Author Topic: Doubt and despair  (Read 1509 times)

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Online Schultz

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Doubt and despair
« on: July 30, 2004, 01:50:07 PM »
My dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

As many of you know, I'm on the brink of proposing to my girlfriend.  However, due to problems with my prospective in-laws, doubt about our relationship has entered into my head.  Basically, her mother doesn't like the way we're going about getting engaged and has now all but blocked me doing the right thing and asking her father for his blessing.  I'm not doing things her way so there is no way.  I've found myself questioning as to whether or not I can put up with this for hte rest of my life.  I lost my temper and yelled at her mother this afternoon on the phone.  While I said things that needed to be said, I went about it in the wrong way (the yelling) and now feel the need to apologize.  I am, however, very wary of doing just that.  And because of that apprehension, I ask myself again, "Can I put up with this?".  I've always told myself yes, because I love Miranda, but I really don't know if I can handle the mother-in-law.

PLEASE pray for me.

Schultz.
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Offline Jakub

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Re:Doubt and despair
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2004, 01:58:35 PM »
Prayers that the Lord will guide you both.

james
« Last Edit: July 30, 2004, 02:00:46 PM by Jakub »
An old timer is a man who's had a lot of interesting experiences -- some of them true.

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Offline Donna Rose

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Re:Doubt and despair
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2004, 03:38:43 PM »
Prayers...and it sounds like you are handling things the as best as you can. I would continue to pursue asking the father for his blessing, and maybe apologizing to the mother may be a good idea too (but be specific about what you are apologizing for: not for WHAT you said but HOW you said it, and don't let her bully you, yet make sure your apology is sincere). I don't know the details about how you are proposing versus how the mother in law wanted the engagement to happen, but maybe a reasonable explanation as to why you are doing it your way might do some good as well? Confide in the mother - she may appreciate it and be more forgiving and let you do your thing. Mothers have a tendency to like to be informed, and if they aren't, they get more controlling to compensate (and this always originates from a place of love for their child). So maybe a heartfelt, sincere, humble entreaty to her mother regarding your feelings about both Miranda and how you plan to handle the whole thing, might help your relationship with her mother and make for smoother sailing when you actually propose.

As for putting up with your girlfriend's mother for the rest of your life...try to imagine yourself marrying someone other than Miranda...can you? My guess is no, you can't. I am by no means an expert, but if Scripture is any clue as to how a healthy marriage should function, I believe once you two are joined as one, the idea is that you have both LEFT your parents (symbolically), so if it helps, let the promise of that separation from parents and joining with one another fortify you against your current doubt and, well, go for it! :)
hmmmm...

Offline Mor Ephrem

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Re:Doubt and despair
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2004, 06:51:08 PM »
Prayers...and good luck!  :)
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Offline Fr. David

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Re:Doubt and despair
« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2004, 11:33:00 PM »
Prayers....
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Offline shanmo9

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Re:Doubt and despair
« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2004, 11:48:52 AM »
I have prayed for your peace and wisdom for you from God.

John
Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me a sinner!

Offline spartacus

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Re:Doubt and despair
« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2004, 03:42:05 PM »
I am, however, very wary of doing just that.  And because of that apprehension, I ask myself again, "Can I put up with this?".  I've always told myself yes, because I love Miranda, but I really don't know if I can handle the mother-in-law.

PLEASE pray for me.

Schultz.

You will be in my prayers,

I also hope you will forgive me for offering advice when you did not ask...but I have a lot of experience with in-laws.

1.) You do not marry a person but rather a family. If you are not comfortable (or even tolerable and polite) with Miranda's family, then your marriage is in trouble before it begins. Some tension and discord is normal -- perhaps even healthy....but when the negatives overwhelm the positive you need to be very careful.

2.) If Miranda is very close to her mother you need to decide if your relationship will survive her mother's presence (spiritual and/or physical). More than one marriage has crumbled due to a child not being able to break away from his/her parent(s) to make a life with his/her spouse. Has Miranda broken away yet? Do you think she will or are you only hoping she will?

3.) If Miranda is willing to or has already "cut the apron strings" so to say...if she views her mother much the way you do, then it will be much easier. If she has not. I would siggest you postpone any marriage plans until she does. Miranda must choose and make concrete steps demonstarting she is serious about wanting to make a life with you. Words alone are not enough. You must be confident she won't be going home to mama's after you two have your first nasty fight as man and wife.

4.) In-laws are usually difficult to deal with. That is why there are so many "in-law" jokes. Remember Miranda is their little girl. Perhaps in their eyes no man is good enough for her? Always try to imagine yourself in their position whenever you deal with them.

5.) Rarely do people change after a marriage has taken place. Many women mistakenly believe they can change a man with their love. Many people mistakenly believe "that will all change once we are married." Don't believe it. Do not make huge life decisions based on hopes and prayers that others will have a change of heart.

For what it is worth, I strongly believe that most people can find a suitable spouse from among say 20-30 members of the opposite sex. Compatability is important -- but what is more important is committment. You must be confident Miranda will be as committed to the marriage as you will be. And that committment must be absolute.