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Author Topic: Attempting to Understand an Introvert  (Read 6561 times) Average Rating: 0
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« on: November 13, 2011, 05:05:34 PM »

My boyfriend is a great guy. He is loving, supportive, and is very forgiving of me.

The problem is that he is an introvert and I am an extrovert. I am very gregarious and social by nature. I love to be around people, entertain, socialize, and have conversation. I was raised in a home where we talk about our feelings, our thoughts, and are very expressive in our communication. Family gatherings are usually filled with very loud cousins, and a lot of laughter. For me, there is nothing I like more than having people over and feeding them.

He was an only child who grew up 25 miles outside of town, so making friends was difficult. He would rather be playing video games than having conversation, and tends to keep to himself. This often makes for awkward social moments with my family. When we get together for dinners, he says very little, and doesn't go out of his way to socialize with them. My mother, in particular, feels put off by his behavior, and takes it personal.

He needs daily "alone time" where no one bothers him. Making friends isn't important to him, so when we go to coffee hour, he really couldn't be bothered with getting to know other parishioners. He doesn't like it when people he doesn't know ask him questions about himself, and is slow to trust others. 

I am afraid if I say anything, he will be offended.

Some of you on this board have stated in other threads that you are introverted.

I understand that I can't change him. So how do I deal with this? How can I help an introvert navigate the waters of my very loud and gregarious family?

I'm trying to be accepting of who he is, but sometimes it's difficult.

Any advice?
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« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2011, 05:20:34 PM »

I'm an introvert myself though I have no problems with socialization and I do need to maintain my alone time.  Fortunately, my wife is also an introvert and understands my needs for alone time and I understand the need for hers.

You've probably noticed that your boyfriend probably gives very brief answers to questions not wishing to get into anything major.  Most people, who are not introverts, see this as being disinterested, stand-offish, snobbish and indicative of "something to hide."  Introverts take time to develop trust before they can feel it's OK to volunteer more information.  And I think it is incumbent upon you to really make that known to your family members and friends and request their patience as this, depending on how long you remain with him, is not something fixed over night. 

It's not that introverts dislike conversation: we very much do, but it has to be more on our terms.  Too much personal information will be an immediate conversation killer.  If the discussion moves to general interests, we are more inclined to volunteer.

Patience is going to be the key here and everyone has to display some: you, your friends, your family members and even your boyfriend. good luck.
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« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2011, 05:22:19 PM »

Sounds like scenes from MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING.

My husband is also somewhat introverted while I am an extrovert.

However, he likes to listen to music in the background, while I enjoy quiet.
When we visit our in-laws, he retires to a corner and either listens to music or is glued to the TV set, while
I gather around the punch bowl with the relatives to share stories.

Music is one way of escaping reality for him. He prefers listening to music than having company over.
We silently share music together, especially on Friday nights when they play the Big Bands on the radio.

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« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2011, 05:23:40 PM »

Acceptance is a two-way street. I'm an introvert by nature, but I've had to learn how to accommodate extroverts in my life. I see this as an opportunity for your boyfriend to learn to cope with the extroverted behavior of your family and parish, and for your family and parish to learn to cope with your boyfriend's introverted behavior.

Have you tried explaining to your mother that he's not being deliberately offensive when he acts withdrawn and shy? And have you tried explaining to him that other people only mean well when they ask him personal questions?

Ultimately there's no "right" personality. God accepts all personality types.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2011, 05:25:08 PM by Jonathan Gress » Logged
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« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2011, 05:31:02 PM »

scamandrius seems a little more introverted than I - but not by much. I like what he said.

Try introducing your boyfriend to an older man (i.e. senior citizen) who may not get much company at coffee hour. He may find it easier to latch onto just one person than find his place in a crowd. Seniors can be non-threatening and often like to do all the talking  Cheesy. Make it seem as though he's doing the older gentleman a favour, perhaps take him a muffin, cookie, or whatever is being served.

Put him to work at cleaning up afterwards. This would work at home, too. He can putter along at his own speed. Having something to do takes away some of the awkwardness of silence.
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« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2011, 05:36:34 PM »

scamandrius seems a little more introverted than I - but not by much. I like what he said.

Try introducing your boyfriend to an older man (i.e. senior citizen) who may not get much company at coffee hour. He may find it easier to latch onto just one person than find his place in a crowd. Seniors can be non-threatening and often like to do all the talking  Cheesy. Make it seem as though he's doing the older gentleman a favour, perhaps take him a muffin, cookie, or whatever is being served.

Put him to work at cleaning up afterwards. This would work at home, too. He can putter along at his own speed. Having something to do takes away some of the awkwardness of silence.

Both are excellent ideas, especially the first one. I always wondered why I liked talking to old people so much, and now you put your finger on it: they don't make you do all the talking!
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« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2011, 05:43:54 PM »

One thing to remember is that extroverts and introverts have different ways of drawing in and expending mental and emotional energy. Extroverts draw their energy from being with people and find alone time psychological draining, while introverts are the exact opposite, drawing their energy from being alone and finding time with people draining. One way is no better than the other.

Don't get me wrong. We introverts love socializing with other people, but we need to be free to do so on our own terms. We generally hate big, noisy crowds of people where we have to talk to a lot of people in a short time. The kinds of conversations we prefer are those where we can sit down with only one or two persons at one time and talk in greater depth. For this to succeed, however, you must earn our trust, which we don't give out easily. We believe in taking the time to develop deep friendships with only a handful of people and don't have much use for superficial relationships with a lot of people. We're therefore not going to seek social contact until we feel comfortable, and the best way to make us feel comfortable is to introduce us to a small group of maybe two or three people at a time, don't pester us with a lot of trivial questions, and allow us the freedom to open up when we trust you. To earn our trust, show that you care about the things we consider most important. For instance, the best way to get me to open up in a conversation is to ask me about my work in computer software, my music, or my participation in Toastmasters, a few of the things I'm most passionate about. Ask me a superficial "How ya doing?" and I'm likely to come back with a smart ass comment that doesn't really communicate anything except my disdain for such questions.
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« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2011, 05:44:54 PM »

Thank you all for your suggestions and advice -- keep them coming!

Some I have already employed, others I will keep in mind.

I'm really interested in hearing from y'all to understand how introverts "tick." Being social has always been second nature to me, so to be with someone who is not social has been a learning experience.

To be fair, I seem to be one of the few people in life he feels comfortable being social with. The first time we met, we talked for 8 hours non-stop! lol

So please, keep the posts coming.

What works for you, what doesn't, etc.
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« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2011, 05:49:05 PM »

Ask me a superficial "How ya doing?" and I'm likely to come back with a smart ass comment that doesn't really communicate anything except my disdain for such questions.

Jon is very similar in this regard; he hates small talk. However, it is through small talk that strangers find out what you are about. It is really unfair for someone who is meeting him for the first time to know what his interests are, where he is from, and what his story is, yet he gets extremely annoyed when people ask questions such as "Where are you from?" or "What do you do for a living?"  Roll Eyes

I mean, I can't exactly introduce him to people as "this is my boyfriend Jon, but please don't ask him anything about himself."  Undecided Lips Sealed

What's a girl to do?  Huh
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« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2011, 05:49:27 PM »

Having a mix of introverts and extroverts in a family can be a strain, but accommodation from both sides can help.  Our teen-aged daughter is more of an extrovert then the rest of us and this can be stressful on both sides.  Extroverts are energized by crowds it is said.  I find situations like that exhausting.  She likes to out and be with a bunch of anime fans or other people with similar interests.  

Here is a link to an article in the Atlantic from 2003 "Caring for your Introvert"
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

I would counter an earlier post and say that some people who ask "personal questions" can only mean well, but there are some who may be nosy or pushy and trying to find things that aren't really any of their business.  It might be a matter of time or getting used to people.  But being pushed won't help.

I found that in a new situation if I ask the other person about themselves or their interests it can be helpful (and I don't have to talk as much  Smiley  )

Ebor
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« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2011, 05:58:43 PM »

Having a mix of introverts and extroverts in a family can be a strain, but accommodation from both sides can help.  Our teen-aged daughter is more of an extrovert then the rest of us and this can be stressful on both sides.  Extroverts are energized by crowds it is said.  I find situations like that exhausting.  She likes to out and be with a bunch of anime fans or other people with similar interests.  

Here is a link to an article in the Atlantic from 2003 "Caring for your Introvert"
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

I would counter an earlier post and say that some people who ask "personal questions" can only mean well, but there are some who may be nosy or pushy and trying to find things that aren't really any of their business.  It might be a matter of time or getting used to people.  But being pushed won't help.

I found that in a new situation if I ask the other person about themselves or their interests it can be helpful (and I don't have to talk as much  Smiley  )

Ebor


Thank you, Ebor, this article was fantastically helpful!
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« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2011, 05:58:59 PM »

FWIW, I speak mostly as an introvert forced by recent circumstances to learn how to mingle in a large crowd and how to engage in small talk. I'm told that I've developed a very good competency for such large-group social situations, but I still prefer to be alone. It's possible for an introvert to overcome shyness, but an introvert really never stops being an introvert. The introvert really needs to have the freedom to develop social skills as he/she feels comfortable doing so, but a wee little bit of outside nudging certainly does help. Just don't nag us, or we become stubborn old mules.
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« Reply #12 on: November 13, 2011, 06:02:42 PM »

Ask me a superficial "How ya doing?" and I'm likely to come back with a smart ass comment that doesn't really communicate anything except my disdain for such questions.

Jon is very similar in this regard; he hates small talk. However, it is through small talk that strangers find out what you are about. It is really unfair for someone who is meeting him for the first time to know what his interests are, where he is from, and what his story is, yet he gets extremely annoyed when people ask questions such as "Where are you from?" or "What do you do for a living?"  Roll Eyes

I mean, I can't exactly introduce him to people as "this is my boyfriend Jon, but please don't ask him anything about himself."  Undecided Lips Sealed

What's a girl to do?  Huh

Whenever we were invited out while we were engaged, I would introduce my future husband as a Broadcast Engineer. People would say, "Oh, really, I think I saw your name in the credits after the 5 PM news." And then the topic would quickly shift to news and politics. As these topics were of interest to my husband, he felt right at home.

The key is: quietly mention his interests and hobbies to one other person who shares the same interests. Then the three of you can talk.

At the parish, do you know the hobbies or functional hobbies (past times) of your pastor? When I found out that my priest enjoyed working on his car, this was one area where the two bonded, and it led to my husband being chrismated.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2011, 06:07:28 PM by Maria » Logged

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« Reply #13 on: November 13, 2011, 06:27:04 PM »

You can't really help him if he doesn't want to be helped.
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« Reply #14 on: November 13, 2011, 06:30:27 PM »

Another introvert here.  As others have mentioned, socializing is a huge energy expenditure.  For me, just being around people takes energy.  I last about 36 hours on family vacations and then I am ready to go home.  A couple of Christmases ago the immediate family (7 adults, 1 child) got snowed in at my parent's farm for a few days and I almost lost it.  To maintain a shred of sanity I would go sit in the unheated garage periodically.  My family isn't particularly extroverted, but they do tend to take it personally.  They have a hard time understanding that its not that I don't want to go on vacation with them or that I don't want to be snowed in for 3 days with them, it is that I don't want to go on vacation or be snowed in with anyone.

Things that I appreciate in social gatherings, especially with family:
-Showing up just a little late so everyone is already there.  That way I can take care of all the greetings quickly.  Having to go through greeting rituals many times wears me out.
-Coffee table books.
-Booze.

All that being said, I, as an introvert, am not looking to be accommodated, but rather ignored.  
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« Reply #15 on: November 13, 2011, 06:34:11 PM »

You can't really help him if he doesn't want to be helped.

Wow.
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« Reply #16 on: November 13, 2011, 06:34:30 PM »

Another introvert here.  As others have mentioned, socializing is a huge energy expenditure.  For me, just being around people takes energy.  I last about 36 hours on family vacations and then I am ready to go home.  A couple of Christmases ago the immediate family (7 adults, 1 child) got snowed in at my parent's farm for a few days and I almost lost it.  To maintain a shred of sanity I would go sit in the unheated garage periodically.  My family isn't particularly extroverted, but they do tend to take it personally.  They have a hard time understanding that its not that I don't want to go on vacation with them or that I don't want to be snowed in for 3 days with them, it is that I don't want to go on vacation or be snowed in with anyone.

Things that I appreciate in social gatherings, especially with family:
-Showing up just a little late so everyone is already there.  That way I can take care of all the greetings quickly.  Having to go through greeting rituals many times wears me out.
-Coffee table books.
-Booze.

All that being said, I, as an introvert, am not looking to be accommodated, but rather ignored.  

Arriving late for Greek dinners is quite appropriate as long as one does not arrive after the food has been served.
We have discovered that an invitation of 1 PM usually means the food will be served at 3 PM when most people are already there.

Mechanical and automotive books and magazines on the coffee table are a must for most introverted guys.

My husband's dentist has a lot of different magazines in her waiting room that interest my husband.
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« Reply #17 on: November 13, 2011, 06:35:50 PM »

You can't really help him if he doesn't want to be helped.

I am not so much looking to "help" or "change," but rather to understand.

As the article Ebor posted states, being an introvert is not a choice but an orientation. The brains of introverts are wired differently than extroverts. It is an organic state that I am trying to understand and accommodate.

Also, it helps to know that his need for time alone is not because he does not want to be with me, but because he is trying to rest from being in a job that forces him to interact with people all day long.
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« Reply #18 on: November 13, 2011, 06:37:41 PM »

Having a mix of introverts and extroverts in a family can be a strain, but accommodation from both sides can help.  Our teen-aged daughter is more of an extrovert then the rest of us and this can be stressful on both sides.  Extroverts are energized by crowds it is said.  I find situations like that exhausting.  She likes to out and be with a bunch of anime fans or other people with similar interests.  

Here is a link to an article in the Atlantic from 2003 "Caring for your Introvert"
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

I would counter an earlier post and say that some people who ask "personal questions" can only mean well, but there are some who may be nosy or pushy and trying to find things that aren't really any of their business.  It might be a matter of time or getting used to people.  But being pushed won't help.

I found that in a new situation if I ask the other person about themselves or their interests it can be helpful (and I don't have to talk as much  Smiley  )

Ebor


Thank you, Ebor, this article was fantastically helpful!

I'm very glad that it was and that I could be of service to you and to another introvert.   Smiley
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« Reply #19 on: November 13, 2011, 06:39:07 PM »

Ask me a superficial "How ya doing?" and I'm likely to come back with a smart ass comment that doesn't really communicate anything except my disdain for such questions.

Jon is very similar in this regard; he hates small talk. However, it is through small talk that strangers find out what you are about. It is really unfair for someone who is meeting him for the first time to know what his interests are, where he is from, and what his story is, yet he gets extremely annoyed when people ask questions such as "Where are you from?" or "What do you do for a living?"  Roll Eyes

I mean, I can't exactly introduce him to people as "this is my boyfriend Jon, but please don't ask him anything about himself."  Undecided Lips Sealed

What's a girl to do?  Huh

Whenever we were invited out while we were engaged, I would introduce my future husband as a Broadcast Engineer. People would say, "Oh, really, I think I saw your name in the credits after the 5 PM news." And then the topic would quickly shift to news and politics. As these topics were of interest to my husband, he felt right at home.

The key is: quietly mention his interests and hobbies to one other person who shares the same interests. Then the three of you can talk.

At the parish, do you know the hobbies or functional hobbies (past times) of your pastor? When I found out that my priest enjoyed working on his car, this was one area where the two bonded, and it led to my husband being chrismated.

Thanks, this helps.

Just to give some background, I live in the North East portion of the US, and my boyfriend is from the South East. He moved up here to be with me, so every time we go somewhere, it's a new social situation. (a.k.a. Introverts worst nightmare!)

I have been trying to introduce him to people that I know he has things in common with, but it doesn't always work.

I'm trying to be patient, but I must admit, patience is not my strong suit.  Wink
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« Reply #20 on: November 13, 2011, 06:42:15 PM »

My introvert is not very patient ...
Is this normal for introverts?
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« Reply #21 on: November 13, 2011, 06:43:07 PM »

My boyfriend is a great guy. He is loving, supportive, and is very forgiving of me.

The problem is that he is an introvert and I am an extrovert. I am very gregarious and social by nature. I love to be around people, entertain, socialize, and have conversation. I was raised in a home where we talk about our feelings, our thoughts, and are very expressive in our communication. Family gatherings are usually filled with very loud cousins, and a lot of laughter. For me, there is nothing I like more than having people over and feeding them.

He was an only child who grew up 25 miles outside of town, so making friends was difficult. He would rather be playing video games than having conversation, and tends to keep to himself. This often makes for awkward social moments with my family. When we get together for dinners, he says very little, and doesn't go out of his way to socialize with them. My mother, in particular, feels put off by his behavior, and takes it personal.

He needs daily "alone time" where no one bothers him. Making friends isn't important to him, so when we go to coffee hour, he really couldn't be bothered with getting to know other parishioners. He doesn't like it when people he doesn't know ask him questions about himself, and is slow to trust others. 

I am afraid if I say anything, he will be offended.
This is the only problem that I can see (though your mother taking it personally could also be: have you explained him to her)?

Some of you on this board have stated in other threads that you are introverted.

I understand that I can't change him. So how do I deal with this? How can I help an introvert navigate the waters of my very loud and gregarious family?

I'm trying to be accepting of who he is, but sometimes it's difficult.

Any advice?
Believe it or not, but I am too an introvert.  I have, however, been put in many situations when I had to overcome it.  But given the choice, that is still my preference. PtA is right, once an introvert, always an introvert.

I would avoid the big crowds of family and parisioners with him (especially if they are not his parisioners).  For the family, you might try arranging to met with a few at a time (like maybe a cousin their spouse at a time), starting with those he might have something in common with.
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« Reply #22 on: November 13, 2011, 06:43:16 PM »

Another introvert here.  As others have mentioned, socializing is a huge energy expenditure.  For me, just being around people takes energy.  I last about 36 hours on family vacations and then I am ready to go home.  A couple of Christmases ago the immediate family (7 adults, 1 child) got snowed in at my parent's farm for a few days and I almost lost it.  To maintain a shred of sanity I would go sit in the unheated garage periodically.  My family isn't particularly extroverted, but they do tend to take it personally.  They have a hard time understanding that its not that I don't want to go on vacation with them or that I don't want to be snowed in for 3 days with them, it is that I don't want to go on vacation or be snowed in with anyone.

Things that I appreciate in social gatherings, especially with family:
-Showing up just a little late so everyone is already there.  That way I can take care of all the greetings quickly.  Having to go through greeting rituals many times wears me out.
-Coffee table books.
-Booze.

All that being said, I, as an introvert, am not looking to be accommodated, but rather ignored.  

Mechanical and automotive books and magazines on the coffee table are a must for most introverted guys.

My husband's dentist has a lot of different magazines in her waiting room that interest my husband.

It is a hint at my state of arrested development, but I prefer Farside comic anthologies.  Wink

Another thought...  Don't hesitate to ask an introvert to run an errand while at a family gathering.  20 minutes to go pick up the pizza or more ice or whatever is quite refreshing.
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« Reply #23 on: November 13, 2011, 06:50:50 PM »

This is the only problem that I can see (though your mother taking it personally could also be: have you explained him to her)?

I actually printed and brought her the article Ebor posted as soon as I was done reading it! lol

I explained that he's not avoiding her; just everyone in general. lol

I would avoid the big crowds of family and parisioners with him (especially if they are not his parisioners).  For the family, you might try arranging to met with a few at a time (like maybe a cousin their spouse at a time), starting with those he might have something in common with.

Thanks for the tips. We've been attending a local OCA parish that is much smaller in size (in terms of building) and has a more intimate feel than the UOC/USA parish my family attends. He seems to like it more, and it seems to work well for us. (The fact that the entire liturgy is in English is an added bonus as well!)

We still occasionally attend the UOC parish, but I think the OCA parish will be our "home" parish going forward.
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« Reply #24 on: November 13, 2011, 07:21:39 PM »

The OP is exactly like me, which is frightening. You sure you aren't dating me?  laugh

I really don't know how to help your situation, the answer of course isn't changing that person to be more extroverted.

I think if you want to get an introvert more engaged, bring up a topic that he finds deeply interesting. The thing here too is the person who is bringing up the subject to the introvert has got to truly engaged in the conversation as well, otherwise it's going to be pretty short answers lol.

But even the above doesn't work for me. If someone brings up a subject I am passionate in and they don't have the depth of knowledge in that subject like I do, the conversation pretty much breaks down instantly and doesn't really continue.

Believe me I can't carry a conversation worth my salt. Which is kind of odd because on dates I'm pretty good about it, but when it comes to strangers that I don't care to impress, you can forget about it.
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« Reply #25 on: November 13, 2011, 07:23:26 PM »

The thing that I have always wondered when it comes to introverts is are many of us still in "our shell" sort of speak?
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« Reply #26 on: November 13, 2011, 07:28:30 PM »

My introvert is not very patient ...
Is this normal for introverts?
I think it depends on the situation. I can be very patient about certain things but let's say for example I am out on a family event or something I don't like to do, yeah I'm very impatient then lol.

Why? I guess for me I just feel like I'm wasting so much time that would be better invested by myself.
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« Reply #27 on: November 13, 2011, 07:28:36 PM »

I think I am also of a similar temperament to your significant other.

I am sure I am difficult to make conversation with. On one hand, I cannot abide the superficiality of small talk. On the other, I do not appreciate intrusions into my personal life by people I barely know. A good conversationalist knows how to keep the conversation somewhere in between these two extremes -- I am always grateful to encounter such a person.

I think that extroverted types often unfairly place the onus of being sociable on introverted people. If they fail to be sociable, they are immediately written off as snobbish or aloof. Obviously, the better way to do things is to meet in the middle, but this is not always an easy thing to execute.

None of the above really constitutes advice, so I will say this: psychology has demonstrated the power of mere proximity in the forming of human relationships. If you keep people close together often enough and long enough, they will eventually become friends, unless they have truly incompatible personalities. I guess this means, as has been said above, a lot of patience is required, and probably not much more.
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« Reply #28 on: November 13, 2011, 07:29:56 PM »

My introvert is not very patient ...
Is this normal for introverts?

My girlfriend is introverted like me, but she's excruciatingly patient, while I suffer from terrible impatience. I'm reminded of the archaic division of personalities into four types, according to the supposed predominance of one of the four humors. I am definitely "melancholic", while she is "phlegmatic".
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« Reply #29 on: November 13, 2011, 07:30:48 PM »

I think it's also worth noting how many respondents here are introverts, rather than extroverts. It makes sense that introverts will predominate on an internet discussion forum. Smiley
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« Reply #30 on: November 13, 2011, 07:32:50 PM »

On one hand, I cannot abide the superficiality of small talk.
Finally someone who understands me LOL.

Quote
On the other, I do not appreciate intrusions into my personal life by people I barely know.
Exactly.

Quote
I think that extroverted types often unfairly place the onus of being sociable on introverted people. If they fail to be sociable, they are immediately written off as snobbish or aloof. Obviously, the better way to do things is to meet in the middle, but this is not always an easy thing to execute.
This sort of thinking bothers me because why would extrovert assume the introvert is snobbish or aloof when they are not sociable? Wouldn't they think they are shy?

Heh kind of makes me think how many people think I am rude and snobbish by my curt conversations.
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« Reply #31 on: November 13, 2011, 07:38:07 PM »

I think it's also worth noting how many respondents here are introverts, rather than extroverts. It makes sense that introverts will predominate on an internet discussion forum. Smiley

Maybe I am turning into an introvert.

I read somewhere that as spouses age, they begin to act and look like each other.
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« Reply #32 on: November 13, 2011, 07:44:12 PM »

it's weird, i am introverted, but yet i enjoy the small talk, as long as it doesnt lead into people prying about my personal life.

i trust very, very few people


the hardest thing to do is life, if to carry on a conversation with an introvert, while being an introvert yourself
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« Reply #33 on: November 13, 2011, 07:49:03 PM »

it's weird, i am introverted, but yet i enjoy the small talk, as long as it doesnt lead into people prying about my personal life.

i trust very, very few people


the hardest thing to do is life, if to carry on a conversation with an introvert, while being an introvert yourself

did i mention the fact that if you start a conversation about hockey or rugby, i will be able to hold my own with a few people, being my passions, but even then, with too many people, im still bound to clam up
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« Reply #34 on: November 13, 2011, 07:54:40 PM »

it's weird, i am introverted, but yet i enjoy the small talk, as long as it doesnt lead into people prying about my personal life.

i trust very, very few people


the hardest thing to do is life, if to carry on a conversation with an introvert, while being an introvert yourself

did i mention the fact that if you start a conversation about hockey or rugby, i will be able to hold my own with a few people, being my passions, but even then, with too many people, im still bound to clam up

At those times, my husband will get up and excuse himself to go to the "Little Boy's Room" and then afterwards, grab something to eat and/or drink and find another area where there is is a comfortable chair without a crowd.
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« Reply #35 on: November 13, 2011, 08:10:25 PM »

the hardest thing to do is life, if to carry on a conversation with an introvert, while being an introvert yourself
Lol, boy those awkward silences and forced conversations...
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« Reply #36 on: November 13, 2011, 08:26:51 PM »

This sort of thinking bothers me because why would extrovert assume the introvert is snobbish or aloof when they are not sociable? Wouldn't they think they are shy?

It depends. And I'm not sure that shyness is a much better characterization to aspire to.
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« Reply #37 on: November 13, 2011, 08:36:56 PM »

My introvert is not very patient ...
Is this normal for introverts?

not for me...
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« Reply #38 on: November 13, 2011, 08:50:21 PM »

This sort of thinking bothers me because why would extrovert assume the introvert is snobbish or aloof when they are not sociable? Wouldn't they think they are shy?

It depends. And I'm not sure that shyness is a much better characterization to aspire to.
But it's a much better characterization than snobbish or aloof no?
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« Reply #39 on: November 13, 2011, 09:10:03 PM »

This sort of thinking bothers me because why would extrovert assume the introvert is snobbish or aloof when they are not sociable? Wouldn't they think they are shy?

It depends. And I'm not sure that shyness is a much better characterization to aspire to.
But it's a much better characterization than snobbish or aloof no?

My sister is an extrovert and shy.  She loves being around people and pays close attention to conversation and loves every minute of it.  She just doesn't say much or talk about herself and is easily embarrassed.  While I, on the other hand, shut down and glaze over in long conversation, retracting into my own mind.  By her body language she is clearly engaged.  By mine, I am often clearly not.  So I think the distinction between shy and aloof/disengaged is not in what is said or not said, but how one says (or doesn't say) it. 
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« Reply #40 on: November 13, 2011, 09:18:26 PM »

My sister is an extrovert and shy.  She loves being around people and pays close attention to conversation and loves every minute of it.  She just doesn't say much or talk about herself and is easily embarrassed.  While I, on the other hand, shut down and glaze over in long conversation, retracting into my own mind.  By her body language she is clearly engaged.  By mine, I am often clearly not.  So I think the distinction between shy and aloof/disengaged is not in what is said or not said, but how one says (or doesn't say) it.  

Bingo!

I often find myself thinking "Can you at least PRETEND to be interested" when in a social situation with my boyfriend. I don't know if he's aware that his behavior (whether he intends it or not) comes off as being rude.

It also makes the situation uncomfortable for those present, because they don't know what they are doing that is making him so dis-interested.

I remember one time at coffee hour, a friend of mine kept on cracking jokes, and Jon wouldn't crack as much as a smile. It made things at the table very uncomfortable.

It also makes things tough for me, because I want my friends/family to like him, but when he seems so disinterested they sort of look at me like "What are you doing with him?"  Undecided

My sister, on the other hand, is shy, but will act engaged/laugh at jokes made, even though she may not offer much in the way of conversation.
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« Reply #41 on: November 13, 2011, 09:23:04 PM »

This sort of thinking bothers me because why would extrovert assume the introvert is snobbish or aloof when they are not sociable? Wouldn't they think they are shy?

It depends. And I'm not sure that shyness is a much better characterization to aspire to.
But it's a much better characterization than snobbish or aloof no?

My sister is an extrovert and shy.  She loves being around people and pays close attention to conversation and loves every minute of it.  She just doesn't say much or talk about herself and is easily embarrassed.  While I, on the other hand, shut down and glaze over in long conversation, retracting into my own mind.  By her body language she is clearly engaged.  By mine, I am often clearly not.  So I think the distinction between shy and aloof/disengaged is not in what is said or not said, but how one says (or doesn't say) it. 
Yeah I'm a pretty disengaged fellow myself, I don't know why but I cannot get myself to be interested in other people's lives. There has to be some deep seeded selfishness somewhere in me. If an acquanitance starts talking about their life, I just remain apathetic.

For me Hell is a place where I am confined into a room of strangers who don't know how to shut up about the most trivial crap.

Something I need to work on for sure. But with people who I am close with I am the opposite of this.
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« Reply #42 on: November 13, 2011, 09:24:56 PM »

My sister is an extrovert and shy.  She loves being around people and pays close attention to conversation and loves every minute of it.  She just doesn't say much or talk about herself and is easily embarrassed.  While I, on the other hand, shut down and glaze over in long conversation, retracting into my own mind.  By her body language she is clearly engaged.  By mine, I am often clearly not.  So I think the distinction between shy and aloof/disengaged is not in what is said or not said, but how one says (or doesn't say) it.  

Bingo!

I often find myself thinking "Can you at least PRETEND to be interested" when in a social situation with my boyfriend. I don't know if he's aware that his behavior (whether he intends it or not) comes off as being rude.

It also makes the situation uncomfortable for those present, because they don't know what they are doing that is making him so dis-interested.

I remember one time at coffee hour, a friend of mine kept on cracking jokes, and Jon wouldn't crack as much as a smile. It made things at the table very uncomfortable.

It also makes things tough for me, because I want my friends/family to like him, but when he seems so disinterested they sort of look at me like "What are you doing with him?"  Undecided

My sister, on the other hand, is shy, but will act engaged/laugh at jokes made, even though she may not offer much in the way of conversation.

Maybe you should ask him to pretend. So much of social interaction begins with fakery at first and ends in true mutual affection.
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« Reply #43 on: November 13, 2011, 09:26:47 PM »

This sort of thinking bothers me because why would extrovert assume the introvert is snobbish or aloof when they are not sociable? Wouldn't they think they are shy?

It depends. And I'm not sure that shyness is a much better characterization to aspire to.
But it's a much better characterization than snobbish or aloof no?

My sister is an extrovert and shy.  She loves being around people and pays close attention to conversation and loves every minute of it.  She just doesn't say much or talk about herself and is easily embarrassed.  While I, on the other hand, shut down and glaze over in long conversation, retracting into my own mind.  By her body language she is clearly engaged.  By mine, I am often clearly not.  So I think the distinction between shy and aloof/disengaged is not in what is said or not said, but how one says (or doesn't say) it.  

Has anyone ever heard of a "frustrated extrovert?"

In a class discussion, a psychologist was telling us that a "frustrated extrovert" is a shy extrovert who is embarrassed to be in a social situation, and who is trying to break out of his/her shy shell.
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« Reply #44 on: November 13, 2011, 09:33:41 PM »

My sister is an extrovert and shy.  She loves being around people and pays close attention to conversation and loves every minute of it.  She just doesn't say much or talk about herself and is easily embarrassed.  While I, on the other hand, shut down and glaze over in long conversation, retracting into my own mind.  By her body language she is clearly engaged.  By mine, I am often clearly not.  So I think the distinction between shy and aloof/disengaged is not in what is said or not said, but how one says (or doesn't say) it.  

Bingo!

I often find myself thinking "Can you at least PRETEND to be interested" when in a social situation with my boyfriend. I don't know if he's aware that his behavior (whether he intends it or not) comes off as being rude.

It also makes the situation uncomfortable for those present, because they don't know what they are doing that is making him so dis-interested.

I remember one time at coffee hour, a friend of mine kept on cracking jokes, and Jon wouldn't crack as much as a smile. It made things at the table very uncomfortable.

It also makes things tough for me, because I want my friends/family to like him, but when he seems so disinterested they sort of look at me like "What are you doing with him?"  Undecided

My sister, on the other hand, is shy, but will act engaged/laugh at jokes made, even though she may not offer much in the way of conversation.

Maybe you should ask him to pretend. So much of social interaction begins with fakery at first and ends in true mutual affection.
Yep, I definitely fake it pretty good when I'm with my girlfriend and she has me with her friends/family. That's probably the only time I find myself "engaged" in a conversation, I just do it so it keeps the gf happy lol.

I got a good friend of mine who is never fake at all when meeting someone new, just straight up bluntly honest almost to a degree of disrespect. He can make for some good conversations. Maybe we should do away with all the unecessary small talk when interacting with people at the first time.

I'm hoping orthonorm can chime in here, that guy goes straight to the heavy hitting questions with no bs filler. I'm sure he is quite the smooth talker when taking girls out on dates.
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« Reply #45 on: November 13, 2011, 09:43:17 PM »

My sister is an extrovert and shy.  She loves being around people and pays close attention to conversation and loves every minute of it.  She just doesn't say much or talk about herself and is easily embarrassed.  While I, on the other hand, shut down and glaze over in long conversation, retracting into my own mind.  By her body language she is clearly engaged.  By mine, I am often clearly not.  So I think the distinction between shy and aloof/disengaged is not in what is said or not said, but how one says (or doesn't say) it.  

Bingo!

I often find myself thinking "Can you at least PRETEND to be interested" when in a social situation with my boyfriend. I don't know if he's aware that his behavior (whether he intends it or not) comes off as being rude.

It also makes the situation uncomfortable for those present, because they don't know what they are doing that is making him so dis-interested.

I remember one time at coffee hour, a friend of mine kept on cracking jokes, and Jon wouldn't crack as much as a smile. It made things at the table very uncomfortable.

It also makes things tough for me, because I want my friends/family to like him, but when he seems so disinterested they sort of look at me like "What are you doing with him?"  Undecided

My sister, on the other hand, is shy, but will act engaged/laugh at jokes made, even though she may not offer much in the way of conversation.

Maybe you should ask him to pretend. So much of social interaction begins with fakery at first and ends in true mutual affection.

48 hours last night was quite interesting. A female con artist said that she was good at faking social situations because it was all an act. She was also great in debate for the same reason. Interestingly, in a study done on people who stutter, it was noted that when these people pretended to be someone whom they were not, then their stuttering tended to disappear. Also while singing or chanting, they did not have any problems with stuttering.
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« Reply #46 on: November 13, 2011, 10:11:24 PM »

My boyfriend is a great guy. He is loving, supportive, and is very forgiving of me.

The problem is that he is an introvert and I am an extrovert. I am very gregarious and social by nature. I love to be around people, entertain, socialize, and have conversation. I was raised in a home where we talk about our feelings, our thoughts, and are very expressive in our communication. Family gatherings are usually filled with very loud cousins, and a lot of laughter. For me, there is nothing I like more than having people over and feeding them.

He was an only child who grew up 25 miles outside of town, so making friends was difficult. He would rather be playing video games than having conversation, and tends to keep to himself. This often makes for awkward social moments with my family. When we get together for dinners, he says very little, and doesn't go out of his way to socialize with them. My mother, in particular, feels put off by his behavior, and takes it personal.

He needs daily "alone time" where no one bothers him. Making friends isn't important to him, so when we go to coffee hour, he really couldn't be bothered with getting to know other parishioners. He doesn't like it when people he doesn't know ask him questions about himself, and is slow to trust others. 

I am afraid if I say anything, he will be offended.

Some of you on this board have stated in other threads that you are introverted.

I understand that I can't change him. So how do I deal with this? How can I help an introvert navigate the waters of my very loud and gregarious family?

I'm trying to be accepting of who he is, but sometimes it's difficult.

Any advice?

I once heard it said that you can't change people, you can only bring out the best in them.
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« Reply #47 on: November 13, 2011, 10:12:44 PM »

There are a lot of suggestions, but I'll add some as an introvert myself. I hope I'm not repeating.

I HATE HATE HATE large crowds. I seriously hyperventilate when thinking about going in for coffee hour, all right? Get the picture?

However, I guess that I'm a bit different in that if a person is actually interested in every day conversation and isn't faking, I open up quite quickly. I actually hate politics talk because to me, it is utter fakery. And as someone who studied and spent years debating just about everyone who lived in my dorm, I hate talking about politics. Usually people repeat the same stuff. You guys think you have amazing insights that I've never heard before? You don't. Wink Really. I promise.

If it's about a specific topic that's current in the news, it's fine. But if I hear another "What is happening to our country" discussion, which usually precedes a long monologue, my eyes absolutely glaze over and I look for the exits.

I think introducing him to some people who have stuff in common is a good idea. Maybe even playing sports with one of your relatives (doubles tennis, bowling) or video games can help create bonds. Even going to a movie! It's weird but sometimes people feel more relaxed afterward, being in other people's spaces for a while.

I think the one-on-one aspect is key. After spending time with my future godparents outside of a church environment, it's been a bit easier to just chill out at church and sit back during coffee hour. Sometimes we get into a big discussion with a table of 10 people, sometimes we talk to 1 or 2 people, sometimes it's just "Hi"s. Whatever. I still get a little nervous but it isn't TOO bad.

Question to introverts who don't like to talk about "personal" topics: What the heck do I talk to you about? Of course I'm not asking about salary or your love life, but I'll usually ask where the person lives, how long they've been in the area, what do they do. If I feel like they don't want to answer, I'll change the subject quickly.

But I am really interested in other people, and I find it such a hurdle to overcome, to talk to people who just don't want to say anything. I don't watch sports and I try not to bring up politics because the chances that I will offend whoever I'm talking to are quite high.

The weather?!
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« Reply #48 on: November 13, 2011, 10:17:08 PM »

Question to introverts who don't like to talk about "personal" topics: What the heck do I talk to you about? Of course I'm not asking about salary or your love life, but I'll usually ask where the person lives, how long they've been in the area, what do they do. If I feel like they don't want to answer, I'll change the subject quickly.

But I am really interested in other people, and I find it such a hurdle to overcome, to talk to people who just don't want to say anything. I don't watch sports and I try not to bring up politics because the chances that I will offend whoever I'm talking to are quite high.

The weather?!

I am really interested in this answer as well.

One time at coffee hour someone asked Jon where he was from. Jon wouldn't elaborate anything beyond saying "the South."

Really? He's not asking for your social security number, just which state you are from!

Oy!
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« Reply #49 on: November 13, 2011, 10:24:16 PM »

Question to introverts who don't like to talk about "personal" topics: What the heck do I talk to you about? Of course I'm not asking about salary or your love life, but I'll usually ask where the person lives, how long they've been in the area, what do they do. If I feel like they don't want to answer, I'll change the subject quickly.

But I am really interested in other people, and I find it such a hurdle to overcome, to talk to people who just don't want to say anything. I don't watch sports and I try not to bring up politics because the chances that I will offend whoever I'm talking to are quite high.

The weather?!

I am really interested in this answer as well.

One time at coffee hour someone asked Jon where he was from. Jon wouldn't elaborate anything beyond saying "the South."

Really? He's not asking for your social security number, just which state you are from!

Oy!

LOL that's great. Well you know what I mean. Cheesy
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« Reply #50 on: November 13, 2011, 10:55:51 PM »

I am also quite introverted. Yesterday at liturgy there were a few new people visiting from Jordan and another white person who I'd never seen before. I felt very uncomfortable after liturgy when we had to meet them, especially the white guy because it seemed like the others were looking at him as though I'd have a friend of my own to play with or something while they went off to speak to each other in Arabic (it seems like some still can't quite grasp that I don't really mind the Arabic, and can speak a little bit). It got even more uncomfortable after he left and they started comparing us. "He (the other white guy) is baptized! When are YOU going to get baptized, Jeremy?" I didn't realize I was in competition with some guy I'd never met just because we have similar skin tones...  Undecided

Anyway, so yes, I can relate to the feeling of general uncomfortableness around people. I think the suggestion to talk to your family is a very good one. Not doing so can lead to some very unpleasant situations. One of my best friends confided in me a while back that for the first year and a half after I was introduced to him, her fiancee (now husband) thought that I hated him. I was confused as to why he would think that and she said it's because he is very extroverted so he took it as a bit of a snub when I didn't volunteer a lot of information in conversation or involve myself in small talk. The trouble with this is that, of course, after a year and a half of being thought of as a jerk, it was kind of hard to know where to go from there. So I think it's a very good idea to talk to your family before too much more time has passed to avoid this kind of situation. Nothing is more stressful for me than having to explain my extrovertedness to someone who takes it as a personal affront, especially in the context of a "I know you've thought I was a jerk for a year and a half, but..." conversation that I absolutely don't want to have. Gah, I'm cringing just typing about it and it already happened about 3 years ago...hahaha.

Try not to let it get to that point. Smiley
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« Reply #51 on: November 13, 2011, 11:09:45 PM »

I generally find silence and solitary time therapeutic. My wife bugs me about it... "I need to talk, it helps me" she'll say and my response is "not talking helps me."  Undecided

Conversations with other people are usually not as interesting to me as what's going on in my own head- as pompous as that sounds.

That said, I've come to realize some serious mistakes I made in allowing some friendships to fade and not pursuing others because I wasn't willing to expend a little mental/ emotional effort to go outside of myself.
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« Reply #52 on: November 14, 2011, 12:04:54 AM »

I am not so much looking to "help" or "change," but rather to understand.

As the article Ebor posted states, being an introvert is not a choice but an orientation. The brains of introverts are wired differently than extroverts. It is an organic state that I am trying to understand and accommodate.

Also, it helps to know that his need for time alone is not because he does not want to be with me, but because he is trying to rest from being in a job that forces him to interact with people all day long.

It is this post that perplexes me. Before getting into that, there has been little written as to the physiological response that an introvert may go through. In my case, the more people present, the more I succumb to the feeling of nausea and I clearly start sweating and become flushed. I just want to get a way to make the discomfort go away.

I did not write previously because I think Scamandrius, LBK, Peter the Aleut and Genesisone, covered everything that I thought was worth mentioning. If you put that all together, introverts do quite well when relationships are developed in a more one-on-one basis. I have my own thoughts on how to proceed in that matter, but it is clear you are not interested at this point.

Contrary to your possible belief, most men are not extroverts although the degree varies. And contrary to how your think of yourself most women that I run into are also not extroverts. We tend to see both already adapted into their comfort zone, which can be obtained piecemeal, which is really what this discussion should be about.

I am not complaining, but your issues appear to go beyond the topic of this thread and there is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps I am blowing this out of proportion but I do care about you although you do not know me.
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« Reply #53 on: November 14, 2011, 12:27:43 AM »

I am not so much looking to "help" or "change," but rather to understand.

As the article Ebor posted states, being an introvert is not a choice but an orientation. The brains of introverts are wired differently than extroverts. It is an organic state that I am trying to understand and accommodate.

Also, it helps to know that his need for time alone is not because he does not want to be with me, but because he is trying to rest from being in a job that forces him to interact with people all day long.

It is this post that perplexes me. Before getting into that, there has been little written as to the physiological response that an introvert may go through. In my case, the more people present, the more I succumb to the feeling of nausea and I clearly start sweating and become flushed. I just want to get a way to make the discomfort go away.

I did not write previously because I think Scamandrius, LBK, Peter the Aleut and Genesisone, covered everything that I thought was worth mentioning. If you put that all together, introverts do quite well when relationships are developed in a more one-on-one basis. I have my own thoughts on how to proceed in that matter, but it is clear you are not interested at this point.

Contrary to your possible belief, most men are not extroverts although the degree varies. And contrary to how your think of yourself most women that I run into are also not extroverts. We tend to see both already adapted into their comfort zone, which can be obtained piecemeal, which is really what this discussion should be about.

I am not complaining, but your issues appear to go beyond the topic of this thread and there is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps I am blowing this out of proportion but I do care about you although you do not know me.

If you don't mind me asking, what is it about this post that perplexes you?  Huh

What issues do you feel I have that go beyond that of an extrovert being partnered with an introvert?

In regards to my degree of "extrovert", there are several members on this board who know me in real life who could testify to my outgoing nature. It's been joked that I could have a conversation with a wall.  laugh

A lot of what people have been posting here has rung true to my situation, and really brings me great comfort and help.

I really appreciate what everyone has been saying, and hope everyone will continue to post. It really has helped me more than you know.
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« Reply #54 on: November 14, 2011, 12:47:05 AM »

I don't think we can simply talk about extroverts and introverts because there are so many different kinds and for a variety of reasons.

I have friends who are introverts because they lack confidence, some who are that way because they are shy and some who aren't introverts at all but seem that way because they are controlling about what information they let out and who they can be bothered to talk to.

The one who lacks confidence is helped by some of the suggestions that have been made already. The one who is shy won't ever be much different, it's who they are and the person who's controlling i just let them get on with it and i get on with my conversations with others.

I think i'm probably a mix of both extro and intro, depending on what situation i'm in. That probably can be said for a lot of us.
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« Reply #55 on: November 14, 2011, 03:54:28 AM »

I don't think we can simply talk about extroverts and introverts because there are so many different kinds and for a variety of reasons.

I have friends who are introverts because they lack confidence, some who are that way because they are shy and some who aren't introverts at all but seem that way because they are controlling about what information they let out and who they can be bothered to talk to.

The one who lacks confidence is helped by some of the suggestions that have been made already. The one who is shy won't ever be much different, it's who they are and the person who's controlling i just let them get on with it and i get on with my conversations with others.

I think i'm probably a mix of both extro and intro, depending on what situation i'm in. That probably can be said for a lot of us.
Have you been reading HMoG's posts on this thread, or are you just speaking to an abstraction?

Do you speak from personal experience as an introvert, as do so many others on this thread, or are you just speaking academically?

BTW, are you familiar with the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator? It seems that you don't really understand what an introvert is.
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« Reply #56 on: November 14, 2011, 07:11:49 AM »

I don't think we can simply talk about extroverts and introverts because there are so many different kinds and for a variety of reasons.

I have friends who are introverts because they lack confidence, some who are that way because they are shy and some who aren't introverts at all but seem that way because they are controlling about what information they let out and who they can be bothered to talk to.

The one who lacks confidence is helped by some of the suggestions that have been made already. The one who is shy won't ever be much different, it's who they are and the person who's controlling i just let them get on with it and i get on with my conversations with others.

I think i'm probably a mix of both extro and intro, depending on what situation i'm in. That probably can be said for a lot of us.
Have you been reading HMoG's posts on this thread, or are you just speaking to an abstraction?

Do you speak from personal experience as an introvert, as do so many others on this thread, or are you just speaking academically?

BTW, are you familiar with the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator? It seems that you don't really understand what an introvert is.

Yes, i've read all the posts and wanted to comment generally.

Personal experience and as neither one nor the other.

I do understand what an introvert is and am familiar with MGI types and no i wasn't speaking academically.
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« Reply #57 on: November 14, 2011, 07:45:16 AM »

Question to introverts who don't like to talk about "personal" topics: What the heck do I talk to you about? Of course I'm not asking about salary or your love life, but I'll usually ask where the person lives, how long they've been in the area, what do they do. If I feel like they don't want to answer, I'll change the subject quickly.

But I am really interested in other people, and I find it such a hurdle to overcome, to talk to people who just don't want to say anything. I don't watch sports and I try not to bring up politics because the chances that I will offend whoever I'm talking to are quite high.

The weather?!

I am really interested in this answer as well.

One time at coffee hour someone asked Jon where he was from. Jon wouldn't elaborate anything beyond saying "the South."

Really? He's not asking for your social security number, just which state you are from!

Oy!

Don't ask him the questions that make him feel being interrogated by the police. For me the best think is when the interlocutor does all the talking and I sometimes nod, grunt or ask some questions to maintain the chat. Also topics that he is very interested in can make him talk (or even argue).
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« Reply #58 on: November 14, 2011, 08:34:49 AM »

Question to introverts who don't like to talk about "personal" topics: What the heck do I talk to you about? Of course I'm not asking about salary or your love life, but I'll usually ask where the person lives, how long they've been in the area, what do they do. If I feel like they don't want to answer, I'll change the subject quickly.

But I am really interested in other people, and I find it such a hurdle to overcome, to talk to people who just don't want to say anything. I don't watch sports and I try not to bring up politics because the chances that I will offend whoever I'm talking to are quite high.

The weather?!

I am really interested in this answer as well.

One time at coffee hour someone asked Jon where he was from. Jon wouldn't elaborate anything beyond saying "the South."

Really? He's not asking for your social security number, just which state you are from!

Oy!

Don't ask him the questions that make him feel being interrogated by the police. For me the best think is when the interlocutor does all the talking and I sometimes nod, grunt or ask some questions to maintain the chat. Also topics that he is very interested in can make him talk (or even argue).
Yeah, but if I do all the talking, I feel like a Chatty Cathy.

And believe me, we can tell when you guys are not interested.
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« Reply #59 on: November 14, 2011, 08:37:34 AM »

It's not that were are no interested in but we (at least I) prefer to listen to than to talk myself.
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« Reply #60 on: November 14, 2011, 08:43:51 AM »

PtA is right, once an introvert, always an introvert.
The boxer George Foreman seemingly went from introvert to extrovert, due to a religious experience in the early '80s.
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« Reply #61 on: November 14, 2011, 10:02:06 AM »

PtA is right, once an introvert, always an introvert.
The boxer George Foreman seemingly went from introvert to extrovert, due to a religious experience in the early '80s.
How much do you really know about George Foreman? Did he really become an extrovert, or did he just become more outspoken? I know some very outspoken people who are still very much introverts at heart.
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« Reply #62 on: November 14, 2011, 10:50:15 AM »

PtA is right, once an introvert, always an introvert.
The boxer George Foreman seemingly went from introvert to extrovert, due to a religious experience in the early '80s.
How much do you really know about George Foreman? Did he really become an extrovert, or did he just become more outspoken? I know some very outspoken people who are still very much introverts at heart.
...which is why I wrote "seemingly".
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« Reply #63 on: November 14, 2011, 11:59:52 AM »

I think i've done that too. Like i said, it depends on why you're an introvert.
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« Reply #64 on: November 14, 2011, 01:38:30 PM »

It's not that were are no interested in but we (at least I) prefer to listen to than to talk myself.

Bingo. Also, for me, I feel like I don't really have the necessary _____ (whatever it is) to actually keep a conversation going. So even if I get through the pleasantries (which is kind of exhausting, if it's a new person who wants to know a lot of things), the conversation just sort of...dies. Somewhere in my socialization as a very young child I must have missed the lesson that explained how this is supposed to work. I know a lot about listening (because it's easier and I'm more comfortable with it), but I often feel like I don't have anything to say when it's my turn to talk. It's not that I'm not interested, I really just have no insight on the topic most of the time. I feel like a lot of people have common interests that I don't share, so there's no way to add anything to whatever it is they're talking about. This is somehow worse among friends, since I know that they'd know I was "faking it" and didn't suddenly develop an interest in popular music, fashion, secular humanism, football, etc. And this makes me feel awful (and hence makes me withdraw more), since there's no way of explaining it that doesn't make me seem arrogant, when really it's a matter of having no shared experience or worldview. So it's like this terrible, isolating cycle that unfortunately hasn't gotten better or fixed itself as I've gotten older, as I'd hoped it would. Cheesy
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« Reply #65 on: November 14, 2011, 02:00:36 PM »

It's not that were are no interested in but we (at least I) prefer to listen to than to talk myself.

Bingo. Also, for me, I feel like I don't really have the necessary _____ (whatever it is) to actually keep a conversation going. So even if I get through the pleasantries (which is kind of exhausting, if it's a new person who wants to know a lot of things), the conversation just sort of...dies. Somewhere in my socialization as a very young child I must have missed the lesson that explained how this is supposed to work. I know a lot about listening (because it's easier and I'm more comfortable with it), but I often feel like I don't have anything to say when it's my turn to talk. It's not that I'm not interested, I really just have no insight on the topic most of the time. I feel like a lot of people have common interests that I don't share, so there's no way to add anything to whatever it is they're talking about. This is somehow worse among friends, since I know that they'd know I was "faking it" and didn't suddenly develop an interest in popular music, fashion, secular humanism, football, etc. And this makes me feel awful (and hence makes me withdraw more), since there's no way of explaining it that doesn't make me seem arrogant, when really it's a matter of having no shared experience or worldview. So it's like this terrible, isolating cycle that unfortunately hasn't gotten better or fixed itself as I've gotten older, as I'd hoped it would. Cheesy

For my BF it seems to fluctuate between genuine lack of interest, and/or not knowing/having anything to say.

I have another question though: how, as introverts, do you handle conflict?

For example, if your significant other or a family member approaches you about a topic you are not comfortable with, or there is a problem in the relationship, how do you respond?
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« Reply #66 on: November 14, 2011, 02:27:57 PM »

It really depends on the topic and the person bringing it up. In general however, I try to avoid conflict by either avoiding the subject altogether (e.g., trying to change the subject or just saying "I'm really not comfortable talking about this"), or when that isn't possible trying to offer up as little information as possible so as to not prolong the conversation.

For instance, my father and I tend to not see eye to eye on religion, because he's involved in an anti-Christian cult. When he first became involved with these people, I tried to talk to him and reason with him about the falsehood of their corrupted, blasphemous doctrines (not in so many adjectives, mind you). He became shockingly angry (as he had only met with their missionaries two times at that point, I was taken aback by his response), and insisted that I was ignorant and shouldn't say such things because "everything this group teaches is based on the Bible" (well yeah, that's how Christianity-based cults work!). Having not succeeded in a more direct approach, I maintain(ed) a more general rejection of this group and its doctrine. After he LIED to the leader of the local chapter of this organization here in Albuquerque, saying that I was interested in joining them (even though I've told him explicitly several times that I was not interested, and he knows I am exploring Orthodoxy), I realized that there was nothing to be gained from trying to engage him on this issue, since he clearly did not respect or understand (or want to understand) my position, so now I just shut all attempts at religious conversation down before they even get going. I'm not sure this is the right way to go about things, but I figure I've tried everything else and now all that I can do is what I've been doing from the beginning: pray, and pray, and pray!

So yeah...it really depends. I'm of course willing to go out of my way to engage when it is something important (I really don't like it, but who else is going to do it? Christ is more important than being comfortable), but when/if that doesn't work it still follows the general pattern: withdraw, volunteer as little as possible, and if it just won't go away, just shut down altogether.

Sorry. I really wish I had a more hopeful answer for you. Maybe someone else will.
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« Reply #67 on: November 14, 2011, 03:41:37 PM »

Hello! I'm an introvert myself and I'm very quiet during gatherings. If your boyfriend is at least a bit similar to me, then he likes to talk, but not just about anything and with anyone. Talk about what interests him and ask for his opinion on things. Not necessarily about what color to pick for the new pillows Smiley, but maybe how some matter should be approached. Something important that makes him feel important to you.

Also, if I'm at a gathering and I'm ignored, I become upset. On the other hand, if I stay for an hour or two and the conversation revolves about something that doesn't interest me, then my head hurts Smiley

I think that you should respect him for who he is and don't ask too much from him. Maybe he can try a bit harder, like asking your mother how did she prepared that delicious food she keeps serving you:), but, in time, with patience and love, things can come around.
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« Reply #68 on: November 14, 2011, 04:20:43 PM »

It's not that were are no interested in but we (at least I) prefer to listen to than to talk myself.

Bingo. Also, for me, I feel like I don't really have the necessary _____ (whatever it is) to actually keep a conversation going. So even if I get through the pleasantries (which is kind of exhausting, if it's a new person who wants to know a lot of things), the conversation just sort of...dies. Somewhere in my socialization as a very young child I must have missed the lesson that explained how this is supposed to work. I know a lot about listening (because it's easier and I'm more comfortable with it), but I often feel like I don't have anything to say when it's my turn to talk. It's not that I'm not interested, I really just have no insight on the topic most of the time. I feel like a lot of people have common interests that I don't share, so there's no way to add anything to whatever it is they're talking about. This is somehow worse among friends, since I know that they'd know I was "faking it" and didn't suddenly develop an interest in popular music, fashion, secular humanism, football, etc. And this makes me feel awful (and hence makes me withdraw more), since there's no way of explaining it that doesn't make me seem arrogant, when really it's a matter of having no shared experience or worldview. So it's like this terrible, isolating cycle that unfortunately hasn't gotten better or fixed itself as I've gotten older, as I'd hoped it would. Cheesy

For my BF it seems to fluctuate between genuine lack of interest, and/or not knowing/having anything to say.

I have another question though: how, as introverts, do you handle conflict?

For example, if your significant other or a family member approaches you about a topic you are not comfortable with, or there is a problem in the relationship, how do you respond?

Depends on the topic. For me I ignore the controversial issue or very earnestly argue. Nothing in the middle.
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« Reply #69 on: November 14, 2011, 04:24:46 PM »

It might be added that introversion should not necessarily be indentfied with being shy. I tend to be introverted in that I need alone time, enjoying spending time with a few truly close friends, and get exhausted in large crowds. However, I can be quite outgoing in public.
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« Reply #70 on: November 14, 2011, 04:55:53 PM »

Aristotle would argue that both extremes fall out of the guidelines of perfection of character. Somewhere in the middle is where one should strive for and is constituted as normal by Orthodox and world standards. I myself sometimes tip the scales over to the introvert side without meaning to. But I try to recognized those times and correct myself. It's not healthy to let yourself go. The same can be said about any defect in character. Could you imagine if we let our laziness run away with us.
    Everybody needs a certain degree of peace and alone time. When one removes themselves completely from society. There is certainly a problem with that type of behavior. The same can be said about an overly friendly person who has a lack of self confidence and always wants to be around people to feel secure. These are all shortfalls that can be discussed with a priest.
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« Reply #71 on: November 14, 2011, 06:12:48 PM »

It's not that were are no interested in but we (at least I) prefer to listen to than to talk myself.

Bingo. Also, for me, I feel like I don't really have the necessary _____ (whatever it is) to actually keep a conversation going. So even if I get through the pleasantries (which is kind of exhausting, if it's a new person who wants to know a lot of things), the conversation just sort of...dies. Somewhere in my socialization as a very young child I must have missed the lesson that explained how this is supposed to work. I know a lot about listening (because it's easier and I'm more comfortable with it), but I often feel like I don't have anything to say when it's my turn to talk. It's not that I'm not interested, I really just have no insight on the topic most of the time. I feel like a lot of people have common interests that I don't share, so there's no way to add anything to whatever it is they're talking about. This is somehow worse among friends, since I know that they'd know I was "faking it" and didn't suddenly develop an interest in popular music, fashion, secular humanism, football, etc. And this makes me feel awful (and hence makes me withdraw more), since there's no way of explaining it that doesn't make me seem arrogant, when really it's a matter of having no shared experience or worldview. So it's like this terrible, isolating cycle that unfortunately hasn't gotten better or fixed itself as I've gotten older, as I'd hoped it would. Cheesy

For my BF it seems to fluctuate between genuine lack of interest, and/or not knowing/having anything to say.

I have another question though: how, as introverts, do you handle conflict?

For example, if your significant other or a family member approaches you about a topic you are not comfortable with, or there is a problem in the relationship, how do you respond?

I have learned, for the most part, not to engage or be engaged in conflict.  If it is merely a topic of conversation that is rather loaded I won't usually participate or at least I will hold back.  I can be VERY opinionated, but I am aware that my opinion rarely matters and it usually won't change anything in those circumstances.  If someone has a beef with me and they confront me I will hear them out.  After hearing them out I usually have to sit on it for a bit to process everything, particularly if the person is in a heated state.  My brain goes to the same place as when I am in a crowded hectic place.  Trying to hash something out without the opportunity to organize my thoughts doesn't work out so well.  I'm not sure that is unique to introverts though.
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« Reply #72 on: November 14, 2011, 06:27:11 PM »

It's not that were are no interested in but we (at least I) prefer to listen to than to talk myself.

Bingo. Also, for me, I feel like I don't really have the necessary _____ (whatever it is) to actually keep a conversation going. So even if I get through the pleasantries (which is kind of exhausting, if it's a new person who wants to know a lot of things), the conversation just sort of...dies. Somewhere in my socialization as a very young child I must have missed the lesson that explained how this is supposed to work. I know a lot about listening (because it's easier and I'm more comfortable with it), but I often feel like I don't have anything to say when it's my turn to talk. It's not that I'm not interested, I really just have no insight on the topic most of the time. I feel like a lot of people have common interests that I don't share, so there's no way to add anything to whatever it is they're talking about. This is somehow worse among friends, since I know that they'd know I was "faking it" and didn't suddenly develop an interest in popular music, fashion, secular humanism, football, etc. And this makes me feel awful (and hence makes me withdraw more), since there's no way of explaining it that doesn't make me seem arrogant, when really it's a matter of having no shared experience or worldview. So it's like this terrible, isolating cycle that unfortunately hasn't gotten better or fixed itself as I've gotten older, as I'd hoped it would. Cheesy

For my BF it seems to fluctuate between genuine lack of interest, and/or not knowing/having anything to say.

I have another question though: how, as introverts, do you handle conflict?

For example, if your significant other or a family member approaches you about a topic you are not comfortable with, or there is a problem in the relationship, how do you respond?
whatever you do, do not beat around the bush. Even if he doesn't have anything to say, or doesn't want to talk about it, I'll bet he is no fool and can see such a conversation hovering around, and the longer it hovers the worse the explosion. Better to get it over with.  That might just be say your piece, and then let him process it in his own way, even if that means you will have to wait for the response. Forcing it out then and there is not going to work.

You might have to get straight to the point in delievery, btw.
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« Reply #73 on: November 14, 2011, 07:02:46 PM »

RE how do i handle conflict


i run away
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« Reply #74 on: November 14, 2011, 07:07:12 PM »

RE how do i handle conflict


i run away

This is my problem. If I have to talk to him about something, and he doesn't like the topic, he just shuts down.

Literally.

He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.
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« Reply #75 on: November 14, 2011, 07:51:59 PM »

RE how do i handle conflict


i run away

This is my problem. If I have to talk to him about something, and he doesn't like the topic, he just shuts down.

Literally.

He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.
personally, i would love to be able to do something else, but i cant

conflict makes me feel like ive done something stupid/wrong by what ive said, which then makes me sad and makes me not say anything else, so i just run away from the senario
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« Reply #76 on: November 14, 2011, 07:58:56 PM »


He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.

Oh dear...... Could this be more controlling than introverted? It's not a good dynamic if you have to plead to find out why he is upset.   It might be better to go out and do something you enjoy while he has time to decide how to communicate what is bothering him.  (Sorry if I am projecting onto your situation something that isn't there.   )
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« Reply #77 on: November 14, 2011, 08:52:56 PM »


He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.

Oh dear...... Could this be more controlling than introverted? It's not a good dynamic if you have to plead to find out why he is upset.   It might be better to go out and do something you enjoy while he has time to decide how to communicate what is bothering him.  (Sorry if I am projecting onto your situation something that isn't there.   )

I appreciate your concern, but trust me, controlling he is not. Smiley

I can see how that could be interpreted though. Smiley
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« Reply #78 on: November 14, 2011, 09:23:13 PM »


I appreciate your concern, but trust me, controlling he is not. Smiley

I can see how that could be interpreted though. Smiley

Great!  This is a very interesting thread, by the way  Smiley
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« Reply #79 on: November 14, 2011, 09:29:15 PM »

Wow.  Now I am paranoid.  *looks around for hidden camera's*  It is like reading about myself, an introvert.

Of course my wife is an extrovert, sanguine or what ever term is used, she being outgoing and colorful.
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« Reply #80 on: November 14, 2011, 10:08:37 PM »

RE how do i handle conflict


i run away

This is my problem. If I have to talk to him about something, and he doesn't like the topic, he just shuts down.

Literally.

He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.
Well, that's a problem he is going to have to get over, if this includes topics that need discussing.

One of my ex's favorite games was "well if you don't know I'M not going to tell you."  I got tired of trying to please someone would wouldn't be pleased.

You have to break some eggs to make an omelette, and you should break them before you end up walking on egg shells.
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« Reply #81 on: November 15, 2011, 12:31:35 AM »

Just to give some background, I live in the North East portion of the US, and my boyfriend is from the South East.
I think I might just see one reason for not wanting to talk much around Northerners; every time I went up to Chicago (the only Northern city I've ever been to), people would ALWAYS ask me if I was from Mississippi or Alabama.  Apparently, they've never been to Missip' or 'Bama or the Ozarks.  In addition to that ridiculous question, they'd always get this grin and ask me to "say that again."   

I'm trying to be patient, but I must admit, patience is not my strong suit.  Wink
Maybe this is why God put y'all together?  Smiley

I'm not trying to make light of your situation, and as an introvert myself, I can only echo what the other introverts have said.  That article that Ebor provided was pretty cool and right on. 
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« Reply #82 on: November 15, 2011, 12:36:08 AM »

Just to give some background, I live in the North East portion of the US, and my boyfriend is from the South East.
I think I might just see one reason for not wanting to talk much around Northerners; every time I went up to Chicago (the only Northern city I've ever been to), people would ALWAYS ask me if I was from Mississippi or Alabama.  Apparently, they've never been to Missip' or 'Bama or the Ozarks.  In addition to that ridiculous question, they'd always get this grin and ask me to "say that again."   

I'm trying to be patient, but I must admit, patience is not my strong suit.  Wink
Maybe this is why God put y'all together?  Smiley

I'm not trying to make light of your situation, and as an introvert myself, I can only echo what the other introverts have said.  That article that Ebor provided was pretty cool and right on. 

a southern accent is always loved by northerners. and besides, chicago is the midwest, not the north
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« Reply #83 on: November 15, 2011, 12:55:06 AM »

I am sorry Handmaiden, it was only this:
I am not so much looking to "help" or "change," but rather to understand.

It seemed to me incongruent with your original posts in this thread and your appreciation of the advise that had already been given. This particular post had the appearance of changing your original intent of seeking help with a general request of introverts as to how their minds work. But then again this interpretation seemed incongruent with most if not all of your past posts. Thus I was perplexed as to its meaning.

In regard to you post, I never questioned whether or not you are an extrovert. In my opinion an extrovert spouse is what and introvert needs for an enriching life.

I want to make one more statement, I think this is generally not true:
I understand that I can't change him. So how do I deal with this? How can I help an introvert navigate the waters .....?

Whether you are part of your boyfriends life or not, he will change in this regard. If you marry him (ignoring all other potential issues in this regard) you would certainly speed up the process if you understand the previous posts about incrementally expanding his relationships. Needless to say, someone of mine temperment appreciates the efforts of others who know me to answer questions directed at me on the basis of kindness.
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« Reply #84 on: November 15, 2011, 01:16:12 AM »

Just to give some background, I live in the North East portion of the US, and my boyfriend is from the South East.
I think I might just see one reason for not wanting to talk much around Northerners; every time I went up to Chicago (the only Northern city I've ever been to), people would ALWAYS ask me if I was from Mississippi or Alabama.  Apparently, they've never been to Missip' or 'Bama or the Ozarks.  In addition to that ridiculous question, they'd always get this grin and ask me to "say that again."   

I'm trying to be patient, but I must admit, patience is not my strong suit.  Wink
Maybe this is why God put y'all together?  Smiley

I'm not trying to make light of your situation, and as an introvert myself, I can only echo what the other introverts have said.  That article that Ebor provided was pretty cool and right on. 

 and besides, chicago is the midwest, not the north

 Thanks for the attempt at a geography lesson, bless your heart.  Wink
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« Reply #85 on: November 15, 2011, 01:32:35 AM »

RE how do i handle conflict


i run away

This is my problem. If I have to talk to him about something, and he doesn't like the topic, he just shuts down.

Literally.

He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.
You sure this guy is an introvert?
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« Reply #86 on: November 15, 2011, 01:40:35 AM »

RE how do i handle conflict


i run away

This is my problem. If I have to talk to him about something, and he doesn't like the topic, he just shuts down.

Literally.

He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.
You sure this guy is an introvert?

I wondered the same thing.  I Don't mean to sound judgmental or try and diagnose him, but based solely on the description above, there might be more than just introversion at play.  No need to respond or clarify, but it might be worth exploring.   
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« Reply #87 on: November 15, 2011, 02:01:01 AM »

RE how do i handle conflict


i run away

This is my problem. If I have to talk to him about something, and he doesn't like the topic, he just shuts down.

Literally.

He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.
Based solely on what I read here, I would say this is an unhealthy avoidance behavior bordering on the passive-aggressive. An introvert can learn how to address conflict in a healthy manner, but that requires a willingness to talk about what's bothering him.
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« Reply #88 on: November 15, 2011, 05:10:17 AM »

RE how do i handle conflict


i run away

This is my problem. If I have to talk to him about something, and he doesn't like the topic, he just shuts down.

Literally.

He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.
Based solely on what I read here, I would say this is an unhealthy avoidance behavior bordering on the passive-aggressive. An introvert can learn how to address conflict in a healthy manner, but that requires a willingness to talk about what's bothering him.

Do you have professional qualifications in any area of psychology?
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« Reply #89 on: November 15, 2011, 10:22:30 PM »

a southern accent is always loved by northerners. and besides, chicago is the midwest, not the north

Just to clarify, although born in Kentucky and raised in South Carolina, he has no trace of a Southern accent. Doesn't even use the word y'all. Smiley
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« Reply #90 on: November 15, 2011, 10:24:48 PM »

RE how do i handle conflict


i run away

This is my problem. If I have to talk to him about something, and he doesn't like the topic, he just shuts down.

Literally.

He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.
Based solely on what I read here, I would say this is an unhealthy avoidance behavior bordering on the passive-aggressive. An introvert can learn how to address conflict in a healthy manner, but that requires a willingness to talk about what's bothering him.

Do you have professional qualifications in any area of psychology?

Do you?
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« Reply #91 on: November 16, 2011, 06:04:59 AM »

RE how do i handle conflict


i run away

This is my problem. If I have to talk to him about something, and he doesn't like the topic, he just shuts down.

Literally.

He will close his eyes, fold his arms, and just sit there with a scowl on his face.

I then have to beg him to talk and tell me why he is upset, and what I said upset him.

VERY frustrating.
Based solely on what I read here, I would say this is an unhealthy avoidance behavior bordering on the passive-aggressive. An introvert can learn how to address conflict in a healthy manner, but that requires a willingness to talk about what's bothering him.

Do you have professional qualifications in any area of psychology?

Do you?

Sorry, i was asking PtA.
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« Reply #92 on: November 16, 2011, 07:01:29 AM »

Let's not derail HandmaidenOfGod's very interesting thread. Smiley Noone is offering to do professional therapy for which a license is needed, just offering some interesting points to be considered.   I'm sure you wouldn't ask a mother, who says her child might have chicken pox, if she is a medical doctor.

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« Reply #93 on: November 16, 2011, 12:27:28 PM »

One thing to remember is that extroverts and introverts have different ways of drawing in and expending mental and emotional energy. Extroverts draw their energy from being with people and find alone time psychological draining, while introverts are the exact opposite, drawing their energy from being alone and finding time with people draining.

This is key to understanding introverts and extroverts. For example, we had a big function on Saturday (work-related, over 600 people, most of 'em Greeks- and I think I interacted and spoke with every single one of them!) The next day I felt like I was coming down with the flu, I was so tired. I needed to sit with a cup of coffee and stare into space for awhile - in silence - before I felt halfway able to function.

We're not being antisocial - we're exhausted by you noisy extroverts.

I was once at a workshop on this very subject and the facilitator asked us to separate into groups according to whether we were introverts or extroverts. When she asked us introverts if we had anything to say to the extroverts, one woman looked at the other group and said, gently, but with feeling, "Shut up!"
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« Reply #94 on: November 16, 2011, 12:39:39 PM »

a southern accent is always loved by northerners. and besides, chicago is the midwest, not the north

Not to derail this interesting thread, but it's been my experience that Northerners think Southerners sound ignorant. And anyone north of the Mason-Dixon line, whether it's New York or Chicago, is a Yankee. Sorry to disapoint.
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« Reply #95 on: November 16, 2011, 12:50:10 PM »

a southern accent is always loved by northerners. and besides, chicago is the midwest, not the north

Not to derail this interesting thread, but it's been my experience that Northerners think Southerners sound ignorant. And anyone north of the Mason-Dixon line, whether it's New York or Chicago, is a Yankee. Sorry to disapoint.
Funny, Roe Kahn, one of the local Chicago talk greats, just remarked on how whenever anyone imitates a lawyer here, they put on a southern accent.  Of course, that might just be a comment on the intelligence of laywers.

Btw, most of Illinois is south of the Mason-Dixon line.
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« Reply #96 on: November 16, 2011, 12:51:03 PM »

One thing to remember is that extroverts and introverts have different ways of drawing in and expending mental and emotional energy. Extroverts draw their energy from being with people and find alone time psychological draining, while introverts are the exact opposite, drawing their energy from being alone and finding time with people draining.

This is key to understanding introverts and extroverts. For example, we had a big function on Saturday (work-related, over 600 people, most of 'em Greeks- and I think I interacted and spoke with every single one of them!) The next day I felt like I was coming down with the flu, I was so tired. I needed to sit with a cup of coffee and stare into space for awhile - in silence - before I felt halfway able to function.

We're not being antisocial - we're exhausted by you noisy extroverts.

I was once at a workshop on this very subject and the facilitator asked us to separate into groups according to whether we were introverts or extroverts. When she asked us introverts if we had anything to say to the extroverts, one woman looked at the other group and said, gently, but with feeling, "Shut up!"
LOL. QFT.
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« Reply #97 on: November 16, 2011, 01:45:59 PM »

One thing to remember is that extroverts and introverts have different ways of drawing in and expending mental and emotional energy. Extroverts draw their energy from being with people and find alone time psychological draining, while introverts are the exact opposite, drawing their energy from being alone and finding time with people draining.

This is key to understanding introverts and extroverts. For example, we had a big function on Saturday (work-related, over 600 people, most of 'em Greeks- and I think I interacted and spoke with every single one of them!) The next day I felt like I was coming down with the flu, I was so tired. I needed to sit with a cup of coffee and stare into space for awhile - in silence - before I felt halfway able to function.

We're not being antisocial - we're exhausted by you noisy extroverts.

I was once at a workshop on this very subject and the facilitator asked us to separate into groups according to whether we were introverts or extroverts. When she asked us introverts if we had anything to say to the extroverts, one woman looked at the other group and said, gently, but with feeling, "Shut up!"

His behavior is in line with your statements.

I guess my question is, well, when is it okay to talk?

It seems like for introverts, there is never enough silence to be had, and there is always too much talking.

I'm used to talking out my thoughts, talking out my ideas before coming to a final decision. With Jon, he doesn't speak until a decision is concrete in his mind. As a result, he sometimes puts more weight on my words than I associate with them. I've tried to be more measured in my speech, but it's difficult, since I've never really thought about it before.

My mother, who grew up in a household that repressed emotions and feelings, always encouraged my sister and I to be very expressive. For a gregarious individual such as myself, this was great.

Now I find I'm having to be more measured in my expression. While there is prudence in thinking before you speak, I also feel stifled a bit. Like a bird who had her wings trimmed.

*Just to clarify: it's not that Jon has told me to not speak or not express myself, rather I am trying to modify my extroverted ways to be more accommodating to his introverted nature. This is an initiative I have taken up on my own, have not discussed with him, and he has not asked me to "shut up." So, I don't want anyone to think he is psychologically manipulating me or controlling me.

He's never asked me to not talk, but I can tell he values silence.
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« Reply #98 on: November 16, 2011, 02:04:39 PM »

I'll admit that I would find the world much easier to navigate if it were much, much quieter, but I don't think that's the extroverts' responsibility. Just like your boyfriend would not like to be forced to talk, you do not like to be forced to keep silent. It should be about striking a proper balance so that you two can get along better, he can understand your family and your family can understand him, etc. Things like that. If I were you, I wouldn't think "when is it okay to talk"; I would try to think "when my significant others' behavior seems strange to me, here is why" (thinking back on everything you've learned from introverts in this thread). Because you're right: There's no use in trying to make things as quiet as he would like them, because that's too much silence for you. I presume you are dating a man, not a child, so he should just deal with it, to a certain extent. It'll be good for him in the long run (this is why I make a point to spend time around extroverted friends of mine; even if I usually end up leaving the party before everyone else, at least I get out of my comfort zone for a bit.) And if he seems to be worn out after a certain point in a social interaction, now you understand why and don't have to beg him to explain it to you, which just seems frustrating and awful. But in any case, his mood certainly shouldn't control your mood! Smiley
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« Reply #99 on: November 16, 2011, 02:17:49 PM »

I'll admit that I would find the world much easier to navigate if it were much, much quieter, but I don't think that's the extroverts' responsibility. Just like your boyfriend would not like to be forced to talk, you do not like to be forced to keep silent. It should be about striking a proper balance so that you two can get along better, he can understand your family and your family can understand him, etc. Things like that. If I were you, I wouldn't think "when is it okay to talk"; I would try to think "when my significant others' behavior seems strange to me, here is why" (thinking back on everything you've learned from introverts in this thread). Because you're right: There's no use in trying to make things as quiet as he would like them, because that's too much silence for you. I presume you are dating a man, not a child, so he should just deal with it, to a certain extent. It'll be good for him in the long run (this is why I make a point to spend time around extroverted friends of mine; even if I usually end up leaving the party before everyone else, at least I get out of my comfort zone for a bit.) And if he seems to be worn out after a certain point in a social interaction, now you understand why and don't have to beg him to explain it to you, which just seems frustrating and awful. But in any case, his mood certainly shouldn't control your mood! Smiley

You're absolutely right; and I will try to keep this in mind going forward. Smiley

It will not be easy, but as Shakespeare wrote, "the course of true love never did run smooth."  laugh
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« Reply #100 on: November 16, 2011, 08:58:20 PM »

Was Jesus an introvert?
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« Reply #101 on: November 16, 2011, 09:11:54 PM »

Highly doubt it.
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« Reply #102 on: November 16, 2011, 09:31:29 PM »

Was Jesus an introvert?

How is that relevant to the discussion?
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« Reply #103 on: November 16, 2011, 09:48:11 PM »

Was Jesus an introvert?

"And he spake to his disciples, that a small ship should wait on him because of the multitude, lest they should throng him." - Mark 3:9
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« Reply #104 on: November 16, 2011, 09:59:45 PM »

One thing to remember is that extroverts and introverts have different ways of drawing in and expending mental and emotional energy. Extroverts draw their energy from being with people and find alone time psychological draining, while introverts are the exact opposite, drawing their energy from being alone and finding time with people draining.

This is key to understanding introverts and extroverts. For example, we had a big function on Saturday (work-related, over 600 people, most of 'em Greeks- and I think I interacted and spoke with every single one of them!) The next day I felt like I was coming down with the flu, I was so tired. I needed to sit with a cup of coffee and stare into space for awhile - in silence - before I felt halfway able to function.

We're not being antisocial - we're exhausted by you noisy extroverts.

I was once at a workshop on this very subject and the facilitator asked us to separate into groups according to whether we were introverts or extroverts. When she asked us introverts if we had anything to say to the extroverts, one woman looked at the other group and said, gently, but with feeling, "Shut up!"

His behavior is in line with your statements.

I guess my question is, well, when is it okay to talk?

It seems like for introverts, there is never enough silence to be had, and there is always too much talking.

I'm used to talking out my thoughts, talking out my ideas before coming to a final decision. With Jon, he doesn't speak until a decision is concrete in his mind. As a result, he sometimes puts more weight on my words than I associate with them. I've tried to be more measured in my speech, but it's difficult, since I've never really thought about it before.

My mother, who grew up in a household that repressed emotions and feelings, always encouraged my sister and I to be very expressive. For a gregarious individual such as myself, this was great.

Now I find I'm having to be more measured in my expression. While there is prudence in thinking before you speak, I also feel stifled a bit. Like a bird who had her wings trimmed.

*Just to clarify: it's not that Jon has told me to not speak or not express myself, rather I am trying to modify my extroverted ways to be more accommodating to his introverted nature. This is an initiative I have taken up on my own, have not discussed with him, and he has not asked me to "shut up." So, I don't want anyone to think he is psychologically manipulating me or controlling me.

He's never asked me to not talk, but I can tell he values silence.

I think you are describing a constellation of personality features, not just introversion. I'm sure you're aware of this, but I'm just encouraging you to not tunnel-vision (yes, it's a verb in my world) on the introversion thing.

I am an introvert but cannot abide silence -- it gives me too much time to think and over-think, which I cannot resist doing in such moments.
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« Reply #105 on: November 16, 2011, 10:15:32 PM »

its facinating the number of introverts in here and its creepy how similar we are. Smiley
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« Reply #106 on: November 16, 2011, 10:20:48 PM »

I'm not an introvert.
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« Reply #107 on: November 16, 2011, 10:34:43 PM »

And stop insinuating that I'm creepy. That's mean.

In all seriousness, I would think that the percentage of introverts would be higher than in the general population. What's less outgoing than sitting at your computer, typing at people instead of talking with them in some real-world location?
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« Reply #108 on: November 16, 2011, 10:46:14 PM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
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« Reply #109 on: November 16, 2011, 10:49:30 PM »

And stop insinuating that I'm creepy. That's mean.

In all seriousness, I would think that the percentage of introverts would be higher than in the general population. What's less outgoing than sitting at your computer, typing at people instead of talking with them in some real-world location?

LOL, quite true!  Grin
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« Reply #110 on: November 16, 2011, 11:16:20 PM »

Was Jesus an introvert?

"And he spake to his disciples, that a small ship should wait on him because of the multitude, lest they should throng him." - Mark 3:9

Okay, but how does that help the discussion?
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« Reply #111 on: November 16, 2011, 11:20:24 PM »

Everyone wants to have something more in common with Christ, right?

(I don't really know, either.)
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« Reply #112 on: November 16, 2011, 11:42:55 PM »

One thing to remember is that extroverts and introverts have different ways of drawing in and expending mental and emotional energy. Extroverts draw their energy from being with people and find alone time psychological draining, while introverts are the exact opposite, drawing their energy from being alone and finding time with people draining.

This is key to understanding introverts and extroverts. For example, we had a big function on Saturday (work-related, over 600 people, most of 'em Greeks- and I think I interacted and spoke with every single one of them!) The next day I felt like I was coming down with the flu, I was so tired. I needed to sit with a cup of coffee and stare into space for awhile - in silence - before I felt halfway able to function.

We're not being antisocial - we're exhausted by you noisy extroverts.

I was once at a workshop on this very subject and the facilitator asked us to separate into groups according to whether we were introverts or extroverts. When she asked us introverts if we had anything to say to the extroverts, one woman looked at the other group and said, gently, but with feeling, "Shut up!"
I had a similar experience at a MBTI workshop recently where the presenter asked the introverts and extroverts to segregate themselves like this. He then asked us to talk about our differences and what makes us what we are. The extroverts had no problem just butting in and speaking whatever they had on their minds at the moment, while any introvert who had something to say quietly raised his hand and waited to be called on. That demonstrated our different approaches to talking better than anything anyone could ever have said. Grin
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« Reply #113 on: November 16, 2011, 11:47:22 PM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
Hey, that sounds like GREAT punishment for an introverted teenager! Force him to go to a loud party and talk to everyone there. laugh
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« Reply #114 on: November 16, 2011, 11:52:26 PM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
Hey, that sounds like GREAT punishment for an introverted teenager! Force him to go to a loud party and talk to everyone there. laugh

Lord have mercy. That sounds like mental abuse.  police
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« Reply #115 on: November 16, 2011, 11:53:22 PM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
Hey, that sounds like GREAT punishment for an introverted teenager! Force him to go to a loud party and talk to everyone there. laugh

Lord have mercy. That sounds like mental abuse.  police

I believe he was being sarcastic.
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« Reply #116 on: November 17, 2011, 12:09:19 AM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
Hey, that sounds like GREAT punishment for an introverted teenager! Force him to go to a loud party and talk to everyone there. laugh

Lord have mercy. That sounds like mental abuse.  police

I believe he was being sarcastic.

I guess I chose the wrong smilie. Actually, most of us share a combination of introvert/extrovert characteristics.
Even though my husband is a self-declared introvert, and I am more extroverted, we do have times when he appears more extroverted while I appear to be more introverted. For example, I do enjoy some quiet time and my own space where I can crochet, read, and compose poetry while my husband also craves his own space where he can work on his car, create electric gadgets, etc.,  but he can become the life of a party and imitate cartoon voices. So, it is a win-win situation.
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« Reply #117 on: November 17, 2011, 12:43:43 AM »

My boyfriend is a great guy. He is loving, supportive, and is very forgiving of me.

The problem is that he is an introvert and I am an extrovert. I am very gregarious and social by nature. I love to be around people, entertain, socialize, and have conversation. I was raised in a home where we talk about our feelings, our thoughts, and are very expressive in our communication. Family gatherings are usually filled with very loud cousins, and a lot of laughter. For me, there is nothing I like more than having people over and feeding them.

He was an only child who grew up 25 miles outside of town, so making friends was difficult. He would rather be playing video games than having conversation, and tends to keep to himself. This often makes for awkward social moments with my family. When we get together for dinners, he says very little, and doesn't go out of his way to socialize with them. My mother, in particular, feels put off by his behavior, and takes it personal.

He needs daily "alone time" where no one bothers him. Making friends isn't important to him, so when we go to coffee hour, he really couldn't be bothered with getting to know other parishioners. He doesn't like it when people he doesn't know ask him questions about himself, and is slow to trust others. 

I am afraid if I say anything, he will be offended.

Some of you on this board have stated in other threads that you are introverted.

I understand that I can't change him. So how do I deal with this? How can I help an introvert navigate the waters of my very loud and gregarious family?

I'm trying to be accepting of who he is, but sometimes it's difficult.

Any advice?

As a person well studied in this area, I do have a recommendation.  My recommendation would be to read "Please Understand Me II" by Dr. David Keirsey.   It goes into some detail on introvert vs. extrovert.  Roughly half of the population is extrovert and half introvert.   Keirsey takes the 4 basic personality types that have been recognized throughout human history (and espoused by St. John of Damascus) and further breaks them down into 4 subtypes each.   This is piggy-backing off of Myers-Briggs but Keirsey is superior ot Myers Briggs because he successfully debunks askew definitions of MB.   However, his personality test is lacking in my opinion as the questions that he asks are not clear.  But his identification of the 16 types is spot on, and will help you in the issue of introvert/extrovert as well as other relationship issues. 
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« Reply #118 on: November 17, 2011, 12:47:01 AM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
Hey, that sounds like GREAT punishment for an introverted teenager! Force him to go to a loud party and talk to everyone there. laugh

LOL oh that would be like living a nightmare!  I am glad my parents did not figure that one Grin
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« Reply #119 on: November 17, 2011, 12:54:57 AM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.
Hey, that sounds like GREAT punishment for an introverted teenager! Force him to go to a loud party and talk to everyone there. laugh

Lord have mercy. That sounds like mental abuse.  police

I believe he was being sarcastic.
No, I was being facetious. Grin
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« Reply #120 on: November 17, 2011, 01:01:46 AM »

I mean no disrespect or offence to you Handmaiden, but this is my honest opinion (I hope those pesky things are still allowed on this forum):

Your boyfriend is not an "introvert". Your boyfriend is...an individual.

If you feel the need to file him into some broad psychological category for the purpose of getting advice from complete strangers (to both you and him) on how to understand him...then I think there is a much deeper problem with your relationship—a suggestion which I believe is reinforced by your remark concerning your fear of offending him should you raise your issues with him for discussion.

Clearly you are well-intentioned; your heart is in the right place. I'm sure there are many wonderful things about your relationship, and by suggesting there is a "deeper problem" I am only hoping that you re-consider your approach to dealing with this issue. (I also do not mean to sound like I'm "picking" on your relationship by suggesting there is a problem with it—what human relationship does NOT have problems?)

Talk to him Handmaiden. Just...talk to him...not as some standard example of some general psychological type...but as an individual...an individual you love and hope to understand better that you may both grow fruitfully in the love of the Lord.

Sincerely  Smiley
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« Reply #121 on: November 17, 2011, 01:32:14 AM »

I mean no disrespect or offence to you Handmaiden, but this is my honest opinion (I hope those pesky things are still allowed on this forum):

Your boyfriend is not an "introvert". Your boyfriend is...an individual.

If you feel the need to file him into some broad psychological category for the purpose of getting advice from complete strangers (to both you and him) on how to understand him...then I think there is a much deeper problem with your relationship—a suggestion which I believe is reinforced by your remark concerning your fear of offending him should you raise your issues with him for discussion.

Clearly you are well-intentioned; your heart is in the right place. I'm sure there are many wonderful things about your relationship, and by suggesting there is a "deeper problem" I am only hoping that you re-consider your approach to dealing with this issue. (I also do not mean to sound like I'm "picking" on your relationship by suggesting there is a problem with it—what human relationship does NOT have problems?)

Talk to him Handmaiden. Just...talk to him...not as some standard example of some general psychological type...but as an individual...an individual you love and hope to understand better that you may both grow fruitfully in the love of the Lord.

Sincerely  Smiley


I agree because rarely is an individual 100 percent introvert or 100 percent extrovert. In fact, the scores can change as we meet people.
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« Reply #122 on: November 17, 2011, 01:34:52 AM »


I guess my question is, well, when is it okay to talk?

Whenever you have a need to express yourself.

Quote
It seems like for introverts, there is never enough silence to be had, and there is always too much talking.

This thought is usually incorrect.

Quote
I'm used to talking out my thoughts, talking out my ideas before coming to a final decision. With Jon, he doesn't speak until a decision is concrete in his mind. As a result, he sometimes puts more weight on my words than I associate with them. I've tried to be more measured in my speech, but it's difficult, since I've never really thought about it before.

This is excellent, whether Jon is an introvert or extrovert, miscommunication is a serious problem.

Quote
My mother, who grew up in a household that repressed emotions and feelings, always encouraged my sister and I to be very expressive. For a gregarious individual such as myself, this was great.

Agreed

Quote
Now I find I'm having to be more measured in my expression. While there is prudence in thinking before you speak, I also feel stifled a bit. Like a bird who had her wings trimmed.
Prudence is a good thing and while it may take you mere seconds to respond to a post like this, it is taking me at least an hour of thought of how to express myself that  truly reflects what I am thinking. Nevertheless the product is imperfect. Basically, what is natural and easy for you may be extremely taxing for someone else that wants to truly express themselves because of their limitations. Of course, the one advantage of my condition is that the 10 or so posts that occur once I start writing make my somewhat embarrassing post irrelevant (my posting to post writing ratio is less than 50%).

My take on all of this is that one cannot reasonably make a split between extrovert and introvert. It is a continuum between an ultra-extrovert (what ever that is and perhaps they do not survive in society) and a diagnostically-described autistic-spectrum person.

I am sorry if this seems wishy-washy, I just do not believe extrovert vs introvert is a black and white issue.
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« Reply #123 on: November 17, 2011, 01:56:29 AM »

I mean no disrespect or offence to you Handmaiden, but this is my honest opinion (I hope those pesky things are still allowed on this forum):

Your boyfriend is not an "introvert". Your boyfriend is...an individual.

If you feel the need to file him into some broad psychological category for the purpose of getting advice from complete strangers (to both you and him) on how to understand him...then I think there is a much deeper problem with your relationship—a suggestion which I believe is reinforced by your remark concerning your fear of offending him should you raise your issues with him for discussion.

Clearly you are well-intentioned; your heart is in the right place. I'm sure there are many wonderful things about your relationship, and by suggesting there is a "deeper problem" I am only hoping that you re-consider your approach to dealing with this issue. (I also do not mean to sound like I'm "picking" on your relationship by suggesting there is a problem with it—what human relationship does NOT have problems?)

Talk to him Handmaiden. Just...talk to him...not as some standard example of some general psychological type...but as an individual...an individual you love and hope to understand better that you may both grow fruitfully in the love of the Lord.

Sincerely  Smiley


Thank you. I appreciate the advice that you, and others, have given.

Please know that I don't expect a bunch of strangers on a forum to be able to tell me all there is to know about a man whom you've never met or interacted with. Jon's introverted tendencies are only one facet to his multi-facted personality.

However, it has been a great help, and a great reassurance to read everyone's postings. There are some things that people have written that are very similar to Jon, and some that are very different. Also, I know I am not doing a fair job of representing all that he is, and all that he means to me.

Although we have been together a year, there is still much to learn about one another. It's a process that I hope we will spend the rest of our lives accomplishing. The posts in this thread have given me a little insight as to how people with personalities different than my own, think.

This has been a help.

In a way, it's sort of been a support group. When you go to a support group, you hear about people who have circumstances similar to yours. Although they may not be the same, it is often reassuring to hear how others can empathize what you are going through.

This is what this thread has been for me.

It has reassured me that Jon's quiet tendencies are not because I am doing something wrong (I'm a woman, the first person I'm going to blame is myself in any given situation), but because he is just a quiet person. And that's okay. Smiley

Thanks again everyone, and please, I am open to any more advice anyone may offer.
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« Reply #124 on: November 17, 2011, 01:58:23 AM »

As a person well studied in this area, I do have a recommendation.  My recommendation would be to read "Please Understand Me II" by Dr. David Keirsey.   It goes into some detail on introvert vs. extrovert.  Roughly half of the population is extrovert and half introvert.   Keirsey takes the 4 basic personality types that have been recognized throughout human history (and espoused by St. John of Damascus) and further breaks them down into 4 subtypes each.   This is piggy-backing off of Myers-Briggs but Keirsey is superior ot Myers Briggs because he successfully debunks askew definitions of MB.   However, his personality test is lacking in my opinion as the questions that he asks are not clear.  But his identification of the 16 types is spot on, and will help you in the issue of introvert/extrovert as well as other relationship issues. 

Thank you Father, I will look into this.

Your balanced approach of quoting scientists and saints means a lot. Smiley
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« Reply #125 on: November 17, 2011, 02:03:06 AM »

Prudence is a good thing and while it may take you mere seconds to respond to a post like this, it is taking me at least an hour of thought of how to express myself that  truly reflects what I am thinking. Nevertheless the product is imperfect. Basically, what is natural and easy for you may be extremely taxing for someone else that wants to truly express themselves because of their limitations. Of course, the one advantage of my condition is that the 10 or so posts that occur once I start writing make my somewhat embarrassing post irrelevant (my posting to post writing ratio is less than 50%).

I really appreciate you sharing this.

In sharing how the cogs of your brain turn, you have given me insight that is much needed.

As you implied, I am able to reply quickly and easily to others statements. It's not something I've ever given a lot of thought to, as it has always come naturally for me. For Jon, he will sometimes struggle to make a sentence. It's like he knows what he wants to say, but doesn't know how to say it. He will sit there physically frustrated at his inability to articulate his thoughts at that particular moment.

To hear that others also have difficulty with this, well, it helps me to be more understanding and patient with him.

I obviously can't articulate his thoughts for him, but I can be patient while he puts them into sentence form.

So thank you. Smiley

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« Reply #126 on: November 17, 2011, 02:29:01 AM »

I mean no disrespect or offence to you Handmaiden, but this is my honest opinion (I hope those pesky things are still allowed on this forum):

Your boyfriend is not an "introvert". Your boyfriend is...an individual.

If you feel the need to file him into some broad psychological category for the purpose of getting advice from complete strangers (to both you and him) on how to understand him...then I think there is a much deeper problem with your relationship—a suggestion which I believe is reinforced by your remark concerning your fear of offending him should you raise your issues with him for discussion.

Clearly you are well-intentioned; your heart is in the right place. I'm sure there are many wonderful things about your relationship, and by suggesting there is a "deeper problem" I am only hoping that you re-consider your approach to dealing with this issue. (I also do not mean to sound like I'm "picking" on your relationship by suggesting there is a problem with it—what human relationship does NOT have problems?)

Talk to him Handmaiden. Just...talk to him...not as some standard example of some general psychological type...but as an individual...an individual you love and hope to understand better that you may both grow fruitfully in the love of the Lord.

Sincerely  Smiley


Excellent!
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« Reply #127 on: November 17, 2011, 02:52:19 AM »

Please know that I don't expect a bunch of strangers on a forum to be able to tell me all there is to know about a man whom you've never met or interacted with. Jon's introverted tendencies are only one facet to his multi-facted personality.

However, it has been a great help, and a great reassurance to read everyone's postings. There are some things that people have written that are very similar to Jon, and some that are very different...

...In a way, it's sort of been a support group. When you go to a support group, you hear about people who have circumstances similar to yours. Although they may not be the same, it is often reassuring to hear how others can empathize what you are going through.

This is what this thread has been for me.

Fair enough; but all that "good stuff" should be a mere appendix to your own direct, personal communication with Jon on the matters that bother you, not an alternative.

I would never have composed and published my previous response were it not for your remark concerning your inability to discuss the matters at hand with him personally.

Furthermore, back to my point on dealing with him as an "individual" rather than an "introvert", as much as what others have related concerning their own experiences might resonate with your experience with Jon, there are a myriad of possible explanations and interpretations for such (which you will not be able to effectively sort through and filter until you've spoken to him!)

I don't think it's helpful to reason along the lines of, "Person A said he does X because of Y; Jon does X, therefore it is perhaps because of Y". Your best chance for truly understanding Jon's behaviours is simply to talk to him...You will not work him out after one or even perhaps an hundred conversations on the relevant issues...but the more you work on developing a greater level of trust and comfort between you two as far as such issues are concerned, the greater chance you will have of truly understanding and dealing with them—a chance much greater at least than that offered by inferential reasoning from second-hand accounts of others.

Let me add one last point to give you some further insight into why I'm so adverse to the general discussion of "introverts" taking place in response to your want to deal with a specific individual:

If I was forced to put myself in either the introvert or extrovert category, I would probably place myself in the former. Yet, I read, for example, PeterTheAleut's first post on the first page of this thread as he speaks of what "we introverts" do and why we do it, and I sit here thinking, "Yes, I do that too...but NO that's not why I do that..." Or I read scamandrius' first post on the first page of this thread, and think to myself, "Yes, I tend to volunteer very little information too; but NO, it’s not because I have trust issues!" I could go on...but I think you get my point!
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« Reply #128 on: November 17, 2011, 09:46:47 AM »

I'm not an introvert.
growing up the only advantage i had over my siblings who are extroverts is when we were grounded they suffered the sitting quietly  in a room punishment as a form of torture, whereas i bring my book with me and would not get up until dragged away from it for meal times. i had only one best friend they had packs of friends, they loved going to family reunions, i hated it. etc so ... i guess each has its own advantages and each side would benefit from understanding the other.

Hiwot,

It's kinda weird in my case because every time I take the Briggs Myers test, it says I'm an extreme extrovert, but being alone/doing nothing is also a luxury (and I definitely prefer it over being in a crowded group). I'd rather sit alone and do crafts than shop or have family reunions. I guess my personality goes both ways; I do well in both environments. But if people who know me were to choose between the two, they would probably all say extrovert.

So I guess I'm naturally an extrovert, but prefer living an introvert life.

...Or I have an identity crisis! Wink

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« Reply #129 on: November 17, 2011, 10:36:11 AM »


I don't think it's helpful to reason along the lines of, "Person A said he does X because of Y; Jon does X, therefore it is perhaps because of Y". Your best chance for truly understanding Jon's behaviours is simply to talk to him...You will not work him out after one or even perhaps an hundred conversations on the relevant issues...but the more you work on developing a greater level of trust and comfort between you two as far as such issues are concerned, the greater chance you will have of truly understanding and dealing with them—a chance much greater at least than that offered by inferential reasoning from second-hand accounts of others.

Let me add one last point to give you some further insight into why I'm so adverse to the general discussion of "introverts" taking place in response to your want to deal with a specific individual:

If I was forced to put myself in either the introvert or extrovert category, I would probably place myself in the former. Yet, I read, for example, PeterTheAleut's first post on the first page of this thread as he speaks of what "we introverts" do and why we do it, and I sit here thinking, "Yes, I do that too...but NO that's not why I do that..." Or I read scamandrius' first post on the first page of this thread, and think to myself, "Yes, I tend to volunteer very little information too; but NO, it’s not because I have trust issues!" I could go on...but I think you get my point!

Good points above.
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« Reply #130 on: February 12, 2012, 02:39:29 PM »

Quiet: The Power of Introverts
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