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Author Topic: Share your liturgical mishap stories here!  (Read 24814 times) Average Rating: 0
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« Reply #45 on: July 26, 2011, 02:08:01 PM »

There's a story of one Roman Catholic bishop blessing the oil on Holy Thursday.  At one point the rubrics call for him to breathe on the oil.  Now as his was breathing on the oil, his false teeth fell into the oil.  He said an expletive deleted which was broadcast throughout his cathedral, as he was wearing a wireless microphones.  After hearing that story I promised myself I would never wear a wireless mic...lol

Again,while in the Franciscans, we had a charismatic seminarian.  Well, one Sunday the celebrating priest just kept going on and on with his sermon.  Most of us were beginning to fall asleep, when this seminarian stood up and yelled "ALLELUIA!"  Well, there was dead silence, and then we all broke out laughing.  The poor long-winded priest got so confused, he ended his sermon on the spot.  That was the talk of the seminary for a very long time.

Once a deacon was intoning a litany and his voice went falsetto.  The choir froze as there was no way they could sing that high.  Finally everyone broke up laughing.
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« Reply #46 on: July 26, 2011, 02:40:29 PM »

When I was at Vlad's, the story was attributed to Fr. Paul Lazor's son


It was Fr. Alexander Schmemann's sons who did that.   
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« Reply #47 on: July 26, 2011, 02:56:48 PM »

A certain priest I knew was born in Russia and was not a native English speaker.  When he was still a deacon in the late 50s, the transition to English was in its infancy.  The first time he had to say "In peace let us pray to the Lord," let's just say ea in "peace" sounded more like an i.  That was rather quickly corrected. Smiley

I also heard a story from the same era about a reader in a Slavonic-serving parish that got out to the center of the church to read the Epistle, and realized he had forgotten what he was supposed to read.  So he improvised a dialogue with the celebrant on the spot, asking something like "I am sorry, which page am I supposed to read?" The priest chanted back "Turn to page (whatever it was)," and so it was.
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« Reply #48 on: July 26, 2011, 03:09:34 PM »

In the large monastery a senior Archbishop was serving. We Russsian nuns wear a circular-type veil covering the whole head and shoulders to the waist. My obedience was to stand on the solea and hold his staff and hand it to him, kissing his hand, when he required it. He turned, grabbed the staff firmly, along with my veil!!! and wouldn't let go for several seconds until he turned again and noticed my veil firmly in his clutches. Needless to say, I failed to kiss his hand nor let go my grip of his staff whilst my veil was in his grasp, as I would have been without klobuk (monastic hat like kamalavka) and veil.
A yet more senior Archbishop was serving one day and my obedience that day was holding his voluminous mantle. I had dropped it so he could turn 360 deg for his blessing, and promptly stepped on it - a big no-no!
On one altar feast celebration, hundreds had packed our church and my obedience was tending to the candles. I managed to set my veil and riassa (outer monastic robe) on fire (not severely, thank God-I salvaged both!).
The worst I think was when I was taking Holy Communion. The Abbess was holding the red veil under my chin, but took it away before my Spiritual Father who was serving had completely removed the spoon and somehow the Precious Blood spilled on my veil. I was mortified! My Spiritual Father instructed me to burn the veil (my best one, too!).
A small child had communed in our church, and shortly afterwards was ill on the carpet. The piece of carpet had to be excised and burnt.
Once during a Vigil service my obedience was to hold the oil whilst my aforesaid Spiritual Father anointed the people. As the monastery driver, I always had a mobile phone with me and switched on, in case the Abbess needed me if she wasn't in church. Father's cellphone rang and he whispered to me "Mine or yours?" I whispered back "yours Father!" He promptly turned it off.
There must be a hundred other occurrences that I can't remember!
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« Reply #49 on: July 26, 2011, 03:27:58 PM »

When I was at Vlad's, the story was attributed to Fr. Paul Lazor's son


It was Fr. Alexander Schmemann's sons who did that.   

Well, at least I was right about it being at the seminary...lol
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« Reply #50 on: July 26, 2011, 04:14:05 PM »

There was that one time many years ago when someone's cell phone started to ring during the parish announcements after the Sunday Liturgy. Quite fittingly, the ring tone was the melody of the Wizard of Oz song, "If I Only Had a Brain". laugh
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« Reply #51 on: July 26, 2011, 04:19:58 PM »

There was that one time many years ago when someone's cell phone started to ring during the parish announcements after the Sunday Liturgy. Quite fittingly, the ring tone was the melody of the Wizard of Oz song, "If I Only Had a Brain". laugh
lol!

One time Father's cell phone started ringing.
Another time it was his wife's phone that rang (she needs it on though, as she is a doctor) and he obviously joked about it Wink (probably paid for it later lol)
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« Reply #52 on: July 26, 2011, 04:44:53 PM »

We had no matches of lighter available for the Divine Liturgy. I had to light some paper towels on fire with the stove in the parish hall and light a candle with it to light the charcoal. Once the paper towels caught completely on fire. I dropped them on the floor and stomped on them. My shoe caught on fire. Thank God, I stomped my shoe fire out and the paper towel fire out. Tongue
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« Reply #53 on: July 26, 2011, 09:05:02 PM »

When my priest was in seminary, apparently another priest mischanted, "Let everything that hath breasts praise the Lord."

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LOL

 laugh laugh laugh
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« Reply #54 on: July 26, 2011, 09:28:10 PM »

Elderly Russian deacon, a truly saintly man, and loved by all, but getting a bit dotty, serving at a wedding: After the ceremony ended, time for the singing of the Mnogaya Lyeta (Many Years). He slowly chanted the invocations for the blessing of the newlyweds in a rising tone, then out came Vechnaya Pamyat (Eternal Memory), instead of Mnogaya Lyeta. A collective gasp rose in the nave (followed by snickers of mirth), the choir was derailed for several seconds, and the babushki were furiously crossing themselves, warding off this bad omen.

Some twenty years on, the couple is still happily married.  Cheesy
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« Reply #55 on: July 26, 2011, 10:18:50 PM »

Another wedding, this time Anglican, in Britain:

The wedding ceremony was about to begin, when the vicar had to excuse himself to answer the call of nature. Unfortunately, he forgot to turn off his radio mike. The church was filled with the sound effects of the vicar "enthroned".
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« Reply #56 on: July 26, 2011, 10:29:21 PM »

The biggest mishap I've seen?  The audible anaphora/epeclesis and priests praying the silent prayers aloud!!! 

It's evolution, baby.
American evolution...

The next thing we'll see if girl altarboys
You should take that one up with Greece, not America.
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« Reply #57 on: July 27, 2011, 01:04:06 AM »

There have been several occasions on which the altar boys were messing around with the censers and caused the fire alarm to go off.  On one such occasion, during the sermon after the Bridgroom Service on Holy Monday, Fr. Steve got onto the subject of the Last Judgement, and just as his remarks reached their high-point, the alarm went off.  Dead silence, followed by a remark from the congregation, "Is anybody Rapture-ready?"
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« Reply #58 on: July 27, 2011, 01:44:59 AM »

There was a couple years ago when our priest and deacon got a little heavy with the incense use.  It smelled great but the smoke alarm went off.  Our priest kept the Liturgy going and I plugged my ears while our sub-deacon and others were finally able to get the alarm off.  I see on this thread that this has also happened to others.  Smiley
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« Reply #59 on: July 27, 2011, 02:22:37 AM »

A certain priest I knew was born in Russia and was not a native English speaker.  When he was still a deacon in the late 50s, the transition to English was in its infancy.  The first time he had to say "In peace let us pray to the Lord," let's just say ea in "peace" sounded more like an i.  That was rather quickly corrected. Smiley

Reminds me of a deacon my old Parish had, English was clearly not his first language and sometimes he would struggle, reading out on several occasions about our Lord "He is robbed in majesty".
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« Reply #60 on: July 27, 2011, 02:23:38 AM »

When the priest came last year to bless our home, he forgot our names!   Roll Eyes
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« Reply #61 on: July 27, 2011, 06:52:12 AM »

Four times, count 'em, four, in the past year, we have had people pass out during the liturgy.   Embarrassed
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« Reply #62 on: July 27, 2011, 11:30:54 AM »

Let us keep this discussion in the tone it was created. If you have an controversy or pet peeve please, start a new topic for this. The discussion about the the Anaphora being said aloud can be found here http://www.orthodoxchristianity.net/forum/index.php/topic,38252.0.html
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« Reply #63 on: August 14, 2011, 10:10:41 PM »

We had a churching of 9month old baby today in church. All of the Altar servers were standing at the right wall of the sanctuary. Father comes to the front of the Holy Doors and churches the child. He then comes into the altar and takes the babys hand and waves to us and continues to church the child. We all had a huge laugh!!! Thanks Father!!!
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« Reply #64 on: August 14, 2011, 10:21:04 PM »

The baptism of baby boys almost always involves a golden arch as the finale.
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« Reply #65 on: August 14, 2011, 10:25:09 PM »

The baptism of baby boys almost always involves a golden arch as the finale.

Oh, yes, seen that MANY times!  laugh laugh Though history records one famous baby who went on to become Byzantine Emperor (unfortunately, one of the impious ones): Constantine, nicknamed Copronymus. He didn't pee into the font, he went the other way .... bad, bad omen.  Shocked laugh laugh
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« Reply #66 on: August 14, 2011, 10:35:45 PM »

The baptism of baby boys almost always involves a golden arch as the finale.
That's why an experienced priest knows to always hold a baby boy so that he's facing AWAY from his vestments during and after the baptism.
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« Reply #67 on: August 15, 2011, 12:12:37 PM »

I was at a service once where a Priest had been serving (temporarily) at a Greek parish. It was just kind of funny when he started to commemorate Archbishop Demetrios rather than Metropolitan Jonah. (I was probably the only one to notice though, as he stopped at Archbishop)

Me and him shared a good chuckle about it after church.
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« Reply #68 on: August 15, 2011, 01:39:49 PM »

My 11 yo commented a few months ago after Liturgy about his 9 yo brother.  "Mom, if Michael's hair smells funny it's cause he got too close to the censer and set it on fire - but we put it out". 

The altar - where else would you mix young boys with fire, alcohol and sharp knives.
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« Reply #69 on: August 15, 2011, 01:58:11 PM »

My 11 yo commented a few months ago after Liturgy about his 9 yo brother.  "Mom, if Michael's hair smells funny it's cause he got too close to the censer and set it on fire - but we put it out". 

The altar - where else would you mix young boys with fire, alcohol and sharp knives.

Don't forget hot water Wink
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« Reply #70 on: August 15, 2011, 02:18:30 PM »

I was at a service once where a Priest had been serving (temporarily) at a Greek parish. It was just kind of funny when he started to commemorate Archbishop Demetrios rather than Metropolitan Jonah. (I was probably the only one to notice though, as he stopped at Archbishop)

Me and him shared a good chuckle about it after church.

In the Greek practice, both Archbishops and Metropolitans are commemorated as "Archbishop" in the Divine Liturgy.  E.g. The hierarch of my metropolis is Metropolitan MAXIMOS of Pittsburgh; in the Liturgy, he is "Our Father and Archbishop Maximos."
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« Reply #71 on: August 15, 2011, 02:20:06 PM »

I was at a service once where a Priest had been serving (temporarily) at a Greek parish. It was just kind of funny when he started to commemorate Archbishop Demetrios rather than Metropolitan Jonah. (I was probably the only one to notice though, as he stopped at Archbishop)

Me and him shared a good chuckle about it after church.

In the Greek practice, both Archbishops and Metropolitans are commemorated as "Archbishop" in the Divine Liturgy.  E.g. The hierarch of my metropolis is Metropolitan MAXIMOS of Pittsburgh; in the Liturgy, he is "Our Father and Archbishop Maximos."

Yeah, I know. But earlier he had accidentally commemorated former Metropolitan Herman. And he acknowledged it was Archbishop Demitrios he was thinking of.
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« Reply #72 on: November 13, 2011, 04:12:50 PM »

This morning in DL I was handed the wrong epistle by another chanter. Yes, it's my own fault for not checking first. As I finished the uh "first reading from the Epistles", my priest handed me the correct passage. I apologized later. He reminded me that when he was a deacon he had to do the same for a priest who read the wrong Gospel.

A bit later, as the priest (we don't have a deacon) was announcing, "With fear of God, and faith and love, draw near" a little old lady took him very seriously and ran (yes, as best as a little old lady can) right up to him even before he had fully exited the holy doors. Father David had to push her back by just continuing to walk forward!
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« Reply #73 on: November 14, 2011, 11:06:08 AM »

One time one of the cantors uncircumcised Christ instead of making him uncircumscribed...
That's kinda like some of the malapropisms I've heard in church.

The dild wonkeys (instead of wild donkeys)

Calling Christ immoral instead of immortal

The bombles in the tombs (instead of "upon those in the tombs")


Or "Leather thing" instead of "Leviathan"
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« Reply #74 on: November 14, 2011, 11:26:22 AM »

Sunday, the congregation stood up just before the announcement, "Sophia, Orthi," before the Gospel reading. It couldn't have been more than two seconds ahead of time. You should have seen the priest- he grumbled, "I normally scold people for what you just did, but I'm not going to scold you." (Huh? Sounds like he just did.) And then he went on with the reading.

There was stunned silence. You could tell it was not the ordinary way we wait and listen to the reading, and a lot of people were just staring with shocked looks. Every week, our congregation stands up at the same time. I guess we just got used to what we were doing. Our regular priest was out for the day, and the priest serving was a different one. The regular priest had never corrected us. Whenever there is some shuffling or burp or whatever among the crowd, he just pauses and doesn't do anything until the noise stops. This usually takes a couple seconds. But he never raises his voice or says anything that's not in the rubric.

Nevertheless, I think I'll be really careful next time. We got schooled.   Smiley
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« Reply #75 on: November 14, 2011, 11:58:27 AM »

A VERY large and hairy spider slowly crawled up the priest's phelonion as he stood in front of the Holy Table during Vespers. The spider got within a couple of inches from the neck edge before crawling back down again. Not once, but three times. Father had no idea what was happening, and the few of us who were in the nave at the time were helpless, as none of us had a blessing to enter the altar, and there were no altarboys serving that night. We all had a good laugh about it afterwards.

3 times, how appropriate! Don't tell me that spider didn't know what was going on!
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« Reply #76 on: November 14, 2011, 12:23:44 PM »

Sunday, the congregation stood up just before the announcement, "Sophia, Orthi," before the Gospel reading. It couldn't have been more than two seconds ahead of time. You should have seen the priest- he grumbled, "I normally scold people for what you just did, but I'm not going to scold you." (Huh? Sounds like he just did.) And then he went on with the reading.

There was stunned silence. You could tell it was not the ordinary way we wait and listen to the reading, and a lot of people were just staring with shocked looks. Every week, our congregation stands up at the same time. I guess we just got used to what we were doing. Our regular priest was out for the day, and the priest serving was a different one. The regular priest had never corrected us. Whenever there is some shuffling or burp or whatever among the crowd, he just pauses and doesn't do anything until the noise stops. This usually takes a couple seconds. But he never raises his voice or says anything that's not in the rubric.

Nevertheless, I think I'll be really careful next time. We got schooled.   Smiley
Geez, what a "mood" killer, for lack of a better term.

We always end up standing up before Father turns around. Doesn't "Orthoi" encompass a lot more than "stand up?" ("Let us be attentive," is what he says in English...lol, I know this is so basic. Orthodox n00b here.)

Anyway, yikes.

I haven't had too much experience yet, other than a visiting priest not being able to get the incense going, for some reason. I couldn't help it; I had to go to the bathroom to laugh because it was just so weird to see him censing everything and everyone making the sign of the cross like nothing was amiss. This was probably my third or fourth service.
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« Reply #77 on: November 14, 2011, 12:29:00 PM »

The baptism of baby boys almost always involves a golden arch as the finale.

Oh, yes, seen that MANY times!  laugh laugh Though history records one famous baby who went on to become Byzantine Emperor (unfortunately, one of the impious ones): Constantine, nicknamed Copronymus. He didn't pee into the font, he went the other way .... bad, bad omen.  Shocked laugh laugh

Pardon my lack of awareness, but why aren't infants allowed to wear a diaper at the baptism? I know the whole body has to get dunked, but at least a diaper would prevent inopportune seepage. Just wondering. Thanks.
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« Reply #78 on: November 14, 2011, 12:29:47 PM »

Sunday, the congregation stood up just before the announcement, "Sophia, Orthi," before the Gospel reading. It couldn't have been more than two seconds ahead of time. You should have seen the priest- he grumbled, "I normally scold people for what you just did, but I'm not going to scold you." (Huh? Sounds like he just did.) And then he went on with the reading.

There was stunned silence. You could tell it was not the ordinary way we wait and listen to the reading, and a lot of people were just staring with shocked looks. Every week, our congregation stands up at the same time. I guess we just got used to what we were doing. Our regular priest was out for the day, and the priest serving was a different one. The regular priest had never corrected us. Whenever there is some shuffling or burp or whatever among the crowd, he just pauses and doesn't do anything until the noise stops. This usually takes a couple seconds. But he never raises his voice or says anything that's not in the rubric.

Nevertheless, I think I'll be really careful next time. We got schooled.   Smiley

Why you sit anyways?  IS OUTRAGE!  Wink
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« Reply #79 on: November 14, 2011, 04:58:14 PM »

One time one of the cantors uncircumcised Christ instead of making him uncircumscribed...
That's kinda like some of the malapropisms I've heard in church.

The dild wonkeys (instead of wild donkeys)

Calling Christ immoral instead of immortal

The bombles in the tombs (instead of "upon those in the tombs")

Or "Leather thing" instead of "Leviathan"



Or parakeet instead of Paraclete ....
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« Reply #80 on: November 14, 2011, 05:08:45 PM »

The baptism of baby boys almost always involves a golden arch as the finale.

Oh, yes, seen that MANY times!  laugh laugh Though history records one famous baby who went on to become Byzantine Emperor (unfortunately, one of the impious ones): Constantine, nicknamed Copronymus. He didn't pee into the font, he went the other way .... bad, bad omen.  Shocked laugh laugh

Pardon my lack of awareness, but why aren't infants allowed to wear a diaper at the baptism? I know the whole body has to get dunked, but at least a diaper would prevent inopportune seepage. Just wondering. Thanks.

lol who knows...because it's funny? Cheesy
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« Reply #81 on: November 14, 2011, 05:15:33 PM »

I once buttoned up the Bishop wrong.

He assumed I knew what I was doing as I mostly know what to do behind the Alter. So he motioned to me to help vest him..Lots of buttons... never did it before... I got "The Glare"

opps 
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« Reply #82 on: November 14, 2011, 05:17:57 PM »

The baptism of baby boys almost always involves a golden arch as the finale.

Oh, yes, seen that MANY times!  laugh laugh Though history records one famous baby who went on to become Byzantine Emperor (unfortunately, one of the impious ones): Constantine, nicknamed Copronymus. He didn't pee into the font, he went the other way .... bad, bad omen.  Shocked laugh laugh

Pardon my lack of awareness, but why aren't infants allowed to wear a diaper at the baptism? I know the whole body has to get dunked, but at least a diaper would prevent inopportune seepage. Just wondering. Thanks.

It may leave an important part untouched by the water. Like an Achilles Heel... only... ummmmmmmm a more important part.
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« Reply #83 on: November 14, 2011, 06:16:21 PM »

Sunday, the congregation stood up just before the announcement, "Sophia, Orthi," before the Gospel reading. It couldn't have been more than two seconds ahead of time. You should have seen the priest- he grumbled, "I normally scold people for what you just did, but I'm not going to scold you." (Huh? Sounds like he just did.) And then he went on with the reading.

Nevertheless, I think I'll be really careful next time. We got schooled.   Smiley

LOL yeah he just did, this reminds me of how Abimelech insulted the angel that was reveled to him in the form of an old man, when he woke up from his 66 years of sleep. when the old man told abimelech that  the ruins he is seeing is the city of Jerusalem as a result of what happened to her, Abimelech was so distressed he said to him: if it was not forbidden by the law to insult the elderly, and you were not an old man I would have cursed you right now,  infact  if the Law did not say honor the elderly,I would have called you a crazy senile old man.  and this story is specially told during the Dormition fast, and its always funny when the fathers commentary is read and they say: by saying this he cursed him anyway. you see it might  seem like he has not cursed him but he did manage to get in what he wanted to say.   Grin

These things happen, I would lough about it and make him happy the next time, he could not help it if he is real particular about some things and gets bothered by some things getting out of sync  angel  laugh
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« Reply #84 on: November 14, 2011, 08:45:40 PM »

The baptism of baby boys almost always involves a golden arch as the finale.

Oh, yes, seen that MANY times!  laugh laugh Though history records one famous baby who went on to become Byzantine Emperor (unfortunately, one of the impious ones): Constantine, nicknamed Copronymus. He didn't pee into the font, he went the other way .... bad, bad omen.  Shocked laugh laugh

Pardon my lack of awareness, but why aren't infants allowed to wear a diaper at the baptism? I know the whole body has to get dunked, but at least a diaper would prevent inopportune seepage. Just wondering. Thanks.

It may leave an important part untouched by the water. Like an Achilles Heel... only... ummmmmmmm a more important part.

haha...those babies get all the love don't they? We don't have such a luxury being baptized as adults...  Cool
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« Reply #85 on: November 15, 2011, 11:51:33 AM »

hilarious..subscribing Smiley
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« Reply #86 on: November 28, 2011, 11:58:01 AM »

In keeping with the tone of several other posts...

-A couple of years ago during a Paschal liturgy one of the altar boys fell asleep on his feet, finally fell down and stayed asleep. The priest kept the liturgy going while the boy's father came down and picked him up.

-Before my time, the parish used to have a priest who would scold folks for getting the rubrics wrong. If the deacon would mess something up, he would apologize, saying, "I'm sorry," to which the priest would reply, "Of course you're the sorriest deacon I've ever seen!"

-Our parish has laminated prayer cards for certain parts of the liturgy. It wasn't long before my then-five-year-old figured out that if you bent the card just right and then let it go you could launch it all the way from the choir to the iconostasis.

-And multiple times I have been heard swearing about something at a moment of silence in church.
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« Reply #87 on: November 30, 2011, 07:54:14 AM »

In my language the deacon intones, "marilah kita berdoa kepada Tuhan" at the beginning of every litany, the English equivalent being "let us pray to the Lord". However that day, the deacon slipped and said dosa instead of doa. The whole thing then became "let us sin against The Lord". The priest promptly responded with what he claims to be 500 Lord have mercies. The deacon made the mistake not once, but he did it for every litany during that liturgy, and each time the priest, and later the people, responded with 500 Lord have mercies.
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« Reply #88 on: November 30, 2011, 08:09:11 AM »

Sorry I can't edit my post coz I am writing from my smartphone.

I guess it was 40, not 500. But it shocked me as an RC to hear so many Lord have mercies during my first visit to an Orthodox Church. Well, I laughed so hard back then, during the liturgy, that the priest actually scolded me. Never been back to that church since then.
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« Reply #89 on: November 30, 2011, 08:29:19 AM »

This incident happened many years ago... I used to attend the RCC before my baptism.

During the celebration of daily mass the priest (he was old) confused the words he was going to say over the Eucharistic bread (hostia) with the things he was going to say over the Eucharistic chalice. Therefore, he held the bread and said "Take you all and drink from this cup....", and later he held the chalice and said "Take you all and eat this bread..." while a lady kept clearing her throat to make the priest notice the mistake, but it was too late. When I left the church, I could not resist the laughter since I imagined drinking the bread and eating the chalice as the priest wanted us to do! Drinking the bread would not be a problem maybe, but eating the chalice?  Wink

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