Share your liturgical mishap stories here!

[elephant]

Last Sunday the Gospel reading was about the man with the epileptic son, and we heard: "Jesus rebuked him, and the demon came out of him, and the boy was cursed -- cured instantly"  Father didn't flinch, he just kept reading, may God bless him!

[Michał Kalina]

Neither liturgical, nor mine:

After a meal for funeral guests at my father's homevillage two old men said goodbye to each other with "Let's hope we will reach this feast next year".

[Basil 320]

Oh yes, that does happen too.

I also enjoy the long version of Eis Polla sung at the Dismissal. We sing it in Greek for some reason, but no one knows the words, so it's mostly mumbling until we get to the Eis Polla part at the end.

"Ton Despotin, ke Archierea imon, Kyrie philate, Eis Pola Eti."

"Our Master, and Archierarch,  Lord protect him, Many Years." 

The liturgical language of the Church of Antioch was Greek until the beginning of the 20th century.  The Church of Russia advocated for the Antiochian Church in this regard, so that Arabic, vernacular of the region, would be their liturgical language, too.  The Russian Churches retain the Greek too as a remnant of the Byzantine Greek clergy who Christianized Ukraine and Russia.  While the liturgical language of the church was Slavonic, the Rusin faithful greeted their bishops in the language of their early hierarchs.

[ilyazhito]

Where did the "DESPOTA" go? Is the bishop  no longer Master?
In my cathedral, the choir director sung "Most blessed Master,bless" after Jonah had left. We should not be singing it until we get a new metropolitan,eh?

[PeterTheAleut]

We've had not one, but two of our Epistle readers on separate occasions announce the Alleluia of the Epistle "in the Ninth Tone" (in reference to a special Moscow Chant Alleluia that we sing on feast days, a musical setting that stands outside of the usual 8 tones).

This past Sunday, one of our Epistle readers, an older tonsured reader, no less, topped this one by a large margin. Though technically incorrect, since he should announce only the tone, he likes to announce the Prokeimenon with both a reference to the tone and the Psalm it quotes--e.g., "The Prokeimenon in the 5th Tone from Psalm 28". This time he got a little mixed up and announced the Prokeimenon this way: "The Prokeimenon in the 28th Tone". It was a struggle for me to sing the choir response without letting little chuckles of laughter interrupt my singing. (Hey, the Octoechos has another 20 tones I've never heard of! I've got a lot of catching up to do in my liturgical studies!)

[Agabus]

Hyperdox Herman reminded me of this one:

During a baptism, when the priest gave the command to demonstrate the renunciation of Satan using the words, "...Then spit upon him!", the sponsor of the man being baptized turned spat on him.

[Michał Kalina]

Not liturgical and not mine:

One of the parishioners during coffee hour:
- During our lat trip to Kenya I've noticed that bright plain vestments without any ornaments looks extremely beautiful, especially on black priests.
The priest:
- We can think about buying new vestments but unfortunately I cannot do anything about my skin colour.

[Wilma]

 The table fell forward and the chalice went flying.

What do they do when something like this happens? How are they supposed to clean the Blood? I know that if the Body falls one can pick it up and consume it anyways.

Quoting tags editted - nothing more - MK.

[Michał Kalina]

I was told that when it's a carpet or parquet, one should cut out that place and burn it. When it's stone or ceramic one should pour there something flammable and bur it.

[sheenj]

 The table fell forward and the chalice went flying.

What do they do when something like this happens? How are they supposed to clean the Blood? I know that if the Body falls one can pick it up and consume it anyways.

Quoting tags editted - nothing more - MK.

I think if possible, the priest is supposed to lick it up. Anything the Blood comes in contact with should probably be burned as well.

[Mister Jim Dude]

I'm told that one priest, during his Theophany sermon, said "Christ was baptised in the john by Jordan". Hard to beat, if it's true. 

that is hilarious !

[Maximum Bob]

Thought this would be the place to share this.

It happened today during the Liturgy for the Exaltation of the Holy Cross. First the as the procession of the cross began there was some confusion in the section were we were standing as to what to do. The lead sub-deacon who walks backward doing the censing for the procession swings the censer, looks over his shoulder to check his movement censes again and repeats. So today the procession starts he censes looks over his shoulder sees the lot of us still standing there gets a frown on his face, turns back censes again, turns back over his shoulder and hisses "kneel". Everyone kind of collectively jumps then we all hit the floor.

A little later and more personally I discovered, as I was on my way down to make a prostration during one of the songs where we do that, that my six year old had been squirming a bit too much against the front of my shirt and had gotten her braid tangled on one of my buttons. I got down and her little head yanked sideways and I hear a quite "ow", "ow", "ouch". Everyone else got up I stayed on the floor untangling hair from my button.

[Michał Kalina]

A little later and more personally I discovered, as I was on my way down to make a prostration during one of the songs where we do that, that my six year old had been squirming a bit too much against the front of my shirt and had gotten her braid tangled on one of my buttons. I got down and her little head yanked sideways and I hear a quite "ow", "ow", "ouch". Everyone else got up I stayed on the floor untangling hair from my button.

Ouch.

[biro]

Not exactly a mishap, but a good story: during the Great Entrance, I usually cross myself and look down, and as the procession went past me, I noticed somebody different. One of the deacon's little kids had decided now was the time to take the cross that he'd brought with him for Holy Cross day, and follow everybody who was walking with his Dad. The kid is maybe two at most. Just cute as a button. Nothing went wrong, the procession finished without mishaps, and pretty much everybody was smiling when it was over. 

[FatherGiryus]

I had one yesterday: our altar arrangement from years past included a rack holding all of the processional items in the High Place, which was mounted in such a way that the bottom of the rack was about 30" above the floor (ostensibly so that the people in the pews could 'see them' when seated, but that's another story).  It was almost impossible for the standard-issue altarboy to get the candles and fans down without a disaster, and in the intervening 15 years many an altarboy had been 'wounded' by candlewax or getting whacked with a fan, since the rack required the altarboy to hand-over-hand elevate these 3' long poles up into the air to get them into the rack.  So, the subdeacons and adults invariably have to step in, which makes every procession and entrance a distracting 'cluster'.

Having put up with this for more than six years, I finally got the nerve up to tear down the rack and make new holders, putting the candles in very easy-to-use rests that leave the candles right at the same level one would normally hold them.  One simply grabs the candle and lifts 1" and the candle comes out of the new sconce and requires no further hand positioning or precarious maneuvers.  The altar servers love the new arrangement, and things have been going much smoother.

Until one of the boys, who's family comes very irregularly, shows up this Sunday.  He apparently had no problem removing the candle, but entirely forgot how he did it by the end of the Little Entrance.  I'm saying the prayers when I noticed that he had moved his hands down to very bottom end of the candle (it is about the length of a yard stick), with the glass end waiving about up above his head by about three feet.  He was trying to balance the end of the candle on the top of the holder rather than just sliding it from the front the way he had pulled it out. 

I whispered.  The other servers were busy putting their gear away, and most of the adults are deaf and refuse to wear their hearing aids (there's a whole series of stories I could write on that).  I shouted, which startled the people in the church, but I was worried he was going to let go and have the giant brass and glass candle come down on his (or someone else's) head.  He ignored me and continued to try to balance the candle on the top of the sconce.  Then I started clapping and shouting.  Just as I was about to leave my place, he turned around and gave me this look like, "Hey, why are you making that racket? Don't you know this is a liturgy?"  The adults, I think somewhat embarrassed by their missing out on what had happened, then went further into their Sgt. Schultz ("I zee nothing!") imitations and become motionless. 

I walked over to the altarboy and inserted the candle into the sconce. "See, now you do it."  He pulled it out, then began to hand-under-hand it back up into the air to try to balance it again!  I grabbed the candle, "No, like this."  It took three attempts before he could get the idea that the candle went straight from his hands right into the bracket, no up or down action required.  He looked absolutely puzzled and spent the rest of the service staring at his nemesis.

After the service, one of the parishioners asked me, "What was going on up there?"  I wanted to say, 'suicide prevention.'  Instead, I said, "Just trying to help one of the boys out."

[Michał Kalina]

Not mine, but I hope the source will not be offended I post it here:

A bishop goes to receive an entire community ithe Church, and they become their own parish. They have never served a Liturgy before on their own, so the bishop has to guide them through the first service (the pastor was chrismated and ordained the same day to the diaconate, then priest the next day). After the Liturgy, the bishop goes into the altar to unvest.

Two men, 'subdeacons,' are helping. After removing his omofor and other items, it comes time for the sakkos. The bishop extends his arms out from his sides and says, "buttons."

The two men look at each other, not knowing what to do. he says again, "Buttons!" The bishop wanted the men to unbutton the sakkos. They were still confused. Then they thought, "What do Orthodox people do?"

One man on either side, they each grabbed the side hem of the sakkos and began to kiss the buttons, one at a time!

[Putnik Namernik]

Parishioners crossing themselves in front of the chalice (about 10 cm from it) prior to and after receiving the Eucharist almost ended with spilling...so close to a complete disaster. Priest was not happy at all.

[arimethea]

This thread was created to share your funny mishaps, not to bring scandal to one another. Mistakes happen, and sometime we do not see everything. Do not pile on any of these comments.

-Arimethea
Liturgy Section Moderator

[davinpa]

I remember once during a procession, a little kid was asked to carry the cross. But then the cross was to heavy, and he lost balance. The base of the cross then hit a guy at his crotch. And he was getting married the next day.

[davinpa]

Too heavy, sorry I don't know how to edit a post from my blackberry.

[Michał Kalina]

Not mine and not liturgical:

My uncle wanted to have his new car blessed. He asked some priest to do so (he is a deacon himself so it wasn't much of a problem). The priest opened the euchologion on the wrong page, on the rite of blessing the house, not the car. No one noticed until he reached the part "let it not move from the site".

[ZealousZeal]

Not mine and not liturgical:

My uncle wanted to have his new car blessed. He asked some priest to do so (he is a deacon himself so it wasn't much of a problem). The priest opened the euchologion on the wrong page, on the rite of blessing the house, not the car. No one noticed until he reached the part "let it not move from the site".

LOL that's awesome.

[Mor Ephrem]

Not mine and not liturgical:

My uncle wanted to have his new car blessed. He asked some priest to do so (he is a deacon himself so it wasn't much of a problem). The priest opened the euchologion on the wrong page, on the rite of blessing the house, not the car. No one noticed until he reached the part "let it not move from the site".

I have a similar story. 

I was serving with a priest one Sunday, and a parishioner brought his car to be blessed.  Rather than have it blessed after Liturgy, he insisted the car be blessed before, and the priest obliged.  We don't have a rite for blessing vehicles (it exists in Syriac, but is not much used in India for that reason), so the priest did something I've never seen before.  He served the full rite for blessing a house, but switched "car" or "vehicle" for "house" or "dwelling".  For the most part, it was odd but barely acceptable, until we got to the gospel:

Luke 19

Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. 2 And there was a man named Zacchae′us; he was a chief tax collector, and rich. 3 And he sought to see who Jesus was, but could not, on account of the crowd, because he was small of stature. 4 So he ran on ahead and climbed up into a sycamore tree to see him, for he was to pass that way. 5 And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchae′us, make haste and come down; for I must stay at your house ride in your car today.” 6 So he made haste and came down, and received him joyfully. 7 And when they saw it they all murmured, “He has gone in to be the guest of a man who is a sinner.” 8 And Zacchae′us stood and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor; and if I have defrauded any one of anything, I restore it fourfold.” 9 And Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house vehicle, since he also is a son of Abraham. 10 For the Son of man came to seek and to save the lost.”

I had to excuse myself in order to finish laughing before Matins. 

[Michał Kalina]

You won.

[Romaios]

Luke 19:9 And Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house vehicle, since he also is a son of Abraham.

I had to excuse myself in order to finish laughing before Matins. 

This would've worked well with the Romanian RC translation of this verse.

We've got two words for "salvation": mântuire - the traditional term that the Orthodox use, and salvare - a neologism. Latinizers always prefer the latter, as they reject most of our Slavic/non-Latin linguistic heritage. The only trouble is that salvare can also mean "ambulance", so the first thing most Romanians think of when they hear this passage translated that way is: "Today the ambulance has come to this house"...

[ilyazhito]

Totally funny! I just hope that no one sets fire to themselves, trips over people r walks through the royal doors again.

[Mor Ephrem]

Totally funny! I just hope that no one sets fire to themselves...

I've seen this happen too! 

[PeterTheAleut]

Totally funny! I just hope that no one sets fire to themselves...

I've seen this happen too! 

I have heard of the old priest who got a lit candle too close to his face and caught his beard on fire.

[dzheremi]

Totally funny! I just hope that no one sets fire to themselves...

I've seen this happen too! 

I have heard of the old priest who got a lit candle too close to his face and caught his beard on fire.

Hmm...I always took "If you will it, you can become all flame" to be more of an encouraging word than a warning, but maybe not...

[sheenj]

Totally funny! I just hope that no one sets fire to themselves...

I've seen this happen too! 

I have heard of the old priest who got a lit candle too close to his face and caught his beard on fire.

I've had something like this happen to me once, but it was with a candle that fell off its stand and onto my face. Scariest second of my life.

[Mor Ephrem]

Totally funny! I just hope that no one sets fire to themselves...

I've seen this happen too! 

I have heard of the old priest who got a lit candle too close to his face and caught his beard on fire.

My story involves a careless thurifer who, while holding a lit candle, managed to set his hair on fire without noticing anything wrong...until a man ran up to him and started to beat him over the head with the Liturgy book in order to put out the flames. 

[TheMathematician]

Having times where we are supposed to be holding lit candles in church is always fun, seeing as i always manage to burn myself with hot wax.

[PeterTheAleut]

Having times where we are supposed to be holding lit candles in church is always fun, seeing as i always manage to burn myself with hot wax.

That's why you need a drip guard.

[Mor Ephrem]

Having times where we are supposed to be holding lit candles in church is always fun, seeing as i always manage to burn myself with hot wax.

That's why you need a drip guard.

Wusses. 

[LBK]

Having times where we are supposed to be holding lit candles in church is always fun, seeing as i always manage to burn myself with hot wax.

That's why you need a drip guard.

Wusses. 

Seconded. 

[TheMathematician]

Having times where we are supposed to be holding lit candles in church is always fun, seeing as i always manage to burn myself with hot wax.

That's why you need a drip guard.

Wusses. 

Seconded. 

My problem isn't that we dont have drip guards, rather I burn myself in spite of them because im afraid of burning the guard, aka dixie cup. which i did at my baptism,  haha
  :-P

[biro]

Every Pascha for the past three years, I have burned myself with the candle, despite the paper guard thing. 

[Gamliel]

^ I did that last Pascha also.

[IoanC]

The priest was a lunatic.

[LizaSymonenko]

OK...so, I finally have a Liturgical mishap story.

This weekend our Metropolitan and Bishop were visiting.

So, it was a rather busy and exciting weekend.  One of my jobs is to capture the event with photos.

I seriously took hundreds of photos.  Of course, only a hundred or so, are good, with eyes open, etc.

So, Sunday morning, as Liturgy was beginning and the bishops were standing in the center of the nave....I had to get the perfect photo of them...So, I maneuvered behind the tetrapod,



....below the cross, over from the flowers....and over just a bit.....just a bit more....just a bit more.....OUCH!  I realized I had set myself on fire!  Yup.  I totally forgot the candle stand...and set myself ablaze.  I only realized, when I felt pain in my arm....at which point I quickly snapped the photo and reached to pat out the flames.     It was a new outfit, special for our Patronal Feast Day celebrations....and now....it's gone.  I wore it for all of a couple hours.

Here is the photo.



  I wonder if the bishop noticed.

[Adela]

Wow, Liza, Thank God you were not burnt further.  Well, just say you have suffered for your art....  Great photographs, as always!

[Mor Ephrem]

You took the photo before putting yourself out?  That's dedication!

[LizaSymonenko]

You took the photo before putting yourself out?  That's dedication!

LOL!  I know, right?!?

[Romaios]

The hierarch in blue is either enraptured in deep contemplation or he noticed what happened and thought to himself: "Oh my God, look what she did to herself!"  

[Asteriktos]

The one on the left is thinking: "I feel conflicted. I should probably warn her. But on the other hand bishops need to have good stories to tell, so maybe I should wait to see how this plays out..."

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