I hate to double post, butÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¡ I found this really funny story on-line trashing the EU.ÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¡ It was written by some guy posting under the name of Darth_Holliday.ÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¡ Very funny to Star Wars fans.ÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¡ For everyone else, more proof that I am a Star Wars geek!ÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¡ Enjoy!
And now an Episode II scene for all the people who love the EU (Exploited Universe):
Obi-wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker stand back-to-back fending off an army of stormtroopers, Mandalorians, and bounty hunters.
A ship drops out of the sky and lands on the battlefield, squashing the bad guys. Out step Grand Admiral Thrawn, Jorus C'boath, Prince Xizor, Dash Rendar, Garm Bel Iblis, Kyle Katarn, Mara Jade, a dozen cloned Emperors, a gaggle of Solo-babies, hundreds of Noghri, and a ysalamiri in a pear tree.
Obi-wan: Who are you people?
Thrawn: Well...that's a very long, boring, convoluted......
Xizor: ...and crappy, don't forget crappy!
Thrawn: ...yes, and crappy, story.
Anakin: Why are you here?
Thrawn: Because fanboys wanna see us. Aren't we cool?
Xizor: Not even a little bit?
Obi-wan: Not even a little bit.
Thrawn: But, but, but........ZAHN RULES!!!! Besides, we brought you a delivery: some spaarti cylinders.
Anakin: Some what?
Thrawn: You know, spaarti cylinders. They're used to make clones.
Anakin: No they're not.
Jorus C'Boath: But you can imagine what it would be like if they were. Right?
Anakin: No. This is the Clone Wars. Don't you think we'd know about these things?
Thrawn: The CLONE WARS!!!!! But, that's supposed to happen when you're four years old. You don't look four to me.
Anakin: Good point. Why don't you guys go back to Bpfassh, Myrkyr, Bakura, Shaba-daba-doobie-doobie-doo, or whatever crappy planet you come from?
Thrawn: How dare you! Feel the wrath of my ysalamiri! It blocks out Force powers, you know.
Anakin: I feel fine. How 'bout you Obi-wan?
Obi-wan: I feel fine, too. Whoever told you guys that a lizard could block out the Force?
Mara Jade: Don't you at least like our ship? It's a Dreadnaught, you know.
Obi-wan: Looks like a real POS to me. You sure that's a real starship?
Thrawn: Not really, no. But I'm told they used to be all the rage in the galaxy during the Clone Wars.
Obi-wan: Do you see any 'Dreadnaughts' around here?
Thrawn: No....Come to think of it, I don't see any Z-95 Headhunters either.
Anakin: Thank the Force I don't have to pilot something called a 'Z-95 Headhunter'.
Xizor: Come on, give us a chance. Trust me, it all 'fits together' somehow. You just have to use a little 'imagination'.
Obi-wan: I sense a disturbance in the Force.
Anakin: I have a bad feeling about this.....
INT. Palpatine's apartment.
PALPATINE stands near the window, staring out into the dazzling lights of the Coruscant nightlife. Next to him stands the new Sith Apprentice, DARTH ZAHNDERSON.
PALPATINE: We must do something about that pesky Jedi Obi-wan Kenobi and his plucky sidekick Anakin.
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: And that little Whill buddy of theirs, too. Right Palps?
PALPATINE: That little what?
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Whill....you know, Master Yoda.
PALPATINE: Right.........'whill'.........anyway, we must do something about them.
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Something...............evil?
PALPATINE: Yeah, something evil. You got a problem with that?
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Well, we do something evil every night Palpy.........
PALPATINE: (glaring menacingly) grrrrrrr.......
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Okay, okay....evil it is. Your the boss Palpy. Anyway, I've hired some new help for you, sir.
PALPATINE: You mean, like an intern?
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Sort of.....
In walks MARA JADE. She almost trips over Palpatine's coffee table, but manages to steady herself by grabbing onto his robe.
PALPATINE: Who is this?
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Her name is Mara. She's gonna be your 'Emperor's Hand'. Pretty nifty, eh Palps?
Palpatine lifts his hands up, examining them carefully.
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: No, not that kind of hand. She'll be like your special servant--running your errands, doing your bidding, washing your laundry, etc.
PALPATINE: Isn't that your job?
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Let's talk about something else........ahhhhhh, one moment please.
Darth Zahnderson leaves the room, reentering alongside a freshly-cloned Emperor Palpatine.
?? What's the meaning of this?
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: It's a clone....of you. You can never have enough clones.
PALPATINE: He is kinda cute. What should we call him.
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: I was thinking.....Paalpatine.
PALPATINE: That's my name!
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: No, it only sounds exactly the same. It's actually spelled with two 'a's.
PALPATINE: How creative.
In walks another cloned Emperor....
PALPATINE: And what should we call this one?
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Palpaatine.
In walk two additional clones.
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Allow me to introduce you to Palpatiine and Ppaaaallllppaaaaaattttttiiiiinnnee.
PALPATINE: Good lord.
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Okay, so which clone would you like to use for the Soul-Transfer.
PALPATINE: The what?
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: You know, the soul-transfer. Where you transfer your soul from that decaying body of yours into a fresh clone.
PALPATINE: First of all, my body is not decaying. Second of all, you've obviously been reading way too many comic-books, Zahnderson.
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: I can't help myself....
PALPATINE: Where did you learn about all this 'soul transfer' mumbo-jumbo'?
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: The teachings of the great Sith Lord, Exar-Kun.
PALPATINE: There's never been a Sith Lord named 'Exar-Kun'. He doesn't even have the word 'Darth' in his name. That 'Darth' thing is the first thing they teach you at Sith school. Haven't you learned anything from me, Zahnderson?
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: I have a short attention span. Well maybe you'll like this clone better...
In walks a tiny cloned Mini-Palp.
PALPATINE: What is the meaning of this!? Are you trying to mock me?!
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: I thought it would be funny...
PALPATINE: Oh, brother......
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Oh...I almost forgot....I bought some ysalamiri for you.
PALPATINE: Some what?
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Ysalamiri....you know, they block out the Force.
PALPATINE: Will you fall for anything? Where did you get the money for those?
DARTH ZAHNDERSON: Well....I...kinda....spent my allowance...
PALPATINE: I gave you that money to buy a new double-bladed lightsaber!!!!!! You spent it on some furry lizzards!!!!! You know they don't let me have pets in this building!!!!! That's it!!!!
Palpatine sends a jolt of Force lightning into Darth Zahnderson, knocking him right through the window, off the balcony, and into oncoming traffic.
He turns to survey the room. He sees the four 'Palpaclones' running around in circles, bumping heads. Mara Jade is mesmerized by a piece of fragile pottery in the corner. She reaches out to touch it with her hand, knocking it over in the process.
PALPATINE: I have a bad feeling about this.....
EU-pisode II--"Chapter 3: Enter the Fett"
Anakin Skywalker and Obi-wan Kenobi are taking a little stroll through the vast deserts of Tatooine. They've taken a break from the Clone Wars, and Anakin has brought Obi-wan back to take a tour of his home planet, show him the best tourist-sites, etc. They've stopped in front of the sarlaac pit.....
ANAKIN: ......and this is a sarlaac pit. I'll never foget the time when that red-headed punk called me 'bug-squat'. Me and Kitster snuck out later that night, kidnapped him, and threw him into the pit. I could hear his girly screamin' until the thing chomped down on his little body.........Good Times........
OBI-WAN: Anakin!!!!!!!!!! Too much info!!!!
Suddenly an uber-cool looking being dressed in Mandalorian combat armor, brandishing a blaster, leaps up from his hiding place in the sands near the pit,.
ANAKIN AND OBI-WAN: Who are you?!?!?!?!
BOBA FETT: My name is Boba Fett. You killed my father, prepare to die.......I'm a Mandalorian, you know.
OBI-WAN: Excuse me, I didn't catch that last part. Did you say you were a "Delorian Man"?
BOBA FETT: NO. The term was Man-Da-Lor-I-An. They were a group of warriors who fought the Jedi during the Clone Wars. Duh!
ANAKIN: I think you must be mistaken. I've never heard that term before in my life.
BOBA FETT: You've insulted me for the last time. Prepare to die, or my name isn't Jaster Mereel, d'oh I mean, Boba Fett!!!!!
Anakin and Obi-wan fall to the ground in hysterical laughter. Finally, Obi-wan manages to get back up to his feet.
OBI-WAN: Please don't shoot............JASTER!!! (fighting back tears of laughter). Are you sure that's your real name?
BOBA FETT: Not really, no. But I've been told....
ANAKIN: Sounds like you've been told a lot of things, son. Do you believe everything you're told?
BOBA FETT: That's it!!!! Disintegration time!!!!!
Boba prepares to fire his blaster, but Obi-wan uses a quick Force push to knock him into the Sarlaac. He falls in with a girlish scream.
ANAKIN: Well, that's the end of that guy. Now, what were we talking about? Oh yeah....anyway, one time me and Kitster brought the girls out here for some.........
His story is halted, as Boba Fett leaps up out of the pit and lands on his feet.
ANAKIN AND OBI-WAN:
BOBA FETT: The Sarlaac found me 'somewhat indegestible', boys.
OBI-WAN: Excuse me?
BOBA FETT: You know, indegestible. It's like when you eat something that's......
OBI-WAN: I know what the word means. Shouldn't you be dead?
BOBA FETT: Hmmmmm....you'd think so, but well, I guess not. Prepare to die!
He fires a shot at the two Jedi with his blaster. Thinking quickly, Anakin deflects the blaster bolt with his lightsaber, redirecting it squarely into Boba's chest. It burns right through him, leaving him dead in the sand.
ANAKIN: So as I was saying.....
Boba Fett jumps back up to his feet.
BOBA FETT: The blaster bolt found me 'somewhat impenetrable'.
Obi-wan slices Boba Fett in half with his saber. The two halves join back together, and Boba Fett gets back on his feet.
BOBA FETT: The lightsaber found me 'somewhat un-sliceable'.
Anakin grabs a nearby thermal detonator, lobbing it at Fett and blowing him into bits. The bits float back to the ground, reforming into, you guessed it....Boba Fett.
BOBA FETT: The thermal detonator found me somewhat........ummm........'un-blow-up-able'.
ANAKIN: This guy just won't die! Can you explain it Obi-wan?
OBI-WAN: He's just too damn cool, I guess.
Obi-wan falls to his knees in prayer...
OBI-WAN: Oh great and powerful Force, please send us someone powerful enough to defeat Jast...ummm, I mean Boba Fett.
Suddenly a weird portal opens up in the clear desert sky above Tattooine. A strange-looking silver pod falls to the ground. It opens up, revealing a plethora of bratty-looking children.
ANAKIN AND OBI-WAN:
MYSTERIOUS CHILDREN: We're the Solo kids. We've been sent back through time to help you (You know it's only a matter of time before an EU hack author goes there!!!)ÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¡
OBI-WAN: How can YOU help US?
SOLO KIDS: Well, we're younger and more unexperienced than anyone else, we're incredibly annoying, and we get kidnapped on a daily basis, yet we somehow manage to implausibly solve every single problem that the grown-ups have in the most incredibly stupid, unlikely fashion imaginable.
ANAKIN: Oh, I get it....sort of like Wesley Crusher....
SOLO KIDS: Just listen to our song: "Solo baaaabies, they make your dreams come true! Solo baaaabies, they...."
OBI-WAN: THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!!!!
BOBA FETT: Helllooooo.....bad guy with blaster over here.........
OBI-WAN: Okay, Solo Babies, do whatever it is you're going to do....
The Solo Babies form a circle around Boba Fett, holding hands. Their tummies begin to glow, ala Care Bears, as they chant softly now..."Solo baaaabies..."
The Solo Babies are using the power of 'luminous beings' to defeat Boba Fett. The overall utter 'pathetic crappiness' factor of this tactic causes Fett's head to explode, killing him for real this time.
OBI-WAN: Well, we got rid of Fett, but now we're stuck with these kids...
ANAKIN: And you thought Jar-Jar was annoying....
OBI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this....