially on us,so I can't just let her go.
What can I possibly do?





There is a long list of "she is this" and "she is that" and all of the items listed are negative.  Flip your script.  Make a list of the positive aspects of of the person and the positive contributions she makes to your life and family and try to remind yourself of those whenever your get upset.Take James 4 to heart, let the Grace of God heal your pain and anxieties about this person's idiosyncrasies, and hope for the best.  If you love this person, let your love drive you towards forgiveness (which implies acceptance).  That is what I tell myself in the same circumstances Smiley

also:

Try not to take it personally, even if people are arguing with you directly and by name, the problem is rarely you, it is them.  Even when we argue with people by name, often inside it isn't them, its us.  That being said, you can't change her heart and mind, only God's Grace can achieve this.  So pray for God's Grace for you and she both.  

1) Don't take anything personal.
2) Always try your best.
3) Be impeccable with your words.
4) DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.

stay blessed,
habte selassie
« Last Edit: January 03, 2012, 02:26:34 PM by HabteSelassie » Logged

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« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2012, 05:20:28 PM »

@quietmorning: Thank you for your wonderful thoughts.
I do pray for her. And I try to be silent most of the time, but even my silence is perceived negatively as she assumes the worst for it. Having a (new)dysfunctional family puts our faith at test. My parents were people of prayer and so the family environment I was raised in, didn't have those problems. I have strong examples to follow but a weak self to motivate in prayer through all those temptations.

I try to keep in mind that the peace given to me is mine and I can only give it up if I want to give it up.  There are times when I enjoy something no one else enjoys and they want to make a squawk about it . . . I just keep right on enjoying it and let them have their party by themselves.  I don't have to join them in their stuff if I don't want to.  When it gets really off the wall ugly, then I can excuse myself or pray the Jesus Prayer while they are going off the deep end. 

Their opinions are theirs, not mine. . .and they can have them.  It's not going to change me, and just because they are hyper reactive doesn't mean my opinion needs to change or be wrong. 

But this is the most important thing.  If I'm dead to this world, then they can argue and fight all they want. . . a corpse doesn't have an issue with it.  Corpse's are dead.  Sometimes I grants me quite a smile to remember the rant is going up into the face of me the dead to this world corpse. . . full tilt. . .and there well. . .just isn't what they want out of it. . .so I go about my way. . . **chuckles** No worse for wear. 

This goes a long long way of toward not taking this person's 'stuff' into your 'stuff'. . . while this person would love to make it yours, it isn't yours . . . and the minute you 'react' to her instead of responding to her, you take her stuff.  It isn't yours to take. 

Sometimes, if I need to, I excuse myself to give myself a break.  But think of this . . . how much power are you giving this person just because she's acting differently from what you are used to?  Is she really in the place of God?  Is she that powerful?  She's a woman a little older than I am. . . lemme tell ya a secret. . . my bones are getting brittle, I have acid indigestion more times than not, I have a pot belly, I have to wear bifocals, and my morning run to the bathroom is getting . . .um . . .more and more uncomfortable. 

I just ain't that intimidating any more. **wink**

Don't let this person intimidate you, either.  You have Christ in you, He has overcome the world. 

She's different from what you are used to.  Love her as God made her. . . just as. . .and you'll be amazed at what happens. 

One of the things I did for one of my family members - I'd catch her doing good.  Then when she was completely alone, I'd tell her that I caught her and saw what she did.  She at first wouldn't take the compliments - they HAD to be sincere.  Then in time, she began to say 'thank you' . . . and she became less and less angry. . .

to find out she was angry at HERSELF all along.  Then I heard the rest of the story about why this person was the way she was. . .why she hurt so much.  It broke my heart.

Praying for you, your family and this new family member. Lord have mercy.




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« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2012, 06:27:26 PM »

I know that this is not as helpful as what others have written, but if I would have to live closely with someone as you describe, I would pray for death.  I would not be specific as to whether it was theirs or mine.
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« Reply #12 on: January 05, 2012, 04:30:37 PM »

First you start thinking more about yourself and less about her.
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« Reply #13 on: January 06, 2012, 03:01:00 AM »

I have a person in my family that has some very problematic character traits.
She is over sensitive, very easily offended.
She thinks she is always right.
She never feels the need to apologize about anything.
She is very mistrustful. She thinks everyone is out to get her.
She sometimes has paranoid fears about things or people.
She is very egocentric, seems to have ulterior motives for everything.
She lies casually even to herself.
She is very headstrong and will do things her own way, and in much anger if you don't agree, even resulting in breaking things because of her anger.
She doesn't understand the importance of rules.
There is no such thing as criticism in her vocabulary, If you try to correct her, she perceives it as personal attack, yelling, and offense.
She values strangers on the internet more than her own family.
She has very odd sleeping circles.

This person is poisoning my family, but she is family. I feel very distressed and frustrated to have her so close, she is dependent financially on us,so I can't just let her go.
What can I possibly do?





She's probably a narcissist: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652/DSECTION=symptoms

The best thing to do is pray for her and leave her alone as much as possible. Narcissists are always in it for themselves and never meet people half-way for anything.
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