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Author Topic: I am treated like a child  (Read 6212 times) Average Rating: 0
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« Reply #45 on: November 22, 2011, 08:00:00 PM »

No offense, but if you do not have a job, home or any way of transportation then you are still like a child. Your parents are letting you live at their house unemployed for free. They have a right to do what they want in their house if they are letting you stay there. If you're serious about this then try getting a job, becoming more mature and even offer to pay rent. Maybe then things will get better and they'll respect you more.

Are half the posters here just skimming the initial post and not reading the OPer's replies when rushing to judgement? Read reply #4 on this thread- the issues stem from a lot more than the poster's joblessness. Having rules about the house is one thing, telling your adult child that they might as well just accept the fact that they'll never be able to move out the house is quite a different story.
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« Reply #46 on: November 22, 2011, 08:07:28 PM »

The woman interviewing me at Target was so flustered because she couldn't spell the words "Philippines" or "Ukraine," when she was doing my interview.

Arrrrrgh.  I read this and vividly recalled some of my non-major students who aspire Bachelor's degrees in areas like Business or Family Studies/ Community Development etc., and who absolutely cannot read or write. It's them who will soon interview (or are already interviewing) job applicants...
Yeah, I mean, I'm no prize when it comes to competing with others in my field, who are obsessed 24/7 with foreign policy. But when it came to these retail, receptionist, whatever job interviews, anything I said would unnerve the interviewer so much. Several told me that they were intimidated by what I was saying because I sounded so "smart," which wasn't much of a consolation when they were unwilling to hire me.  Undecided What a lose-lose situation.

The less said in those interviews, on the applications, the better, I've learned.
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« Reply #47 on: November 22, 2011, 08:29:10 PM »

No offense, but if you do not have a job, home or any way of transportation then you are still like a child. Your parents are letting you live at their house unemployed for free. They have a right to do what they want in their house if they are letting you stay there. If you're serious about this then try getting a job, becoming more mature and even offer to pay rent. Maybe then things will get better and they'll respect you more.

Are half the posters here just skimming the initial post and not reading the OPer's replies when rushing to judgement? Read reply #4 on this thread- the issues stem from a lot more than the poster's joblessness. Having rules about the house is one thing, telling your adult child that they might as well just accept the fact that they'll never be able to move out the house is quite a different story.

Considering how he paraphrased his parents in the OP ("will start treating you like an adult when you act like one: get a job, a car, a home"), I think it might be as simple as getting a job, one's own place, and paying for one's own expenses. It's his parents' home, they're free to set whatever rules they like; if you don't like your parents' rules, you need to move out, it's as simple as that. As far as saying that they never think he'll be able to move out, that sounds like his parents exasperated about the situation as he is; it sounds like it was said out of frustration, not malice. If he finds a source of income, moves out, and starts supporting himself I'm sure the situation will change and the relationship will improve.
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« Reply #48 on: November 22, 2011, 08:43:15 PM »

No offense, but if you do not have a job, home or any way of transportation then you are still like a child. Your parents are letting you live at their house unemployed for free. They have a right to do what they want in their house if they are letting you stay there. If you're serious about this then try getting a job, becoming more mature and even offer to pay rent. Maybe then things will get better and they'll respect you more.

Are half the posters here just skimming the initial post and not reading the OPer's replies when rushing to judgement? Read reply #4 on this thread- the issues stem from a lot more than the poster's joblessness. Having rules about the house is one thing, telling your adult child that they might as well just accept the fact that they'll never be able to move out the house is quite a different story.

Considering how he paraphrased his parents in the OP ("will start treating you like an adult when you act like one: get a job, a car, a home"), I think it might be as simple as getting a job, one's own place, and paying for one's own expenses. It's his parents' home, they're free to set whatever rules they like; if you don't like your parents' rules, you need to move out, it's as simple as that. As far as saying that they never think he'll be able to move out, that sounds like his parents exasperated about the situation as he is; it sounds like it was said out of frustration, not malice. If he finds a source of income, moves out, and starts supporting himself I'm sure the situation will change and the relationship will improve.

I wasn't reading any malice in the "living at home the rest of his life" statement- I was reading a certain clinginess (given the context of the post). That said, by all means one certainly hopes the situation will improve once the poster has moved out, though if part of it a refusal of the parents to let go the relationship might be damaged for a few years after. Of course, that is no reason NOT to move out (or the worst reason), which I'm sure the OP will do just as soon as he has a job that will afford him the ability to do so.

In a way, he's showing a certain responsible humility already- at his age I would have rather been homeless than move back in with either one of my parents.
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« Reply #49 on: November 23, 2011, 05:37:24 AM »

This is an interesting thread. There are lots of conflicts like this in my family, since on one side we're somewhat too familiar (in terms of living in close proximity to one another) for our own good. I got out of it for a while when living in Oregon, but spent too much time back in California since I majorly injured myself back in February of this year (adding at least an extra 6 months onto my plans), which put me out of the job market pretty much for good. It was hard to move on in such a state, and it still is a daily struggle, but I somehow ended up a good three states to the east of anyone I know, and now when I come back to visit it is with an understanding that I will come and go as I please, and can handle myself just fine when push comes to shove. It just takes me a little longer now is all. Smiley

I think Heorhij's idea of school is a good one. No one in family is really of the book learnin' variety (I'm the first one to have graduated from an actual four year university on my father's side of the family), but my older brother managed to go to a technical school in Laramie, Wyoming when he was around the OP's age, got out in two years with a wife (now ex-wife...oops) and a pretty steady job selling auto parts. It wasn't quite what he wanted to do, so about 6 or 7 years ago he joined the family business (rock'n'roll) and is now a drum technician for one of those 70s/80s nostalgia acts, gets to travel the world (he's in Ireland for the next week or two) and is having the time of his life. And God bless him for it. I have done pretty much the exact opposite by going into academia, but it's what I want and I like the idea of not following in others' footsteps. I know it's gonna sound like an after school special or something, but even if your parents needle you about never leaving (my father did, and that was while I was in traction; it was a bit like living with Don Rickles or something), don't internalize it, and really keep your eyes on what you want do with your life. Because it is your life, not theirs, but to make it all happen it might behoove you to start thinking of autonomy as more than setting your own bedtime.

If your parents are anything like mine, they will start respecting you a lot more when you show that you can put your mind to some concrete, long-range goal and do everything you can to meet it (not that you have to have your whole life planned out at 22, but give some indication that you're really thinking about your future). And you'll probably start feeling a lot better about yourself, too. Good things will then follow, God willing.
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« Reply #50 on: November 23, 2011, 08:50:56 AM »

The idea consistently being put forth in this thread seems to be that the relation between parent and child is a contract: I give you shelter; you give me obedience (my house, my rules). That is rather disturbing. It seems to me that most Americans have ice-water running through their veins instead of blood.
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« Reply #51 on: November 23, 2011, 11:19:40 AM »

The idea consistently being put forth in this thread seems to be that the relation between parent and child is a contract: I give you shelter; you give me obedience (my house, my rules). That is rather disturbing. It seems to me that most Americans have ice-water running through their veins instead of blood.

How is it disturbing?  It's easier to convince someone through logic and pragmatism because it is easier to stomach.  If you want a moral answer - Honour thy father and thy mother.  That sums it up pretty well.  A child is commanded by God himself to obey his parents.  Nowhere is a parent ordered to give their child freedom.  Independence is earned, and it comes with immense responsibility.
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« Reply #52 on: November 23, 2011, 11:30:34 AM »

The idea consistently being put forth in this thread seems to be that the relation between parent and child is a contract: I give you shelter; you give me obedience (my house, my rules). That is rather disturbing. It seems to me that most Americans have ice-water running through their veins instead of blood.

How is it disturbing?  It's easier to convince someone through logic and pragmatism because it is easier to stomach.  If you want a moral answer - Honour thy father and thy mother.  That sums it up pretty well.  A child is commanded by God himself to obey his parents.  Nowhere is a parent ordered to give their child freedom.  Independence is earned, and it comes with immense responsibility.

Perhaps not "freedom". But it is ordered to "Provoke not thy children to wrath".
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« Reply #53 on: November 23, 2011, 04:41:53 PM »

If the OP were a guest in the house of a friend, we would all be appalled that he was being told when to go to bed: whether he was paying rent, owned a car, or not.

I respect the right of the owners of a house to set the rules of the house, but only subject to the ordinary rules of politeness and restraint.
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« Reply #54 on: November 23, 2011, 04:54:21 PM »

I'm not so sure that's true, Akimori. There are such things as house rules and the first rule of being a good guest is respecting them. If you can't do that, you're probably in the wrong house. It might be a good idea to discuss (tactfully) some of the problems both sides probably have with this arrangement, so as to reduce friction to a minimum ahead of the eventual move out (and it will happen, OP).
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« Reply #55 on: November 23, 2011, 06:26:53 PM »

I'm not so sure that's true, Akimori. There are such things as house rules and the first rule of being a good guest is respecting them. If you can't do that, you're probably in the wrong house. It might be a good idea to discuss (tactfully) some of the problems both sides probably have with this arrangement, so as to reduce friction to a minimum ahead of the eventual move out (and it will happen, OP).

Oh, c'mon! A mother browbeating her adult son, telling him he'll never leave home, not even allowing him the courtesy of knocking before she enters his room, dictating when he goes to bed, and proclaiming "she doesn't want to lose another child" ... These aren't "house rules", they're the straws clung to by an immature, clingy woman who can't cope with letting go of her "baby". This isn't normal maternal concern, this is emotional blackmail. This woman needs to grow up and realize that children do become adults, and will leave the nest.





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« Reply #56 on: November 23, 2011, 06:35:58 PM »

Agreed. I was thinking more of Akimori's specific example of bed times. Again, I would say that it seems like this is a bad environment and should be discussed before everyone drives each other to such extremes that it becomes impossible to deal with the situation. Something as simple as "Mom, I know you're saying/doing these things out of concern and love for me, but we need to talk about _____, because it's having some unintended consequences on my life that's making it hard for things to improve" could work, depending on their relationship. But it does seem like something's gotta give, for sure.
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« Reply #57 on: November 23, 2011, 07:25:08 PM »

Agreed. I was thinking more of Akimori's specific example of bed times. Again, I would say that it seems like this is a bad environment and should be discussed before everyone drives each other to such extremes that it becomes impossible to deal with the situation. Something as simple as "Mom, I know you're saying/doing these things out of concern and love for me, but we need to talk about _____, because it's having some unintended consequences on my life that's making it hard for things to improve" could work, depending on their relationship. But it does seem like something's gotta give, for sure.

Something's gotta give, all right, or the consequences could be dire. It takes tremendous guts for someone to break free from these parental strictures, especially if they've been indoctrinated that they will never do so. Sometimes, it takes a breakdown (or, something close to it) for the overprotective parent to see reason, if they ever do.

Someone I know very well had an over-protective mother. When this person, in their THIRTIES, who had never has any romantic relationships, and who, as a teenager, had never dared to rebel against maternal authority, met someone who was a possible "match" (they did eventually marry), a curfew of 10.30pm was put on the "child" re their outings. Even after marriage, the mother frequently intruded in various ways. On how to run the household. On having children. Etc. To the point that her child had a breakdown, including the loss of employment, which cannot be regained. The marriage is still intact, but only just, due to the generosity of spirit of the spouse.
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« Reply #58 on: November 23, 2011, 09:37:04 PM »

I'm not so sure that's true, Akimori. There are such things as house rules and the first rule of being a good guest is respecting them. If you can't do that, you're probably in the wrong house. It might be a good idea to discuss (tactfully) some of the problems both sides probably have with this arrangement, so as to reduce friction to a minimum ahead of the eventual move out (and it will happen, OP).

Oh, c'mon! A mother browbeating her adult son, telling him he'll never leave home, not even allowing him the courtesy of knocking before she enters his room, dictating when he goes to bed, and proclaiming "she doesn't want to lose another child" ... These aren't "house rules", they're the straws clung to by an immature, clingy woman who can't cope with letting go of her "baby". This isn't normal maternal concern, this is emotional blackmail. This woman needs to grow up and realize that children do become adults, and will leave the nest.

Obviously he's OK with all this baggage or he would have left, he is a 22 year old man after all. It's not fair to criticize his mother for being who she is in her own house, now if she was going over to his house and treating him like that, I'd suggest he show her the door and lock it behind her. But he's staying in their house and the bottom line is that you don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
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