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Author Topic: Attempting to Understand an Introvert  (Read 6581 times) Average Rating: 0
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« Reply #90 on: November 15, 2011, 10:24:48 PM »

RE how do i handle conflict


i run away

This is my problem. If I have to talk to him about something, and he doesn't like the topic, he just shuts down.

Literally.

He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.
Based solely on what I read here, I would say this is an unhealthy avoidance behavior bordering on the passive-aggressive. An introvert can learn how to address conflict in a healthy manner, but that requires a willingness to talk about what's bothering him.

Do you have professional qualifications in any area of psychology?

Do you?
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« Reply #91 on: November 16, 2011, 06:04:59 AM »

RE how do i handle conflict


i run away

This is my problem. If I have to talk to him about something, and he doesn't like the topic, he just shuts down.

Literally.

He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.
Based solely on what I read here, I would say this is an unhealthy avoidance behavior bordering on the passive-aggressive. An introvert can learn how to address conflict in a healthy manner, but that requires a willingness to talk about what's bothering him.

Do you have professional qualifications in any area of psychology?

Do you?

Sorry, i was asking PtA.
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« Reply #92 on: November 16, 2011, 07:01:29 AM »

Let's not derail HandmaidenOfGod's very interesting thread. Smiley Noone is offering to do professional therapy for which a license is needed, just offering some interesting points to be considered.   I'm sure you wouldn't ask a mother, who says her child might have chicken pox, if she is a medical doctor.

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« Reply #93 on: November 16, 2011, 12:27:28 PM »

One thing to remember is that extroverts and introverts have different ways of drawing in and expending mental and emotional energy. Extroverts draw their energy from being with people and find alone time psychological draining, while introverts are the exact opposite, drawing their energy from being alone and finding time with people draining.

This is key to understanding introverts and extroverts. For example, we had a big function on Saturday (work-related, over 600 people, most of 'em Greeks- and I think I interacted and spoke with every single one of them!) The next day I felt like I was coming down with the flu, I was so tired. I needed to sit with a cup of coffee and stare into space for awhile - in silence - before I felt halfway able to function.

We're not being antisocial - we're exhausted by you noisy extroverts.

I was once at a workshop on this very subject and the facilitator asked us to separate into groups according to whether we were introverts or extroverts. When she asked us introverts if we had anything to say to the extroverts, one woman looked at the other group and said, gently, but with feeling, "Shut up!"
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« Reply #94 on: November 16, 2011, 12:39:39 PM »

a southern accent is always loved by northerners. and besides, chicago is the midwest, not the north

Not to derail this interesting thread, but it's been my experience that Northerners think Southerners sound ignorant. And anyone north of the Mason-Dixon line, whether it's New York or Chicago, is a Yankee. Sorry to disapoint.
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« Reply #95 on: November 16, 2011, 12:50:10 PM »

a southern accent is always loved by northerners. and besides, chicago is the midwest, not the north

Not to derail this interesting thread, but it's been my experience that Northerners think Southerners sound ignorant. And anyone north of the Mason-Dixon line, whether it's New York or Chicago, is a Yankee. Sorry to disapoint.
Funny, Roe Kahn, one of the local Chicago talk greats, just remarked on how whenever anyone imitates a lawyer here, they put on a southern accent.  Of course, that might just be a comment on the intelligence of laywers.

Btw, most of Illinois is south of the Mason-Dixon line.
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« Reply #96 on: November 16, 2011, 12:51:03 PM »

One thing to remember is that extroverts and introverts have different ways of drawing in and expending mental and emotional energy. Extroverts draw their energy from being with people and find alone time psychological draining, while introverts are the exact opposite, drawing their energy from being alone and finding time with people draining.

This is key to understanding introverts and extroverts. For example, we had a big function on Saturday (work-related, over 600 people, most of 'em Greeks- and I think I interacted and spoke with every single one of them!) The next day I felt like I was coming down with the flu, I was so tired. I needed to sit with a cup of coffee and stare into space for awhile - in silence - before I felt halfway able to function.

We're not being antisocial - we're exhausted by you noisy extroverts.

I was once at a workshop on this very subject and the facilitator asked us to separate into groups according to whether we were introverts or extroverts. When she asked us introverts if we had anything to say to the extroverts, one woman looked at the other group and said, gently, but with feeling, "Shut up!"
LOL. QFT.
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« Reply #97 on: November 16, 2011, 01:45:59 PM »

One thing to remember is that extroverts and introverts have different ways of drawing in and expending mental and emotional energy. Extroverts draw their energy from being with people and find alone time psychological draining, while introverts are the exact opposite, drawing their energy from being alone and finding time with people draining.

This is key to understanding introverts and extroverts. For example, we had a big function on Saturday (work-related, over 600 people, most of 'em Greeks- and I think I interacted and spoke with every single one of them!) The next day I felt like I was coming down with the flu, I was so tired. I needed to sit with a cup of coffee and stare into space for awhile - in silence - before I felt halfway able to function.

We're not being antisocial - we're exhausted by you noisy extroverts.

I was once at a workshop on this very subject and the facilitator asked us to separate into groups according to whether we were introverts or extroverts. When she asked us introverts if we had anything to say to the extroverts, one woman looked at the other group and said, gently, but with feeling, "Shut up!"

His behavior is in line with your statements.

I guess my question is, well, when is it okay to talk?

It seems like for introverts, there is never enough silence to be had, and there is always too much talking.

I'm used to talking out my thoughts, talking out my ideas before coming to a final decision. With Jon, he doesn't speak until a decision is concrete in his mind. As a result, he sometimes puts more weight on my words than I associate with them. I've tried to be more measured in my speech, but it's difficult, since I've never really thought about it before.

My mother, who grew up in a household that repressed emotions and feelings, always encouraged my sister and I to be very expressive. For a gregarious individual such as myself, this was great.

Now I find I'm having to be more measured in my expression. While there is prudence in thinking before you speak, I also feel stifled a bit. Like a bird who had her wings trimmed.

*Just to clarify: it's not that Jon has told me to not speak or not express myself, rather I am trying to modify my extroverted ways to be more accommodating to his introverted nature. This is an initiative I have taken up on my own, have not discussed with him, and he has not asked me to "shut up." So, I don't want anyone to think he is psychologically manipulating me or controlling me.

He's never asked me to not talk, but I can tell he values silence.
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« Reply #98 on: November 16, 2011, 02:04:39 PM »

I'll admit that I would find the world much easier to navigate if it were much, much quieter, but I don't think that's the extroverts' responsibility. Just like your boyfriend would not like to be forced to talk, you do not like to be forced to keep silent. It should be about striking a proper balance so that you two can get along better, he can understand your family and your family can understand him, etc. Things like that. If I were you, I wouldn't think "when is it okay to talk"; I would try to think "when my significant others' behavior seems strange to me, here is why" (thinking back on everything you've learned from introverts in this thread). Because you're right: There's no use in trying to make things as quiet as he would like them, because that's too much silence for you. I presume you are dating a man, not a child, so he should just deal with it, to a certain extent. It'll be good for him in the long run (this is why I make a point to spend time around extroverted friends of mine; even if I usually end up leaving the party before everyone else, at least I get out of my comfort zone for a bit.) And if he seems to be worn out after a certain point in a social interaction, now you understand why and don't have to beg him to explain it to you, which just seems frustrating and awful. But in any case, his mood certainly shouldn't control your mood! Smiley
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« Reply #99 on: November 16, 2011, 02:17:49 PM »

I'll admit that I would find the world much easier to navigate if it were much, much quieter, but I don't think that's the extroverts' responsibility. Just like your boyfriend would not like to be forced to talk, you do not like to be forced to keep silent. It should be about striking a proper balance so that you two can get along better, he can understand your family and your family can understand him, etc. Things like that. If I were you, I wouldn't think "when is it okay to talk"; I would try to think "when my significant others' behavior seems strange to me, here is why" (thinking back on everything you've learned from introverts in this thread). Because you're right: There's no use in trying to make things as quiet as he would like them, because that's too much silence for you. I presume you are dating a man, not a child, so he should just deal with it, to a certain extent. It'll be good for him in the long run (this is why I make a point to spend time around extroverted friends of mine; even if I usually end up leaving the party before everyone else, at least I get out of my comfort zone for a bit.) And if he seems to be worn out after a certain point in a social interaction, now you understand why and don't have to beg him to explain it to you, which just seems frustrating and awful. But in any case, his mood certainly shouldn't control your mood! Smiley

You're absolutely right; and I will try to keep this in mind going forward. Smiley

It will not be easy, but as Shakespeare wrote, "the course of true love never did run smooth."  laugh
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« Reply #100 on: November 16, 2011, 08:58:20 PM »

Was Jesus an introvert?
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« Reply #101 on: November 16, 2011, 09:11:54 PM »

Highly doubt it.
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« Reply #102 on: November 16, 2011, 09:31:29 PM »

Was Jesus an introvert?

How is that relevant to the discussion?
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« Reply #103 on: November 16, 2011, 09:48:11 PM »

Was Jesus an introvert?

"And he spake to his disciples, that a small ship should wait on him because of the multitude, lest they should throng him." - Mark 3:9
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« Reply #104 on: November 16, 2011, 09:59:45 PM »

One thing to remember is that extroverts and introverts have different ways of drawing in and expending mental and emotional energy. Extroverts draw their energy from being with people and find alone time psychological draining, while introverts are the exact opposite, drawing their energy from being alone and finding time with people draining.

This is key to understanding introverts and extroverts. For example, we had a big function on Saturday (work-related, over 600 people, most of 'em Greeks- and I think I interacted and spoke with every single one of them!) The next day I felt like I was coming down with the flu, I was so tired. I needed to sit with a cup of coffee and stare into space for awhile - in silence - before I felt halfway able to function.

We're not being antisocial - we're exhausted by you noisy extroverts.

I was once at a workshop on this very subject and the facilitator asked us to separate into groups according to whether we were introverts or extroverts. When she asked us introverts if we had anything to say to the extroverts, one woman looked at the other group and said, gently, but with feeling, "Shut up!"

His behavior is in line with your statements.

I guess my question is, well, when is it okay to talk?

It seems like for introverts, there is never enough silence to be had, and there is always too much talking.

I'm used to talking out my thoughts, talking out my ideas before coming to a final decision. With Jon, he doesn't speak until a decision is concrete in his mind. As a result, he sometimes puts more weight on my words than I associate with them. I've tried to be more measured in my speech, but it's difficult, since I've never really thought about it before.

My mother, who grew up in a household that repressed emotions and feelings, always encouraged my sister and I to be very expressive. For a gregarious individual such as myself, this was great.

Now I find I'm having to be more measured in my expression. While there is prudence in thinking before you speak, I also feel stifled a bit. Like a bird who had her wings trimmed.

*Just to clarify: it's not that Jon has told me to not speak or not express myself, rather I am trying to modify my extroverted ways to be more accommodating to his introverted nature. This is an initiative I have taken up on my own, have not discussed with him, and he has not asked me to "shut up." So, I don't want anyone to think he is psychologically manipulating me or controlling me.

He's never asked me to not talk, but I can tell he values silence.

I think you are describing a constellation of personality features, not just introversion. I'm sure you're aware of this, but I'm just encouraging you to not tunnel-vision (yes, it's a verb in my world) on the introversion thing.

I am an introvert but cannot abide silence -- it gives me too much time to think and over-think, which I cannot resist doing in such moments.
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« Reply #105 on: November 16, 2011, 10:15:32 PM »

its facinating the number of introverts in here and its creepy how similar we are. Smiley
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« Reply #106 on: November 16, 2011, 10:20:48 PM »

I'm not an introvert.
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« Reply #107 on: November 16, 2011, 10:34:43 PM »

And stop insinuating that I'm creepy. That's mean.

In all seriousness, I would think that the percentage of introverts would be higher than in the general population. What's less outgoing than sitting at your computer, typing at people instead of talking with them in some real-world location?
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« Reply #108 on: November 16, 2011, 10:46:14 PM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
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« Reply #109 on: November 16, 2011, 10:49:30 PM »

And stop insinuating that I'm creepy. That's mean.

In all seriousness, I would think that the percentage of introverts would be higher than in the general population. What's less outgoing than sitting at your computer, typing at people instead of talking with them in some real-world location?

LOL, quite true!  Grin
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« Reply #110 on: November 16, 2011, 11:16:20 PM »

Was Jesus an introvert?

"And he spake to his disciples, that a small ship should wait on him because of the multitude, lest they should throng him." - Mark 3:9

Okay, but how does that help the discussion?
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« Reply #111 on: November 16, 2011, 11:20:24 PM »

Everyone wants to have something more in common with Christ, right?

(I don't really know, either.)
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« Reply #112 on: November 16, 2011, 11:42:55 PM »

One thing to remember is that extroverts and introverts have different ways of drawing in and expending mental and emotional energy. Extroverts draw their energy from being with people and find alone time psychological draining, while introverts are the exact opposite, drawing their energy from being alone and finding time with people draining.

This is key to understanding introverts and extroverts. For example, we had a big function on Saturday (work-related, over 600 people, most of 'em Greeks- and I think I interacted and spoke with every single one of them!) The next day I felt like I was coming down with the flu, I was so tired. I needed to sit with a cup of coffee and stare into space for awhile - in silence - before I felt halfway able to function.

We're not being antisocial - we're exhausted by you noisy extroverts.

I was once at a workshop on this very subject and the facilitator asked us to separate into groups according to whether we were introverts or extroverts. When she asked us introverts if we had anything to say to the extroverts, one woman looked at the other group and said, gently, but with feeling, "Shut up!"
I had a similar experience at a MBTI workshop recently where the presenter asked the introverts and extroverts to segregate themselves like this. He then asked us to talk about our differences and what makes us what we are. The extroverts had no problem just butting in and speaking whatever they had on their minds at the moment, while any introvert who had something to say quietly raised his hand and waited to be called on. That demonstrated our different approaches to talking better than anything anyone could ever have said. Grin
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« Reply #113 on: November 16, 2011, 11:47:22 PM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
Hey, that sounds like GREAT punishment for an introverted teenager! Force him to go to a loud party and talk to everyone there. laugh
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« Reply #114 on: November 16, 2011, 11:52:26 PM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
Hey, that sounds like GREAT punishment for an introverted teenager! Force him to go to a loud party and talk to everyone there. laugh

Lord have mercy. That sounds like mental abuse.  police
« Last Edit: November 16, 2011, 11:52:59 PM by Maria » Logged

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« Reply #115 on: November 16, 2011, 11:53:22 PM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
Hey, that sounds like GREAT punishment for an introverted teenager! Force him to go to a loud party and talk to everyone there. laugh

Lord have mercy. That sounds like mental abuse.  police

I believe he was being sarcastic.
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« Reply #116 on: November 17, 2011, 12:09:19 AM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
Hey, that sounds like GREAT punishment for an introverted teenager! Force him to go to a loud party and talk to everyone there. laugh

Lord have mercy. That sounds like mental abuse.  police

I believe he was being sarcastic.

I guess I chose the wrong smilie. Actually, most of us share a combination of introvert/extrovert characteristics.
Even though my husband is a self-declared introvert, and I am more extroverted, we do have times when he appears more extroverted while I appear to be more introverted. For example, I do enjoy some quiet time and my own space where I can crochet, read, and compose poetry while my husband also craves his own space where he can work on his car, create electric gadgets, etc.,  but he can become the life of a party and imitate cartoon voices. So, it is a win-win situation.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2011, 12:11:50 AM by Maria » Logged

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« Reply #117 on: November 17, 2011, 12:43:43 AM »

My boyfriend is a great guy. He is loving, supportive, and is very forgiving of me.

The problem is that he is an introvert and I am an extrovert. I am very gregarious and social by nature. I love to be around people, entertain, socialize, and have conversation. I was raised in a home where we talk about our feelings, our thoughts, and are very expressive in our communication. Family gatherings are usually filled with very loud cousins, and a lot of laughter. For me, there is nothing I like more than having people over and feeding them.

He was an only child who grew up 25 miles outside of town, so making friends was difficult. He would rather be playing video games than having conversation, and tends to keep to himself. This often makes for awkward social moments with my family. When we get together for dinners, he says very little, and doesn't go out of his way to socialize with them. My mother, in particular, feels put off by his behavior, and takes it personal.

He needs daily "alone time" where no one bothers him. Making friends isn't important to him, so when we go to coffee hour, he really couldn't be bothered with getting to know other parishioners. He doesn't like it when people he doesn't know ask him questions about himself, and is slow to trust others. 

I am afraid if I say anything, he will be offended.

Some of you on this board have stated in other threads that you are introverted.

I understand that I can't change him. So how do I deal with this? How can I help an introvert navigate the waters of my very loud and gregarious family?

I'm trying to be accepting of who he is, but sometimes it's difficult.

Any advice?

As a person well studied in this area, I do have a recommendation.  My recommendation would be to read "Please Understand Me II" by Dr. David Keirsey.   It goes into some detail on introvert vs. extrovert.  Roughly half of the population is extrovert and half introvert.   Keirsey takes the 4 basic personality types that have been recognized throughout human history (and espoused by St. John of Damascus) and further breaks them down into 4 subtypes each.   This is piggy-backing off of Myers-Briggs but Keirsey is superior ot Myers Briggs because he successfully debunks askew definitions of MB.   However, his personality test is lacking in my opinion as the questions that he asks are not clear.  But his identification of the 16 types is spot on, and will help you in the issue of introvert/extrovert as well as other relationship issues. 
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« Reply #118 on: November 17, 2011, 12:47:01 AM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
Hey, that sounds like GREAT punishment for an introverted teenager! Force him to go to a loud party and talk to everyone there. laugh

LOL oh that would be like living a nightmare!  I am glad my parents did not figure that one Grin
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« Reply #119 on: November 17, 2011, 12:54:57 AM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
Hey, that sounds like GREAT punishment for an introverted teenager! Force him to go to a loud party and talk to everyone there. laugh

Lord have mercy. That sounds like mental abuse.  police

I believe he was being sarcastic.
No, I was being facetious. Grin
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« Reply #120 on: November 17, 2011, 01:01:46 AM »

I mean no disrespect or offence to you Handmaiden, but this is my honest opinion (I hope those pesky things are still allowed on this forum):

Your boyfriend is not an "introvert". Your boyfriend is...an individual.

If you feel the need to file him into some broad psychological category for the purpose of getting advice from complete strangers (to both you and him) on how to understand him...then I think there is a much deeper problem with your relationship—a suggestion which I believe is reinforced by your remark concerning your fear of offending him should you raise your issues with him for discussion.

Clearly you are well-intentioned; your heart is in the right place. I'm sure there are many wonderful things about your relationship, and by suggesting there is a "deeper problem" I am only hoping that you re-consider your approach to dealing with this issue. (I also do not mean to sound like I'm "picking" on your relationship by suggesting there is a problem with it—what human relationship does NOT have problems?)

Talk to him Handmaiden. Just...talk to him...not as some standard example of some general psychological type...but as an individual...an individual you love and hope to understand better that you may both grow fruitfully in the love of the Lord.

Sincerely  Smiley
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« Reply #121 on: November 17, 2011, 01:32:14 AM »

I mean no disrespect or offence to you Handmaiden, but this is my honest opinion (I hope those pesky things are still allowed on this forum):

Your boyfriend is not an "introvert". Your boyfriend is...an individual.

If you feel the need to file him into some broad psychological category for the purpose of getting advice from complete strangers (to both you and him) on how to understand him...then I think there is a much deeper problem with your relationship—a suggestion which I believe is reinforced by your remark concerning your fear of offending him should you raise your issues with him for discussion.

Clearly you are well-intentioned; your heart is in the right place. I'm sure there are many wonderful things about your relationship, and by suggesting there is a "deeper problem" I am only hoping that you re-consider your approach to dealing with this issue. (I also do not mean to sound like I'm "picking" on your relationship by suggesting there is a problem with it—what human relationship does NOT have problems?)

Talk to him Handmaiden. Just...talk to him...not as some standard example of some general psychological type...but as an individual...an individual you love and hope to understand better that you may both grow fruitfully in the love of the Lord.

Sincerely  Smiley


I agree because rarely is an individual 100 percent introvert or 100 percent extrovert. In fact, the scores can change as we meet people.
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« Reply #122 on: November 17, 2011, 01:34:52 AM »


I guess my question is, well, when is it okay to talk?

Whenever you have a need to express yourself.

Quote
It seems like for introverts, there is never enough silence to be had, and there is always too much talking.

This thought is usually incorrect.

Quote
I'm used to talking out my thoughts, talking out my ideas before coming to a final decision. With Jon, he doesn't speak until a decision is concrete in his mind. As a result, he sometimes puts more weight on my words than I associate with them. I've tried to be more measured in my speech, but it's difficult, since I've never really thought about it before.

This is excellent, whether Jon is an introvert or extrovert, miscommunication is a serious problem.

Quote
My mother, who grew up in a household that repressed emotions and feelings, always encouraged my sister and I to be very expressive. For a gregarious individual such as myself, this was great.

Agreed

Quote
Now I find I'm having to be more measured in my expression. While there is prudence in thinking before you speak, I also feel stifled a bit. Like a bird who had her wings trimmed.
Prudence is a good thing and while it may take you mere seconds to respond to a post like this, it is taking me at least an hour of thought of how to express myself that  truly reflects what I am thinking. Nevertheless the product is imperfect. Basically, what is natural and easy for you may be extremely taxing for someone else that wants to truly express themselves because of their limitations. Of course, the one advantage of my condition is that the 10 or so posts that occur once I start writing make my somewhat embarrassing post irrelevant (my posting to post writing ratio is less than 50%).

My take on all of this is that one cannot reasonably make a split between extrovert and introvert. It is a continuum between an ultra-extrovert (what ever that is and perhaps they do not survive in society) and a diagnostically-described autistic-spectrum person.

I am sorry if this seems wishy-washy, I just do not believe extrovert vs introvert is a black and white issue.
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« Reply #123 on: November 17, 2011, 01:56:29 AM »

I mean no disrespect or offence to you Handmaiden, but this is my honest opinion (I hope those pesky things are still allowed on this forum):

Your boyfriend is not an "introvert". Your boyfriend is...an individual.

If you feel the need to file him into some broad psychological category for the purpose of getting advice from complete strangers (to both you and him) on how to understand him...then I think there is a much deeper problem with your relationship—a suggestion which I believe is reinforced by your remark concerning your fear of offending him should you raise your issues with him for discussion.

Clearly you are well-intentioned; your heart is in the right place. I'm sure there are many wonderful things about your relationship, and by suggesting there is a "deeper problem" I am only hoping that you re-consider your approach to dealing with this issue. (I also do not mean to sound like I'm "picking" on your relationship by suggesting there is a problem with it—what human relationship does NOT have problems?)

Talk to him Handmaiden. Just...talk to him...not as some standard example of some general psychological type...but as an individual...an individual you love and hope to understand better that you may both grow fruitfully in the love of the Lord.

Sincerely  Smiley


Thank you. I appreciate the advice that you, and others, have given.

Please know that I don't expect a bunch of strangers on a forum to be able to tell me all there is to know about a man whom you've never met or interacted with. Jon's introverted tendencies are only one facet to his multi-facted personality.

However, it has been a great help, and a great reassurance to read everyone's postings. There are some things that people have written that are very similar to Jon, and some that are very different. Also, I know I am not doing a fair job of representing all that he is, and all that he means to me.

Although we have been together a year, there is still much to learn about one another. It's a process that I hope we will spend the rest of our lives accomplishing. The posts in this thread have given me a little insight as to how people with personalities different than my own, think.

This has been a help.

In a way, it's sort of been a support group. When you go to a support group, you hear about people who have circumstances similar to yours. Although they may not be the same, it is often reassuring to hear how others can empathize what you are going through.

This is what this thread has been for me.

It has reassured me that Jon's quiet tendencies are not because I am doing something wrong (I'm a woman, the first person I'm going to blame is myself in any given situation), but because he is just a quiet person. And that's okay. Smiley

Thanks again everyone, and please, I am open to any more advice anyone may offer.
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« Reply #124 on: November 17, 2011, 01:58:23 AM »

As a person well studied in this area, I do have a recommendation.  My recommendation would be to read "Please Understand Me II" by Dr. David Keirsey.   It goes into some detail on introvert vs. extrovert.  Roughly half of the population is extrovert and half introvert.   Keirsey takes the 4 basic personality types that have been recognized throughout human history (and espoused by St. John of Damascus) and further breaks them down into 4 subtypes each.   This is piggy-backing off of Myers-Briggs but Keirsey is superior ot Myers Briggs because he successfully debunks askew definitions of MB.   However, his personality test is lacking in my opinion as the questions that he asks are not clear.  But his identification of the 16 types is spot on, and will help you in the issue of introvert/extrovert as well as other relationship issues. 

Thank you Father, I will look into this.

Your balanced approach of quoting scientists and saints means a lot. Smiley
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« Reply #125 on: November 17, 2011, 02:03:06 AM »

Prudence is a good thing and while it may take you mere seconds to respond to a post like this, it is taking me at least an hour of thought of how to express myself that  truly reflects what I am thinking. Nevertheless the product is imperfect. Basically, what is natural and easy for you may be extremely taxing for someone else that wants to truly express themselves because of their limitations. Of course, the one advantage of my condition is that the 10 or so posts that occur once I start writing make my somewhat embarrassing post irrelevant (my posting to post writing ratio is less than 50%).

I really appreciate you sharing this.

In sharing how the cogs of your brain turn, you have given me insight that is much needed.

As you implied, I am able to reply quickly and easily to others statements. It's not something I've ever given a lot of thought to, as it has always come naturally for me. For Jon, he will sometimes struggle to make a sentence. It's like he knows what he wants to say, but doesn't know how to say it. He will sit there physically frustrated at his inability to articulate his thoughts at that particular moment.

To hear that others also have difficulty with this, well, it helps me to be more understanding and patient with him.

I obviously can't articulate his thoughts for him, but I can be patient while he puts them into sentence form.

So thank you. Smiley

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« Reply #126 on: November 17, 2011, 02:29:01 AM »

I mean no disrespect or offence to you Handmaiden, but this is my honest opinion (I hope those pesky things are still allowed on this forum):

Your boyfriend is not an "introvert". Your boyfriend is...an individual.

If you feel the need to file him into some broad psychological category for the purpose of getting advice from complete strangers (to both you and him) on how to understand him...then I think there is a much deeper problem with your relationship—a suggestion which I believe is reinforced by your remark concerning your fear of offending him should you raise your issues with him for discussion.

Clearly you are well-intentioned; your heart is in the right place. I'm sure there are many wonderful things about your relationship, and by suggesting there is a "deeper problem" I am only hoping that you re-consider your approach to dealing with this issue. (I also do not mean to sound like I'm "picking" on your relationship by suggesting there is a problem with it—what human relationship does NOT have problems?)

Talk to him Handmaiden. Just...talk to him...not as some standard example of some general psychological type...but as an individual...an individual you love and hope to understand better that you may both grow fruitfully in the love of the Lord.

Sincerely  Smiley


Excellent!
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« Reply #127 on: November 17, 2011, 02:52:19 AM »

Please know that I don't expect a bunch of strangers on a forum to be able to tell me all there is to know about a man whom you've never met or interacted with. Jon's introverted tendencies are only one facet to his multi-facted personality.

However, it has been a great help, and a great reassurance to read everyone's postings. There are some things that people have written that are very similar to Jon, and some that are very different...

...In a way, it's sort of been a support group. When you go to a support group, you hear about people who have circumstances similar to yours. Although they may not be the same, it is often reassuring to hear how others can empathize what you are going through.

This is what this thread has been for me.

Fair enough; but all that "good stuff" should be a mere appendix to your own direct, personal communication with Jon on the matters that bother you, not an alternative.

I would never have composed and published my previous response were it not for your remark concerning your inability to discuss the matters at hand with him personally.

Furthermore, back to my point on dealing with him as an "individual" rather than an "introvert", as much as what others have related concerning their own experiences might resonate with your experience with Jon, there are a myriad of possible explanations and interpretations for such (which you will not be able to effectively sort through and filter until you've spoken to him!)

I don't think it's helpful to reason along the lines of, "Person A said he does X because of Y; Jon does X, therefore it is perhaps because of Y". Your best chance for truly understanding Jon's behaviours is simply to talk to him...You will not work him out after one or even perhaps an hundred conversations on the relevant issues...but the more you work on developing a greater level of trust and comfort between you two as far as such issues are concerned, the greater chance you will have of truly understanding and dealing with them—a chance much greater at least than that offered by inferential reasoning from second-hand accounts of others.

Let me add one last point to give you some further insight into why I'm so adverse to the general discussion of "introverts" taking place in response to your want to deal with a specific individual:

If I was forced to put myself in either the introvert or extrovert category, I would probably place myself in the former. Yet, I read, for example, PeterTheAleut's first post on the first page of this thread as he speaks of what "we introverts" do and why we do it, and I sit here thinking, "Yes, I do that too...but NO that's not why I do that..." Or I read scamandrius' first post on the first page of this thread, and think to myself, "Yes, I tend to volunteer very little information too; but NO, it’s not because I have trust issues!" I could go on...but I think you get my point!
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« Reply #128 on: November 17, 2011, 09:46:47 AM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.

Hiwot,

It's kinda weird in my case because every time I take the Briggs Myers test, it says I'm an extreme extrovert, but being alone/doing nothing is also a luxury (and I definitely prefer it over being in a crowded group). I'd rather sit alone and do crafts than shop or have family reunions. I guess my personality goes both ways; I do well in both environments. But if people who know me were to choose between the two, they would probably all say extrovert.

So I guess I'm naturally an extrovert, but prefer living an introvert life.

...Or I have an identity crisis! Wink

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« Reply #129 on: November 17, 2011, 10:36:11 AM »


I don't think it's helpful to reason along the lines of, "Person A said he does X because of Y; Jon does X, therefore it is perhaps because of Y". Your best chance for truly understanding Jon's behaviours is simply to talk to him...You will not work him out after one or even perhaps an hundred conversations on the relevant issues...but the more you work on developing a greater level of trust and comfort between you two as far as such issues are concerned, the greater chance you will have of truly understanding and dealing with them—a chance much greater at least than that offered by inferential reasoning from second-hand accounts of others.

Let me add one last point to give you some further insight into why I'm so adverse to the general discussion of "introverts" taking place in response to your want to deal with a specific individual:

If I was forced to put myself in either the introvert or extrovert category, I would probably place myself in the former. Yet, I read, for example, PeterTheAleut's first post on the first page of this thread as he speaks of what "we introverts" do and why we do it, and I sit here thinking, "Yes, I do that too...but NO that's not why I do that..." Or I read scamandrius' first post on the first page of this thread, and think to myself, "Yes, I tend to volunteer very little information too; but NO, it’s not because I have trust issues!" I could go on...but I think you get my point!

Good points above.
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« Reply #130 on: February 12, 2012, 02:39:29 PM »

Quiet: The Power of Introverts
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